#ccsteff

At 19, hearing "I love you" made me melt. At 29, "You were right" makes me swoon. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 105

Why is everyone on that baseball team wearing a Jay-Z cap? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 93

Juan is the loneliest plumber. Chu is just as sad as Juan. He's the loneliest plumber since the plumber Juan. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 70

You memorized a few Bible passages. So? I know all the words to Stairway To Heaven but you don't see me boring the train reciting it. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 68

"It's OK," the naked, floppy-boobed woman said in the locker room. "We've got the same parts." Not quite. I can't play tetherball with mine. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65

I bet one of the best things about living in ancient times was being able to push somebody off the edge of the world. @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 65

It's funny how, even when the ice cream is actually making you cry harder, you convince yourself that one more spoonful will stop the tears. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64

Profoundly funny tweet #5351373325 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 64

STAR WARS Episodes IV-VI are to be referred to as "The Original Trilogy." Episodes I-III are not to be referred to at all. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 61

Every morning I wake up, get dressed for work and resist the urge to tie a Windsor Noose. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61

I ran away from home two days ago and my wife still hasn't come looking for me! It's not like she doesn't know where my boyfriend's loft is! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 56

If we would have lied in the beginning, girls, we could've had three weeks of being crazy and eating chocolate instead of just one. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 55

Celebrities are so rude. Not one of them has sent me a toenail in return. This diorama is never gonna be finished. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

Next month let's all be dentists. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 49

STARTED TWITTER MEME #sadepitaph @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47

I bet when Victoria's Secret hands out pink slips, it can get a little confusing. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 47

How the fuck did he learn the F word? Oh. @irreverend (Kim Lisagor) – 46

Don't you judge me, Whole Foods woman. The only differences between us are that you use cloth shopping bags & I shave my armpits. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46

Just an idea: Take a few months and write a good novel. No rush. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45

Uh-oh. Trader Joe's is playing "Shout". Hold my Mueslix while I get a little bit softer now. I SAID HOLD MY FUCKING MUESLIX. @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 119

Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial, with the actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers in her mouth. @ladawn (Mixmaster L.A. Dawn) – 107

Dinner was awful, so I asked to speak to the manager and that's when my wife came at me with a kitchen knife, Your Honor. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 97

Confused I won't take Jim's last name, they ask what name our kids will have. Easy. We make them pick the name of the parent they love more. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 97

Would you rather have a liberal amount of hot fudge on your sundae, or a conservative amount? Conservatives: They even lie about ice cream. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 96

old dog : "taking it to the farm" :: kids' drawing : "taking it to work" @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 76

BREAKING: Obama has authorized 40,000 more troops to fight Fox News. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74

I'd watch C-SPAN more if Congress wore throwback uniforms every once in a while. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

"Dad, where does God live?" "God lives inside each of us, son. Like a magic tapeworm slowly devouring our souls... Welp, goodnight." @FriedWords (Derek) – 69

I just blocked 500 people. If I blocked you unfairly, please let me know how you're reading this, and I'll block you there, too. @Remiel (Remiel) – 66

THIS JUST IN -- HIPSTER DUDE IN JAUNTY SCARF AND POINTY SHOES RUNNING TO CATCH BUS HILARIOUS -- MORE DETAILS AS THEY BECOME AVAILABLE @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62

Yes child, you must go to bed. Because it's a school night, that's why. Also, I'd like to eat Froot Loops at 9:30 PM without your judgment. @vmarinelli (Victoria Marinelli) – 57

So many hammer reviews. So few tree houses. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50

Sharks would be less dangerous if we just let them eat at Applebee's. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50

For Halloween I'll dress up as an overweight guy whose wife won't sleep with him because I already am the costume. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 50

"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 49

New high score on the Wii Fit! This "BMI" game is a piece of cake. @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 48

Some days, swearing is easier than finding a thesaurus. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 47

