#bakemyfish

Dear Gramma, thank you so much for the Tonka truck. It is very fun! Sorry it took me 30 years to write back. Is Heaven scary? Love, Jiggy @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 132

Famous Resignations: Richard Nixon, Karl Rove and Sarah Palin. Better known as the Ex's of Evil. @BakeMyFish (Unavailable) – 83

I don't care where you fall on the healthcare debate, yelling at Arlen Specter looks like fun. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 82

Christians would probably be more relaxed if their savior's name was Cheez-Its Christ. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 76

Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Really, I'm asking because you refuse to take your Bluetooth out, so I'm never sure. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 73

Profoundly funny tweet #3281380262 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 72

I'd call my moobs "the twins" but I think I'd get sick of explaining that they are fraternal, not identical. Definitely not identical. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 72

"Stop making up things about me on the internet," said my housemate, as he rode his Russian, mail-order bride around like a fat, sassy pony. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 71

I want a cereal like Alpha-Bits called Integer-Bits. I'd eat it and when asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Oh, just crunching some numbers." @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 71

Dear Santa, FIRST! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

Polls show senior citizens largely disapprove of Obamacare. Plan B: Start calling it Matlockcare. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

I got a scratch on my iPhone and now it always skips before the good part of Stairway To Heaven. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 66

Wearing my meeting pants. My party pants gently weep. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65

Profoundly funny tweet #3287159106 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 65

WARNING TO ALL MEN: Beware of female sexual predators using a date rape drug called BLOW JOBS to entrap men into scams called RELATIONSHIPS @omg_wth (Finally, someone ) – 65

I dropped Jim off at the airport an hour ago, and I've already left him two voicemails of me sobbing and singing "Everything I Do." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 65

Flight home: started a game of "peek-a-boo" with 2yr old in front of me. After 30 minutes I grabbed him and said, IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE ME @blankslate (Alex) – 62

No two countries with a McDonald's have ever fought a war. And no two countries with a Hardees have ever admitted to eating at a Hardees. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

I think freckles are God's way of saying, imagine how much fun she is when naked. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 59