#baileygenine

I joined the KKK for the homophobia but stayed for the anonymous gay sex. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 132

Judging by your face, you are not an attractive person. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 107

What is productivity, really? I will ponder this question while sitting in my new manila folder igloo. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 90

Lost the baby Jesus for the miniature nativity scene, so I used a frozen Jimmy Dean sausage instead. Merry Sausagemas. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 89

My employees forgot about Cyber Monday. I won't rub it in. They look embarrassed enough when I walk by in my RoboCop suit. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 88

A friend asked me how old I thought she was. I answered vaguely to be safe, saying "Young enough for acne but old enough for sagging boobs." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 81

Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 81

Best part about carrying a ukulele through an airport: THEM: "So... you a musician?" ME: "Yeah, I play a little guitar." @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 74

The Boy came into my room with tears welling in his eyes, to ask if I had sold his pajamas. Which just goes to show: kids are fucking weird. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 69

Well, that's the last time I offer myself up to be deep crawled. With no computer. At a bar. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 66

I'm not sure there would be such a stigma if instead of crabs, people could be infested with popcorn shrimp. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 63

Personally, I won't be satisfied until a Buddhist monk lights himself on fire for web standards. @Moltz (Moltz) – 61

Profoundly funny tweet #6190424272 (?) @cravenheart (Unavailable) – 61

"I like only white lights on the tree." "I want colored lights." "Colored? That's racist." "You're the one who wants the white only tree." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 60

"Satellite Radio" is a trademark. The generic term is "Radio! From! Spaaaaaaaace!" @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 58

Tiger Woods deserves the benefit of the doubt no matter how many people he supposedly killed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Sad to announce The LunaPod Project is now dead. My mass-produced $7 rocket to the moon was undermined by suppliers, lawyers, and reality. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky. At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

I looked at my tweetcloud. I think I'm gay and pretty certain I have a poop fetish. My life makes so much sense now. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 56

Lucy's surgery was successful and she's resting. She now has a port on her stomach that you can blow into to play jug band music. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 87

It's not that I have to buy tampons. It's that I have to search for a specific level of flow control. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 84

I remembered the milk and bread, but I completely forgot to do something with my life. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 83

I've spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 82

Your dire warning of "Everything will change now that you're married" says far more about your relationship than it ever could about mine @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73

I'm starting a band that only plays polka songs about Nostradamus's predictions. We'll call ourselves Accordion to Prophecy. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 69

Sorry, but you wouldn't have slammed your face into the dashboard if you had studied physics, and if you weren't a cat. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68

It's as if Americans have forgotten that today is 9/11. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 68

For the record, today is the anniversary of our first date, not of when we got married. I don't know when that is. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67

Depending on the situation, fanny packs are probably pretty useful DAMN YOU CARGO PANTS YOU ARE A GATEWAY DRUG. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 66

I can't tell if this commercial is for the Army or deoderant. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 64

I wonder how much smaller Glenn Beck would get if someone rubbed him all over with Preparation H. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 62

I clutch the live grenade in my sweaty, shaky hand. The meeting ends 57 minutes early! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 62

If there's a better way to commemorate the Berlin Wall falling than by letting my pants fall down on the bus, I'm all ears. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Can't a guy read his favorite Nabokov novel out by the playground without getting a bunch of dirty looks? Sheesh. @biorhythmist (matt) – 56

-Honey, did you come? -Yeah, like ten times! Sargasm @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 56

"Grifting for Dummies" is expensive. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

You know how I know you're gay? You watch The View with your pants on. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 55

Apparently, my super-power is holding onto the best woman in the world. Happy fourteen years, @damselesque! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

"Marco!" "... Polo." Ninjas are so gullible. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 111

Yes of course these panties and Nair and Twilight audiobook are for my Halloween costume now just ring it up and DON'T LOOK AT ME @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 111

Well, if *I* had I wheelchair, I'd be *happy* to pop a wheelie when people asked. No, YOU'RE an inconsiderate jerk. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102

