#joeschmitt

The Kindle app lets me read a book on my iPhone while listening to a book on my iPhone. I'm reading "Wuthering Mockingbird" or something. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 104

The best thing about babies is using the soft spot to hold your drink. Just push, twist, and you don't want me to babysit anymore, do you? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 96

I have a plausible guess where my pen is, given that I just found a tampon behind my ear. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 94

I'm so old and boring my safe word is STOP. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 91

Time flies when you're paying by the hour. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

I reached between her legs and whisked something out. I shrieked: "IS THIS YOUR CARD?" Lost my OB/GYN license but gained your mother! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 77

Scientist have successfully regrown rabbit penises. Offering men with erectile dysfunction hope that they, too, can have a rabbit penis. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 73

That Facebook notification should say "Joe Schmitt has been tagged in an old photo that he wishes had been lost forever." @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

That salad was so disgusting I had to eat an entire carton of ice cream just to get the taste out of my mouth. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 70

I don't have any specialized education or training in awkward hugging, but man oh man do I have a lot of field experience. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 61

My Captain Crunch got soggy, and it made me think of how fragile life really is. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 61

"What was our neighbor's name again?" "Uh, I don't remember." "What was his dog's name?" "Jack." @poeks (Poeks) – 58

If Dockers and a golf shirt are wrong, then I don't want to be right. Or fashionable. Or remotely attractive to the opposite sex. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

No. I do. I think your baby is adorable. I'm just concerned about what might happen if you get it wet or let it eat after midnight. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

If you’re born with a silver spoon in your mouth, you’re really fucked if you run into anything face first. @Beef_Tongue (Canterbury's Tail) – 55

Profoundly funny tweet #5573641990 (?) @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 54

Wait a minute! This is November! That wasn't Santa! Although, to be honest, I did notice that his beard was fake when we were making out. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 53

All three of my meals today were vegetarian. In other words, an entire day *wasted*. @Moltz (Moltz) – 49

After starting your fourth email with "I'm not neurotic or anything," you kind of have to accept your defeat. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49

At 19, hearing "I love you" made me melt. At 29, "You were right" makes me swoon. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 105

Why is everyone on that baseball team wearing a Jay-Z cap? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 93

Juan is the loneliest plumber. Chu is just as sad as Juan. He's the loneliest plumber since the plumber Juan. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 70

You memorized a few Bible passages. So? I know all the words to Stairway To Heaven but you don't see me boring the train reciting it. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 68

"It's OK," the naked, floppy-boobed woman said in the locker room. "We've got the same parts." Not quite. I can't play tetherball with mine. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65

I bet one of the best things about living in ancient times was being able to push somebody off the edge of the world. @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 65

It's funny how, even when the ice cream is actually making you cry harder, you convince yourself that one more spoonful will stop the tears. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 64

Profoundly funny tweet #5351373325 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 64

STAR WARS Episodes IV-VI are to be referred to as "The Original Trilogy." Episodes I-III are not to be referred to at all. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 61

Every morning I wake up, get dressed for work and resist the urge to tie a Windsor Noose. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61

I ran away from home two days ago and my wife still hasn't come looking for me! It's not like she doesn't know where my boyfriend's loft is! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 56

If we would have lied in the beginning, girls, we could've had three weeks of being crazy and eating chocolate instead of just one. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 55

Celebrities are so rude. Not one of them has sent me a toenail in return. This diorama is never gonna be finished. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

Next month let's all be dentists. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 49

STARTED TWITTER MEME #sadepitaph @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47

I bet when Victoria's Secret hands out pink slips, it can get a little confusing. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 47

How the fuck did he learn the F word? Oh. @irreverend (Kim Lisagor) – 46

Don't you judge me, Whole Foods woman. The only differences between us are that you use cloth shopping bags & I shave my armpits. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46

Just an idea: Take a few months and write a good novel. No rush. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45

Wife got a hideous haircut. I told her the only way I'd still have sex with her is if she gave the slightest indication that she wanted to. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 151

If you ever offer me a cookie and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 135

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. If you *still* don't succeed, there's always grad school. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 87

It's too bad I'm not gay because I live right near the Castro and I really enjoy sex with men. @biorhythmist (boorhythmist) – 82

For Halloween I'm going as an iPhone. I'll be the life of the party for a few hours, but then run out of energy and pass out on the couch. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 81

Three years ago today, I said, "I do" to no more blow jobs. Happy Anniversary, Honey. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 72

The mummy exhibit at the Field Museum is amazing. It's like you're really there with Larry King. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67

Profoundly funny tweet #5215541143 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 63

I always cry at my mom's weddings. @Remiel (Remiel) – 60

As I was running 3 cold rainy miles at 5AM it occurred to me that I could just tell the internet I ran, and it couldn't prove that I didn't, @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 59

If you cannot find the source of a quote, make one up. Nobody's reading your story anyway. Get over yourself. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 59

"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 58

Telling me you are a Six Sigma Black Belt has the exact opposite effect you believe it has. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 57

I invented a new low intensity cardio workout that requires me to lay completely still on the couch. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 57

