#mrbigfists

If they really want to end the war in Afghanistan, they should put it on Friday nights on Fox. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 164

And that's why you don't go shopping at the pet store while hungry. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 153

I'm playing poker with the kids. Not strip poker. That would be inappropriate. I know better than that. "WOO! FULL HOUSE. DRINK UP BITCHES!" @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Wow! I don't think I've ever unleashed so much diarrhea all at once. You must be impressed. I know I am. This massage is over, isn't it? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 66

When a friend from out of town says, "I'm coming out." Make sure they're finished with their sentence before you say, "I knew you were gay." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 64

If you really — truly — embrace the meaning of eternity, you'll accept that Orville Redenbacher and Col. Sanders will eventually french. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 62

If I see one more commercial featuring a Lexus with a gigantic bow on it, I swear I'm gonna throw this caviar dish at my 96" TV. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 60

What I just did in that bathroom was so tragic that when I walked out, a Native American turned his head as a tear rolled down his cheek. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58

Two more speedbumps on our street. Now we're finally safe from terrorists. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57

It's a good thing I covered the baby in Bubble Wrap, because man those stairs were steep! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57

... bet if I was Wolverine you wouldn't have forgotten my McGriddle... @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

The neat thing about dissecting clowns is you can get so many of them in the trunk when it comes time to dispose of the bodies. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53

I'M DRUNK BITCHES TIME TO CODE @atebits (atebits) – 52

It's the strangest thing! I bought my wife the new iPhone, and now my penis seems smaller. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 52

"Whipped Spread," the little package reads, a comma away from being the most disturbing sentence ever. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 52

Hi. Date. Again. Amazing. Again. Love you. Again. Move in. More. Marry me. Happy. Good. OK. Less. Lost. Lost you. Lost us. No more. Goodbye. @biorhythmist (matt) – 51

Jim browses hand-held shower heads. "We should get one. I probably won't love you forever." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

I had my doubts that every clown has a silver lining & it turns out they're lined with muscle & tissue just like everyone else. Mimes too. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 47

I opened the door & told the kids "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here." Then I took pictures for milk cartons, just in case. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 44

How the fuck would I know? Do I look like the woodchuck's fucking project manager? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 178

It never ceases to amaze me how generous strangers can be this time of year when you show them a knife. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 148

When I die, I want my body donated to political science. That department won't know what to do with it. Hilarious. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 110

I put the redundant in "redundant". Which is why I spell it "redunredundantdant". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 107

My youngest asked if he was my favorite. It's like he forgot we even had a dog. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 103

Got my Christmas shopping done early! It's easy when the only thing the kids ask for is one moment of respite from all my goddamn bullshit. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 96

Hey clouds -- why so cirrus? @aedison (Avery Edison) – 84

The fact that I just stained my running shoes with Hershey syrup should tell you everything you need to know about my current fitness level. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 84

I hate how the iPhone auto-corrects "fuck that" to "yes, dear". @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 81

Sometimes I eat a lot of cheese, and other times I eat a lot of cheese but don't tell you because it's my secret cheese eating time. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 80

A "homonym" is a nym attracted to nyms of the same gender. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 76

Based on my profile, this dating website has determined that my best match would be a vibrator. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 70

"I'm not good with words," Tom said, not good with wordsly. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68

Took a drug test today. I was surprised they gave out free beer. It was a little warm and tasted like Budweiser but I wasn't complaining. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 65

I just returned from my son's holiday concert and one thing is painfully clear. There are far too many 'Days of Christmas'. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62

I'm worried cuz a coworker has incriminating nude photos of me. She's threatened to use them against me if I don't stop sending them to her. @FriedWords (Derek) – 61

My little mnemonic memory tricks might seem silly, but I've never once forgotten my wife's name. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

He who lives by the sword, um... Okay, this is embarrassing. I kind of got distracted thinking about swords. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55

Don't think of me as a backseat driver, but as your car cohost. Full of witicisms such as, "You almost hit that guy" and "Left. LEFT. LEFT!" @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 53