On the day Curious George finally puts it all together, The Man with the Yellow Hat's gonna wake up to a face full of angry fucking monkey. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 87

When your only tool is a cat, every problem looks like starting a new blog. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 81

I ask Jim a question about the computer. He takes a deep breath to launch into his explanation. I stop him. I don't really care that much. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73

Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 70

The more of these social networks I join, the more I hate you people. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 70

Wife is yelling for me to help do chores, but I've heard if you play dead, you can avoid these types of attacks. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 69

my one man puppet show was going great til I had to introduce a 3rd character into the scene & now i can't come back to this nursing home. @theduty (duty) – 66

I just flew in from Mexico and boy are my bowels tired. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 62

I AM INTERN, HEAR ME GET IN YOUR WAY AND APOLOGIZE A LOT. @katefeetie (one katie please) – 62

Profoundly funny tweet #5203615775 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 61

My wife just put me in time-out! Can she do that? I guess I'll think about it while I sit in the corner. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60

A "cougar" is a large cat native to North America. An older woman who pursues a younger man is "embarrassing herself." @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 58

We love them in the multi-pack, but never buy them solo. Mr. Goodbar and Krackel are like the Black Francis and Kim Deal of candy. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57

"What's 'lost potential'? Why are you crying? Can I have my tiara back?" My niece asks too many questions when we play Make Believe lately. @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 57

Why did the chicken cross the ro... *thump*thump* Nevermind. @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 47

"Oh no! They're voting with their wallets!" - Nobody, ever. @Remiel (Remiel) – 47

One nice thing about driving with my wife is that I've really learned to appreciate the first five seconds of every song. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 116

Reinstalling Microsoft Office on a Friday night. There are so many sad layers to this, I feel like an Olive Garden lasagna. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 97

Sweatpants. Flip-flops. Hockey jersey. Backward ball cap. Oakleys. And... come on... turn your head... jackpot! Bluetooth headset. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 86

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it love you. Dammit. I said I wasn't gonna cry. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 85

I'd be a terrible optimist. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 71

I'd enjoy Reggae more if the songs ended. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 70

Everybody's mopey, self-pitying, bullshit attitudes are making it almost impossible to masturbate at this funeral. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64

When Letterman asks you to be on his staff, he means that in the literal sense. Apparently. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 62

Someone just recognized me from Twitter/my blog. "You're older than I thought you'd be." Yeah, and I hate you more than I thought I would. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 62

Trying to eat healthier by focusing on seasonal foods. Thus, the Frankenberry. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 57

Profoundly funny tweet #4566950731 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 55

"Even those women on Hoarders have husbands." Not helping, mom. @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 54

It was @scottsimpson who got me on bourbon and ginger ale + a shit-ton of cherries. Or, as I call it, the "Shirley Temple of Doom." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54

If you're opposed to mindless chain store consumerism, Whole Foods will be happy to sell you a hemp bag that proves it. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53

I think I have the plague, but it's not contagious. I've coughed in Jim's face every night while he sleeps and that fucker still isn't sick. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 51

the company allowing breaks for non-smoker's vices too was a good move, but it gets awkward when all the masturbators crowd the front door. @theduty (duty) – 51

Google helps me get over my self-doubt. I GOOGLED SELF-DOUBT TO SEE IF IT WAS HYPHENATED. AND I GOOGLED HYPHENATED TO CHECK THE SPELLING. @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 49

If I was a woman they would write songs, books and poems about me because I would be the Biggest. Whore. Ever. @BakeMyFish (Monkey Butler) – 46

When Glenn Beck says that the founding fathers were "like us", he's trying to tell us that he owns slaves, right? @aedison (Avery Edison) – 46

Two days of American television commercials lead me to believe American men have flaccid penises and would prefer erect penises. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 94

Sometimes I pick my cat up and use his paw to flip the light switch and wonder if he thinks he's magic and I'm drunk. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 75

