#gpappalardo

They are letting me take baby home now, obviously they don't follow me on Twitter. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 117

They're so cute when they're sleeping. I'll fix the gas leak later this afternoon maybe. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 109

Jim doesn't like it when I say we got married for health insurance, so I'm telling everyone we got married so we could finally have sex. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 108

I always flash an insufferably smug smile to Kindle Guy as I continue enjoying my book during our final descent. @gruber (John Gruber) – 87

Canadians *do* say "fuck". We just pronounce it "I'M SORRY". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 86

In today's performance, the role of Monday will be played by Keanu Reeves. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73

in my car, pondering how weird it is that I "drive" on a "parkway" & "masturbate" in your "driveway." also, you may wanna get some drapes. @theduty (duty) – 73

I really hate the person who writes the scripts for my inner monologue. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 64

I'm finally off oxygen and can't wait to go home so I can shop for some new fall hats! @LucyKateHopkins (Lucy Kate Hopkins) – 64

At my apartment, we play The Floor is Covered in Lava every day! Except the lava is laundry. And you can step on it. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 58

Exclusive: Are Fake Hypothetical Questions Just Easy Link Bait for Dumbasses? Find out "after the jump" » @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

History is written by those with administrator rights on Wikipedia. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 56

Not sure I buy Ahmadinejad's explanation that the second facility is for developing Stuffed Crust Pan Pizza technology. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Recent headlines featuring Roman Polanski and MacKenzie Phillips lead me to one conclusion: Britney Spears is behaving herself. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

The more I view her line of products, the more I question how "little" Debbie actually was. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 54

If you ever find yourself standing alone in the kitchen wondering if a grape will fit in your nose, it's time to get out of the house. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 53

Every time someone rolls their eyes and goes, "I want some of whatever YOU'RE on!" I wish I was on someone always punching them in the face. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53

I was having a pretty crappy day, then someone gave me swedish fish and now I am a little bit fatter and my teeth are going to rot out. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 52

Looking up Internet slang in my tehsaurus. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 52

Athena Bella Pappalardo is here. Don't know weight and all that yet, but she is beautiful and this is the best day ever. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 88

Me: "Knock-knock." Wife: "Who's there?" Me: "Voice-Throwing Cow." Wife: "Moo." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

Wide awake at 5 a.m. Fighting the urge to drive a garbage truck. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

Bono is actually palatable if you mute the TV and make fart sounds on your arm. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 63

These pancakes taste like crepe. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 56

"Porcini!" "Alimentary!" "Felchton!" "Ankara-Ottoman!" "Derailleur!" "Monocle Pete!" "Rim!" (SF parents summon their young) @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 53

Ugh. I was setting my camera on a top shelf while peering over my glasses and accidentally took 90 self-portraits. Taking FOREVER to upload. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

In Soviet Russia, shut up. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

At least 3x a day, I get a takeout coffee, and this same guy's almost always here too. Man clearly doesn't realize he has a problem. Sad. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 49

Iran just test-fired a short-range missile capable of carrying peaceful nuclear technology. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

I swear, girls take so long to get ready. She must be having a hard time finding something to wear for her appearance. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 45

What we've got here is a failure to fornicate. @blondediva11 (blondediva11) – 45

Deep down, I think most people are full of shit because deep down is where their intestines are. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 43

Watching football like a real man? HELL YEAH! Drinking beer? YEAP! Playing with Thomas the Train even though my son is in bed? YE...yeah. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 42

My girlfriend asked me politely not to talk about my Mom when I touch her breasts. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 42

Porno Proposal: Plot: Sexy young folk are zapped into another dimension where they meet, and have sex with, themselves. Title: Doppelbanger. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 41

I think I found a typo in the Book of Mormon. It's in the title. @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 41

Just taught my mom how to text. T9/autofill was a definite Helen-Keller-spelling-"water"-at-the-well-pump moment. @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 40

Do these announcers ever shut the fuck up? Don't ever say stuff just because you think you should. That's the definition of an asshole." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 40

10 minutes & 5 puppets later, I realize the flight attendants don't really want to know what they can do to make my flight more enjoyable. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 75

My girl hates it when I yell "vagina on a stick!", when she is on top. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 60

so let me get this straight. ...a sexual fruedian slip would be when you say one thing, but mean your mother. I mean ano- wait. SHIT. @theduty (duty) – 59

American ants seem so surprised when I apologize before squishing them. IT'S CALLED COMMON COURTESY. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Cuntsequences: The blowback after being a spectacular bitch. @ChiNurse (ChiNurse) – 54

Although it would mean we wouldn't go see the in-laws, I really hope my kids don't have strep. I think this shows real emotional maturity. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

A day off of work to honor _workers_? What is this, the 20th century? I know Socialism when I see it. Get back to work there, Trotsky. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 50

Some guy in a Ford Fiesta just cruised down the street blaring "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman, leaving a cloud of irony behind him. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 49

In defense of the people complaining about Obama's pro-education message, threatening ignorance is threatening their way of life. @Moltz (Moltz) – 44

Man behind me at the bookstore is reading aloud to himself. I think it's a Western, because he keeps saying "RIDE 'EM!" His breath is hot. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44

