#breakupsarehard

It was his birthday yesterday and I think he wanted me to talk to him; I thought our last conversation was pretty clear that we're done. Although knowing how bad we are going back and forth. Ugh. It's so frustrating because I do love him but I also know were just not compatible and our values don't align. I know that love isn't enough for us to be together and it sucks but we honestly tried these past few years. I know 6 years is a long time to be with someone and maybe I need to have one more conversation with him to close the door for good. I'm really really dreading it. Like I know myself, and my feelings, and I waver on that. I hate hurting someone but I also know that the relationship ran its course.

I've been going back to therapy, well just started again. I met up with a potential therapist last week and scheduled an initial appointment with her next week. I hope I can stay consistent with my decision and not do this back and forth with Andrew. I want to move forward and on with my life and open the door to finding my person. I also realized that I'm ready to move on from Andrew, crushing on the softball guy was enough for me to know that I'm done with Andrew. It feels really fucked up to say this but crushing on another guy, made me realize that there's better out there and I'm not putting with Andrew's awful and shitty behaviour anymore. And the way he treated me in our 6 years was god awful like the more I think about it, the more i wonder why i stayed in it for so long.

At my little half sister's place with my nephew and 4 of my kids. I'm sad. Lol.

I did shrooms last night. It was dumb. Played darts. But when I came down, I was trying to sleep, looked at my memories and there was videos of my baby when he was a baby. Made me sad. I was sad for D, hoping he'll be okay with the separation of his parents. And really sad for Alex. Thinking about I was his only person, and he has nobody else here. He is 2 provinces away from his family, which he isn't really close to to begin with. I was just wishing he could find someone else to make him happy.

I told him these things over messenger earlier today. I told him I was sad, I cried last night because everything hit me that it was over. I told him I hope he can open himself to love someone again, and be happy. He said he didn't like it. He didn't like being single. I said we'd be okay. I also said I would go spend the day with him. Go help him get ready for the job he has to leave for on Wednesday. Clean his house and just hang out. One last time. I'm not afraid for things to get carried away cuz I started my period today hahah. Plus, I won't put myself in that position to get caught up in our feelings.

On Thursday we went to the cabin. Separately, but together. I didn't even know how to be around him, without being us anymore. I wanted to give in and just go hold him. But I knew better. Kept myself busy by making my mum and sister come to play cards. Then cleaned that night. Went to bed early. He slept in his camper with our son and my youngest girl. I slept in the cabin with my oldest girl. My middle girl stayed him with my nephew when we made the trip. Besides the point lol. But before bedtime, he asked for a hug. It was long, a bit awkward. I let go and said good night then. Spent most of the time before bed wishing he'd just come in and sleep with me lol. That didn't happen though. Then I woke up, made coffee, breakfast, cleaned, and he left.

I got home and decided to pack up again and come this way.

This is where my feelings are. Very sad and real. I think I was just suppressing shit since. But I miss him. But I can't. This all happened for a reason. It's fucken done. And I can't do anything about it but heal from it.

I thought of other dudes. Dating. I met the guy I talked to from the app that lives in the neighboring city. Spent a night driving around and talking for 5 hours. But I didn't feel anything I thought I would. I wasnt excited. Or anything. He was the opposite. He asked for a kiss before I left him at his house. I let him. Idk why, I didn't want to. But I felt guilty. I feel bad about how.much he liked me. "On a scale from 1-10, I like you a 23.5." And I would just switch the subject. I'm an asshole lol. I've slowly stopped talking to him since. It's been about a week maybe. Or more idk. Today he put a post "in a relationship." I commented "That was quick. Congrats. 👏" I don't think he liked that, cuz he deleted it soon after. I'm thinking maybe he wanted to get my attention. But I'm not in the mood. I'm over that idea lol.

And I also put myself on fb dating for a day. It was funny to me cuz I didn't no what I was doing. I accidentally super liked 3 dudes lol. I spoke to 2 for a bit. They were cute. But what was stressing was explaining my children. Why I have 5 and why I'm single. Lowkey wondering what they're really thinking. Who would want a single girl with 5 kids, from 3 different guys.?

I think I just need to be alone for a bit. Let the universe put the right guy in my face when I'm ready. And I hope Alex gets his too. As much as that would probably hurt me, I still want that man to be happy. Cuz it won't be with me anymore.

But I'm hurting about it. Sad.