#aimee_b_loved

Spot my mistake: I took my kids, on Black Friday, to Best Buy, to get a USB cable. If you answered "having children," you're correct! @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 96

I had this really kinky boyfriend once; finally I just had to tell him it was time we started peeing on other people. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 83

Once again, it appears I've prematurely donned my gay apparel. @RexHuppke (Rex Huppke) – 82

Black Friday shopping? No thank you. If I wanted to hang out with that many assholes, I'd join the Republican Party. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 71

My wife doesn't seem to care for my euphemisms. Seriously, what's so wrong about asking if I can blow insulation behind her dry wall? @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 57

At dinner my nephew asked if my mustache was a "flavor-saver" so I made a your mom joke and that's how grandma got the ambulance ride. @biorhythmist (matt) – 55

Damn. Waterproof mascara is harder to get off than your mom. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 52

I never thought of myself as dead inside, but I don't know how else to explain how my farts smell. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Our nation is under siege by aspiring reality TV stars. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

I have so much respect for parents who don't drink. @gruber (John Gruber) – 49

Christmas shopping can be so frustrating. Why don't they sell frankincense at the same stores they sell the myrrh? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

If a female firefighter loses her job because she won't put out, it's not necessarily sexual discrimination. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48

Getting my hair cut. Bitch had it coming. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Men used to just try to get laid all the time. Now they want stars and a #FF...when they're not funny I'd almost rather give them the sex. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 47

I decorated the Christmas tree with the kids today. They still haven't figured out how to get down. It looks gre... hold on... STOP CRYING! @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 46

Apple pie for breakfast, pumpkin pie for lunch, pecan pie for dinner. PIE ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 44

Profoundly funny tweet #6126752079 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 44

"Don't worry — I'll remember." - Me, just before forgetting... something. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

My wife is somehow resistant to my bedroom mating dance. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 42

Watching Godfather Part III. If I remember correctly, it's the one with Jar Jar Binks. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 85

You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 78

People forget that 'Back to the Future' was made in 1955 and the filmmakers had to guess about life in the 1980s. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

How many roads must a man walk down before he realizes there's a sidewalk? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 61

This is history. @BarackObama (Barack Obama) – 60

Whenever locking a car first made the horn honk is when things really started going to shit. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 51

"Fat? No, but it does make your butt look pregnant." ...and that was the last thing I remember saying, officer. @FriedWords (Derek) – 50

Bloomberg just paid $75 million to be mayor of everything on @foursquare. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

Remember when you could slam a telephone down on the hook? Pulling out your earbuds and throwing them onto the keyboard isn't as satisfying. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 49

Shotglasses? That sounds like a lot of pouring. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 48

Man, imagine how easy all this would be if the Democrats had some kind of majority or something. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 46

Upon hearing news of Steven Tyler's departure from Aerosmith, Sammy Haggar takes a shot of tequila, jumps to his feet and says "I'm on it." @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 46

Oh, just taking a picture of myself but trying to make it look like it's a candid shot that one of my many many friends took of me. You? @biorhythmist (matt) – 45

Date night would be a lot more fun without "What shoes should I wear? Do I look fat in these jeans? Why are you lighting my closet on fire?" @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 45

About to put the OD in VODKA. At some point in the evening I'll also be putting the HO in alcoholic. Cut me some slack. I hurt. @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 45

Guy's yelling into the end of his iPhone like it's a sound-conducting slice of pizza. The TOP end. While wearing EARBUDS. Where to begin. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 42

Eating Top Ramen with a fork straight out of the pot, just like my ancestors did 20 years ago. @biorhythmist (matt) – 42

"It's good that clowns wear squeaky shoes, so they can't sneak up on you." "The most evil clowns are barefoot. Pleasant dreams, son." @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 38

I'm not buying a bathtub until I can read a Kindle in it. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 38

Every time you get an idea, God tells Jesus, "I came up with that." Then Jesus says, "I know." Then God says, "I know you know." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 96

Whenever I edit CSS and it actually works, I feel like a ninja. Then I remember I'm a Latin America policy analyst. Who is procrastinating. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 90

Before we have children, you should probably know that the men in my family have a history of autoerotic asphyxiation. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 80

The only guys who like girls with brains are zombies. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 76

Profoundly funny tweet #4888028519 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 66

This was a can't-remember-if-I-put-on-deodorant-so-I-rub-my-fingers-under-my-armpits-and-sniff-them-but-my-coworkers-see-me kind of day. @damselesque (Beth) – 60

On days like these, Kerouac would grab a case of Diet Dr. Pepper, hop in his Honda Element, and just drive. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 58

Aw, crap -- I just realized that I totally forgot the Titans. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 57

I'm sick and laying in a fort made of pillows on the couch and I'M RINGING MY BELL BECAUSE I NEED MORE JUICE @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56