Gold has risen to almost $1,000 an ounce. Think of the strain this must be putting on the average rap star household. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43

About to give the Friday night keynote address at Lame-Con. If you need me, I'll be talking to myself in the mirror. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42

The Heathrow airport bathrooms are AMAZING. Evidently, they call them "Delta Airlines Courtesy Lounges" here. Anyway I've been arrested. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 41

iPhone OS remains completely secure against Flash vulnerabilities. @gruber (John Gruber) – 41

Does this 'lying fully-clothed on a freezing, windswept, pebbly beach, drinking tea out of a thermos' make me look English? @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 41

Does it count as desecrating the body if you spew water over the casket when your niece asks "Why is that girl sleeping?" @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 38

Are sounds tennis players make informed by lesbian porn or is lesbian porn informed by sounds tennis players make? Only Martina knows. @poeks (Poeks) – 37

Me: "Haha! You say 'sizzle' like it's a transitive verb!" Her: "Hahaha, I say 'nerd' like you are one." @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 37

GPS tracking lets me leave a dotted line everywhere I go, just like Jeffy in "Family Circus." BRB gotta go climb this fence and chase a dog. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 36

Remember the vow you took on our wedding day? Then PUT ON THE GODDAMN CHEWBACCA COSTUME. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 130

Cashier: "Total is $14.92." Me: "Ha, like Columbus." C: "Nice one, Seinfeld." M: "Ha, like the comedian." C: "..." M: "Ha, like a mime." @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 78

ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NOT NICK JONAS. Sorry, you want to do *what* to him? ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NICK JONAS. @nick (Nick Douglas) – 63

My girl said if I wanted anal I'd have better luck with her mom, I don't know if I should text or call. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 62

Stop giving away hurricane naming rights for free. There. Health care reform paid in full. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

This guy's looking at me funny. Status check: Booger? Nope. Open fly? Nope. Dorsal fin? Nope. All good. "What the fuck you looking at?" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

Too many hassles today. If a bright light presents itself, I'm moving towards it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

Sir, I knew Astro Boy. Astro Boy was a friend of mine. Astro Boy could pull off that haircut. Sir, you are no Astro Boy. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

If this is Supertramp, I'd hate to hear what Averagetramp sounds like. @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 53

Steven Johnson, Malcolm Gladwell, and Steven Levitt go into a bar. Guy goes, "Whaddaya like?" and they go, "The opposite of what you think." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

I want to live to see great-grandchildren. But instead of taking care of myself, I'll just push my kids to get married at 9. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

Profoundly funny tweet #3438530970 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50

I've done my daily pushups and crunches every day this week except for the ones not named Tuesday, and I didn't do the pushups. Still sore. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 49

Spilled chocolate milk? Damn right I'm crying. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

Never wear a company shirt to a gunfight. Especially if you work at Target. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 47

"So if I put in 6 bullets and shoot 3 guys, I have 3 bullets left." Some parents would be bothered but we just figure he's learning math. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 47

Where is your god now, roast beef sandwich? @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 46

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% adding the words poop, fart or burrito to the tweet. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 45

Things you don't want to hear after a haircut: "That took balls." @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45

Bandslam proves that a movie can be hip and fun without being crude and suggestive. Those other movies can suck my dick. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 90

There are no Canadian sluts. They're just too polite to say no. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 86

One of the challenges of being a girl is how much harder it is to write your name in the snow. @damselesque (Beth) – 62

Cruising Wal-Mart taking pictures for my upcoming coffee table photo book titled: "Stay In School" @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 54

The awesome thing about an empty bag of Doritos is how you can fill it with your empty bottles and cans, but still have room for your tears. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 54

WRITE YOUR SENATOR AND SAY NO TO WEREWOLF DEATH PANELS. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 53

Speaking on health care today, Obama said "there is no perfect painless silver bullet." And that's how the Werewolf Death Panels started. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 52

Ladies, if you want to ensure a man looks at your naked body, say these words: "Don't look at my naked body!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

They had a full medical tent at that Woodstock anniversary concert. Lots of freakouts from the bad brown Pepcid that was going around. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43

OH: "UNCLE MATT ARE YOU UP YET CAN I PLAY THAT GAME ON YOUR IPHONE DO YOU HAVE TO GO PEE-PEE WHEN ARE WE HAVING WAFFLES" @biorhythmist (matt) – 42

Fingerpainting time. I'm gonna rock out with my smock out. @yhf (Jim Something) – 41

Madonna turned 51 today. Her staff pitched in and surprised her with more bicep sinews, so that's nice. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40

I just saw my pillow without a case on it. This reminds me of that horrific time I saw my mom naked. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 40

I'm eating this cake like there's a child trapped inside. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 39

OH: "I love both my children equally — as much as you can equally love one perfect child and one little jerkwad." @biorhythmist (matt) – 37

Now's a good time to get all those abortions I've been meaning to have while all the nut jobs leave Planned Parenthood to picket town halls. @kellydeal (kellydeal) – 36

Profoundly funny tweet #3337379586 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 36

Does this tweet make me look anti-climactic? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 36

I have a hard time respecting people who take longer then 30 seconds to eat a Krispy Kreme doughnut. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 35