#awryone

Profoundly funny tweet #5956996440 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 74

At work, I try to convince people to change foreign policy. At home, I can't even convince a 5-year-old that the salsa is truly "mild." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 71

A Turducken for cannibals. The Gooneyvito: Danny DeVito stuffed inside George Clooney stuffed inside John Goodman. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

I'd be much thinner if pizza didn't taste like self-esteem. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 62

No, I don't exercise. I'm in the Fitness Protection Program. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 58

She wasn't interested in a one night stand, which is perfect because he wasn't interested in standing. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

I keep a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff so if I ever have amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm AWESOME! @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 56

God. Country line dancing is so retarded. KICK! KICK! SCOOT! KICK! KICK! BEAT YOUR WIFE! KICK! KICK! VOTE REPUBLICAN! SCOOT! @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 56

"She's got a lot of moral fiber. I think she actually shits bibles." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 51

My hair: destroyer of drains, vacuums, relationships. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

The only pre-existing condition most Senators are familiar with is inherited wealth and privilege. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 50

NyQuil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor hugging the ficus medicine. @TiffanyJMoore (Tiffany ) – 48

I trimmed one side, then the other, but it wasn't even so I kept going back and forth and now the cat just looks ridiculous. @biorhythmist (matt) – 47

Turns out my fashion sense swings wildly between 'crumpled professor', 'rustic indie rock' and 'anyway totally drunk'. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 43

Live strong enough to not have that fucking bracelet on your avatar picture. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 43

I've been falsely accused of 'Performing a Lewd and Lascivious Act with a Corn Dog'. I just pray the tests prove that it wasn't my mustard. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 41

Me: Time to sit on the potty! Boy: Ok! The poop is getting in his car and driving to my bum! @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 41

When acids and bases need to be separated, they put them in the Litmus Protection Program. #yesiamahugenerd @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 40

Hey baby we are both up early and the kids are away WINK WINK we can make it to the outlet mall just as it is opening! @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 40

Parenting Tip: The new Twilight movie provides an excellent two-hour window for reading your daughter's journal. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 151

Every time you say "Act your age!" I hear "Be sad with me!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 138

You never forget the first time your daughter beats you at Candyland and calls you her fat bitch. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 136

Me: I'm sad. I gained more weight. Wife: It'll be okay. Keep your chins up. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 115

You ever sneeze in the shower and then look down at the snot in your chest hair and realize you overshare? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 111

Favring tweets with typos is like saying "You have toilet paper hanging out of your pants, but we love you anyhow." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 93

Too groggy from medicine to stay awake. I'll just clean my rifles and go to bed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 90

The wifi goes out at the cafe and it becomes Animal Planet as the hipster meerkats stand up on their hind legs all at once to look around. @biorhythmist (matt) – 78

Profoundly funny tweet #5829528539 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 77

The fact I can't just blink once REALLY HARD and be done with it is frustrating. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 77

All the world's a stage? Or the world is my oyster? I need to know so I can wear the right shoes. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76

Is this "New Moon" everyone is talking about, supposed to replace the one that NASA blew up? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 68

Why is "patience" a virtue? Why can't "hurry the fuck up" be a virtue? @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 65

The thing about traditional families is that they don't exist and never did. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 64

So I killed my son's imaginary friend tonight by sitting on him. Now my son is trying to stab me. Its all very cute and weird and scary. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 63

It's time to get back in the saddle. At least that's what my cowboy keeps telling me. He's so needy. @blondediva11 (blondediva11) – 62

"JENKIN'S WIFE THAT I SECRETLY FINGERED IN THE BATHROOM AT LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARTY?!" ...with that i was banned from office charades. @theduty (duty) – 57

The depressing sex life is coming from inside our bedroom. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 55

If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 55

Ear hair is God's way of telling you it's time to buy a sports car. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 128

Now that I know there's water on the moon, your natural spring water from the Swiss Alps bores me. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107

Before the Internet, if someone disappeared, it meant you should go looking for them. Now it means they got a life. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 99

