#lukeinvan

Stop being so paranoid. No one's out to get you. You're not that important. Here. I'll show you. We'll all show you. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 118

By my count, Jim Carrey only has one more iconic Christmas role to ruin. Two, if you include baby Jesus. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 117

"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 110

Spending $100M to get elected mayor of NYC is ridiculous when you can buy a death ray and run the entire world. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 89

My wife packed me soy-cheese vegetarian lasagna for lunch today so tonight, while she is at work, I am packing her belongings. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 85

"Son, it doesn't take a fucking genius to make up bullshit people agree with, add 'fuck', then slap on an old-man icon." ~ Dad, saying shit @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 82

Do not use "Whoomp! There it is!" unless it actually is there. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 75

Maybe we've been going about this all wrong. Maybe we should put straight marriage on a referendum and see what happens. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 74

Maine continues to take drastic steps to deny its same-sex feelings for New Hampshire. Shh, shh, Maine. Just let it happen. @katefeetie (one katie please) – 73

Look at you. Asking me if I did something you told me to do. With your voice. That's adorable. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

Maybe it's the cold medicine talking but I think the cold medicine is talking. @biorhythmist (matt) – 62

Profoundly funny tweet #5407814587 (?) @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 61

Maine bookstores are sold out of "Voting for Dummies". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Failure stings a little more when you're wearing a Skype headset. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

Ended up having a pretty successful night alone with the kids, thanks to my good friends "Pixar" and "screaming." @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 54

I just flew in from Maine, and boy is my marriage threatened by the gays. @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 54

I desperately need stained t-shirts to become a trend, or I need a whole new wardrobe. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 54

I think the Nazis would really have enjoyed Twitter's list feature. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 52

Elevator opens. A woman appears. STRUT-STRUT-PIVOT! PRESS THE BUTTON! PIVOT! LOOK LEFT! LOOK RIGHT! ASTHMA INHALER... PUFF! Workin' it. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

November always reminds me of Homecoming dances in high school. I think it's the No part. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

Drunk wife turned clocks back. Then I turned them back. Wife forgot and turned them back AGAIN. I'm now late for work last Friday. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 74

My sons said they are done trick or treating like this is some fuckin union job where the workers choose when they go home. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 64

Creationists apparently see nothing wrong with putting out a really buggy beta release, then failing to offer upgrades for 6,000 years. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

It's amazing how many parents dressed up as alcoholics this year. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 55

For 364 days out of the year, my boy's peanut allergy is a concern and inconvenience, but on Halloween, I get all of his Reeses' Cups. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 53

Profoundly funny tweet #5337326310 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 52

I wonder how much peanut butter they went through on the set of "Sex in the City" to make it look like Sarah Jessica Parker was talking. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51

I set the clocks back last night and also the bathroom scale. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

I accidentally hit a bunch of kids dressed as zombies with my car. The second time was just to be safe. @DieLaughing (J. A Damn Monster) – 49

"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 49

"Winnie the Pooh." Neurotic animals impotently battle nature and their sense of self, not particularly assisted by a sweet homosexual boy. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 48

Profoundly funny tweet #5349228717 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 46

My costume required a red feather boa which sheds like you wouldn't believe. Everywhere I go looks like a muppet crime scene. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 45

Didn't buy candy this year, but those kids were so cute I couldn't resist opening the door. They'll know to break the Xanax in half, right? @sloganeerist (sataneerist) – 45

I'm enjoying this extra hour of not showering. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44

Ah, November 1st. The leaves are changing. The air is brisk. Wonder Woman is doing the walk of shame back to her '98 Ford Taurus. @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #5326100839 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 42

It's surprisingly complicated to feel proud of your kid whenever she needs you less. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 42

Sometimes you just need to spend a quiet evening at home watching videos of people getting tasered. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67

I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 60

"Your father's motherboard died." "Oh my god, my grandmotherboard is dead!" @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 59

I started to explain entropy, but then, you know, whatevs. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