Once upon a time, back when a 40-hour week could feed a whole family, unions created Labor Day. "Unions" were sort of like fairies or elves. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 65

Three days in America and I haven't seen a single moose crossing sign. Way to ignore basic road safety, AMERICA. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

I've realized I am really good at sex, repairing cars, cooking five course meals, and making up lies about myself. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 61

They say long distance relationships never last, but my couch and I are going to get through this thing together. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2" @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 58

I gave a fish to a man in Reno just to watch him eat for a day. @apelad (Adam Koford) – 52

APPARENTLY, having a lightsaber battle in just your tighty whities is yet ANOTHER activity that is only cute when the kids do it. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

"My nips are lumb." I think she means "My lips are numb." Either way, we're cutting grandma off on the beer. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 47

To those who marched, fought and died so that rich douchebags would quit wearing white shoes, I buy this couch at 20% off in your honor. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 47

Poppadom peach Red bean hoisin sweets. Poppadom peach. Raisin tuber beef. Never listen to Madonna hungry. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45

If Obama names me Beer and Ice Cream Czar, I'll never quit no matter how many mean things Glenn Beck says about me. I'm no pussy. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 45

Does this avatar make me look like I've been dead since 1962? @blondediva11 (blondediva11) – 45

It's like the whole office is late today. I should get a prize or something for being the first one here. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 44

I have been awake for 48 hours and have solved zero mysteries. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 41

If anyone in San Francisco is standing near AT&T's 3G service, could you drop a couple quarters in, then maybe smack the side like Fonzie? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 41

Just a hunch. Faulkner would suck at Twitter. @crustyjuggler72 (Unavailable) – 39

I'm going to start wearing a NuvaRing on my wrist and then tell people I'm supporting the cause of Never Having Kids. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 37

You know why hobbits don't need to wear shoes? Because hobbits are imaginary. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 104

If I ever get divorced, it will be hard to look convincing when I tell my children they weren't the cause. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 79

Who died and made you the only thing on TV, CSI? Oh, you're figuring it out. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 77

if there's one thing I absolutely can't stand, it's people who are condescending. ...by the way, condescending means talking down to you. @theduty (duty) – 70

Irony is an impotent sperm whale. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67

A neon sign flickers outside the window of my sweaty, sleazy motel room. I hoist the tuba from its case. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 67

Ahhh... the sound of children screaming on a playground. It was *just* enough wasps. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60

Him: "Which side of the bed do you sleep on?" Me: "The top." You'd think those mattress salesmen would be a little smarter. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 57

Problem with the web is all the empty, pandering two-sentence bites of fake insight that help us pretend we're cultural critics. Amirite? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

Until they figure out why senior citizens are practically immune to the H1N1 virus, I'm upping my dosage of hard candy. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

I suspect some of every cop's confident charm comes from knowing he can beat you with a stick until you agree he's confident and charming. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

With vacation over, I now return to a life of "meaning," "purpose," "the drive to create," and other very earnest things in quotation marks. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52

It's an escalator you're stepping onto, not a vat of piranhas. Make your move already, lady. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51

Ex-wife asked if he was upset that Daddy was on his blackberry all the time. I asked if he was upset Mommy gave him her huge nostrils. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50

MARRIAGE TIP: If your kids are going away for a week starting Monday, you make DAMN SURE your sexiest sweatpants get laundered on Sunday. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 49

After sitting within earshot of some high school kids at Subway I have learned that, ironically, "hellannoying" is my new favorite word. @biorhythmist (matt) – 49

No childcare today. So it's Take Your Daughter All the Way Back To the Cafeteria To Search For Her Lost Stuffed Animal Day. I hate that day. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 47

Day 2 of unemployment: I made a pillow fort and-- OH CRAP! THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA! @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 47

On my beanbag chair, eating ice cream in a Tupperware bowl, watching Airwolf and Star Search, waiting for the Internet to be invented. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