I figure my "Dr. Manhattan" Halloween costume will cost me $105. That's $5 for blue spraypaint, and $100 to pay the indecent exposure fine. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 44

They are letting me take baby home now, obviously they don't follow me on Twitter. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 117

They're so cute when they're sleeping. I'll fix the gas leak later this afternoon maybe. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 109

Jim doesn't like it when I say we got married for health insurance, so I'm telling everyone we got married so we could finally have sex. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 108

I always flash an insufferably smug smile to Kindle Guy as I continue enjoying my book during our final descent. @gruber (John Gruber) – 87

Canadians *do* say "fuck". We just pronounce it "I'M SORRY". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 86

In today's performance, the role of Monday will be played by Keanu Reeves. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73

in my car, pondering how weird it is that I "drive" on a "parkway" & "masturbate" in your "driveway." also, you may wanna get some drapes. @theduty (duty) – 73

I really hate the person who writes the scripts for my inner monologue. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 64

I'm finally off oxygen and can't wait to go home so I can shop for some new fall hats! @LucyKateHopkins (Lucy Kate Hopkins) – 64

At my apartment, we play The Floor is Covered in Lava every day! Except the lava is laundry. And you can step on it. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 58

Exclusive: Are Fake Hypothetical Questions Just Easy Link Bait for Dumbasses? Find out "after the jump" » @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

History is written by those with administrator rights on Wikipedia. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 56

Not sure I buy Ahmadinejad's explanation that the second facility is for developing Stuffed Crust Pan Pizza technology. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Recent headlines featuring Roman Polanski and MacKenzie Phillips lead me to one conclusion: Britney Spears is behaving herself. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

The more I view her line of products, the more I question how "little" Debbie actually was. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 54

If you ever find yourself standing alone in the kitchen wondering if a grape will fit in your nose, it's time to get out of the house. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 53

Every time someone rolls their eyes and goes, "I want some of whatever YOU'RE on!" I wish I was on someone always punching them in the face. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53

I was having a pretty crappy day, then someone gave me swedish fish and now I am a little bit fatter and my teeth are going to rot out. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 52

Looking up Internet slang in my tehsaurus. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 52

"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 160

If I suddenly lost the ability to open nail polish bottles, my marriage would be in trouble. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59

My dress is so short this restaurant will have to sanitize the chair when I leave. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 56

To my fellow Nova Scotians: "I saw it" = CORRECT. "I seen it" = THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

I'm okay with not getting Bin Laden if we can at least get the Aflac duck. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

It occurs to me that if I had a boyfriend, he would be here right now. Drinking half of my beer. FUCK THAT SHIT. @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 47

Broke a shoestring. I hadn't budgeted to buy a new one. I'm on a-- I'm sorry, I don't recall the expression. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46

9 out of 10 unicorns agree that pizza is magic. 1 out of 10 unicorns is a total whoring liar. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45

I'm going to insist you pick a restaurant against your will, but when you do I'm going to disagree with your decision. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 43

Web developers do it by themselves in front of a computer. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 42

Minimalists do it. @giromide (Pantse Macabre) – 41

Canadians let you do it first. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41

Absinthe makes my pants go yonder. @shoesonwrong (Annie) – 40

When Talk Like a Pirate Day coincides with Rosh Hashanah, they should just call it Piss Off a Rabbi Day. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 40

In my head, unicorns bleed rainbow sherbet. In my head I also have a boyfriend, so my head's a pretty unreliable narrator. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 40

Is that Glenn Beck in your pants or is your penis just batshit insane? @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 40

Told a buddy "drive safe!" over the phone. The disappointment in his voice told me I could've just said "You be the big spoon tonight." @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 38

I fucked your sister is the new, it's not you it's me. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 33

Dropped the deodorant in the toilet. I guess I can still use it, though. Who will know? Besides all of you, I mean. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 32

"Why did you put foot powder on your balls?" "I put all kinds of stuff on my balls when you're not around." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 77

