#tehawesome

When are they going to replace the five-day work week with the thirty-second montage set to some bitchin' guitar licks? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102

I have a couple of bones to pick with you. #1: you never greet me at the door naked anymore. "I never did that." Which brings us to bone #2. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 81

I don't see how Helen Keller jokes are funny. I don't hear how they're funny, either. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 78

The way the bartender is watering down my drinks is really dampening my spirits. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 76

WOO-HOO! MY WIFE'S DRUNK! I GET TO WATCH WHATEVER I WANT ON TV! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72

I have the complete works of Shakespeare on my iPhone so I can ignore it wherever I go. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

Am I taking crazy pills, or is signing an email mostly reduntant? Take care, Adam @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 66

Embellished Tanks are on sale at Old Navy, but they don't tell you it's clothing until you get there. Lame-o. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

Son, I considered being on time for your first grade Thanksgiving play, but then what would you have written sad poems about in 10 years? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

I've gone from the "Beaver Motel" to the Oklahoma City Sheraton - where the towels are so thick and fluffy I can barely close my suitcase. @blankslate (Alex) – 58

I don’t let my wife come to my office. I wouldn’t want her to see me being somewhat competent & start expecting that shit at home. @cpinck (Chris Pinckney) – 57

"How do I look?" Compared to what? Next to Amy Winehouse, you're smokin' hot. Next to Angelina Jolie, I'm sure you have a nice personality. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

Remember when Gandalf quit his talk show but then came back stronger, riding a horse named Stedman? I'm just saying history repeats itself. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 57

At a wine tasting. Haha more like wine "gulping" the way I'm doing it. No YOU'RE pathetic shutup do they have beer here play VAN HALEN WHOO @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 56

If I was a kid right now, my wife would be in a lot of trouble. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

The time has come to bottle up this anti-consumerism sentiment and sell it back to hipsters as an expensive perfume. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

Never fails I take my pants off get comfortable on the couch & SOMEONE at Sears has to be all "I'm going to ask you nicely to please leave" @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 53

I really hate it when someone tells me to go fuck myself. It’s embarrassing to buy the heels and dildos. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 53

Mom likes your drawing, huh? Well sometimes Mom says she likes something and then 20 years later admits it was all based on a lie. FYI! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 118

Sure, I've been pistol-whipped by a hooker -- who hasn't? It's the 90s, after all! Wait, what? How long have I been out? Oh god. Oh my god. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 95

"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 70

Just got home from a ten day vacation, and I can't believe it only took a few minutes for me to get back into the same old your mom. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 63

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says to him, "Why the long face?" "My wife is cheating on me," says the horse. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 60

The Seventh Seal of the Apocalypse will be broken when my wife does not ask me to get her a drink just after returning from the kitchen. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59

We need to buy smaller glasses or weaker bourbon. Right, Hallucination-of-Abe-Lincoln-Eating-Corn? WHAT?! You think you're *BETTER* than me? @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 57

Oh, he'll yes. You hear me? HE WILL YES. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 54

Pull my groin while flossing once, shame on you. Pull my groin while flossing twice, okay, fuck, seriously, what am I doing wrong here? @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 53

Written on the back of the "All fetuses have potential" protest sign is "No more welfare state." Guess it all changes once they're out. Huh. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 52

Been trying to start a Windows 7 Party for 2 hours. It's saying I need more RAM, Celebration SP 2 Enterprise, and a new Designated Driver. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

Ahmadinejad is in New York for an important meeting. I'm guessing it's with Stacy and Clinton. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

This homemade Whack-A-Mole game I built was fun at first. But now I can't get the neighbor's cats to poke their heads up anymore. @FriedWords (Derek) – 50

Mm. The restroom key on a giant block of wood. Because this transaction needs more hands on organic matter. Maybe just chain it to a turd. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

You know, after the 6th request, I have to admit you're right. I *do* want to play Mafia Wars, middle school busmate. Maybe I always have. @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 48

I try to avoid flame retarding materials because fire is dangerous enough without being all retarded. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 46

