#lisarahmat

Get a big jar. Fill it with amino acids, amphiphiles, nucleases and any other organic compounds you have in your pantry. Add water.

Shake vigorously and pour the contents of the jar over the surface of a young, seismically active planet.

Cross your fingers.

Yes, hello, I would like to purchase a wet/dry vac and a cat that looks exactly like our old cat. QUICKLY. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 151

Why did the Muslim cross the road? Oh. So now a Muslim crossing the road is suspicious activity? @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 102

Anyone else concerned that celebrities are dying off faster than American Idol can create them? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 97

Just recorded a segment with NPR. Turns out you don't need to play your own flute music at the breaks. Awkward. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 90

Constantly at risk of falling in canals. Constantly being mistaken for a window treatment. It would suck to be a blind Venetian. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 69

At this rate, we may need to tap into our Strategic Celebrity Reserves. Tell Loni Anderson to stand by. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

Most girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm made of liquor and wit and SO full of shit. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 66

Profoundly funny tweet #4042425929 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 65

This auto-flush toilet just Kanye'd me during my ... "acceptance speech." @biorhythmist (matt) – 63

I paid my cab driver and said, "See you next time," thus lengthening the trail of strangers wondering whether I'm a liar or just a moron. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 58

"The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 57

If Prince Charming was actually Prince, the glass slipper would probably fit him. And then he'd marry himself. And then hijinks would ensue. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

I know I'm not a cougar yet but I'm well on my way. I'm pre-cougescent. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 53

Yo, H1N1. I'm really happy for you. Imma let you finish. But the Bubonic plague had one of the best outbreaks OF ALL TIME. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 53

If there is one thing I could change about the company-wide presentation I just gave, it would be the erection. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 52

What's the problem? I spend no more time on Twitter during work than a smoker spends on smoke breaks. A smoker with a 20 pack-a-day habit. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52

I talk with my hands so much they now converse with each other, leaving me completely out of the loop. What's that hands? You want pie? @damselesque (Beth) – 50

If they want people to feel bad for starving kids in Africa, they should dress them in little suits and ties. Because office wear sucks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

My account balance is my anti-drug. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 46

A man ahead of me in line at Starbucks calls out to his daughter: "ARGYLE! YOU WANNA MADELEINE OR A BISCOTTI?" There were no survivors. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 88

Cats move like ninjas. Until they walk on your testicles. Then they move like sumos. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 87

Canada: America's Designated Driver. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 78

Twitter is a lot like Michael Jackson's body. Despite the fame, there's no tasteful way to make money off it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76

Yes, sir. I wear the hijab because I'm bald underneath. Just like you wear pants to hide your lack of a dick. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 64

Madam Speaker, as it is Hammer-Time and not one of us can touch this, I move we bring am immediate halt to all breaking down. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60

Just landed in the States after 10 days away. Are you people seriously still stuck on the Michael Jackson thing? I'll be over at Departures. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57

Hi. I'm a Mac. And I'm a PC. And while we film these commercials, Linux bangs our wives. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 54

Son: "You're on twitter? What could you possibly have to say on twitter?" If you only knew, son. If you only... Oh god. What if he knows? @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 53

Some dick at this bar spilled beer on me, so I called him a pee pee mouth, and he called me a fart face, and then we made out, macho style. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53

Wife brought me ice water while I was mowing. SOMEONE'S angling for a few extra minutes of platonic, fully dressed snuggling tonight! @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53

Iran claims it has successfully cloned a cow. Not sure how Ahmadinejad plans to destroy Israel with it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

My boss only uses frowny faces in IM. She's an emoticunt. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 51

Road Trip Update: I wouldn't be steering with my knees if he'd just fucking play the air sax. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

My boy has passed out, ice cream sugar coma. I wrote "Dairy Queen" on his forehead with a Sharpie. Lightweight. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 50

A shower won't fix this bedhead. I may need surgery. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

[Shake] "There is nothing to undo." Nothing to undo? Oh iPhone, you and I have lived entirely different lives. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 49

Colour? IT TICKS ME OFF when Brits waste vowels! People over in the Balkans are RATIONING vowels! I think I've got irritable vowel syndrome. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 46

'Home Is Where the Only Toilet I Feel Comfortable Using Is' just wouldn't look as good in needlepoint. @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 46

My car smells like farts. I am alone in my car. I did not fart. And so begins the worst slasher film ever. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 125

Came to the office clean-shaven for the first time in years. People were surprised. Mostly by the chaps, but how else would I show it off? @Moltz (Moltz) – 105

