#abigvictory

Guess who made some brownies?? Seriously, guess. TAKE A FUCKING -- actually, I'm not sure. I found them on the sidewalk. They're pretty bad. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 86

Even while tossing around the idea of staying retired, Brett Favre was intercepted 13 times. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 79

The first rule of Elks Club is there are no "first rule" jokes because, quite frankly, we don't get it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

"Side effects may include constipation or diarrhea." So what you're saying is I may or may not give a shit. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 68

Five years. I've passed that strip club every day for five years. And I JUST noticed that its daily special is "striploin"? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62

Low Self-Esteem Peacock wonders: "Does this majestic display of tail feathers make me look gay?" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 61

The designated hitter rule makes no sense. Can't the other players just stay sober for the duration of the game? They get paid enough. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 58

I was trying to do unto others as I would have them do unto me, but I ran out of butter and no one wanted to hold the monkey. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 57

I am so tall that I run like a gazelle. A big fat awkward gazelle with a limp and horrible wheezing problem. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

These cats make a horrible Voltron. So loud. So much blood. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

My wife and I finally ate burritos. I imagine it was like watching two lions attack a pack of zebras on the Discovery Channel. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 52

I told my sullen nephew that if he practices hard enough, he might make first chair sad trombone this year. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 52

I run so much because I have this horrible feeling I'll die doing something heroic, and then in the TV movie I'll be played by John Goodman. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 50

Dear Diary: Just because I'm in a hospital, does not mean that women who look pregnant actually are. Amen. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 47

All joking aside, I bet Smurfs are delicious. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 46

A handlebar moustache, would from a reasonable distance, properly set the expectation of just how creepy I am. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 45

I just read the Constitution for the articles. @biorhythmist (matt) – 45

protip: if you can't beat 'em... make the necessary calls to arrange to have 'em beat. work smart. not hard. @theduty (duty) – 45

I think that if I'm ever trying to have a kid & find I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from not knowing that fact in college. @theduty (duty) – 45

Sometimes you just need to spend a quiet evening at home watching videos of people getting tasered. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67

I'm playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they'll never find me because they aren't old enough to drive or get into this bar. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 60

"Your father's motherboard died." "Oh my god, my grandmotherboard is dead!" @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 59

I started to explain entropy, but then, you know, whatevs. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

"Hand me the noodles or the kid gets it!" "Sir, that's a napkin dispenser." "... a napkin dispenser you love like a child?" "No." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Hot chick sitting next to me at bar. At what point do I tell her "Sorry, I'm married"? I don't want to interrupt her having no clue I'm here @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 52

I tried to groom my chest hair, but somehow shaved it into a lightning bolt. And thus the worst superhero ever is born. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

I have eliminated all of my life goals and replaced them with "Buy a cat. Name it Meow Ze Dong." @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 49

I like my men like I like my bras. Supportive and the last thing to get off. @crustyjuggler72 (Unavailable) – 44

Going to my 6yo nephew's birthday party. Is one bottle of Patron enough for him and ten of his friends? @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 44

Wife: "I... may have parked on the lawn." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 42

She was standing next to me with crutches and a broken foot. I felt really bad for her, but only because she had an old 1st generation iPod. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 39

I dreamt Elisabeth Shue died. Now, I'll spend all weekend waiting for the other Shue to drop. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 38

I wanted to be the voice of reason, but settled for being the murmur of excuse. @navanax (50% More Slime) – 37

Hi everyone! My flight's delayed and I'm eating a sandwich! This shit is a motherfucking Twitter gold mine! @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 37

The baby is 100% of the reason we buy graham crackers, but only about 5% of the reason we run out. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 37

Some guy just walked by me talking on his bluetooth, I tripped him. Then I told him, "see how dangerous that is?" @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 37

I went so deep with that Q-tip, I think it erased all memory of the 1980's. And with that, all my depression and angst have disappeared. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 34

IT HAPPENS, YOU HAVE THE SHAKES SO BAD YOUR PINKY NAIL CANT SEEM TO FIND YOUR NOSTRIL. HI, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE COKE HAND STABALIZER. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 34

Is that an octopus in your pocket or are you just oh god OH GOD! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 124

