#jephkelley

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 143

Japan's new first lady says aliens once took her to Venus. I'm just amazed aliens also call it Venus. Boy, we nailed that one. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 123

I love that moment before stepping on stage. The rush of adrenaline, the roar of the crowd, the musky scent of my crotchless police uniform. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 85

Way back when they came up with that weird saying, cats must have worn pajamas and those pajamas must have been so totally super duper. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 83

The Apple store had a sign in the window: "Apply within." Well duh, what else is it going to be? Orangy? @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 81

The only horoscope you will ever need: Planets are doing stuff, so it's a good day to do stuff but be prepared in case bad stuff happens. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80

This guy on the elevator is holding the door open just to make this ample breasted lady run. What a jerk. Now he's tweeting about it. @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 79

I'm catching up on German history and just got to the part where Hitler introduces sweeping health care reform. Chilling. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 73

You said "Thanks for the quick response!" but I know you meant "you poor sad bastard, alone at your computer, desperate for human contact." @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 71

I'd guess either for driving naked or for being on PCP. Whatever. Just hurry up with the ticket so I can get this busload of kids to school. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 63

My office. Picture the clean minimalism of the Bauhaus, De Stijl, an Apple Store. Now, forget that picture. Imagine piles of crap on a desk. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 63

Just hit an opossum scampering across the road. I feel horrible. I'm hoping that he was already dead, and just playing alive. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 62

OH HAI ANGELA @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

I suck at passive-aggression. (unlike *a certain someone*...) @biorhythmist (matt) – 58

I suppose if I insist on yelling "achievement unlocked!" during sex, he has the right to call his penis The Final Boss. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 57

If they're anything like boob jobs, I cannot wait to get some big, bouncy hands from one of these "hand jobs" everyone keeps talking about. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 53

Dear Plumbers Who Were Supposed To Be Here This Morning But Are Not Here Yet: She will kill you, you understand? She will fucking kill you. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 52

When people talk about Snow Leopard, all I hear is blah blah blah Snow Leppard blah blah blah pour some sugar on me blah blah blah pie. @damselesque (Beth) – 51

If kids' pajamas can have feet on them, why can't I get cotton dockers with the socks attached? Oh right, "dignity." Whatever. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51

Remember the vow you took on our wedding day? Then PUT ON THE GODDAMN CHEWBACCA COSTUME. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 130

Cashier: "Total is $14.92." Me: "Ha, like Columbus." C: "Nice one, Seinfeld." M: "Ha, like the comedian." C: "..." M: "Ha, like a mime." @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 78

ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NOT NICK JONAS. Sorry, you want to do *what* to him? ATTENTION TEEN GIRLS: I AM NICK JONAS. @nick (Nick Douglas) – 63

My girl said if I wanted anal I'd have better luck with her mom, I don't know if I should text or call. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 62

Stop giving away hurricane naming rights for free. There. Health care reform paid in full. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 56

This guy's looking at me funny. Status check: Booger? Nope. Open fly? Nope. Dorsal fin? Nope. All good. "What the fuck you looking at?" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

Too many hassles today. If a bright light presents itself, I'm moving towards it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 54

Sir, I knew Astro Boy. Astro Boy was a friend of mine. Astro Boy could pull off that haircut. Sir, you are no Astro Boy. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

If this is Supertramp, I'd hate to hear what Averagetramp sounds like. @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 53

Steven Johnson, Malcolm Gladwell, and Steven Levitt go into a bar. Guy goes, "Whaddaya like?" and they go, "The opposite of what you think." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

I want to live to see great-grandchildren. But instead of taking care of myself, I'll just push my kids to get married at 9. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

Profoundly funny tweet #3438530970 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 50

I've done my daily pushups and crunches every day this week except for the ones not named Tuesday, and I didn't do the pushups. Still sore. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 49

Spilled chocolate milk? Damn right I'm crying. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

Never wear a company shirt to a gunfight. Especially if you work at Target. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 47

"So if I put in 6 bullets and shoot 3 guys, I have 3 bullets left." Some parents would be bothered but we just figure he's learning math. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 47

Where is your god now, roast beef sandwich? @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 46

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% adding the words poop, fart or burrito to the tweet. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 45

Things you don't want to hear after a haircut: "That took balls." @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45

jephkelley replied to your quote: “Perhaps it’s time to have this conversation at...

Like, holy shit, that reviewer goes totally overboard. It’s a summer time action movie. It’s supposed to be shitty and fun. I’ll totally watch it. And totally watch Tree of Life, too.