That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 190

Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 162

The Iraqi shoe thrower had a shoe thrown at him today. Somewhere, George Bush is smiling. Because 'Curious George' is on. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 141

After we spend billions on security and good governance in Afghanistan, can we move there? You know, for the security and good governance? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 106

Any man who cuts in front of a woman wearing sweats buying tampons, a bottle of vodka, Midol, and double stuff Oreos Doesn't Want To Live @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 82

I'll make you a deal. I will stop expressing my disinterest in what you have to say if you stop talking to me. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Red condoms might help more than red fonts. The yellow ribbons didn't stop the killing. Or the green for Iran. Colors don't work. People do. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 69

When you wake up and a cat is kneading your bum, are you supposed to tip? Or is it a scam? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

In our Tempur-Pedic marriage, I am the bowling ball, and my wife is the glass of wine. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 68

I'm pretty sure Mensa hands out bumper stickers as a test. If you put it on your car, you fail. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 62

Why did the hipster cross the road? To tell the chicken that he totally crossed the road first. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 59

My abs are so firm, you could bounce a Quarter Pounder with Cheese off of them. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

I refuse to worry about wrinkles anymore. Besides, the botox I used on my scrotum burned and just made my balls look surprised all the time. @FriedWords (Derek) – 57

'Passive-aggressive' is just a way of saying you not only want to behave like an asshole, but you also want credit for being a saint. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 55

I suspect she'd make marginally more sense if she were named Lady Dada. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 55

I would tell my wife she makes a better door than a window, but I just saw her take a couple of Midol. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 55

I'm glad the ex-wife is raising our son vegan because sometimes I run out reasons for wanting to punch her in the face. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 54

Outfit by Victoria's Secret. Body by McDonald's. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 53

"Daddy, tell me about your first date with mommy." "Sure, son. We were at a bar... Hey, all you need to know is that it had a happy ending." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 53

Hate that part of a cold where you cough and it tastes like Glenn Beck's soul. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 129

I've started my Thanksgiving celebration a little early and am already on my third glass of gravy. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 105

My wife said she needed a little TLC, but I told her that band broke up like five years ago. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 92

Whenever I open Google Wave, all I get is an empty box with the words "New Wave." Then I think about Devo and Blondie. Google Wave is cool. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 92

If you see a hobo on the bus with a bottle of Maker's Mark today, be nice to him — he's probably just on my way to work. @biorhythmist (matt) – 89

You can’t spell "manslaughter" without "laughter". You also can’t spell "schadenfreude" without spell check. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 88

Profoundly funny tweet #6024261496 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 78

Obama better not bow to that turkey he pardons today. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 77

Pandas probably have black eyes because they're assholes. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 63

I think the best thing about having a mom with a new boyfriend everyday was all the balloons I'd find in her bedroom trash. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 63

Of course I'll use my time machine to end injustice. Right after I get General Lee behind the wheel of the General Lee. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61

I'm telling my family I'm not coming to Thanksgiving dinner because I'm anti-cruelty. Hell no, not to the turkey. To me. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 60

I slept with your mom and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. And chlamydia. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50

Too much- wait. I've said "too much". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Obama's president 10 months & we have a day called "Black" Friday? Next thing you know we'll have a whole MONTH celebrating Black history… @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 47

Although I’m not Jewish, I look forward to when I’m old enough to have a really nice set of Hasidic hair curls growing out of my ears. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 45

Judging by the way her cat hides from me, my ex-wife told it everything. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43

Alcohol is used to kill a lot of things. I hope you’re next. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #6061828341 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #5956996440 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 74

At work, I try to convince people to change foreign policy. At home, I can't even convince a 5-year-old that the salsa is truly "mild." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 71

A Turducken for cannibals. The Gooneyvito: Danny DeVito stuffed inside George Clooney stuffed inside John Goodman. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

I'd be much thinner if pizza didn't taste like self-esteem. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 62

