#debihope

Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct! @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 96

I had this really kinky boyfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 83

Once again, it appears I've prematurely donned my gay apparel. @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 82

Black Friday shopping? No thank you. If I wanted to hang out with that many assholes, I'd join the Republican Party. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 71

My wife doesn't seem to care for my euphemisms. Seriously, what's so wrong about asking if I can blow insulation behind her dry wall? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a "flavor-saver" so I made a your mom joke and that's how grandma got the ambulance ride. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55

Damn. Waterproof mascara is harder to get off than your mom. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Our nation is under siege by aspiring reality TV stars. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

I have so much respect for parents who don't drink. @gruber (John Gruber) – 49

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

If a female firefighter loses her job because she won't put out, it's not necessarily sexual discrimination. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48

Getting my hair cut. Bitch had it coming. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Men used to just try to get laid all the time. Now they want stars and a #FF...when they're not funny I'd almost rather give them the sex. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 47

I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING! @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 46

Apple pie for breakfast, pumpkin pie for lunch, pecan pie for dinner. PIE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44

Profoundly funny tweet #6126752079 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 44

"Don't worry — I'll remember." - Me, just before forgetting... something. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

My wife is somehow resistant to my bedroom mating dance. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42

An optimist in Hell: "Things can only get better! AHHHH! OH NO! OH GOD! At least I don't have to wear a tie! AHH! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

As an avid indoorsman, real Christmas trees kind of freak me out. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

I wouldn't shop today if they were selling magic penises that came coffee and peed rainbows. I would probably try to order it online though. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 55

My favorite thing about Thanksgiving is focusing on family... Hold on. GET THE GRAVY YOURSELF GRAMMA! I'M BUSY! Sorry. What was I saying? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

I was told we were having a roast for dinner. After an hour of telling dead hooker jokes about grandpa, I found out we're eating pork loin. @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 54

If you can't say anything nice, you must be eating at this table. @biorhythmist (matt) – 51

Me: "How are you liking Disney on Ice so far, Wallet?" Wallet: "Go fuck yourself" @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 50

Profoundly funny tweet #6097180015 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 48

Me: That white-bearded short guy has been tapping a perfect beat the entire train ride. Wife: Yup. He's a Metro Gnome. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46

Sometimes I just wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 45

I'm bringing sexy back right after I take a nap. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 44

She asked. I said 'yes'. (http://bit.ly/isaidyes) @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 42

Her snore is adorable, despite it being a painful reminder of the sex I'm not getting. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 39

I picked up a flash light, ski mask and bolt cutters at Target today. Can't wait until tonight to take advantage of the real bargain deals. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 38

MY PIEHOLE IS APTLY-NAMED @biorhythmist (matt) – 38

First Rule of Turkey Club: Bacon, lettuce and tomato. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 36

I have tons of friends, until I need help painting. Then they're all like, "Uh, we're stuffed animals." Jerks. @Just_Alison (Alison Agosti) – 36

Profoundly funny tweet #6096762128 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 36

I could use a tapeworm right about now. @SusAnimate (SusAnimated) – 35

Neat! If you shake your head REALLY FAST, you forget calculus! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 92

It's important to stop and remember sometimes that Coolio was an actual living, breathing human being and not just a salutation. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 85

It's as though people on the west coast have never seen someone smoking and jogging before. Fucking hippies. @poeks (Poeks) – 83

I would be grateful for the little things, but I'm not with that boyfriend anymore. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 80

I'M ON A GRAVY BOAT! @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 77

I don't know why people think Lady Gaga is unattractive. He is very good-looking. @damselesque (Beth) – 72

After I feed my cat, he goes off and ignores me for hours. If that worked for people, I'd keep sandwiches within reach at all times. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 69

Thanksgiving is a time for coming together with family and pushing old people down at Walmart for a good deal. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 69

It took a while, but I finally convinced my nephew that West Virginia is not a state. Being an uncle is hard work. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67

Ever look back on an ex and think, What the HELL was I thinking? Post-Traumatic Yes Disorder. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 65

Jim missed the exit for a major highway, adding 2 hours to the trip. To be fair, his PhD was not in Knowing Where The Fuck I'm Going. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 64

Profoundly funny tweet #6065578399 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 59

Tonight, we're having turkey and 'turkurkey', which is turkey made entirely of turkey. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 59

A spider crawled across the floor. I called my 9yo in from the next room to kill it because I couldn't reach it while standing on my chair. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 59

Happy "(Delete Browser History And Caches) OK Now You Can Use My Laptop" Day @biorhythmist (matt) – 53

Happy Thanksgiving, America! If you are American, stop reading now. Ok, the tryptophan has kicked in. Let's go play with their toys! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

At a loss for gratitude? Consider that you have a computer, web access, and the freedom to say ANYTHING you want. Then, maybe try again. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

The great thing about the battle against staying home and masturbating is that whatever happens, you're still a winner. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 48

Profoundly funny tweet #6072498480 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 46