Sometimes I sit back and think about how much I love my family, and then laugh becase I confused "family" with "scrambled eggs" again. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 80

Lots of boobs at the waterpark. Also, breasts. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

Sorry. I couldn't hear you. I was too busy reading my search results aloud. JUST LIKE IN THE MOVIES. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64

Cats are like celebrities. They're often grumpy and bitchy even though THEY HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO THEM ON A SILVER PLATTER. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59

Never call a lumberjack competition a lumberjackoff. Especially within sawing distance of actual lumberjacks. @biorhythmist (matt) – 49

Alone in the movie theater. Fat man walks in, sits directly behind me. I know you're reading this over my shoulder, sorry I called you fat. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 47

A child's greatest advantage is their imagination. Or an Uzi. Probably an Uzi. Imagination's nice though. It's no Uzi, but... it's nice. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

I've been invited to get 'brunch.' That's yuppie for 'hammered by noon,' right? @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 44

Contrary to bullshit pop songs laden with sexual innuendo, there ain't nothing easy about Sunday morning. YOU'RE A LIAR, LIONEL. A LIAR. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 43

Too much walking. My knees may be on their last legs. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41

A retweet is like hookin' me up with your drunk friend who puts out. A star on Favrd is blowin' me yourself. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 40

Six kids in the house, and I keep forgetting to lock the bathroom door. They're like little potty ninjas. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 39

Drinking coffee, jerking off, catching up on Twitter and listening to music. It’s impressive to be this busy and still get nothing done. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 37

You know how you get a gas bubble that hurts, and finally you fart and it feels so great. Then you remember you're getting a blowjob. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 37

My couch is going through some issues, I'm just gonna hang around and console it today. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 37

Profoundly funny tweet #3206511599 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 35

Profoundly funny tweet #3210310164 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 34

"Dad, the Coalition for Faith and Family just called." "What did you say?" "I told them it's not a good time, we're barbecuing a virgin." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 34

In tragic news, the small boy in front of us was, for the duration of our four-hour flight, being mauled by a wolverine. Apparently. @superfantastic (superfantastic) – 33

Sorry for staring at your boobs, I thought I was wearing sunglasses... @biorhythmist (matt) – 96

The U.S. dollar is now so weak it couldn't open a jar of pickles even if it could buy one. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

Goodnight, you Queens of the Stone Age. You Kings of Leon. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76

I took a shower with my cat last night and Webster's still hasn't updated the definition of "lonely". @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 73

Last night I learned that unfollowing someone is SUPER easy in real life. You just walk away while they're still talking. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 70

The best thing about this church is the breakfast money they pass around on that plate. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 66

What happens in church, stays in church. Except for the life crushing anxiety and neuroses. You get to take those with you wherever you go. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65

Ďőėŝ ṫĥįś ṱῶḙḕṭ ḿḁҟễ ɱɇ ŀơȫᶄ ᶀṑṝḕđ? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 61

If you're around some cops, don't say "I smell bacon!" Because the cops will eat all the bacon! And then they'll beat you mercilessly. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

There is nothing that this lady's Everything is BIGGER in Texas t-shirt can tell me that I didn't already learn from her Adam's apple. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 52

Discovered during our yard sale that I'd rather burn stuff and piss on it than sell it to rude people. So our yard smells like burned pee. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 51

Profoundly funny tweet #3089744532 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 49

Iced coffee is way better than a blowjob. Unless the blowjob is from a female cause then fuck iced coffee and my priest's lame technique. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45

It's not really Monopoly until someone starts crying. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 42

Back from my secret society meeting. We picked the 2010 Grammy winners and voted to revive the career of Jane Curtin. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42

Oh, autopsied female dog, you are a cold, heartless bitch. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 42

All things considered, it is more like a dick of corn than an ear of corn. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 41

The best thing about her being pregnant is that I'm no longer the fat one. God I'm going to pay for telling that truth. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 39

I just accidentally sat on a toilet with the lid down! That was weird. Then kind of slippery. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 39