After all these years, I know I love my wife because when she walks in the room, I still suck in my gut. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 89

I don't care what my wife says, that was probably the most amazing 15 seconds of her life. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 87

You think your wife would have an affair with someone who's not very good at sex? She's probably not super picky at this point, right? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 76

If it weren't for hotel room TV, I'd never know about Hoarders, judge shows, infomercials, FoxNews, and holy shit, we are so deeply fucked. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 70

You know you've been single too long when just *having* sex is your wildest sexual fantasy. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 67

The only part I never understood about father-son talks was why his mascara would run when it was his turn to put the gun in his mouth. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65

Every morning we have to put up with this crap. Would it kill them to invent some orange juice-flavored toothpaste already? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

World's Simplest Self-Improvement Program: Every day, read one thing you don't understand. Yet. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 58

When primatologists doubt a colleague's credibility, I bet they say "show me the monkey." But never "put your monkey where your mouth is." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57

The passive voice should be avoided by you. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 57

Looks like I forgot to make the bed. Which is fine, because I suck at carpentry. @cpinck (Chris Pinckney) – 55

These touchpad devices make it almost impossible to be productive while holding two vodka gimlets. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

Older Indian guy to my wife, at IKEA: "How do I get out of this store?" @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 53

If you find talking about books and using a dictionary fancy, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life vexing you. (It's like "bothering") @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49

I just rapid-fire sneezed 7 times in a row. An orgasm may or may not have occurred. From the tissues it's difficult to tell. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 48

Hey! Did you see that? I put money in the tip jar! Did you see that? Three quarters! Three! See? Awww... you looked away. You suck. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

November always reminds me of Homecoming dances in high school. I think it's the No part. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

Drunk wife turned clocks back. Then I turned them back. Wife forgot and turned them back AGAIN. I'm now late for work last Friday. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 74

My sons said they are done trick or treating like this is some fuckin union job where the workers choose when they go home. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 64

Creationists apparently see nothing wrong with putting out a really buggy beta release, then failing to offer upgrades for 6,000 years. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

It's amazing how many parents dressed up as alcoholics this year. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 55

For 364 days out of the year, my boy's peanut allergy is a concern and inconvenience, but on Halloween, I get all of his Reeses' Cups. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53

Profoundly funny tweet #5337326310 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 52

I wonder how much peanut butter they went through on the set of "Sex in the City" to make it look like Sarah Jessica Parker was talking. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51

I set the clocks back last night and also the bathroom scale. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

I accidentally hit a bunch of kids dressed as zombies with my car. The second time was just to be safe. @DieLaughing (J. A Damn Monster) – 49

"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 49

"Winnie the Pooh." Neurotic animals impotently battle nature and their sense of self, not particularly assisted by a sweet homosexual boy. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

Profoundly funny tweet #5349228717 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 46

My costume required a red feather boa which sheds like you wouldn't believe. Everywhere I go looks like a muppet crime scene. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 45

Didn't buy candy this year, but those kids were so cute I couldn't resist opening the door. They'll know to break the Xanax in half, right? @sloganeerist (sataneerist) – 45

I'm enjoying this extra hour of not showering. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44

Ah, November 1st. The leaves are changing. The air is brisk. Wonder Woman is doing the walk of shame back to her '98 Ford Taurus. @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #5326100839 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 42

It's surprisingly complicated to feel proud of your kid whenever she needs you less. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 42

Yes but there are also some benefits to having an extremely small penis. Here's a pamphlet that—ok, yeah, cool, call me? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 116

So when you said we'd be "going Dutch" on this date, you did NOT mean butt sex, right? OK, just checking. I hear the duck is superb. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 115

The recession is technically over! Surely 15 million unemployed people have the time to put up some streamers and balloons. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 108

For Halloween, I'm going to be a 30 year old woman who's at home alone watching Lifetime movies & crying. But the sexy version of that. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 101