Life will be less complicated once my cat learns how to tie his own bow ties. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

Clearly, there's no excuse for my behavior, so I'm drinking until I have one. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 94

I discovered the best way to untangle Christmas lights is with scissors. I now have to buy new ones but you can't put a price on my sanity. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 89

Hipsters don't fart. They just make fart noises with their mouth and then smirk. It smells like wasted potential. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76

Step 1: Put on corduroy shorts. Step 2: Go to gym. Step 3: Get on treadmill. Step 4: Run. Step 5: Laugh and laugh and laugh. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

The state flower of Ohio is ranch dressing. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 62

A 17th level paladin with -10 armor class and +5 holy avenger, who always rolls a 20 on saving throws, still has 0% chance of getting laid. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 59

Yo mama so fat she trampled several shoppers at Amazon.com. @giromide (Pantse Macabre) – 57

If I was a blues musician, all my songs would be about how much I hate the blues. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 55

I'm at Dick's Sporting Goods. Their Black Friday Sale was so HUGE and long that people are still coming. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 54

I'll know the terrorists have won when they can stand down a herd of my relatives asking them why they're not married yet. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 54

My other car is a couch. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

Cocka doodle doo and gobble gobble sound dirty, but not particularly sexy. Fowl language is not meant for everyone. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 48

I put the "taco" in "catacombs." Yeah, didn't make much sense to me either. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

Anal bleaching isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’ve been sitting in a tub of Clorox for two hours and it’s really starting to burn my ass. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 44

Some women tire quickly when they give hand jobs with their weaker hands. Now, your Mom on the other hand... @MODAT (Modat) – 42

Tiger's wife may be able to beat him on a Friday, but never on a Sunday. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41

This just in: Women mugged in Castro district of San Francisco. Two guys held her down and third one did her hair. @blankslate (Alex) – 41

Outlook for tomorrow: Depressimistic. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 40

An optimist in Hell: "Things can only get better! AHHHH! OH NO! OH GOD! At least I don't have to wear a tie! AHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

As an avid indoorsman, real Christmas trees kind of freak me out. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

I wouldn't shop today if they were selling magic penises that came coffee and peed rainbows. I would probably try to order it online though. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 55

My favorite thing about Thanksgiving is focusing on family... Hold on. GET THE GRAVY YOURSELF GRAMMA! I'M BUSY! Sorry. What was I saying? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

I was told we were having a roast for dinner. After an hour of telling dead hooker jokes about grandpa, I found out we're eating pork loin. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 54

If you can't say anything nice, you must be eating at this table. @biorhythmist (matt) – 51

Me: "How are you liking Disney on Ice so far, Wallet?" Wallet: "Go fuck yourself" @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 50

Profoundly funny tweet #6097180015 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 48

Me: That white-bearded short guy has been tapping a perfect beat the entire train ride. Wife: Yup. He's a Metro Gnome. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46

Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 45

I'm bringing sexy back right after I take a nap. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44

She asked. I said 'yes'. (http://bit.ly/isaidyes) @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 42

Her snore is adorable, despite it being a painful reminder of the sex I'm not getting. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 39

I picked up a flash light, ski mask and bolt cutters at Target today. Can't wait until tonight to take advantage of the real bargain deals. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 38

MY PIEHOLE IS APTLY-NAMED @biorhythmist (matt) – 38

First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 36

I have tons of friends, until I need help painting. Then they're all like, "Uh, we're stuffed animals." Jerks. @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 36

Profoundly funny tweet #6096762128 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 36

I could use a tapeworm right about now. @SusAnimate (SusAnimated) – 35

When are they going to replace the five-day work week with the thirty-second montage set to some bitchin' guitar licks? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102

I have a couple of bones to pick with you. #1: you never greet me at the door naked anymore. "I never did that." Which brings us to bone #2. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 81

I don't see how Helen Keller jokes are funny. I don't hear how they're funny, either. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 78

