#favrd

If they really want to end the war in Afghanistan, they should put it on Friday nights on Fox. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 164

And that's why you don't go shopping at the pet store while hungry. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 153

I'm playing poker with the kids. Not strip poker. That would be inappropriate. I know better than that. "WOO! FULL HOUSE. DRINK UP BITCHES!" @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Wow! I don't think I've ever unleashed so much diarrhea all at once. You must be impressed. I know I am. This massage is over, isn't it? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 66

When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 64

If you really — truly — embrace the meaning of eternity, you'll accept that Orville Redenbacher and Col. Sanders will eventually french. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 62

If I see one more commercial featuring a Lexus with a gigantic bow on it, I swear I'm gonna throw this caviar dish at my 96" TV. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 60

What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58

Two more speedbumps on our street. Now we're finally safe from terrorists. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57

It's a good thing I covered the baby in Bubble Wrap, because man those stairs were steep! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57

... bet if I was Wolverine you wouldn't have forgotten my McGriddle... @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

The neat thing about dissecting clowns is you can get so many of them in the trunk when it comes time to dispose of the bodies. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53

I'M DRUNK BITCHES TIME TO CODE @atebits (atebits) – 52

It's the strangest thing! I bought my wife the new iPhone, and now my penis seems smaller. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52

"Whipped Spread," the little package reads, a comma away from being the most disturbing sentence ever. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 52

Hi. Date. Again. Amazing. Again. Love you. Again. Move in. More. Marry me. Happy. Good. OK. Less. Lost. Lost you. Lost us. No more. Goodbye. @biorhythmist (matt) – 51

Jim browses hand-held shower heads. "We should get one. I probably won't love you forever." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

I had my doubts that every clown has a silver lining & it turns out they're lined with muscle & tissue just like everyone else. Mimes too. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 47

I opened the door & told the kids "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Then I took pictures for milk cartons, just in case. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 44

I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 142

If you think I'm creepy, check this box: [ ]. Then pass this note back through your bedroom window. @poeks (Poeks) – 110

When I was your age we had to stand behind a microphone in front of a brick wall to find out that drunks didn't think we were funny. @biorhythmist (matt) – 97

Like many Americans, I had to take a second job to put my mistress through high school. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 91

Drinking tea with a cat on my lap no homo ok a little homo. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

It's been five years and you still don't understand why we put a pine tree in the house once a year? Cats are such idiots. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 78

Profoundly funny tweet #6319984548 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 75

I wanna punch my self-control in its stupid smug face. But I won't. And it knows that. AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH IT MORE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 74

Jim was mad about the plastic surgery that made him look like Mr. Potato Head but no one could tell because he didn't put in his angry eyes. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 69

A sincere request: can we quit it with the "Lady Gaga is a man" jokes? Because I've asked all the other trans people, and we don't want her. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 69

Typos are God's way of saynig, "You shoudln't be masturbating adn tweeting at the same time." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 68

This Holiday Season let's all come together as one and pray for all the disease and famine of the world to strike Farmville. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 67

Lots of Life Coaches on Twitter but not a single Lowlife Coach. I sense a market opportunity. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

Remember when twitter was less about stars and more about alibis? BTW, you all saw me at Burger King right about now. Not covered in blood. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 59

GOOD NEWS: Our three year old no longer wets his bed. BAD NEWS: he crawls into ours to do it. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

My son wants to join little league this spring. In preparation I already doubled his allowance & will start the steroid injections Monday. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. The snow in Chicago falls slowly on the hos. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 53

Tiger Woods wants to know what's par for your mom's hole. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

Truly became a boring, mature adult today when I chose not to fart near my wife because I knew it would derail our conversation about cats. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 50

How the fuck would I know? Do I look like the woodchuck's fucking project manager? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 178

It never ceases to amaze me how generous strangers can be this time of year when you show them a knife. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 148

When I die, I want my body donated to political science. That department won't know what to do with it. Hilarious. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 110

I put the redundant in "redundant". Which is why I spell it "redunredundantdant". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 107

My youngest asked if he was my favorite. It's like he forgot we even had a dog. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 103

Got my Christmas shopping done early! It's easy when the only thing the kids ask for is one moment of respite from all my goddamn bullshit. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 96

Hey clouds -- why so cirrus? @aedison (Avery Edison) – 84

The fact that I just stained my running shoes with Hershey syrup should tell you everything you need to know about my current fitness level. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 84

I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "fuck that" to "yes, dear". @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 81

Sometimes I eat a lot of cheese, and other times I eat a lot of cheese but don't tell you because it's my secret cheese eating time. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 80

A "homonym" is a nym attracted to nyms of the same gender. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 76

Based on my profile, this dating website has determined that my best match would be a vibrator. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 70

"I'm not good with words," Tom said, not good with wordsly. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68