Getting rid of a mother-in-law is easy ... DIVORCE! Ha ha! Just kidding ... you totally have to separate the head from the body. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 96

Surely there's enough rehearsal footage to piece together a Billy Mays movie. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 93

Ugh. Toilet backed up. Called a plumber, but all he did was kill my turtle and eat all my flowers. His paycheck is in another castle. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 85

When telling your wife she doesn't look fat in those pants, confirm she is actually wearing pants. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76

OMG MY KID IS TANTRUMING BECAUSE THEY CHANGED THE APPLE TV FONT. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 73

A guy in this restroom is so pissed off, he's on the toilet yelling obscenities. I should probably get out of his stall before he gets up. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 71

I'm taking the trash out tonight. Does your mom like Chinese? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 63

"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 62

For Halloween I'm going as Facebook. Early on I'll reintroduce a long lost friend, then bore you with which Scooby Doo villain they are. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 62

Show me on your body where you'd like me to touch the doll. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 62

If Oprah were God, she'd be all like, "Look under your seeeeats... *you're* smited, *you're* smited, *you're* smited." @poeks (Poeks) – 61

Get a new job, stop drinking, lose some weight, leave the house, find a therapist, dump the motherfucker. There, your problems: solved. @poeks (Poeks) – 60

My wife had to ask if I would enjoy hot dogs for dinner. I am glad that after 12 years, she still finds me a little bit mysterious. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

The ancient Indian lovemaking guide for the timid and indecisive never caught on. The positions in the "Kinda Sorta" are really unexciting. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57

Well, I don't know how OTHER PEOPLE spell "nonconformist"... @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Know what's more boring than watching people play Rock Band? Watching people who are watching people play Rock Band. Kill me. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64

Hallmark needs to make a 'Sorry I put it in the wrong hole' card. @sarkastickunt (ms. diagnosed) – 59

The problem with marriage counseling is that it isn't specific to my wife's shortcomings. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59

Many know the story of Peter the Pumpkin Eater but few have heard the sad tale of his sexually deviant brother, Walter the Melon Baller. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53

That cauldron of Halloween candy has been undressing me with its eyes from across the room all night. Come here you. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 52

Turns out Jim's Dance of Love is mostly just him dry humping me while I wear a dour expression and wash dishes. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

My wrestling name would be "City Hall." Because you can't fight city hall. And also because all the other good names are kinda taken. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 45

Going costume shopping for the kids because they vetoed my suggestion that they go as grubby, sticky fingered, little life ruiners. @sarkastickunt (ms. diagnosed) – 45

I'm celebrating Mother-in-law Day by judging you and not shaving my upper lip. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44

Discovering condoms have expiration dates was disappointing on multiple levels. @donchiefnerd (Don Henry) – 42

The term "football widow" is inaccurate because if I was dead, I wouldn't be asking to be brought a beer! HAHA, just kidding honey. Honey? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 42

When @sween follows someone who follows someone ... who follows someone who follows you. Six degrees of Canadian Bacon. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 41

You show me someone who believes capitalism will fail & I'll show you someone who has never seen a leopard print Snuggie commercial. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 40

We got a cat for the Twitter material but this one's not funny, so we're having it put to sleep. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 38

Accidentally stumbled upon the doll-parts aisle at the craft store; I've never felt so relieved to not be high. @antichrista (Karate Khrista) – 37

God created Man in His own image so He could watch Himself masturbate. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 36

My favorite thing about camping is getting my wife to admit that she poops. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 35

Checking into a room at HoJo’s with your Mom. ‘Cause damn it, YOU NEVER LEAVE! @navanax (50% More Slime) – 35

My girlfriend claims to be Italian but I'm skeptical since every time I say fellatio, she just gives me confused look. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 34

Wait a minute! This is August! That wasn't Santa! But why would a random stranger need to measure my penis? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 82

William Shatner signed up on Twitter as @williamshatner. Personally, I would have gone with something much more colorful, like @shathimself. @msteciuk (Maggie Steciuk) – 71