No, I don't exercise. I'm in the Fitness Protection Program. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 58

She wasn't interested in a one night stand, which is perfect because he wasn't interested in standing. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

I keep a fake journal claiming I've done monumental stuff so if I ever have amnesia, I'm gonna think I'm AWESOME! @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 56

God. Country line dancing is so retarded. KICK! KICK! SCOOT! KICK! KICK! BEAT YOUR WIFE! KICK! KICK! VOTE REPUBLICAN! SCOOT! @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 56

"She's got a lot of moral fiber. I think she actually shits bibles." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 51

My hair: destroyer of drains, vacuums, relationships. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

The only pre-existing condition most Senators are familiar with is inherited wealth and privilege. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 50

NyQuil: The nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, how the hell did I end up on the bathroom floor hugging the ficus medicine. @TiffanyJMoore (Tiffany ) – 48

I trimmed one side, then the other, but it wasn't even so I kept going back and forth and now the cat just looks ridiculous. @biorhythmist (matt) – 47

Turns out my fashion sense swings wildly between 'crumpled professor', 'rustic indie rock' and 'anyway totally drunk'. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 43

Live strong enough to not have that fucking bracelet on your avatar picture. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 43

I've been falsely accused of 'Performing a Lewd and Lascivious Act with a Corn Dog'. I just pray the tests prove that it wasn't my mustard. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 41

Me: Time to sit on the potty! Boy: Ok! The poop is getting in his car and driving to my bum! @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 41

When acids and bases need to be separated, they put them in the Litmus Protection Program. #yesiamahugenerd @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 40

Hey baby we are both up early and the kids are away WINK WINK we can make it to the outlet mall just as it is opening! @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 40

What a lame bar. The drinks are weak and the women at are all "kind of busy" or "what is your problem" or "this is a pottery class, sir." @biorhythmist (matt) – 123

Taking my daughter to her first football game tomorrow. She's finally old enough to hold my hair back when I puke. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 93

Walking toward my car, saw a parking ticket. I passed an old lady who must think I just wander the streets saying "Oh, you motherfucker." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 93

Hello, hot guy in the gin aisle. I see you also like buying booze at 10:45 am. Why don't you come over & introduce your issues to my issues? @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 87

My 10 year old drives me to drink. No. Seriously. He's waiting out in the car. Only a crazy person would drink and drive. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 68

Well, I wasn't named after a college graduate with a job, I was named after alcohol, mom. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 65

The lady in front of me at the coffee shop is complaining so loudly Bill Murray showed up just to roll his eyes. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 63

I have a really bad headache so I want to kill everyone but sudden movements like blinking and breathing hurt so you're all safe. For now. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62

PURPLE SOAP SHOULD NOT SMELL LIKE FLOWERS! PURPLE SOAP SHOULD SMELL LIKE GRAPE, JUST LIKE GOD INTENDED! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60

I hate it when I drink so much that I lose all sense of erection. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

Research into cross-breeding humans and sheep is not going well. The test subjects are tired and listless. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

"always brush after every meal, sweetheart. oh, and call your mother." ...man, this Ouija board just isn't the same since grandma died. @theduty (duty) – 53

At a seventh grade girls basketball game. There must be a rule against dunking. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 52

RIPOFF ALERT: K-Mart charges the same amount for a frame whether you want the picture of Jaclyn Smith or not. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Heading to IKEA today to stock up for next year's garage sale. Undoubtedly. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51

Some men just can't take "yes-but-it's-complicated-I-have-some-issues" for an answer. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 50

None of their product can withstand even nominal stress and shock tests, and they refuse to give me a refund, so I'm suing the orphanage. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 48

I like my coffee how I like your mom. In the morning. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 47

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tea. @Remiel (Remiel) – 47

The Kindle app lets me read a book on my iPhone while listening to a book on my iPhone. I'm reading "Wuthering Mockingbird" or something. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 104

