#plaid_lemur

Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 154

Profoundly funny tweet #5750649539 (?) @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 132

I think the most exciting part of sex is when I turn on the light and the couple finally sees me. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 111

Can anyone recommend a therapist who won't "freak out" when you get naked and cuddle with them like you do with your uncle? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 99

I wonder if turtles ever get confused while pooping and squeeze their heads off. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79

Out-of-context phrase your wife can say while on the phone with her mother that can make you pay attention: "Marriage of convenience" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 77

I think it's pretty clear who wears the pants in this family, though be it reluctantly and only because my wife tells me I have to. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 77

I've heard you can dip a nipple in whiskey to soothe a colicky baby. Mine's pretty hairy, but it's worth a shot. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 75

Drove through Real America today. Those people like their Jesus, and have trouble avoiding animals on the freeway. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

ATM machine - Machine that makes ATMs. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 66

If Life hands you a bowl of lemons, you look it right in the eye and say, “Fuck you, Life. I’m not your lemonade Wench.” @Beef_Tongue (Squalid Thoughts) – 61

Yes, fat girls need love too, but more importantly; fat girls need FOOD. Write that down. @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 60

I don't see race. That's why I don't like NASCAR. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 59

Caveman advertising: COME THAG'S ROCK EMPORIUM. OUR ROCKS ARE ROCKIEST. YOU FIND BETTER ROCKS, ME SMASH YOU IN HEAD WITH ROCK. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

The neighbor called the cops on me because he was so jealous of my new lawnmower and how good I look pushing it, wearing nothing but gloves. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58

Do not combine a dash & a colon. It will open a portal to the Lost Tomb of Colonel McCormick. Also, it looks like a tiny dong. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 55

OK, just one thing left to do on the pre-move checklist: "Put everything we own into cardboard boxes." @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 53

To reduce the risk of people talking to me, I like to carry around a cover of "Dianetics" to place over the books that I read on the bus. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51