#zaius13

If they really want to end the war in Afghanistan, they should put it on Friday nights on Fox. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 164

And that's why you don't go shopping at the pet store while hungry. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 153

I'm playing poker with the kids. Not strip poker. That would be inappropriate. I know better than that. "WOO! FULL HOUSE. DRINK UP BITCHES!" @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Wow! I don't think I've ever unleashed so much diarrhea all at once. You must be impressed. I know I am. This massage is over, isn't it? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 66

When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 64

If you really — truly — embrace the meaning of eternity, you'll accept that Orville Redenbacher and Col. Sanders will eventually french. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 62

If I see one more commercial featuring a Lexus with a gigantic bow on it, I swear I'm gonna throw this caviar dish at my 96" TV. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 60

What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58

Two more speedbumps on our street. Now we're finally safe from terrorists. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57

It's a good thing I covered the baby in Bubble Wrap, because man those stairs were steep! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57

... bet if I was Wolverine you wouldn't have forgotten my McGriddle... @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

The neat thing about dissecting clowns is you can get so many of them in the trunk when it comes time to dispose of the bodies. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53

I'M DRUNK BITCHES TIME TO CODE @atebits (atebits) – 52

It's the strangest thing! I bought my wife the new iPhone, and now my penis seems smaller. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52

"Whipped Spread," the little package reads, a comma away from being the most disturbing sentence ever. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 52

Hi. Date. Again. Amazing. Again. Love you. Again. Move in. More. Marry me. Happy. Good. OK. Less. Lost. Lost you. Lost us. No more. Goodbye. @biorhythmist (matt) – 51

Jim browses hand-held shower heads. "We should get one. I probably won't love you forever." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

I had my doubts that every clown has a silver lining & it turns out they're lined with muscle & tissue just like everyone else. Mimes too. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 47

I opened the door & told the kids "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Then I took pictures for milk cartons, just in case. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 44

I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 142

If you think I'm creepy, check this box: [ ]. Then pass this note back through your bedroom window. @poeks (Poeks) – 110

When I was your age we had to stand behind a microphone in front of a brick wall to find out that drunks didn't think we were funny. @biorhythmist (matt) – 97

Like many Americans, I had to take a second job to put my mistress through high school. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 91

Drinking tea with a cat on my lap no homo ok a little homo. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

It's been five years and you still don't understand why we put a pine tree in the house once a year? Cats are such idiots. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 78

Profoundly funny tweet #6319984548 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 75

I wanna punch my self-control in its stupid smug face. But I won't. And it knows that. AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH IT MORE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 74

Jim was mad about the plastic surgery that made him look like Mr. Potato Head but no one could tell because he didn't put in his angry eyes. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 69

A sincere request: can we quit it with the "Lady Gaga is a man" jokes? Because I've asked all the other trans people, and we don't want her. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 69

Typos are God's way of saynig, "You shoudln't be masturbating adn tweeting at the same time." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 68

This Holiday Season let's all come together as one and pray for all the disease and famine of the world to strike Farmville. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 67

Lots of Life Coaches on Twitter but not a single Lowlife Coach. I sense a market opportunity. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

Remember when twitter was less about stars and more about alibis? BTW, you all saw me at Burger King right about now. Not covered in blood. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 59

GOOD NEWS: Our three year old no longer wets his bed. BAD NEWS: he crawls into ours to do it. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

My son wants to join little league this spring. In preparation I already doubled his allowance & will start the steroid injections Monday. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. The snow in Chicago falls slowly on the hos. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 53

Tiger Woods wants to know what's par for your mom's hole. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

Truly became a boring, mature adult today when I chose not to fart near my wife because I knew it would derail our conversation about cats. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 50

How the fuck would I know? Do I look like the woodchuck's fucking project manager? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 178

It never ceases to amaze me how generous strangers can be this time of year when you show them a knife. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 148

