#scottsimpson

Whoa more numbers lol, although I answered most of these already, so I’ll just sorta summarize them :3

20. Favourite video games?

I like rpgs the most, you name it and I probably like it lol

21. What am I most afraid of?

Hmm.. probably worrying a lot over things I shouldn’t, like being annoying to people/friends, and other similar things.. 

Other then that I’m not overly fond of insects lol..

27. Am I in a relationship?

As of this current moment in time.. no ^^;

30. Eye colour?

Brown, and(supposedly) with a bit a green

31. Hair colour?

Brown again :3

47. Favourite animal?

Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct! @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 96

I had this really kinky boyfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 83

Once again, it appears I've prematurely donned my gay apparel. @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 82

Black Friday shopping? No thank you. If I wanted to hang out with that many assholes, I'd join the Republican Party. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 71

My wife doesn't seem to care for my euphemisms. Seriously, what's so wrong about asking if I can blow insulation behind her dry wall? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a "flavor-saver" so I made a your mom joke and that's how grandma got the ambulance ride. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55

Damn. Waterproof mascara is harder to get off than your mom. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Our nation is under siege by aspiring reality TV stars. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

I have so much respect for parents who don't drink. @gruber (John Gruber) – 49

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

If a female firefighter loses her job because she won't put out, it's not necessarily sexual discrimination. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48

Getting my hair cut. Bitch had it coming. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Men used to just try to get laid all the time. Now they want stars and a #FF...when they're not funny I'd almost rather give them the sex. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 47

I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING! @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 46

Apple pie for breakfast, pumpkin pie for lunch, pecan pie for dinner. PIE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44

Profoundly funny tweet #6126752079 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 44

"Don't worry — I'll remember." - Me, just before forgetting... something. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

My wife is somehow resistant to my bedroom mating dance. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42

Lucy's surgery was successful and she's resting. She now has a port on her stomach that you can blow into to play jug band music. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 87

It's not that I have to buy tampons. It's that I have to search for a specific level of flow control. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 84

I remembered the milk and bread, but I completely forgot to do something with my life. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 83

I've spent the whole day checking items off my task list. In retrospect, I probably should have used that time to complete tasks. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 82

Your dire warning of "Everything will change now that you're married" says far more about your relationship than it ever could about mine @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73

I'm starting a band that only plays polka songs about Nostradamus's predictions. We'll call ourselves Accordion to Prophecy. @tehawesome (Henry Birdseye) – 69

Sorry, but you wouldn't have slammed your face into the dashboard if you had studied physics, and if you weren't a cat. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 68

It's as if Americans have forgotten that today is 9/11. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 68

For the record, today is the anniversary of our first date, not of when we got married. I don't know when that is. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67

Depending on the situation, fanny packs are probably pretty useful DAMN YOU CARGO PANTS YOU ARE A GATEWAY DRUG. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 66

I can't tell if this commercial is for the Army or deoderant. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 64

I wonder how much smaller Glenn Beck would get if someone rubbed him all over with Preparation H. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 62

I clutch the live grenade in my sweaty, shaky hand. The meeting ends 57 minutes early! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 62

If there's a better way to commemorate the Berlin Wall falling than by letting my pants fall down on the bus, I'm all ears. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Can't a guy read his favorite Nabokov novel out by the playground without getting a bunch of dirty looks? Sheesh. @biorhythmist (matt) – 56

-Honey, did you come? -Yeah, like ten times! Sargasm @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 56

"Grifting for Dummies" is expensive. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

You know how I know you're gay? You watch The View with your pants on. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 55

Apparently, my super-power is holding onto the best woman in the world. Happy fourteen years, @damselesque! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

5-year-old, waving crayon at me: "I'm coloring you." Me: "Funny, I don't _look_ colored." Oh, hi, fellow restaurant patrons. Nice glares. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 98

Saturday was named after the Roman god Saturn, the god of errands. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 97

On the phone with Mom. Her phone starts beeping, like it's dialing. Mom panics, yells "The TiVo needs to use the phone!" and hangs up on me. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 85

They've got a mall kiosk for everything these days. I just got my prostate checked. For $50. Outside the mall. Inside a van marked "Kiosk." @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 69

Today is United Nations Day, where you're free to ignore any or all of your resolutions. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

I've decided to go out naked for Halloween & tell everybody that my costume is in Braille. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 62

The remote control stopped working and the television is stuck on Lifetime and I never knew it would end like this. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61

Bathroom sign asked, "Did you wash them?" Seemed personal, but I hadn't, so I did. Climbing up on that sink to do it wasn't easy, either. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 57

Lucy is really fussy. I haven't seen a baby cry this much since Kanye West didn't win something. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56

This early bed time is brought to you by the word "Tylenol" the letters "P" and "M" and the number "handful". @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 53

My kids' new favorite Fall game is raking leaves, loading them into a wagon, then dumping them onto my neighbor's lawn. I love them so much. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Quicksilver knows I mean "System Preferences" when I type "Control Panel." Because we're an insane elderly couple that still holds hands. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50

My son says I should stop making up stories about having children. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 48

