#roughdiction

They should make a Saw movie where the torture is to watch the other Saw movies. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 143

That was cynical. I apologize, SEOs. apologies, apology, sorry, best apology, cheap apology, horny apology @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 132

Unfollowing me over *whitespace*? You mean that whitespace I left on your Mom? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 105

Screw the Mayan calendar. This Dilbert desk calendar speaks of nothing beyond December 31, 2009. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 94

5 imaginary football positions that sound real to me: 1. Rear end. 2. Stain guard. 3. Finger snapper. 4. Defensive retort. 5. Markie post. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63

If I believed in karma, all of this bad luck would make sense. Instead I'm blaming minorities like grandma always did. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 61

"Wow, this is a dirty kitchen!" exclaimed our 5-year-old's friend, here for a playdate. Still, he finished his bowl of lead paint chips. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

I went to the church pot luck, but I don't think anything actually had pot in it except for the brownies I brought. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 59

Patriots win 59-0. There hasn't been that wide a spread since your mom in '76. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 55

Birdhouse star taxonomy need not be in order of quality. Mine are: ★ racist? ★★ pun/stolen ★★★ BEES! ★★★★ racist pun ★★★★★ fake drunk @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 53

Now I'm looking forward to a movie adaptation of 'Goodnight Moon.' I'd like to see Tom Hanks as the bowl full of mush. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53

You complete me, but only because I was too lazy to do it myself. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50

"Turn nuggets halfway though cooking"? Look, I'm microwaving dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets, not training to become the next Emeril Lagasse @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 49

When life gives you lemons, maybe you deserve lemons. Life doesn't hand out reasonless lemons. Some of us are pretty tired of your lemonade. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Patrick Batem) – 49

Attempted to get out of a ticket by finding a common ground with the officer, so I showed him I had a similar gun in my glovebox. Bad idea. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 48

My weekend was great, thanks. It was like two solid days of you shutting the fuck up. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 47

When I get challenged to a match of 'rock, paper, scissors', I always win because on the count of three, I slap the person as hard as I can. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 43

This salad tastes like despair. No, wait. That's raddichio. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 43

These cookies are so good, you don't need to get up for milk. It just flows from your own nipples. @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 41

My internet is so slow, it's just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them shit in person. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 97

At my daughter's cross country meet. Seeing girls run away from me brings back a flood of middle school memories. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 80

Starbucks. Morning. Parking lot awash with Harleys. Leather-clad men politely line up for coffee. Bikers for Jesus. Born to be mild. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71

I like the scene in "Windows 7" when Windows decides to come out of retirement and fight the Russian guy. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 70

The Greek god of smugness was a minor figure in the pantheon. Prius was banished to Hades after a dismissive remark about Apollo's chariot. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 68

"And remember guys: it's not a pie-eating contest. Treat her like a lady, not a pile of envelopes, amirite? High five." — Rene Descartes @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 64

They didn't have G20 riots when I was in college. I did get pretty pissed off about the New Coke thing, though. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62

Twitter is now valued at $1 billion? I refuse to pay that much. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

Yo Swede, I'm really happy for you but 'less we go Dutch, ain't Norway I'mma let you Finnish this Danish. @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 54

I honked and flipped someone off while listening to the Dalai Lama's book on CD, and I-- well, I think I attained enlightenment. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51

Coffee and eggs in bed. Long overdo love-making. Leisurely shave then newspaper and DVR. JK!!! Youth soccer 8 AM. Kill me. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 50

"Oh, y'know. Writing. Talks. Walking around on a Saturday morning smoking a cigar and typing jokes about eating pussy into a phone. Talks." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49

Sittin' on the floor in Ellie's room, making piles of Play Doh poop and laughing. Wonder where Eleanor went. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

My son just told me he's having trouble focusing at school ...or something like that. It was hard to hear him over the football game. @FriedWords (Derek) – 46

I don't know what's dumber-- Dane Cook's 10 minutes about masturbating, or me for not changing the channel. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 44

It seems unfair that foreplay always means playing with her tits when mine are just as big. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 44

Girlfriend, pointing to my legs, "Looks like somebody's winter coat is coming in." @poeks (Poeks) – 43

If you shave it, he will come. @blondediva11 (blondediva11) – 42

The nurse just said "you're going to feel a poke." I yelled out, "that's how she got here!" They love me here already. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 37

Hugh Hefner is getting a divorce? Well, there goes his conservative Catholic fan base. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 94

Walked my kid to school. Gave a homeless guy ten bucks for a cigarette. Saw a C-3PO tattoo on a woman's back. Sometimes life's OK. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 81

They wouldn't sell me a dead cow, an intact tuna fish or a wheel of cheese. "Whole Foods" my ass. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76

Last night I dreamed I ate my pillow. I woke up and the bag of marshmallows I had in bed because otherwise this joke won't work was gone. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 74

We met last week at Gymboree. My kid kept hitting yours with that stick. I felt a connection. I wrote my number on your toddler. Call me. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 73

I forgot about the No White After Labor Day rule, so now I look foolish wearing this white fanny pack. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL! Or at Cracker Barrel. Same difference. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 50

Okay, I'm sorry I called you a scrote boat and an ass raft, but I stand by my assertion that you're a poo poo canoe. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 49

Love LOVE iTunes 9. For real. But, anybody know if there's another visualizer besides that colorful spinning ball? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

Less than six months after Obama sent her a birthday letter, the world's oldest person has died. FREAKY. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48

I figure if I inhale enough roach spray, I can get the magic bear that lives in my pants to teach my kindergarten class for me. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 47

If boobs could talk I bet they'd say babies suck. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45

Having a picture of your screaming 2yr old stuck in the toilet means you left him there to go get your camera. Awesome. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 45