I'm banned from driving muscle cars because I just tested positive for Yoplait lowfat yogurt. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

For every fun sex life there is an equal and opposite baby. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 69

Climbing up the ladder here in Washington. I've just been granted Pop Secret clearance. It's for some sort of microwave radiation project. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 67

Actually, Barnes & Noble, I think I'll save *100%* on Dan Brown's follow-up to The Da Vinci Code. @zeldman (Jeffrey Zeldman) – 59

I've just discovered the best new drinking game. You do a shot every time your family members say "Intervention". @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 57

The great thing about living in the hospital is that I can walk around in a gown with my ass hanging out and feel right at home. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56

Melanie Griffith's publicist announced she is going to rehab. This is surprising; why would Melanie Griffith still need a publicist? @rafitorres (Rafael Torres) – 56

I can't remember what Jim did to piss me off, but I yelled "I'm not drunk enough to sleep with you!" in the middle of the restaurant. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 56

Watching Discovery Health's "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant." Next up, "Totally Just Noticed I'm White," followed by "Whoa, I Have TITS?" @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 55

Passive-Aggressive Robot: "IGNORE ME. I WILL JUST SIT HERE. COUNTING THE MILLISECONDS UNTIL MY ATOMIC FUEL CELL DECAYS. I AM OPTIMAL." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

No matter how fast you're going, driving is more fun when you say "WHEEEE!!!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

By using a hemp basket to mix local bamboo, old CFLs, and fair-trade coffee grounds, you can generate a full week's supply of empty gestures @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

Mark your calendars: I'll be holding a Twitter Wit book signing at Borders this afternoon from 4 p.m. to when they notice I'm doing it. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 51

Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem goes into a bar and orders a joke. Bartender goes, "That everything?" and the Theorem goes, "Probably not." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

Just re-watched War of the Worlds. I truly believe there are beings on other planets who would travel millions of miles to kill Tom Cruise. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 50

Profoundly funny tweet #3534811238 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50

I told my mom that success wouldn't change me. She started crying. "Why the hell not?" @nick (Nick Douglas) – 49

Sorry for staring at your boobs, I thought I was wearing sunglasses... @biorhythmist (matt) – 96

The U.S. dollar is now so weak it couldn't open a jar of pickles even if it could buy one. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

Goodnight, you Queens of the Stone Age. You Kings of Leon. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76

I took a shower with my cat last night and Webster's still hasn't updated the definition of "lonely". @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 73

Last night I learned that unfollowing someone is SUPER easy in real life. You just walk away while they're still talking. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 70

The best thing about this church is the breakfast money they pass around on that plate. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 66

What happens in church, stays in church. Except for the life crushing anxiety and neuroses. You get to take those with you wherever you go. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 65

Ďőėŝ ṫĥįś ṱῶḙḕṭ ḿḁҟễ ɱɇ ŀơȫᶄ ᶀṑṝḕđ? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 61

If you're around some cops, don't say "I smell bacon!" Because the cops will eat all the bacon! And then they'll beat you mercilessly. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

There is nothing that this lady's Everything is BIGGER in Texas t-shirt can tell me that I didn't already learn from her Adam's apple. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 52

Discovered during our yard sale that I'd rather burn stuff and piss on it than sell it to rude people. So our yard smells like burned pee. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 51

Profoundly funny tweet #3089744532 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 49

Iced coffee is way better than a blowjob. Unless the blowjob is from a female cause then fuck iced coffee and my priest's lame technique. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45

It's not really Monopoly until someone starts crying. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 42

Back from my secret society meeting. We picked the 2010 Grammy winners and voted to revive the career of Jane Curtin. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42

Oh, autopsied female dog, you are a cold, heartless bitch. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 42

All things considered, it is more like a dick of corn than an ear of corn. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 41

The best thing about her being pregnant is that I'm no longer the fat one. God I'm going to pay for telling that truth. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 39

I just accidentally sat on a toilet with the lid down! That was weird. Then kind of slippery. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 39