I drive like I fuck: fast, alone, and in violation of multiple state and local laws. @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 46

I thought 7-11 had gone all out decorating for Halloween until the scarecrow leaning against the wall asked me for beer money. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 45

The dog burrowed under the covers all night. Now my bed smells like Fritos, a phrase I'll absolutely be putting in my Match.com profile. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 45

I had to hunker down and do some serious writing today. Which is why I made a working flute out of a carrot. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 105

Kanye West would be a TERRIBLE ninja. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 100

In Kanye's defense, I don't think Taylor Swift was being honest about the specifics of her health care plan. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 98

Somewhere a regretful US Border Patrol officer is daydreaming about the Juan that got away. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 76

Check it out! I'm texting while bicycli @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 75

At the Sears Portrait Studio, trying to decide between Police Lineup and Uncle McFeely's Rec Room. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 71

If the Kanye thing distracts us from health care any longer, Republicans are actually gonna have to say "thanks" to a black guy. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 68

Lady Gaga arrested for DUI last night after crashing her spaceship into Kanye West's ego. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 60

We need more solidarity in this country. Like in the 1970s when we all joined together to defeat Ring Around the Collar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Running later than a Palin daughter. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 55

Teaching my daughter about the birds and the bees. Specifically, that most bees will expect handjobs after the movie. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 54

"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 54

Kanye west is the biggest piece of shit on earth. Quote me. @Pink (P!nk) – 52

My awesome brain remembers Apu's last name. But without a list and calendar, it has no memory of what I'm doing today. Nahasapeemapetilon. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52

I think a really good speech would be one where a guy was talking about something important, and then he exploded and candy went everywhere. @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 51

Winch? I thought you said WENCH. Dammit, there's no way the tavern will take her back, knowing I mounted her on the bumper. @davegorum (dave.exe) – 50

"The motherfucker who bought this software should be forced to use it until his god damn brain melts." Inappropriate Work Emails, Vol. 14 @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 48

I took the vibrator from her purse, held it over my head and yelled "By the power of Grayskull!". The other Macy's shoppers were unprepared. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 46

Profoundly funny tweet #3978231677 (?) @smilinbjones (Unavailable) – 45

Dinner, movie tickets, chloroform -- this date is costing me a fortune! Hopefully I'll make a little back with whatever I find in her purse. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 91

You find a woman that loves beef jerky, you hold on to her. You hear me, boy? You hold on to her! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76

Look at the bright side. If they never find the baby, we can turn its room into that home arcade I was talking about. HER room. Whatever. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56

This salad could use a little more cookie dough. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56

In the shower this morning I was so tired I didn't even put my hair into the Ferris Bueller Shampoo Mohawk. (haha jk I always make a FBSM!) @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 55

I assured the new neighbors that even though it was a requirement of my parole, I was still eager to meet them and their children. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 53

Every time I'm called to a meeting at the last second and not told what it's for, I'm sure it's an intervention. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52

I'm not sure I'm using this vibrating toothbrush for its intended purpose. My teeth are really clean, though. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51

I think if babies were invisible, it would be even more awesome to watch breast feedings. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 51

Obama ended the Beer Summit by giving each man one trillion dollars. So problem solved. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

Profoundly funny tweet #2950271292 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 51

Having a full-time job sure cramps my drifter lifestyle. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

Profoundly funny tweet #3057869695 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50

I would complain to my waitress about the poor service and food, but I don't want to get kicked out of my own house. Again. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49

My other car is a Decepticon. Think about that before you cut me off again, motherfucker. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 49

Oh look! A flip phone! It's SOOOO CUTE! Look! Buttons! You're ADORABLE! [Patronizing air kisses.] @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

I wouldn't say I am a showoff about getting to work early, but I am clearly the John Hancock of the A.M. sign-in sheet. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 47

It took awhile but, I can finally take "dial rotary phone with penis" off my to-do list. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 47

I'm going to start calling 'drinking beer' 'healing racial injustice.' I, too, have a dream. This weekend, I'm going to end racism. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 47