Every time Taco Bell rings, an angel gets the runs. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 44

My 3 yr old can sing the entire "iCarly" theme. I'm as impressed by his auditory learning abilities as I am ashamed of my parenting skills. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 43

Coworkers enjoy the privilege of half-day Fridays. As a contractor, I enjoy the privilege of searching their desks for candy and change. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 41

I'm so tired and I can't sleep and my eyes are sore and my head hurts and these stupid pink elephants can't play poker for shit. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 41

"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 41

Wow, so THIS is why you guys sit around on the Internet with no pants. I've never felt so free! The barista's getting annoyed, though. @yhf (Jim Something) – 40

If you love something, hold onto it until Stockholm Syndrome kicks in. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 113

Under ObamaCare, everyone who believes ObamaCare is a Nazi-esque program will be covered for mental health treatment. @gruber (John Gruber) – 88

I'm on the living room floor thinking about my failures as a father while my son sings to me & combs my hair with his My Little Pony brush. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 77

I'm overworked and underdrunk. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 65

#howgoodisGod: He made this guy at school get hit by a car so I could ask his girl to the dance, and when she said no, He gave her cancer. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 62

Hump Day. Named after your mom. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59

Whenever I eat creamy peanut butter in bed, I have to turn my framed photograph of chunky peanut butter toward the wall. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 57

Swiss bank accounts, fine. But let's leave Swiss Cake Rolls alone. Nobody cares who's eaten how many of those. Right? NO RECORDS, RIGHT? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Frankly, I think getting my bathing suit professionally extracted from my colon is half the fun of going on a waterslide. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 56

What does Gene Shalit wear when he needs to comically disguise himself? @nick (Nick Douglas) – 54

Summer break over. Pools closed. Kids back to school. <sigh> I guess it's time to take off my mesh tank top. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53

We need some new mythological creatures. I propose the scentofawomantaur. Half Al Pacino, half horse. Speaks in hoo-ahs. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 52

I'm as appalled that John confuses Real Genius with Weird Science as he is that I mix up Futura and Helvetica. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 52

What's up with porn penises being half the size of regular penises? @nostrich (nostrich) – 49

Ha ha. No, sweetie. Don't worry. You're not going to be violet. (That is SO adorable.) I said 'violated', honey. Violated. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 49

There is a reasoned, civic, nationwide debate re: health care reform between conservatives and liberals — within the Democratic Party. @gruber (John Gruber) – 48

Someone I've never met changed phone number from something I didn't know to something I'll never use. Thanks, Facebook. The future sucks. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 46

I like my coffee like I like my "I like my coffee like I like my 'I like my coffee like I like my fractals' jokes" jokes. @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 45

Nobody's feeling my Braille jokes. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 45

Some people fight racism. Some people fight sexism. I fight Vampire Hitler. HE'S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I'M TAKING CARE OF IT. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102

Troubleshooting. Next step, shooting. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62

The argument "Jesus must have existed because so many things were written about him" makes me want to go to New York to meet Spiderman. @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 60

When I meet women, I try to impress them with my good looks, dance moves and big dick. I have none of those so I just fix their computer. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 59

Frankly, I don't think anyone who measures trust in physical distance should be allowed to throw people, anyway. @Remiel (Gabriel) – 57

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him lifeguard. Horses don't know CPR. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

"Cut it out" "RT Cut it out" "Stop it!" "RT Stop it!" "Daaad, tell him to stop!" "RT Daaad, tell him to stop!" My kids on Twitter. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 57

Police officer just came to our door looking for an address that doesn't exist. I will report this to Obama. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Does this neck brace make me look straight ahead? @biorhythmist (matt) – 56

When my wife goes away, she leaves a Honey Do list. I say, "Fuck you, it's Saturday!" But, it comes out, "Yes, Dear." I'll be back later. @BakeMyFish (Cunny Snort) – 53

I WON'T BE IGNORED, AUTOMATIC PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

"Coffee is good at work, but I'd never be so strung out that I'd need it on weekends." - Me, 15 years ago, remembered while I top off. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51

The Doubters: "You can't convince millions of poor people they don't want help paying their doctor bills." FOX News: "Oh no? Watch me." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49

Crumbs in your keyboard are just a snack you haven't met! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

the best way to tell a friend they have a booger in their mustache is to say the words you are tweeting out loud as you type. you got it. @theduty (duty) – 45

On the one hand, I *should* go for a run. On the other hand, I have five fingers. Covered with peanut butter. @antichrista (Christa Mrgan) – 45

Just had a nice catch with my son. HOW FREAKING HARD WAS THAT, HARRY CHAPIN? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45

Profoundly funny tweet #2828703960 (?) @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 44

I'd say I'm an elitist but I'm better than that. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 43

6 years ago today I was sitting in a chat room, feeling sorry for myself and loathing the person I had become and just feeling broken and more lonely than I think I had ever felt and my IM chimed and I look down and I see this message....

"You sound like you're really angry. You must be fat. Do you like Yodels?"

And that was it.

He made me laugh for some reason and he's kept me laughing ever since.

Almost as much as I love bullet points.

I managed to be in approximately five pictures. I never remember to take pictures of you bitches. I will post them in a little bit.

I only tongued Cherilyn. So she should feel special.

Somehow I'm in the same town with the Internet all weekend and only manage to see them for a few hours at the bar. I need to socialize more. 

I did bring my cleavage just for Donald. 

It is impossible to heart Michelle as much as I do.

I may or may not have made plans with Chris to run away together. Don't worry Torgny will take care of Michelle if I do. 

I met a ton of you but still didn't get to meet the a ton. That last part makes me sad. 

Really need to not let the boys pick out my shoes.