There's no wrong way to eat a Bugles. Except wide end first, which means you're a sociopath. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 44

Washington doesn't care about tonight's ballgame. We get to watch millionaire serial adulterers underachieve anytime Congress is in session. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43

Lawrence Of A Labia #oneletteroffmovies @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 42

Three Men End a Baby #oneletteroffmovies @SarahKSilverman (Sarah Silverman) – 41

I'm stretching to prepare for all of the sex I anticipate not having tonight. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 40

Shazam Shame (n): The emotion felt when using the music identification service to discover that you're listening to Miley Cyrus. @rands (rands) – 38

Low-pressure showers are like bad sex. It's fine. You get used to it. And then one day you experience the alternative and OH! OH OH! OH GOD! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 120

"Capitalism is evil," says Michael Moore's new film. Tickets are $10. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 75

I love the church down the street that plays a recording of bells at 9:04. Our Lady of Perpetual Mediocrity really packs them in. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 72

My son is 1/32 Cherokee. He uses every part of the hot fudge sundae. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 59

Glenn Beck calling Van Jones an extremist is less 'pot calling the kettle black' and more 'black hole telling the vacuum cleaner it sucks'. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 53

I've eaten fast food solid for the past three weeks and my god I have never felt so alive. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 50

Wordpress security flaw? People, please! I've been using it for years and haven'tHOT LESBIAN DILDO LOVERS DO IT ALL XXXhad a single problem. @Moltz (Moltz) – 49

Red Lobster is promoting Endless Shrimp. That sounds like a pretty serious time commitment. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46

Did you know open casket is not, at all, like open bar? They made me put the dead guy's watch back. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 43

AMERICAN MEATLOAF TASTES LIKE FREEDOM. AND MEAT. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 42

Marshmallows look like sad polar bears when you throw them up. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 40

"Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 40

A dog makes an excellent alarm system. Particularly against such dire threats as rain on the window in the middle of the night. @Moltz (Moltz) – 38

If you ignore the murder talk, most dogs are delightful. My neighbor's dog just taught me how to operate a ham radio. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 38

Today is the first day of the rest of my laundry. @donchiefnerd (Don Henry) – 37

A five-year-old head-butted me in the testicles on the F train, then stared me down until I looked away. New York, I've missed you. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 36

Drunk women sure talk a lot before they cry. @AinsleyofAttack (Ainsley Drew) – 36

Today I saw someone from high school. In other news, I broke the world record for sprinting! It was awesome. @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 34

Getting ready to attend my grandmother's ninetieth birthday party. 11 a.m. to question mark, bitches. @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 33

(12.2 minutes) Not enough of you have listened to this, as I am maybe half of the current playcount, but you should: I know I have said this about Scott's little stories before, but they are kind of the greatest.  This one is less little, but not in a way where the greatness is diluted.

It is probably at least on par with David Foster Wallace's "The Boy"--which I love and still listen to about once a month--if not a little better because of sort of being reminiscent of High School Hypnosis*; which I also love as someone who was also on the school assembly circuit as a traveling, singing, educational puppeteer. 

And would it kill today's rap artist to put on some colorful pants? Some of us really liked the colorful pants. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 70

I bet if moths could talk they'd still be really creepy. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?" @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 68

It took an irate assistant manager with a trunkload of 400 cold burritos, but now I'm convinced that new Chipotle iPhone app is not a game. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 67

Obama is going to address the nation's schoolchildren? One good fart joke and the Democrats control Congress for 60 years. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

There's something to be said about unlocked hospital medication carts, but I don't have time for that now because WHEEE!!! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 65

Hate the little changes my wife makes when using my car. My nav system just asked if I was really going to wear this shirt with these pants. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 61

I like my men like I like my Nintendo cartridges: a little blow job will fix most problems. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 59

In sum: I mention that my ass got grabbed, and 10,000 developers I love pull out a white earbud and yell, "But, what were you WEARING?" @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

The thing about angrily flipping off that asshole driver is that the only people who use this road are my coworkers. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 56

Coming home to see my family made pie, but ate all of it, is like coming home to a bunch of people that are dead to me. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 55

Three-year-old niece interrupted my cooking with a phone call to tell me about the moon. I let dinner burn. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54

Forgetting my wallet- that's my problem. Forgetting my deodorant- that's the world's problem. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53

He said he liked ranch dressing. So I put on a cowboy hat, vest, and skirt. Apparently he doesn't like it as much as he thought he did. @JeeNeeBee (Jeannie B) – 53

Some arguments can be settled with logic, reason, and mutual respect. Other times it's just easier to buy a shovel, a tarp, and some lime. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 52

I'm so happy to be in London, the most perfect city in the worl- IS THAT A STAND-ALONE CROCS STORE? I WILL BURN THIS CITY TO THE GROUND. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 52

All this Snow Leopard backlash almost makes me glad I don't have a Mac anymore. ...Vista says he only beats me because he loves me. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 51

Oh my God. How do you people argue about software all the time? It's like being locked in a hobby shop full of men with no hobbies. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

I put the 'anus' in 'I began using your toothbrush inappropriately'. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 47