Took a drug test today. I was surprised they gave out free beer. It was a little warm and tasted like Budweiser but I wasn't complaining. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 65

I just returned from my son's holiday concert and one thing is painfully clear. There are far too many 'Days of Christmas'. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62

I'm worried cuz a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She's threatened to use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her. @FriedWords (Derek) – 61

My little mnemonic memory tricks might seem silly, but I've never once forgotten my wife's name. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

He who lives by the sword, um... Okay, this is embarrassing. I kind of got distracted thinking about swords. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55

Don't think of me as a backseat driver, but as your car cohost. Full of witicisms such as, "You almost hit that guy" and "Left. LEFT. LEFT!" @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 53

That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 190

Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 162

The Iraqi shoe thrower had a shoe thrown at him today. Somewhere, George Bush is smiling. Because 'Curious George' is on. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 141

After we spend billions on security and good governance in Afghanistan, can we move there? You know, for the security and good governance? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 106

Any man who cuts in front of a woman wearing sweats buying tampons, a bottle of vodka, Midol, and double stuff Oreos Doesn't Want To Live @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 82

I'll make you a deal. I will stop expressing my disinterest in what you have to say if you stop talking to me. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Red condoms might help more than red fonts. The yellow ribbons didn't stop the killing. Or the green for Iran. Colors don't work. People do. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 69

When you wake up and a cat is kneading your bum, are you supposed to tip? Or is it a scam? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

In our Tempur-Pedic marriage, I am the bowling ball, and my wife is the glass of wine. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 68

I'm pretty sure Mensa hands out bumper stickers as a test. If you put it on your car, you fail. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 62

Why did the hipster cross the road? To tell the chicken that he totally crossed the road first. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 59

My abs are so firm, you could bounce a Quarter Pounder with Cheese off of them. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

I refuse to worry about wrinkles anymore. Besides, the botox I used on my scrotum burned and just made my balls look surprised all the time. @FriedWords (Derek) – 57

'Passive-aggressive' is just a way of saying you not only want to behave like an asshole, but you also want credit for being a saint. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 55

I suspect she'd make marginally more sense if she were named Lady Dada. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 55

I would tell my wife she makes a better door than a window, but I just saw her take a couple of Midol. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 55

I'm glad the ex-wife is raising our son vegan because sometimes I run out reasons for wanting to punch her in the face. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 54

Outfit by Victoria's Secret. Body by McDonald's. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 53

"Daddy, tell me about your first date with mommy." "Sure, son. We were at a bar... Hey, all you need to know is that it had a happy ending." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 53

You took so long showering and drinking and crying and cutting yourself that I'm not even in the mood anymore. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 179

If he's never picked you up at the airport, I think you have an *acquaintance* in Jesus. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 131

I'm starting to think the CIA programmed me to kill upon hearing the song 'Jingle Bell Rock.' @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 118

Jonas to my grandfather, who is in a new nursing home: "You're pretty lucky, Papa, because there's a graveyard next door for when you die." @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 92

I have two hands: one for having cake, the other for eating cake. Don't see what the problem is. @poeks (Poeks) – 91

"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 82

"Because you're a dumbass" is almost never the answer you should give, but it's almost always the correct one, even when you ask yourself. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 73

Judging by the Cheetos dust on the treadmill controls, I would say I have never actually used this thing properly. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 73

The doctor just described my breasts as "unremarkable." Apparently she's talked to every guy I've ever dated. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 69

I've often been told that I have the hands of a surgeon. Well. The handwriting of a surgeon actually but it's practically the same thing. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 69

Hi. Please stop raising my awareness. If something *really* means a lot to you, get off your fat ass and go fix it. I'll do the same. #cred @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 66

Just watched a Dad help his profoundly disabled daughter get off the bus, hug her, and ask how her day went. Not one hashtag in sight. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 61

I wouldn't be so judgmental if you would just stop being so god damn awful. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

Oh lord, why must my muscles always ripple like a really buff prowling jaguar?! @davegorum (dave.exe) – 56

If there is ever an emergency with a nationwide shortage of bullshit, the world is going to thank us for finely honing our skills here. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 53

Sometimes love is not enough. Bring cookies just in case. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

Listening to the Vatican's new Christmas album. First track: "I Saw Father Kissing Santa Claus." @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

I just found out that the dude who does my semi-weekly Brazilian thought I was gay! @biorhythmist (matt) – 49

Now another woman claims she has proof of an affair with Tiger Woods. Man, he never should have signed those scorecards. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48

I joined the KKK for the homophobia but stayed for the anonymous gay sex. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 132

Judging by your face, you are not an attractive person. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 107

What is productivity, really? I will ponder this question while sitting in my new manila folder igloo. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 90

Lost the baby Jesus for the miniature nativity scene, so I used a frozen Jimmy Dean sausage instead. Merry Sausagemas. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 89