I like it when she screams my name during sex. I just wish she wouldn't send her husband to scare me away from the window. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

*NEW* A social network for lawyers. Like Twitter except you get 140,000 characters plus a 4-paragraph disclaimer. It's called Litter. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56

Funny how people only cite karma when bad things happen to people they don't like. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54

I have no issue with raisin cookies per se. But if you lead me to believe they are going to be chocolate chip, I get Crying Game flashbacks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Well, I have a lot of work to do and it's not going to get done on its own so I better just pull up my socks and now my ankles are too hot. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

For the record, many countries spell certain English words differently. For example, we spell "health care" as "a basic human right". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 153

My youngest says if she had a time machine, she'd go back and pick a different ice cream flavor. (Sorry, Holocaust Jews.) @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 144

While it's tempting to call them "baristi" because of the Italian roots, the plural of "barista" is "journalism majors." @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 92

For Halloween I'll be a banker. I'll eat all my candy, all yours, then convince the government that if I don't get more candy we all starve. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 90

Dates should be formated as MM/DD/YY except for the years 1990 through 1992, which should be denoted in 'Hammer Time.' @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 75

"An Inconvenient Truth" is the chewing gum in the small intestine of my Netflix queue. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 68

Honestly, I wouldn't have drank if I would've known you'd be so "put your clothes back on-y." @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 65

My estate lawyer says I can't request to be buried in a hot tub. Pardon me: my EX-estate lawyer. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 64

Will somebody catch the fucking snitch already? I'm tired of all the sports tweets. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 63

If my friends really cared about me, they'd accept me for who I am: an antisocial homebody who never wants to spend time with them. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 62

My husband is such a dick. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 61

Look, I'm sorry to straight-bash, but I'm just worried that heterosexual mariage is going to be taught in schools. To our CHILDREN. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 57

look, you know I love playing games as much as anyone...but "let's hug each other tight til one of us gets a boner" has lost it's edge, dad. @theduty (duty) – 56

Fuck EVERY SINGLE ONE of you. @gruber (John Gruber) – 55

Me: I don't feel well. CW: Tummy ache? ME: Actually, I don't have a tummy. When I was 12 I had it removed and replaced with a stomach. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

I have hair growing _out of my nose_. Do I get one of those trimmers, or go out honorably with ritual suicide? All options are on the table. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 50

"So why are you moving to Washington?" "Just for the halibut." "Everyone is going to hate you." @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 49

Work sucks but won't even let me come in its mouth. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 48

I'd lose more weight but I think the people who sit next to me on the bus will really miss the spillover thigh-to-thigh contact. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 48

I went back in time and stepped on some butterflies and now Jeb Bush isn't president anymore. You're welcome. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 126

Oh crap. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 91

Macaulay Culkin might be Blanket's mystery father. So, you know, this whole Michael Jackson story could get weird. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 75

Every year I don't go to Burning Man is a year I don't die in a desert. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 58

Alarm clocks and credit cards are my way of screwing with future me. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57

Jenna Bush is now a correspondent for the 'Today' show. Nice to see someone overcome the obstacle of having powerful parents. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

I ain't gonna be on my deathbed regretting all the things I never did and that's why I did your mom and that's why I'm on my deathbed :( @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 54

Sisyphus should try vacuuming with cats. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Things I'll Never Combine Ever Again: A bowl of rice pudding and an Animal Planet show about parasite larvae. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 52

If you consider making a wireless router and a dead cactus make-out "procrastinating", then yes, I am procrastinating. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

I doubt that any of my tweets are being plagiarized, but just in case I'm going to pee on every one of them. @bsheepies (k-a-t-e) – 50

I always try to talk to newborns to find out if they happened to notice an area marked with a "G" on their way out. so far. I got nothing. @theduty (duty) – 50

I get my nepotism from my dad. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 48

I don't even know what to apologize for any more. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

I ate something I found in the waiting room refrigerator and now my insides want to be on the outside. Tell my family I love them. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 45

The Hollywood fires are God's way of saying he doesn't want a 'Footloose' remake without Zac Efron attached. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44

America. If you like our airlines, banks, cable news, mobile providers and dominant operating system, wait till you see our health insurers. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 44

I never met a shitty day that your tits in my face couldn't improve. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 43

Given where most of us are probably reading it, maybe the book should have been called 'Shitter Wit'. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 42

What do you mean "a headache"?! But I just dragged two bathtubs into a spring meadow!! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83

You say I'm pedantic, yet I am quite certain you are unaware of the word's true definition. So stop showing me your feet. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63

I'm doing manly chores around the house like banging on the doohickey with a hammer and yelling at that other clacky thingie. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60

No, officer, I wasn't texting while driving; I was tweeting. Your ticket is invalid. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 58

I guess I preordered the wrong Beatles Rock Band because Ringo Starr just showed up. I can't understand a word. What do I feed him? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

2 wks ago: Partying in Manhattan; 1 wk ago: Vacation with family; Now: Drinking & Watching Kubrick alone; Next week: Van, down by the river. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 53

