#ttseco

Some people fight racism. Some people fight sexism. I fight Vampire Hitler. HE'S NOT BOTHERING YOU BECAUSE I'M TAKING CARE OF IT. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 102

Troubleshooting. Next step, shooting. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62

The argument "Jesus must have existed because so many things were written about him" makes me want to go to New York to meet Spiderman. @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 60

When I meet women, I try to impress them with my good looks, dance moves and big dick. I have none of those so I just fix their computer. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 59

Frankly, I don't think anyone who measures trust in physical distance should be allowed to throw people, anyway. @Remiel (Gabriel) – 57

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him lifeguard. Horses don't know CPR. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

"Cut it out" "RT Cut it out" "Stop it!" "RT Stop it!" "Daaad, tell him to stop!" "RT Daaad, tell him to stop!" My kids on Twitter. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 57

Police officer just came to our door looking for an address that doesn't exist. I will report this to Obama. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

Does this neck brace make me look straight ahead? @biorhythmist (matt) – 56

When my wife goes away, she leaves a Honey Do list. I say, "Fuck you, it's Saturday!" But, it comes out, "Yes, Dear." I'll be back later. @BakeMyFish (Cunny Snort) – 53

I WON'T BE IGNORED, AUTOMATIC PAPER TOWEL DISPENSER. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

"Coffee is good at work, but I'd never be so strung out that I'd need it on weekends." - Me, 15 years ago, remembered while I top off. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51

The Doubters: "You can't convince millions of poor people they don't want help paying their doctor bills." FOX News: "Oh no? Watch me." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49

Crumbs in your keyboard are just a snack you haven't met! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

the best way to tell a friend they have a booger in their mustache is to say the words you are tweeting out loud as you type. you got it. @theduty (duty) – 45

On the one hand, I *should* go for a run. On the other hand, I have five fingers. Covered with peanut butter. @antichrista (Christa Mrgan) – 45

Just had a nice catch with my son. HOW FREAKING HARD WAS THAT, HARRY CHAPIN? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45

Profoundly funny tweet #2828703960 (?) @cleversimon (Unavailable) – 44

I'd say I'm an elitist but I'm better than that. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 43

I know my husband is a nerd, but even I was not prepared when during "Milk" he started SHRIEKING; "OMG, You don't mix Futura and Helvetica!" @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 74

The government wants to ban pet chimps? I'm sorry, but you can have my chimp when you pry him from my cold, dead neighbor. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 68

No fair. Black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 68

Calling atheism a religion is like saying that not giving a damn about football is a football team. @ttseco (Theo Tsecouras) – 62

Not 100% sure but I think I might be the only person in Whole Foods who's morbidly obese and wearing a fur coat. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 56

I'm giving up erections for Lent. How hard can it be? @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 55

I'm concerned I didn't leave enough dry cat food out on the kitchen floor. Generally speaking, how much do babies eat in two days? @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49

Consumer confidence is at an all-time low. So if you see a consumer today, say something complimentary. Even if he or she is unattractive. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46

If you're a jack of all trades but a master of none, doesn't that make you... the master of jacking? I just opened pathways in your mind. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45