If they didn't want me running around the place wearing my smock like a cape, they shouldn't have named it SuperCuts. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 69

I wish all these idiots were as tolerant, self-aware, and intellectually nuanced as I am. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 66

Funny how quickly "We don't have to be there until 2pm" becomes "Shit, we have to be there at 2pm." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 63

Someday, I'll see "September 12" on my calendar and not picture Dick Cheney rubbing his hands and chortling gleefully. That'll be nice. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 59

I just spent all morning baby-proofing my house and the little fucker keeps getting in. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 58

I just ousted Amy G. as the mayor of my fucking couch. @gruber (John Gruber) – 57

Dear General Mills: "Espress-O's". Make it happen. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 56

These donuts may be "mini" in terms of size, but in terms of flavor, spirit, and bravery, they are giants. God speed, donut friends. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 55

I feel justified eating all this ice cream since I'm getting my period. At some point later this month. @poeks (Poeks) – 54

How old am I? It's 11:30 on a Friday night and I've already been asleep long enough to get up once. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

I'm ending this week on a super HIGH note, if you catch my drift. Yep, playing the piccolo. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

People who look down their noses at you while pronouncing "vase" as "vaaahz" make me want to punch them in the faaahz. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

If you’d told sixteen year-old me that future computers ship with 2GB of RAM but can barely open Word, I so would’ve burned your witch ass. @beep (Ethan Marcotte) – 43

I'm going to go dick around with some wiring. Tell my kids you were occasionally mildly amused by things I said on the internet. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 43

I'm guessing the main reason guys think the G Spot is a myth is because you can't hit it with your dick. @poeks (Poeks) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #3923324620 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 41

Telegraph Avenue smells like fancy herbal soaps and the people who aren't using them. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 41

The founder of The Weather Channel passed away. That funeral's gonna have some pretty awkward small talk. @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 40

Swine flu won't really hit home with me until Magic Johnson gets it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 116

Ma'am, it's unbecoming to wear pants so tight that we can see the pulse in your femoral artery. And your resting heart rate is too high. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 83

Oh, just buying a 35-pound tub of sand so an animal eaten in other countries will feel more comfortable taking a shit in my house. You? @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 70

I'm just gonna go ahead and assume that any family values candidate is humping something he shouldn't be. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 65

Nobody puts baby in a corn dog! @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64

Having a pool directly below your hotel room balcony is bad. If you have poor impulse control. Or an active imagination. It's bad for me. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63

We are at a Yankees game. Eight rows behind home plate. And you know what my husband is doing? FUCKING BLOGGING ON HIS STUPID PHONE. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 61

I like to think my horrible personality makes up for my average looks. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 59

It's a little-known fact that the unemployed have over 200 words for daytime TV. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 55

The iPod Obama gave the Queen is now an outdated piece of junk. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

When receiving communion, it's best to wait until you get back to your pew to add the Cheez Wiz. Trust me on this one. @LovableDoofus (Unavailable) – 53

In North Carolina. Not one waitress has called me "Sugar". Filing class-action suit. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

Some lady just cut me off and almost made me dump my bowl of cereal. I can't believe some people. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 49

HELP! It's a gang of newly indoctrinated 11 year old socialists at my library trying to learn stuff. OMG! One wants to be an engineer! @donchiefnerd (Don Henry) – 49

The woman who called asking for a pledge of $1,000 to my college didn't appeciate my question of whether she was out of her goddamn mind. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 48

I'm out of the ICU and in the Heart Center now. They took out my chest tube and I'm feeling better today. Hopefully I can go home this week. @LucyKateHopkins (Lucy Kate Hopkins) – 45

I really enjoy making people feel good about themselves. That's why I asked a few people with stuttering problems what today's date is. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 45

Profoundly funny tweet #3862581173 (?) @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 44

I can see some guy's feet in his stall, *facing* the toilet, and can hear him wiping. I'm just gonna yell 'FREAK!' and turn off the lights. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 43