Screamed "*YOU SUCK!*" at Spotlight, and the "Top Hit" was a thoughtful rebuttal from Phil Schiller. Which wasn't what I was searching for. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50

At the drive-thru distributor, my son asks "why do you need beer?" It's been six years, and he doesn't know me at all. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 47

That bottle of bourbon has been flirting with me from across the room all night. I'm a married man come here you. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 46

"How you stay faithful in a room full of hoes?" Kanye, why you in a room full of hoes? Lets start there. @Yayaa (Yaya) – 44

The elevator music crept into my ears and killed me quietly. I'm a victim of the ninjazz. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 42

when I was a kid, fixing all my problems was as simple as giving a Nintendo cartridge a good blow. ...god, nothing ever changes with me. @theduty (duty) – 42

It doesn't surprise me that Palin imagined such a thing as Death Panels. After all, she thought teen abstinence was a thing. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 42

No matter what I do, she thinks I'm an asshole. It's almost like I really AM an asshole. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 41

One step closer to my dream of becoming a professional brunch eater. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41

Why did I ram my cart into your legs? Maybe, IDK, CUZ U R AT A DEAD STOP IN THE AISLE TEXTING UR BFF JILL? @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 40

Sometimes I fart in public just to feel alive. @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 39

I did not just make a margarita out of lemonade, LOL. There was some Crystal Light involved. Maybe Tang. HAHA no YOU'RE crying. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 39

Winter in San Diego is rapidly approaching, soon I will have to put away my summer t-shirts and take out my winter t-shirts. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 38

Next person who says "it's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 160

Show me on this doll where Monday touched you. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 127

A statue of Lenin fell and crushed a Belarus man today. You have to admit, Lenin's still got it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 85

Gravity. What a downer. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

Low-flow toilets are like having only dial-up access to your building's plumbing. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 80

Your baby sure can take a punch! @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 77

The box office performance of 'Transformers' and 'G.I. Joe' makes me feel pretty good about my Easy-Bake Oven script. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 76

Behind every great tweeter is an insane friend providing quotable material. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 68

Facebook is a good match for FriendFeed, insofar as I’ve never understood why I’d want to use either of them. @gruber (John Gruber) – 66

The thing I hate about my neighbor is how gay he looks when I'm jerking him off. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 65

That guy had "shitty barista" written all over him. Well, technically, he did *after* I grabbed his Sharpie. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 64

Back home to a bathroom that understands me. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 60

Condoms: If you prick us, do we not breed? @biorhythmist (matt) – 60

"And so the moral of Shrek is, donkeys can fuck dragons." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 58

Our neighbor is moving and to shed possessions she gave me 2 bottles of gin out of her liquor cabinet. OMG, I'M GONNA MISS WHAT'S HER NAME. @Moltz (Moltz) – 57

I'm going to help this flirting couple by staring at them. They can be all "What's that creepy girl's deal?" when the conversation stalls. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 56

You have to be pretty [sic] to be a copy editor. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55

Oh, porn mag discarded in a puddle. Print truly is dead. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

It's going to be 98.6 degrees today in Washington. I can't wait to experience the exquisite comfort of that perfect inside-outside balance. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 54

Man. Justin Timberlake is *everywhere* nowadays. He just helped me empty the dishwasher. Nice guy. Smells like milk. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 112

Apparently there are people who regard "there are no bad ideas in brainstorming" as a challenge. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 89

Mexican police found three heads in a plastic foam cooler today. Probably the worst picnic lunch ever. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 78

I would give my left testicle to ride a bicycle like Lance Armstrong. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 69

Nature abhors a pantsuit. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 69

The dog spends hours tongue bathing his own wiener but he won't touch the McGriddle I brought him. This should probably teach me something. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 66

Just following orders is no excuse for the recent crimes perpetrated by my alarm clock. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65

Temp I hired is wearing socks with sandals and a fedora (yes, indoors) and says it "looks cool". I can't fire him until I stop laughing. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 63

Profoundly funny tweet #1847987749 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 62

The Senate passed a credit card overhaul bill today. It was approved after two swipes. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61

RIP Patrick Swayze death rumor. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 60

No offense, science, but I'd always hoped the missing link would be a monkey skeleton wearing a hat. I'm underwhelmed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 59

Watching Fox News, I'm disappointed in Cheney for letting Nancy Pelosi force him to torture people. It's like the man has no moral compass. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 59

Almost fell on my ass because my socks slipped as I was trying to pick a wedgie. Walking in beauty like the night over here, folks. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 55

Dressing a baby is like putting socks on an octopus. Sure it's fun at first, but I mean, how long can a baby hold it's breath underwater? @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 55

If, nine years ago, someone told me I'd have a slim TV to distract my kids with at resturants, I would have said "Shit! I have kids?!" @ShawnaF (Unavailable) – 54

My daughter is wearing Uggs with shorts. Man, I'm gonna miss her after I disown her. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 54

A good way to choke to death is to eat a spoonful of dry pancake mix out of the box. Just in case anyone else thought it would be delicious. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 52

I don't understand how Jimmy Fallon has his own late night talk show. It's like giving Stephen Hawking his own running shoe. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 51