At 19, hearing "I love you" made me melt. At 29, "You were right" makes me swoon.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) β 105
Why is everyone on that baseball team wearing a Jay-Z cap?
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) β 93
Juan is the loneliest plumber. Chu is just as sad as Juan. He's the loneliest plumber since the plumber Juan.
@rsmallbone (rsmallbone) β 70
You memorized a few Bible passages. So? I know all the words to Stairway To Heaven but you don't see me boring the train reciting it.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) β 68
"It's OK," the naked, floppy-boobed woman said in the locker room. "We've got the same parts." Not quite. I can't play tetherball with mine.
@gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) β 65
I bet one of the best things about living in ancient times was being able to push somebody off the edge of the world.
@3hoss (Eric Hoss) β 65
It's funny how, even when the ice cream is actually making you cry harder, you convince yourself that one more spoonful will stop the tears.
@Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) β 64
Profoundly funny tweet #5351373325 (?)
@luckyshirt (Unavailable) β 64
STAR WARS Episodes IV-VI are to be referred to as "The Original Trilogy." Episodes I-III are not to be referred to at all.
@FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) β 61
Every morning I wake up, get dressed for work and resist the urge to tie a Windsor Noose.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) β 61
I ran away from home two days ago and my wife still hasn't come looking for me! It's not like she doesn't know where my boyfriend's loft is!
@fireland (Joshua Allen) β 56
If we would have lied in the beginning, girls, we could've had three weeks of being crazy and eating chocolate instead of just one.
@baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) β 55
Celebrities are so rude. Not one of them has sent me a toenail in return.
This diorama is never gonna be finished.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) β 51
Next month let's all be dentists.
@AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) β 49
STARTED TWITTER MEME
#sadepitaph
@sween (Jason Sweeney) β 47
I bet when Victoria's Secret hands out pink slips, it can get a little confusing.
@plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) β 47
How the fuck did he learn the F word?
Oh.
@irreverend (Kim Lisagor) β 46
Don't you judge me, Whole Foods woman. The only differences between us are that you use cloth shopping bags & I shave my armpits.
@gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) β 46
Just an idea: Take a few months and write a good novel. No rush.
@AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) β 45
I think the voice in my head sounds like Oprah, or maybe it's just Nell Carter. Either way, this fifth donut should shut her up for awhile.
@FriedWords (Derek) β 43