When I die, I want my body donated to political science. That department won't know what to do with it. Hilarious. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 110

I put the redundant in "redundant". Which is why I spell it "redunredundantdant". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 107

My youngest asked if he was my favorite. It's like he forgot we even had a dog. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 103

Got my Christmas shopping done early! It's easy when the only thing the kids ask for is one moment of respite from all my goddamn bullshit. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 96

Hey clouds -- why so cirrus? @aedison (Avery Edison) – 84

The fact that I just stained my running shoes with Hershey syrup should tell you everything you need to know about my current fitness level. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 84

I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "fuck that" to "yes, dear". @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 81

Sometimes I eat a lot of cheese, and other times I eat a lot of cheese but don't tell you because it's my secret cheese eating time. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 80

A "homonym" is a nym attracted to nyms of the same gender. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 76

Based on my profile, this dating website has determined that my best match would be a vibrator. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 70

"I'm not good with words," Tom said, not good with wordsly. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68

Took a drug test today. I was surprised they gave out free beer. It was a little warm and tasted like Budweiser but I wasn't complaining. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 65

I just returned from my son's holiday concert and one thing is painfully clear. There are far too many 'Days of Christmas'. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62

I'm worried cuz a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She's threatened to use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her. @FriedWords (Derek) – 61

My little mnemonic memory tricks might seem silly, but I've never once forgotten my wife's name. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

He who lives by the sword, um... Okay, this is embarrassing. I kind of got distracted thinking about swords. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55

Don't think of me as a backseat driver, but as your car cohost. Full of witicisms such as, "You almost hit that guy" and "Left. LEFT. LEFT!" @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 53

Could someone please RT me into Justine Bateman's Twitter stream? I have some unfinished business. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 123

I'm already 350 pounds, sleeping in my car, and doing a lot of speed. Do I really need to get some kind of special license to be a trucker? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 105

Profoundly funny tweet #5841990124 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 79

Congratulate me! Not only did I save $20 by diagnosing my own symptoms online, I'm also pregnant with Hitler's alien baby. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 75

What's the medical term for those times when you have difficulty falling asleep in meetings? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

I've got 99 problems and exaggerating my problems a hundredfold is the only one of them. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 67

4 is feeding her baby. I asked her what she was feeding it. "Poison" she says. The mothering genes are inherently strong with this one. @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 67

If I spread them evenly then yes MY COMIC BOOKS CAN KEEP ME WARM AT NIGHT. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

Hey does anyone know how to order drive-in brontosaurus ribs so they don't tip the car over every single time? I'm asking for a Fred. @biorhythmist (matt) – 65

My girlfriend gives the best back rubs; the kind where she uses her mouth on my dick. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 62

To whoever broke into my car last night: thank you for not leaving a scratch. Very courteous of you. AAA+++ WOULD GET STOLEN FROM AGAIN @Moltz (Moltz) – 61

Relax. If you didn't want me knocking it over, why the hell did you write "tip jar" on it? Just for that, I'm taking my 15 cents back. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 60

Palin is an idiot. So many people connect with Palin. People are idiots. @MODAT (Modat) – 60

"Traditional" is code for "what I mistakenly think my childhood was like." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

While swine flu, or H1N1, gets all the attention, cooties sit back and quietly plot their comeback. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 57

I'm giving away 5 Google Wave invi- no. wait. It's pocket lint. Never mind. I'll keep it. It may actually be useful. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 54

A proposed bill would designate the day before Thanksgiving as a Complaint Free Day. I assume they'll turn the Internet back on at midnight. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

Summary of Chrome OS event: Google: Here is our vision of a redefined computing experience. Press: Why isn't it exactly like old stuff? @gruber (John Gruber) – 49

Do not use "hung jury" until you've dated them a couple of times and you can confirm. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 49

Watching Godfather Part III. If I remember correctly, it's the one with Jar Jar Binks. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 85