The best thing about babies is using the soft spot to hold your drink. Just push, twist, and you don't want me to babysit anymore, do you? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 96

I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 94

I'm so old and boring my safe word is STOP. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 91

Time flies when you're paying by the hour. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

I reached between her legs and whisked something out. I shrieked: "IS THIS YOUR CARD?" Lost my OB/GYN license but gained your mother! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 77

Scientist have successfully regrown rabbit penises. Offering men with erectile dysfunction hope that they, too, can have a rabbit penis. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 73

That Facebook notification should say "Joe Schmitt has been tagged in an old photo that he wishes had been lost forever." @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

That salad was so disgusting I had to eat an entire carton of ice cream just to get the taste out of my mouth. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 70

I don't have any specialized education or training in awkward hugging, but man oh man do I have a lot of field experience. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 61

My Captain Crunch got soggy, and it made me think of how fragile life really is. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 61

"What was our neighbor's name again?" "Uh, I don't remember." "What was his dog's name?" "Jack." @poeks (Poeks) – 58

If Dockers and a golf shirt are wrong, then I don't want to be right. Or fashionable. Or remotely attractive to the opposite sex. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

If you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’re really fucked if you run into anything face first. @Beef_Tongue (Canterbury's Tail) – 55

Profoundly funny tweet #5573641990 (?) @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 54

Wait a minute! This is November! That wasn't Santa! Although, to be honest, I did notice that his beard was fake when we were making out. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53

All three of my meals today were vegetarian. In other words, an entire day *wasted*. @Moltz (Moltz) – 49

After starting your fourth email with "I'm not neurotic or anything," you kind of have to accept your defeat. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49

Miss England has given up her crown after getting into a bar fight. I think this automatically makes her Miss Ireland. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 142

Canadian Kanye West: IMMA LET YOU FINISH! No. Really. Go on. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 138

OMG the plane's landing and the guy next to me has his tray table down! If you're reading this, it means I managed to climb over the body. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 102

Relaxing on a Friday night, drinking tea and eating air-popped popcorn, so if you were planning on emasculating me, HAHA YOU'RE TOO LATE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 78

'Dry spell' is a sad and boring euphemism. Try something more fun and creative like 'sexabattical' or 'fornivacation'. @biorhythmist (matt) – 78

When your only tool is chemistry, every problem looks like a solution. @biorhythmist (matt) – 73

Look: it's not journalism unless it's printed on costly paper you throw out one hour after some guy literally drives it to your door. Daily. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 68

My body wash leaves you covered in glitter. Apparently "youthful glow" means "moderately priced hooker". @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 65

Fun Fact: England doesn't have skyscrapers because our island is composed mostly of swampy, marshy clay. This is also why we don't have joy. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 60

Does it count as a slumber party if it's just you, your dog and a chronological list of every bad decision you ever made? @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 60

If you harnessed my raw sexual energy, I bet you could power an entire city block of Fisher-Price Little People. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 59

Planned a romantic evening at home with a nice bottle of wine. Not sure what my wife is doing though. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57

Great first date tonight! He asked all the deep questions: my date of birth, mother's maiden name, city I was born! Cross fingers, guys!! @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 54

Just read an article about edible shoes made out of bread and not one joke about them being loafers. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 54

The best thing about working in a think-tank is feeding time. We all swim to the top to eat the think food. But sometimes they miss a day. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 53

Now boarding Delta's 8:55 Shrieking Infant Express with continuing service to Anger, Resentment & Do-It-Yourself Hysterectomies. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 49

Bringing these sunglasses to Seattle showed the same kind of optimistic pointlessness as taking condoms to my senior prom. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 47

Which is funnier to observe in a park-like setting, hipsters or gangstas? TRICK QUESTION. The correct answer is goths. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 47

If sunglasses had never been invented, CSI: Miami would just be a documentary about David Caruso trying to act. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 46

Remember when Timothy McVeigh blew up Oklahoma City and 80% of the news was about him being a Christian? Yeah, me neither. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 159

