So, we got to talk and it was all a misunderstanding. So I was very ashamed about me spiraling for nothing and waited almost a week to talk to him and saying sorry again.
I was scared about his reaction but he didn't show any annoyance. He's too nice for my antics... I guess I really have a crush idk.
The other day I know he was playing a game on a roleplaying server so I asked him if he could show me. So he did, it was fun but it reminded me something about him I don't like I completely forgot.
4 months ago he also show me him rp. And I saw how much he uses problematic language like "whore/bitch" "son of a bitch" which is misogynistic or another which idk how to translate but homophobic one. (He doesn't use this language a lot with me so that's why I kinda forgot)
So one day I told him I didn't like that and asked him "Well you talk how you want but maybe you don't realise you use those words a lot?"
He said yes and didn't mind talking differently but nothing really changed and we didn't talk about it anymore. I don't think he's genuinely mysoginistic or homophobic, it's insults we use a lot here since childhood and it can be hard to not say them anymore.
So yeah the other day I heard him and remembered that and now I'm uncomfortable. I feel bad talking to him about because I'm scared about his response (I'm always scared to confront someone and they talk to me badly) and I feel bad asking him to change his language even if I think he should.
And now I'm spiralling because I feel like a bad person. I thought I was over him because I don't think we would be good together after all. But I can't help my feelings.
I feel like I caught feelings too soon, before knowing him much, because he was very sweet to me and for the past months I'm learning to know him and some stuff is good, some less.
And I'm wondering, maybe I can't let go and I'm settling for less I'd like for a potential partner because he was so sweet and I'm so lonely and I don't think I'll have another chance like that in a long time... Or is it because of him?
I also feel hypocritical because, normally I wouldn't be interessed by someone using words like that but the feelings are still there and don't want to go anywhere.
Sometimes I want to talk to him because I'm sad and I'm scared he'll be annoyed, is it because I'm scared he'll reject me and I'll be lonely again or is it because, I like him and don't want him to be annoyed because, well that's not nice?
Do I want him to stop smoking because I hate the smell or is it because I'm worried about his health?
Or more generally : Do I do stuff for people because I don't want to be yelled at/feel guilty, because it makes me feel good or is it because I am altruist/a good person?
Do I feel like a bad person because I am one, or is it my depression making me believe that?