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 78

People forget that 'Back to the Future' was made in 1955 and the filmmakers had to guess about life in the 1980s. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

How many roads must a man walk down before he realizes there's a sidewalk? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 61

This is history. @BarackObama (Barack Obama) – 60

Whenever locking a car first made the horn honk is when things really started going to shit. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

"Fat? No, but it does make your butt look pregnant." ...and that was the last thing I remember saying, officer. @FriedWords (Derek) – 50

Bloomberg just paid $75 million to be mayor of everything on @foursquare. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

Remember when you could slam a telephone down on the hook? Pulling out your earbuds and throwing them onto the keyboard isn't as satisfying. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 49

Shotglasses? That sounds like a lot of pouring. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 48

Man, imagine how easy all this would be if the Democrats had some kind of majority or something. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 46

Upon hearing news of Steven Tyler's departure from Aerosmith, Sammy Haggar takes a shot of tequila, jumps to his feet and says "I'm on it." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 46

Oh, just taking a picture of myself but trying to make it look like it's a candid shot that one of my many many friends took of me. You? @biorhythmist (matt) – 45

Date night would be a lot more fun without "What shoes should I wear? Do I look fat in these jeans? Why are you lighting my closet on fire?" @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 45

About to put the OD in VODKA. At some point in the evening I'll also be putting the HO in alcoholic. Cut me some slack. I hurt. @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 45

Guy's yelling into the end of his iPhone like it's a sound-conducting slice of pizza. The TOP end. While wearing EARBUDS. Where to begin. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 42

Eating Top Ramen with a fork straight out of the pot, just like my ancestors did 20 years ago. @biorhythmist (matt) – 42

"It's good that clowns wear squeaky shoes, so they can't sneak up on you." "The most evil clowns are barefoot. Pleasant dreams, son." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 38

I'm not buying a bathtub until I can read a Kindle in it. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 38

I'm growing facial hair in November to raise awareness for how creepy I can look. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 125

The fact I have a 64 pack of crayons and *still* have to go to work is a crime against humanity. IT HAS THE SHARPENER IN THE THE BACK. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 99

A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

If you say "it is what it is" one more fucking time, I'm going to shove a sartre so far up your camus you'll have to wear a kierkegaard. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 90

I better not hear any Christmas music at the mall tomorrow. If I do, so help me, I will bop my head and sing along with such anger. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 85

iPhone App Approval Manual: 1. If the app floats it's a witch. Kill it; 2. If the app sinks it's not a witch. Kill it; 3. Titties are fine. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 84

There are recipes on cartons of Whoppers. I repeat: RECIPES. THERE ARE FOODS OF WHICH CHOCOLATE COVERED MALT BALLS ARE MERELY A COMPONENT. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 74

Hey nerds: 1) Make a blog that's just pictures of your muscles. 2) Buy a dumptruck to carry all the poon you're gonna get. 3) And I'm out. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 73

My wife and kids are getting the H1N1 vaccine so I'm out picking up shotgun shells in case they "turn". @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 71

Brevity is the soul of wit. Which explains the chuckles in bed. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

You know who sucks? Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 65

After I exfoliate, I'm going to have a latte and maybe drive a little faster than the speed limit, because I'm a man, I think. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

"I've got an appointment with the world's oldest gynecologist." "You mean a gynosaur?" "I hate you." @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 58

Ugh. If there's anything I hate more than Sports, it's probably some other Huey Lewis album. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 57

At first I didn't believe the next building was on fire. I mean, I didn't hear it on Twitter first, so how could it be true? @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 54

I always forget the difference between "succubus" and "incubus". Succubi hang *down* from the roof of caves, and incubi stick *up*, right? @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 51

"Buggy jockey" is an insulting term to the Amish and should only be used in the online edition. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 50

Wife: "Did you honestly eat all your kids Halloween candy?" Me: "Can you repeat the question without the word 'honestly'?" @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 50