The way the bartender is watering down my drinks is really dampening my spirits. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 76

WOO-HOO! MY WIFE'S DRUNK! I GET TO WATCH WHATEVER I WANT ON TV! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72

I have the complete works of Shakespeare on my iPhone so I can ignore it wherever I go. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

Well, the Mayans were close-- Oprah goes off the air in 2011. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

Am I taking crazy pills, or is signing an email mostly reduntant? Take care, Adam @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 66

Embellished Tanks are on sale at Old Navy, but they don't tell you it's clothing until you get there. Lame-o. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

Son, I considered being on time for your first grade Thanksgiving play, but then what would you have written sad poems about in 10 years? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

I've gone from the "Beaver Motel" to the Oklahoma City Sheraton - where the towels are so thick and fluffy I can barely close my suitcase. @blankslate (Alex) – 58

I don’t let my wife come to my office. I wouldn’t want her to see me being somewhat competent & start expecting that shit at home. @cpinck (Chris Pinckney) – 57

"How do I look?" Compared to what? Next to Amy Winehouse, you're smokin' hot. Next to Angelina Jolie, I'm sure you have a nice personality. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

Remember when Gandalf quit his talk show but then came back stronger, riding a horse named Stedman? I'm just saying history repeats itself. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 57

At a wine tasting. Haha more like wine "gulping" the way I'm doing it. No YOU'RE pathetic shutup do they have beer here play VAN HALEN WHOO @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 56

If I was a kid right now, my wife would be in a lot of trouble. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

The time has come to bottle up this anti-consumerism sentiment and sell it back to hipsters as an expensive perfume. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

Never fails I take my pants off get comfortable on the couch & SOMEONE at Sears has to be all "I'm going to ask you nicely to please leave" @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 53

I really hate it when someone tells me to go fuck myself. It’s embarrassing to buy the heels and dildos. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 53

Know what's more boring than watching people play Rock Band? Watching people who are watching people play Rock Band. Kill me. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64

Hallmark needs to make a 'Sorry I put it in the wrong hole' card. @sarkastickunt (ms. diagnosed) – 59

The problem with marriage counseling is that it isn't specific to my wife's shortcomings. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59

Many know the story of Peter the Pumpkin Eater but few have heard the sad tale of his sexually deviant brother, Walter the Melon Baller. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 53

That cauldron of Halloween candy has been undressing me with its eyes from across the room all night. Come here you. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 52

Turns out Jim's Dance of Love is mostly just him dry humping me while I wear a dour expression and wash dishes. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 50

My wrestling name would be "City Hall." Because you can't fight city hall. And also because all the other good names are kinda taken. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 45

Going costume shopping for the kids because they vetoed my suggestion that they go as grubby, sticky fingered, little life ruiners. @sarkastickunt (ms. diagnosed) – 45

I'm celebrating Mother-in-law Day by judging you and not shaving my upper lip. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44

Discovering condoms have expiration dates was disappointing on multiple levels. @donchiefnerd (Don Henry) – 42

The term "football widow" is inaccurate because if I was dead, I wouldn't be asking to be brought a beer! HAHA, just kidding honey. Honey? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 42

When @sween follows someone who follows someone ... who follows someone who follows you. Six degrees of Canadian Bacon. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 41

You show me someone who believes capitalism will fail & I'll show you someone who has never seen a leopard print Snuggie commercial. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 40

We got a cat for the Twitter material but this one's not funny, so we're having it put to sleep. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 38

Accidentally stumbled upon the doll-parts aisle at the craft store; I've never felt so relieved to not be high. @antichrista (Karate Khrista) – 37

God created Man in His own image so He could watch Himself masturbate. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 36

My favorite thing about camping is getting my wife to admit that she poops. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 35

Checking into a room at HoJo’s with your Mom. ‘Cause damn it, YOU NEVER LEAVE! @navanax (50% More Slime) – 35

My girlfriend claims to be Italian but I'm skeptical since every time I say fellatio, she just gives me confused look. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 34