Cheney's been gone nearly 4 months now, but my "flipping off motorcades" habit is proving hard to break. Sorry about that, Mrs. Biden. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 85

Me: You know what I love about you? Husband: Lisa, you're not married and I'm imaginary. Me: Well you don't have to be so mean about it. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 81

Profoundly funny tweet #1837130768 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 77

Nobody believes me when I tell them I'm OCD. Is it my fault I'm only compelled to do things one time in a row? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

Dance Dance Revolution? More like Stomp Stomp Embarrass Your Girlfriend. haha jk that game's for nerds brb lifting really big weights @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 61

Took the family to an animal shelter this weekend. Probably shouldn't have abandoned them, but I'm sure they'll find a good home eventually. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56

Profoundly funny tweet #1838977704 (?) @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 55

With the right standards, most foods pair nicely with grape soda. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 54

Created a new frozen snack product: Flavored Icicles. Just made the first batch. Wanna lick my test Icicles? @MODAT (Modat) – 52

I just ate so many pistachios that the squirrels at my window started clapping. @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 50

I wish my wife would pick on someone her own size, who would be bigger than me. Oh god here she comes. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49

Cirque du Soleil looks like what would happen if Bjork songs came to life. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 49

Finally saw Benjamin Button. I have to say I think they missed a real opportunity in the end for some hot old lady on baby action. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 49

People have been trying to end prostitution for thousands of years. Turns out all they needed to do was get Craigslist to stop running ads. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 45

"Disturbing" is seeing the neighbor's cat eat it's own shit. "Horrifying" is hearing a 7-year-old boy use the phrase "cum slut" accurately. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 43

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to use an exercise machine, and he'll work out for a day. @Remiel (Gabriel) – 42

If you were a piece of gum on the rim of a urinal, would you tolerate being hit with urine all day, or would you eventually get pissed off? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 41

Here in rural Colombia, there are huge violence, poverty, and health problems. And this is easily the worst cinnamon latte I've ever tasted. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 110

Q: How many Portlanders does it take to change a lightbulb? A: That'd be 60% funnier if you'd said "CFL." Also, jokes harm women. Asshole. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 77

Spent five minutes in staring contest with a crow. Finally gave up. It kept staring. Yelled at it. It was a glove. Birds are stupid. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71

Studies show adding "studies show" to the beginning of a sentence makes the sentence truer. Also: labcoats. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71

Floored by her muted reaction to his ironic Ghostbusters shirt, the narrow, bearded man in clownglasses scans the barista's tats for clues. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

My milk sheikh brings all the boys to jihad. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 53

Blocking your family on Twitter is the new hiding your liquor in the tool shed. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 49

Can you get swine flu from sitting on a toilet seat after a pig? I'm asking for Iowa. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

A simple algorithm to determine if you made a mistake buying a computer: Count the stickers on it. If you reach one, you made a mistake. @giromide (Derek) – 49

My hotel room smells like a hobo, fruit rollups, and a deodorizer that doesn't really cover up the odor of hobos, fruit rollups, or hobos. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 47

10pm. Still at work. YOUNG PEOPLE: THIS IS WHAT 40 LOOKS LIKE. DESTROY CAPITALISM NOW OR YOU WILL HAVE MY CHAIR AFTER I DIE HERE. @BrilliantOrange (Chris Velazquez) – 45

You know how kids whose parents smoke rarely grow up to become smokers? Statistically speaking, my kids will probably never say "fuck." @TBMimsTheThird (cwthethird) – 43

"I'll call you later. From my iPhone." "I'll answer on my Batphone. Douche." "You don't have a Batphone. Who's the douche now?" "Still you." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 43

I passed a few bars where it looked like I could get my ass kicked after 11. I *knew* it was a mistake to not become a badass motherfucker. @tj (TJ Luoma) – 41

A pandemic sure would validate my hermit lifestyle. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41

Pro Comedy, Observed: 1. Never be funny for fun 2. Never be funny for free 3. Unless a producer can see it, never be funny Also: scowl. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 38

When I say things like "game-time decision" around actual sports fans, I feel like a chimp who keeps trying to put tuxedo pants on his head. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 36

Technically, I didn't lose the baby because she's still somewhere in the house. Just misplaced like a set of keys. In the fridge. brb @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 35

Having an orgy is like cooking in someone else's kitchen. All the tools are there, but in unfamiliar places, and there are too many nuts. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 34

Sometimes the best way to do that is to make your own path. It takes a lot of time and energy, and it can be a bit scary, but it’s definitely worth it in the end.