My employees forgot about Cyber Monday. I won't rub it in. They look embarrassed enough when I walk by in my RoboCop suit. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 88

A friend asked me how old I thought she was. I answered vaguely to be safe, saying "Young enough for acne but old enough for sagging boobs." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 81

Dropping the kid off at kindergarten on the way to meanergarten. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 81

Best part about carrying a ukulele through an airport: THEM: "So... you a musician?" ME: "Yeah, I play a little guitar." @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 74

The Boy came into my room with tears welling in his eyes, to ask if I had sold his pajamas. Which just goes to show: kids are fucking weird. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 69

Well, that's the last time I offer myself up to be deep crawled. With no computer. At a bar. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 66

I'm not sure there would be such a stigma if instead of crabs, people could be infested with popcorn shrimp. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 63

Personally, I won't be satisfied until a Buddhist monk lights himself on fire for web standards. @Moltz (Moltz) – 61

Profoundly funny tweet #6190424272 (?) @cravenheart (Unavailable) – 61

"I like only white lights on the tree." "I want colored lights." "Colored? That's racist." "You're the one who wants the white only tree." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 60

"Satellite Radio" is a trademark. The generic term is "Radio! From! Spaaaaaaaace!" @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 58

Tiger Woods deserves the benefit of the doubt no matter how many people he supposedly killed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Sad to announce The LunaPod Project is now dead. My mass-produced $7 rocket to the moon was undermined by suppliers, lawyers, and reality. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

A laconic celebrity golfer makes his pasty, fair-weather fans get all mad and pitchforky. At last. My perfect storm of who the fuck cares. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

I looked at my tweetcloud. I think I'm gay and pretty certain I have a poop fetish. My life makes so much sense now. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 56

Life will be less complicated once my cat learns how to tie his own bow ties. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

Clearly, there's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 94

I discovered the best way to untangle Christmas lights is with scissors. I now have to buy new ones but you can't put a price on my sanity. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 89

Hipsters don't fart. They just make fart noises with their mouth and then smirk. It smells like wasted potential. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76

Step 1: Put on corduroy shorts. Step 2: Go to gym. Step 3: Get on treadmill. Step 4: Run. Step 5: Laugh and laugh and laugh. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

The state flower of Ohio is ranch dressing. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 62

A 17th level paladin with -10 armor class and +5 holy avenger, who always rolls a 20 on saving throws, still has 0% chance of getting laid. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 59

Yo mama so fat she trampled several shoppers at Amazon.com. @giromide (Pantse Macabre) – 57

If I was a blues musician, all my songs would be about how much I hate the blues. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 55

I'm at Dick's Sporting Goods. Their Black Friday Sale was so HUGE and long that people are still coming. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 54

I'll know the terrorists have won when they can stand down a herd of my relatives asking them why they're not married yet. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 54

My other car is a couch. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

Cocka doodle doo and gobble gobble sound dirty, but not particularly sexy. Fowl language is not meant for everyone. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 48

I put the "taco" in "catacombs." Yeah, didn't make much sense to me either. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

Anal bleaching isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve been sitting in a tub of Clorox for two hours and it’s really starting to burn my ass. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 44

Some women tire quickly when they give hand jobs with their weaker hands. Now, your Mom on the other hand... @MODAT (Modat) – 42

Tiger's wife may be able to beat him on a Friday, but never on a Sunday. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41

This just in: Women mugged in Castro district of San Francisco. Two guys held her down and third one did her hair. @blankslate (Alex) – 41

Outlook for tomorrow: Depressimistic. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 40

Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct! @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 96

I had this really kinky boyfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 83

Once again, it appears I've prematurely donned my gay apparel. @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 82

Black Friday shopping? No thank you. If I wanted to hang out with that many assholes, I'd join the Republican Party. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 71

My wife doesn't seem to care for my euphemisms. Seriously, what's so wrong about asking if I can blow insulation behind her dry wall? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a "flavor-saver" so I made a your mom joke and that's how grandma got the ambulance ride. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55

Damn. Waterproof mascara is harder to get off than your mom. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Our nation is under siege by aspiring reality TV stars. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

I have so much respect for parents who don't drink. @gruber (John Gruber) – 49

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

If a female firefighter loses her job because she won't put out, it's not necessarily sexual discrimination. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48

Getting my hair cut. Bitch had it coming. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Men used to just try to get laid all the time. Now they want stars and a #FF...when they're not funny I'd almost rather give them the sex. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 47

I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING! @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 46

Apple pie for breakfast, pumpkin pie for lunch, pecan pie for dinner. PIE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44

Profoundly funny tweet #6126752079 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 44

"Don't worry — I'll remember." - Me, just before forgetting... something. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

My wife is somehow resistant to my bedroom mating dance. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42