Haven't figured out this hotel shower head. I just looked up while shampooing and waterboarded myself. I provided no useful intelligence. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 116

I think when you see how happy Daddy is on his new jet ski with his new chest hair you'll forget all about wanting to go to college. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 113

Look at the bright side of this unemployment report. The number of people hating their jobs is at a 26-year low. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 105

"Goddammit, you bitch! You never backed away from anything in your life! Now fight!" - Me. Just now. To my toilet. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 101

No, Punkin. It isn't candy. Daddy has to take a special medicine pill so he can be useful to Mommy. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 87

Working my fourth 12+ hour day in a row. On a positive note, I found some cookies in the trash can. I mean break room. Whatever. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 69

How was the walk? Good, except she got into it with the neighbor's dog then crapped in their yard. I think it's time to put Nana in a home. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62

I have a wild night planned to remove fuzz balls from my sweater vests and not get laid. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61

This library is great! Free WiFi, comfy chairs, complementary snacks. Little low on books, thoug- Wait. I think I'm in someone's house. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61

So there I was ordering a latte at Starbucks and hating mainstream music, when it occurred to me that I might be too white. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60

I dated the Pillsbury Dough Boy & all I got was this lousy yeast infection. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 58

Show me on this shark where CSI jumped you. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 56

Sorry, but when you named your dog 'Ninja' I just assumed you taught him how to catch arrows with his mouth. RIP Ninja. @FriedWords (Derek) – 54

Flying. My girlfriend is scared. Unfortunately she'll need to console herself back there since I only paid to upgrade myself to first class. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 52

Big Bird turns 40 next week. Just imagine how big his prostate is getting. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

I SWEAR! The powder on my face is actually cocaine. I didn't even see the box of donuts on your desk. Oh this? It's blood. Not jelly. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 50

Somewhere In Maine sits a Priest wringing his hands in joy of a political victory, just before he places them on the penis of a young boy. @Beef_Tongue (Canterbury's Tail) – 50

Wife: “I just coughed up the biggest loogie.” Needless to say, there’s now a trail of hastily torn off clothing leading to our bedroom. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 49

November always reminds me of Homecoming dances in high school. I think it's the No part. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

Drunk wife turned clocks back. Then I turned them back. Wife forgot and turned them back AGAIN. I'm now late for work last Friday. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 74

My sons said they are done trick or treating like this is some fuckin union job where the workers choose when they go home. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 64

Creationists apparently see nothing wrong with putting out a really buggy beta release, then failing to offer upgrades for 6,000 years. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

It's amazing how many parents dressed up as alcoholics this year. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 55

For 364 days out of the year, my boy's peanut allergy is a concern and inconvenience, but on Halloween, I get all of his Reeses' Cups. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53

Profoundly funny tweet #5337326310 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 52

I wonder how much peanut butter they went through on the set of "Sex in the City" to make it look like Sarah Jessica Parker was talking. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51

I set the clocks back last night and also the bathroom scale. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

I accidentally hit a bunch of kids dressed as zombies with my car. The second time was just to be safe. @DieLaughing (J. A Damn Monster) – 49

"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 49

"Winnie the Pooh." Neurotic animals impotently battle nature and their sense of self, not particularly assisted by a sweet homosexual boy. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

Profoundly funny tweet #5349228717 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 46

My costume required a red feather boa which sheds like you wouldn't believe. Everywhere I go looks like a muppet crime scene. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 45

Didn't buy candy this year, but those kids were so cute I couldn't resist opening the door. They'll know to break the Xanax in half, right? @sloganeerist (sataneerist) – 45

I'm enjoying this extra hour of not showering. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44

Ah, November 1st. The leaves are changing. The air is brisk. Wonder Woman is doing the walk of shame back to her '98 Ford Taurus. @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #5326100839 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 42

It's surprisingly complicated to feel proud of your kid whenever she needs you less. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 42