"Hand me the noodles or the kid gets it!" "Sir, that's a napkin dispenser." "... a napkin dispenser you love like a child?" "No." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Hot chick sitting next to me at bar. At what point do I tell her "Sorry, I'm married"? I don't want to interrupt her having no clue I'm here @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 52

I tried to groom my chest hair, but somehow shaved it into a lightning bolt. And thus the worst superhero ever is born. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

I have eliminated all of my life goals and replaced them with "Buy a cat. Name it Meow Ze Dong." @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 49

I like my men like I like my bras. Supportive and the last thing to get off. @crustyjuggler72 (Unavailable) – 44

Going to my 6yo nephew's birthday party. Is one bottle of Patron enough for him and ten of his friends? @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 44

Wife: "I... may have parked on the lawn." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 42

She was standing next to me with crutches and a broken foot. I felt really bad for her, but only because she had an old 1st generation iPod. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 39

I dreamt Elisabeth Shue died. Now, I'll spend all weekend waiting for the other Shue to drop. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 38

I wanted to be the voice of reason, but settled for being the murmur of excuse. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 37

Hi everyone! My flight's delayed and I'm eating a sandwich! This shit is a motherfucking Twitter gold mine! @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 37

The baby is 100% of the reason we buy graham crackers, but only about 5% of the reason we run out. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 37

Some guy just walked by me talking on his bluetooth, I tripped him. Then I told him, "see how dangerous that is?" @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 37

I went so deep with that Q-tip, I think it erased all memory of the 1980's. And with that, all my depression and angst have disappeared. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 34

IT HAPPENS, YOU HAVE THE SHAKES SO BAD YOUR PINKY NAIL CANT SEEM TO FIND YOUR NOSTRIL. HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE COKE HAND STABALIZER. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 34

How do crickets know if a joke bombs? Trick question! Crickets are humorless fucks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 75

Leave 8 bags of mulch in a hot car for 2 hours, and you too can have a car that smells like teenage bears have been hooking up in it. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 65

Wife: "They were on sale so I had to buy them." Me: "You'd buy Hitler if he was on sale." Wife: "That's not funny." Me: "Yes it was." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

Ever notice that British cats say "miaow" instead of meow? Also, I think a litterbox is a "loo" or a "lorry" or something. Google's no help. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46

Pro-Tip: Say your goodbyes to your Lego stormtroopers *before* the five-year-old comes to visit. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

"Hey Dad, look at my strap on!" "Looks great son!" I'd have told him we call the tie a "clip-on", but we were late for church. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 43

Me: "I grilled your steak rare." My wife: "I don't like it rare." Oh, crap. I wish I could somehow undo the damage by making it less rare. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 41

Watching my wife eat a chocolate covered frozen banana wishing I was comfortable enough with my sexuality to have one too. @lukeinvan (living in a van) – 38

A rat's average lifespan is 3 years. So, all the rats in Ratatouille: now dead. Long dead. Nemo? Loooooong dead. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 38

In Kansas City, the birthplace of jazz hands. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 37

Eating chargrilled oysters in a nice restaurant alone, I think I've finally realized: I'm dating my iPhone. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 36

Cops on Segways. Portland, your nerd is showing. @poeks (Poeks) – 36

Profoundly funny tweet #2159127331 (?) @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 35

The next 36 hours in Kansas City will be spent eating barbecue and waiting to eat barbecue. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 35

Two things Canada are famous for: 1. Hockey. 2. Being nice. Canada. The True North strong and oxymoronic. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 35

Profoundly funny tweet #2147771634 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 34

Profoundly funny tweet #2157672218 (?) @awryone (Unavailable) – 33

Hank: "What's inside this bamboo?" Me: "It's empty inside. Just like Pat Buchanan." Yep, that's me. Father of the Year. @Moltz (Moltz) – 32

Stephanie's almost done with her first ultra-marathon. I can't wait to tell her about the eight hour battery life on the new MacBook Pros. @jkubicek (Jim Kubicek) – 30