"I closed it and didn't save." "You can restore it." "How?" "Just go into control panel, under Leprechaun Magic." "I hate you." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 89

Dealing with lawyers makes me want to kill. Which would result in hiring even more lawyers. Darn, these people are smart. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 87

Don't draw eyes on fruit if you don't want fruit to stare at you. Judging you. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 81

When an app hangs, and I "Sample Process" to arrow through threads, I look a lot like a kitten trying to understand lasers. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 79

Coffee, take the wheel. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 74

Profoundly funny tweet #2085664877 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 74

I've become so ambidextrous, I can now brush my teeth with one hand and scoop the litterbox with the other. Uh-oh. Oh, fuck. Never mind. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 71

And I took the path less traveled by. Which is why my jeans are now covered in mud and cow shit and I'm half an hour late for my meeting. @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 66

I'm going all E.T. on this bag of Reese's Pieces. Related: I'll need a ride home from the woods. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

I feel reflective today, like Thoreau. But without the pond. Or the cabin. Or the peace and quiet. I guess I feel just like I do every day. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 64

You don't vote because you want to make a "statement"? What statement? "My boogers are chewy"? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62

People bitching about the upgrade price for still-working phones need to spend a day at Walgreens watching folks try to pay for cancer meds. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 62

This pizza I made would have been organic, if my nail polish was dry. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 62

If the zombies attack at 7:00 AM, I'm not sure how we'll tell them from the living. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 60

To do list for this afternoon: 1) identify that horrible smell under my car; 2) help neighbors put up their "missing cat" flyers. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 59

Dear Tuesday, I shaved above the knee. Obviously, I have big plans for you. Don't let me down. Regards, Aimee @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 55

I'll be very impressed if Apple makes a tablet computer. But there's no way I'm swallowing one. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 54

In my defense, I only stared at the word PUSH for twenty, thirty seconds, tops, before I stopped pulling on that door. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 53

"I can't believe you're eating Mexican food after eating McDonald's." "I can't believe you're going to sleep with me after I do both." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 67

"I'll sleep when I'm dead" is a great plan, until you get turned into a zombie. Nobody likes a lazy zombie. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 62

Wife is out of town for the weekend. This is really going to test the limits of our dishwasher capacity. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 59

Installing bookshelves today. I predict 3 trips to the hardware store and 4 shouts of "I have a PhD in mechanical engineering, god damn it!" @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

"I was drunker than Jesus." "And just how drunk was Jesus?" "Drunk enough to get nailed." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 54

"I think when girls sit on the potty, they don't know which one is gonna come out." "Me too, son. Me too." Ladies, meet tomorrow's men. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 52

Me: If there was a fire would you save me or the baby? Wife: Depends on who is being better that day. Me: Hear that, baby? Mommy hates you. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 51

Dad: "I'm not buying your mother another gift until she uses what I gave her for her birthday." Me: "What was it?" Dad: "A cemetery plot." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 49

My bank keeps bugging me to switch to "paperless" statements, but they haven't agreed to pay my $4 per statement "convenience fee." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49

Has anyone considered that it's not her milkshake that's bringing the boys to the yard but rather her vagina? @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 47

I need this three-day weekend like a lazy guy needs a three-day weekend. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46

Two days in a row surrounded by other people's kids led me to take mine to the store to buy him a toy as a reward for not being an asshole. @tj (TJ Luoma) – 44

It turns out that yelling "Well I wouldn't be such an asshole if you weren't such a cunt!" does NOT count as an apology. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 44

Wasabi & toothpaste: it's like a party in my mouth and someone vomitted in the lounge, then killed a stripper with a rake. Trust me on this. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 44

My son is up to bat. Julie cheers, "GO, BEAVERS!" The team's name is the Bears. A fantastic night begins. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 44

Lady, there's a size beyond which that tube top was no longer an option. You look like you ate someone that size. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 43

Wife is talking to me through the baby monitor, knowing full well she won't hear me. So, basically, our normal conversation. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 43

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. @blondediva11 (blondediva11) – 42

The convenience store was playing the oldies station. I heard Supertramp while a lady with a tramp stamp used food stamps. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 42