Hey, don't get mad at me, lady. 52% of the people on this bus said it would be cool if I punched the other 48% and the driver upheld it. @biorhythmist (matt) – 95

The difference between Dick Cheney and a smallpox-infected blanket? The blanket feels remorse. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 93

Nobody wants to be the bearer of bad news, but I'd be the Bear of Bad News. RAWWWR I AM A BEAR. I DO BEAR THINGS. THERE IS GLOBAL WARMING. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 85

California's subtle genius is that gay men can still marry gay women. Total loophole. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 84

Profoundly funny tweet #1917856458 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 84

A man in my town robbed a convenience store wearing a Bud Light box over his head. We are a resourceful people. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76

Just once I want to see a Law & Order where an old happily married couple die peacefully in their sleep & all the detectives go out for pie. @tj (TJ Luoma) – 74

My girlfriend, on bacon: "Bacon is the new Kevin Bacon". Not sure what it means, but she's absolutely right. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 67

I read the headline "Prop 8 upheld" as "Your neighbors are entitled to inspect the genitals of the person you love." Huh. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 66

Paranoia ain't just one of the lesser-known rivers in Egypt. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 64

The irony of not being considered fully human by a state that might as well be "home of the breast implant" is delicious. Fuck you, CA. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 62

At least we've identified the last six Californians who have never seen how awesome it is when two chicks make out. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 60

Put diet motivator sign on fridge: "Stop snacking on beer." Wife took it down, fearing the cleaning lady would take it as an accusation @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

Why I hate family gatherings. Cousin: I work for Doctors Without Borders. What's new with you? Me: Last week, 3 of my poop jokes got Favrd. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 58

I often work harder doing pretend work at work than doing the actual work work at work. If I could only harness this pretend ambition. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 57

I don't think I've ever won a single game of Peekaboo. It is my Kobayashi Maru. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

It's so cute how my coworkers think I'm becoming more sociable when I'm really just looking for new material. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 56

A little follow-up research tells me the Nile is actually the ONLY river in Egypt. But I'm just not ready to accept that. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 56

It took me 5 minutes of struggling to remove a steak knife from a coconut. If I have any Pendragon ancestors, the bloodline is very thin. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 53

Golf is the art of expensive walking. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 55

They must have put Tabasco in the holy water or something, because MAN does that stuff burn my skin. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 51

If I were an OBGYN, my catch phrases would be "At your cervix!" and "Not guilty, Your Honor." @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 51

My personal religion on Easter states that I must eat a ridiculous amount of chocolate eggs. It is non-deNOMNOMNOMinational. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 51

We were out of milk, so I poured an energy drink in my coffee. When Jesus shows up, tell him I'm on the ceiling. KARATE FIGHTING SPIDERS! @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 46

For those concerned with my safety, I did not text while driving. I safely texted from the rest area where I purchased crack. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43

"The Brown Bunny" is the worst Easter movie ever. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 42

Today is like April Fool's day for Catholics. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 41

I'm right at that weird age where I'm too young to really enjoy John Denver and too weak to tear Walgreens to the ground without help. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 40

Didn't realise this top showed so much cleavage. But we're all made in God's image, right? Which means Jesus loves him some titties too. @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 38

Profoundly funny tweet #1500196815 (?) @MamitaMojita (Unavailable) – 36

Sorry, not the first time an American president bowed to a king. 1994. Bill Clinton. Burger King. Look it up. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 36

Wow. Zapping the PRAM just fixed a problem on my Mac. Also: Ross likes Rachel; America loves Gump; and that Dahmer guy sounds like bad news. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 33

I'm supposed to tithe 10% of my earnings so I gave 8 twitter stars, 5 tumblr faves & 1 misspelled YouTube comment asking if I'm a lesbian. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 33

I wonder if Tony Stark hits on anemic girls, because that pick up line writes itself. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 33

Profoundly funny tweet #1500895848 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 33

Being Favrd in real life is... sticky. #chsh @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 33

Someday I'll grow up and stop karate kicking things. But that day is not today, friends. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 33

It is only 6:12 but I'm as tipsy as if it were 6:57. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 31