After Africa...
From the backseat of the carā¦
āMom, after Africa, can we go to China?ā
Oh, good, he knows we wonāt be living here foreverā¦but China??
āOhā¦whatās in China, babe?ā
āPandaāsā¦and maybe we can rent a really big hut to live in.ā
Rentā¦ha! When we were leaving Ā Bermuda, Rome learned the difference between owning a house, and renting ā āWeāve been borrowing our house from Jennie, the really nice lady who let us pay her to live here. Because houses are expensive, andā¦ā you know the rest. But I liked that he understood the concept of renting a house versus owning one. (Other than one house in my childhood, we always rented growing up. Owning a house was for ārich peopleā.)
But really this conversation was about āWhen we leave Africaā. (Yeah, yeahā¦we just got here! Ha!) But more so, the impermanency of where we are living, and how Rome looked at this as a normal way of living. (Because it IS a normal way of living!). But it isnāt for a lot of other people, so I get the question a LOT ā Arenāt you worried about stability? āYou have no stability in your lifeā¦ā āI really think kids need stabilityā in a nagging voice just becauseā¦ āMoving isnāt good for kidsā¦ā - Ā a lot of opinions that Iām going to pretend come from curiosity rather than judgement, as they are often from people who havenāt moved (internationally) a lot themselves ā including myself. Yes, I judge myself ā but Iāll tell you why.
We only know what we experience. I was born and raised in a small town in Southwestern Ontario and although we moved a lot through my childhood within that town, I didnāt leave that town until I was 19 for university. Thatās what I knew ā and I was lucky for many things! I was close with my cousins growing up. We were friends with our neighbors. I was a competitive figure skater, so for 6 years I had my skating friends, a consistent network of friends. And Iām very grateful for it. But if you could have given me the exciting life of travel Rome is living in, I would have taken it in a heartbeat! I dreamed of travel, never believing it was something I would be able to afford to do.
āNo matter what you do, youāre going to screw up your kids.ā ā says a friend. And sheās right. What if I DO give him all this, and he comes back one day and says, āWellā¦I wish I had THAT (what you had).ā Ā It very well can happen. Only time will tell.
So thatās a little background on WHY Iām so in tune with what stability looks like for Rome.
But what is the opposite of stability? One might think instability ā duhā¦but could it beā¦adaptability? (A skill many adults donāt even haveā¦)
What does stability mean to you? Does it mean always having the SAME? The same house, the same school, the same routine, the SAME friends, the same traditionsā¦where does that leave space for exercising out adaptability muscle? Where does it leave space for learning and growth? (Asked with curiosity, not judgement ;) )
I think the greatest gift he can get from this (other than a global perspective of the world and a sh*t ton of fun with his mom and blended family), is actually, adaptability.
A podcast once told me that me that TRUE security only comes from within. So does STABILITY. For example, if you feel secure because of your job (working for someone else) ā what if someone takes your job away? They take away your security? How is that secure? So your true security comes from your skills. Skills you can take with you anywhere. True security canāt be taken away from you.
Similarly, if you feel stable only because everything is the same and nothing is changing, is that really stability at all? If you are confident that everywhere you go, you can handle yourself, make friends, have conversations with new faces, feel comfortable in any type of culture (when no one speaks your language), but you know youāre good ā isnāt that true stability. Stability that comes from within and goes with you no matter where you are because you create it yourself.
For kids, I say that IāM his stability. The people he is with are his stability. His familyās presence whether physically or on FaceTime is his stability. Knowing he can go retreat to his same bedroom every night for 18 years (although, having a safe space to be private is important ā and he has that.), is not.
Moving schools, neighbourhoods and friends groups sounds āstressfulā to people that havenāt tended to do that (or didnāt have good experiences doing it, to be fair). But itās exciting to othersā¦especially you grow up with it as your normal.
With our ability to communicate with ANYONE we love these days , why does being surrounded by new faces have to make us stressed? There is a comfort in seeing the same people all the time, but it doesnāt have to mean new situations are uncomfortable. They are only uncomfortable until theyāre not anymoreā¦
Life is just one big journey of expanding your radius of whatās comfortable. Thatās stability.
Friends? When I moved to Bermuda, I only had friends in Canada. After leaving Bermuda, I still have my best friends from Canada, but amazing friends in Bermuda, England, the US, France, South Africa, Zimbabweā¦ Romeās got a way earlier head start on me for that!
Routine? If stability comes from routine, going to school is a routine. Wherever we are, he can go to school every day...Coming home every afternoon to Mom, thatās stability. That's what he can count on, no matter where we are.
Another thing that might help (I think ?), is putting him into sports that are international. Football, swimming, etc, sports and activities that you can take anywhere else in the world with you, that way there will always be a little community you can join to meet new people and have familiarity with your sport/activity.
To be fair - this type of living might be different if Rome had a different personality. But hey, we're open to whatever comes our way. Weāre going with the flow. Should it really not be working for any of us, we can ADAPT. Or as they say in Zimbabwe, āWeāll make a plan.ā
Because I am human, sometimes Iām defensive to peoples questioning of my style of living, even though I wouldnāt choose otherwise. Holding on to my core values always helps shake that initial defensiveness off. Also, the reminder that you donā know what you donāt know, and most people donāt know what expat life is like. Most people are scared of it. Because...it isnāt āstableā...
Our plan is to start in Zim for about 3 yearsā¦if you were wonderingā¦no further questions at this time. Thanks! (HA!)