Ellie's realized she can use her baby monitor as an intercom; now, @madmann and I are butlers for a small, insane person with a megaphone. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 113

My neighbors are stealing my Wi-Fi. I'm changing the password as soon as I get out from under their bed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

"I hate other girls" translates to "Hey boys! See how different I am from other girls? I'm so not like those bitches. Do you love me yet?" @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 88

SWM seeks fiery redhead into skiing, Thai food, old movies, walks on the beach, snuggling, omg woman QUIT SUFFOCATING ME @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 87

A bad analogy is like a dildo made of peanuts; it's confusing, offensive, and very dangerous for people with allergies. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 84

Our little Lucy is finally breathing without a ventilator. Another huge step in her recovery. The drugs are wearing off and she's waking up. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 83

Saying cows have prominent teats is an udderstatement. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80

Today's fashion-forward teen enjoys an empowering range of options—from "sad hooker on her way to work" to "sad hooker on laundry day." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 78

Lucy is still sedated, but breathing on her own right now. This is huge. Stay tuned. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 76

My son doesn't like broccoli but apparently his snot tastes magical. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 71

I have prepared a statement: Mistakes were made in the shaving of my face this morning. I will not be taking questions. Thank you. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 66

Sitting so long my ass just leveled up. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64

Please be advised: For tonight's performance, the role of "portly, recently-coiffed terrorist" will be played by my new passport photo. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 62

Does this avatar make me look up and to the right? @luckyshirt (Darin Ross) – 59

ALWAYS keep a spare suit and tie in your office. You never know when a quick change will allow you to sneak back in line for free ice cream. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 57

Profoundly funny tweet #3563191935 (?) @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 57

My girlfriend left her loofah in my shower. I've been using it, but I pretend it's a balled-up chainsaw blade so I don't feel as super gay. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 57

"Arugula." If you just pictured a leafy vegetable instead of hearing an old timey car horn, you have reached this tweet in error. @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 56

Think you're having a bad day? Imagine: somewhere in Washington, someone is having to listen while Joe Biden reminisces about Ted Kennedy. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

Hi. I'm in a staff meeting. There are 83 ceiling tiles in our meeting room. And 8 light fixtures, with 24 fluorescent bulbs. That is all. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 127

I can't believe I was late for work tomorrow. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 121

Obama's birthday is Tuesday. Let's all chip in and get him a new vice president. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 104

Nothing kills the mood faster than the buzzer from the dryer. Except asking to be untied so you can start the next load of laundry. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 95

Some interesting facts I learned at the children's museum, lightning bugs are actually beetles and I hate children. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 88

If I star her tweet about our relationship problems, thats the same as an apology right? @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 82

Sleepmasturbating is a rare but perfectly normal condition. I know you know that. This is more for the other passengers of Delta flight 881. @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 78

The good thing about living in a state of constant fear? No hiccups. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 74

Wife dragged me to a cooking class last night. I'm beyond clueless. When chef pointed out the whips & beaters, I shouted my safe word. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 72

How in the world did people remember the Alamo before Post-It notes? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

I've never made money on Twitter. But I've made real friends. And that's rare. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 70

I'm glad you stopped by my office to complain about your day. This reminds me of that time I didn't give a shit. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 67

1f u c4n r34d th1s. 1t'5 t1m3 f0r u 2 g3t l41d. ...53r10u5ly. @theduty (duty) – 64

My IRC handle is sandwich69 because that's how I was conceived. Think about it. GROSS STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 64

I was about to speak in the Mens room but that would be rude and awkward. Besides, it's difficult with this giant cock in my mouth. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 61

I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 61

How do people end up worshipping Satan? That's like hating school so much you start your own secret, after-school detention club. @Remiel (Gabriel) – 55

Too much Rage Against The Machine and I start to worry my wife is going to burn the motherfucking Suzuki Aerio to the ground. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

If your breaking news tastes purple, you may be suffering from cnnesthesia. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55