Replace "situation deteriorated/worsened" with "shit [just] got real." Ex: On day three of the hostage crisis, shit got real. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 48

Wife got a hideous haircut. I told her the only way I'd still have sex with her is if she gave the slightest indication that she wanted to. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 151

If you ever offer me a cookie and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 135

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. If you *still* don't succeed, there's always grad school. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 87

It's too bad I'm not gay because I live right near the Castro and I really enjoy sex with men. @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 82

For Halloween I'm going as an iPhone. I'll be the life of the party for a few hours, but then run out of energy and pass out on the couch. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 81

Three years ago today, I said, "I do" to no more blow jobs. Happy Anniversary, Honey. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 72

The mummy exhibit at the Field Museum is amazing. It's like you're really there with Larry King. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67

Profoundly funny tweet #5215541143 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 63

I always cry at my mom's weddings. @Remiel (Remiel) – 60

As I was running 3 cold rainy miles at 5AM it occurred to me that I could just tell the internet I ran, and it couldn't prove that I didn't, @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 59

If you cannot find the source of a quote, make one up. Nobody's reading your story anyway. Get over yourself. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 59

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 58

Telling me you are a Six Sigma Black Belt has the exact opposite effect you believe it has. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 57

I invented a new low intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57

I like it when she screams my name during sex. I just wish she wouldn't send her husband to scare me away from the window. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

*NEW* A social network for lawyers. Like Twitter except you get 140,000 characters plus a 4-paragraph disclaimer. It's called Litter. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56

Funny how people only cite karma when bad things happen to people they don't like. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54

I have no issue with raisin cookies per se. But if you lead me to believe they are going to be chocolate chip, I get Crying Game flashbacks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Well, I have a lot of work to do and it's not going to get done on its own so I better just pull up my socks and now my ankles are too hot. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Saturday is United Nations Day. I will celebrate by doing nothing. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 120

I'll lend you my attention, but it'll be at 0% interest. @katefeetie (one katie please) – 114

When your only tool is a bong, every problem looks like it can wait until tomorrow. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 113

No one will believe it when Rick Astley dies. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 89

I don't understand the Starbucks ordering language, so I just point at the menu and shout like a monkey. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 88

Planning my Chicago trip. My itinerary mostly involves eating deep dish pizza and wishing I hadn't eaten deep dish pizza. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 79

We can put a man on the moon, yet we can't develop another analogy for describing when something obvious needs to be done but hasn't been. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 74

You want to know how modest Canadians are? No... no... you wouldn't be interested. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73

My greatest business skill is stealing donuts from meetings I find reasons not to attend. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 72

I hate playing Good Cop/Bad Cop, because I'm always the good cop. And I always turn my partner into Internal Affairs. And now I'm a snitch. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 61

One million people follow my husband on Twitter. And I'm the lucky lady who gets to tell him he's got food in his teeth. Again. @damselesque (Beth) – 60

For Halloween I'm going as a newspaper and will regale everyone with things they read online yesterday. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 54

I wonder if bulls hang out together in the pasture checking out attractive cows, nudging each other and saying, "Yeah... I'd tip that." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 52

Some people rake leaves, others blow them. I prefer the flamethrower, its fun for the whole neighborhood. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 50

"How do I look?" "No idea. You've changed in the 3 nanoseconds it took for the light to reach me." I love physicists. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 49

I find these 'Your mom' jokes contrived and offensive. I think your dad agrees, but he's hard to understand with my dick in his mouth @blankslate (Alex) – 49

"Telling me you're too young to understand my expressions makes me cringe like nails on a chalkboard", "What's a chalkboard?" @blankslate (Alex) – 47

Almost wrecked my car while staring at a roadside accident memorial. Death By Irony would be the worst kind of death. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46

You judge the LOLCATS for their poor grammar? Personally, I'm impressed, the best my cat can type is dhyf0ue9pi[fpls]f[a. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 46