Sorry. It's not a good time. You caught me right in the middle of not giving a fuck about anything you have to say. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56

I told you officer, I cut the ass out of the gorilla suit because they don't sell baboon costumes. I don't know who crapped on your car. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 56

NPR's letters segment makes me want to dedicate the rest of my life to being slightly incorrect within earshot of joyless liberal pedants. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 55

Weird. My balls smell like hands. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 53

Making a list of things not to take from clowns. So far I have candy, career advice, blood soaked rags, and hamburgers. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 51

I really hate when people inappropriately and incorrectly use science terms. I guess it's something I picked up by osmosis. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 51

The boy who scooped everyone by reporting that his younger brother took off in a balloon has already been hired by CNN. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48

The U.S. soccer team qualified for the World Cup by playing to a tie tonight. I'll riot, but I won't be happy about it. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

You know what would make this Pina Colada better? ...Cancun. @JeeNeeBee (Jeannie B) – 45

Had a talk with my doctor about erectile dysfunction. Poor guy... @MODAT (Modat) – 45

Wow, my neighbors get horrible cell reception under their bed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 143

I'm pretty sure "No strings attached" is guy code for "I'm emotionally retarded, but your vagina sounds neat!" @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 114

Sick beats, hot shorties, no cover? Where have high school dances been all my life? Girl, you wanna get freaky with a guy who can VOTE? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 112

My door is always open if you ever want to talk about how you can get the fuck out of my office. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 95

New way to aggravate my husband: refer to Helvetica as "the Crate & Barrel font". @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 95

I'd like to replace my windshield wipers with big mechanical eyelids. Then I could wink at cute cars. Also: car mascara. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 91

So, a universe indifferent to pain and suffering is bleak, but a god who demonstrates his love with pain and suffering is comforting. Huh. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 77

You say, "I'm great at multitasking." I hear, "Delusion's made my carelessness scalable." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 73

With ninja condoms, nobody ever sees you coming. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 71

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts. Because it might be a gyro. And then you have to pronounce it. And then you're screwed. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71

Had a key to my apartment made for my girlfriend. Was so surprised: it only costs $1.60 at a hardware store to throw your entire life away. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 66

Every time you kiss your baby, you're really kissing the sperm that won. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 64

Thigh-high boot muffin-top is the saddest muffin-top of all. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 60

Can "my body my choice" be applied in other kinds of arguments, such as when I am criticized for smelling like soup? @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 59

It's always stressful introducing a new girlfriend to your earwax sculpture, but there's no better way to find out if she's *the one*. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 57

Every time an email comes out from the company's GLBT committee I want a BLT. Is that racist? @Moltz (Moltz) – 57

To my cat, clamoring by the door: "I'm not letting you outside, you'll freeze your nuts off." "... Oh, right. Sorry, man." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 55

Some days you're the bug, and some days you're the windshield, and some days you shouldn't combine Kafka and prescription cough syrup. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 55

Whatever it is you seek in this life, once you have finally attained it, your mother will insist that she found it for cheaper at Costco. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 87

Got my to-do list and bucket list mixed up. I guess my household projects will just have to wait until after I win a Tony. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 73

I know everything's slower in the South but that mens' room attendant took a liiitle too long dusting talc on my junk. Also, *so* polite. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 60

Steve Jobs's new liver can download movies. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 60

I doubt it's a coincidence that Steve Jobs got a new liver about the same time the iPhone got the cut-and-paste function. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 60

If I had breasts I'd never leave the house & by house I mean bed & by breasts I mean both breasts AND house. Anyway, totally drunk. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 58

Anything meant to evoke childhood should smell like a fresh can of Play-Doh. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 55

Four-way stops are like skill-testing questions — if you can't figure them out, you're a fucking idiot. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

JESUS! Were you raised in a barn?! Oh, you were raised in a barn... Very well, then. Carry on, Jesus. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 52

The world's oldest man died in his sleep yesterday. Sounds suspicious, if you ask me. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

My family thinks I keep the birdfeeder stocked because I care about wildlife. Actually, I just like to watch the cat have an aneurysm. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 51

Full bladder + morning wood = YEEEEARRRRGH @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 51

My eye contact avoidance brings all the boys to the yard. And then makes them uncomfortable, so they leave. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 50

HER: Do I know you from somewhere? ME: Do you dream? HER: Yes. ME: Then probably. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 50

Do I scowl so he knows it was wrong to dump the oatmeal on his head, or laugh to encourage his talent for physical comedy? Parenting is hard @irreverend (Kim Lisagor) – 50

For the record, spending the day on the couch in a green Snuggie and drinking bottles of Heineken does not count as "activism". @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 50

Wife: I can't see trending topics. Me: You WANT that? Wife: Don't you look at trends? Me: [laughing] Wife: Why is that funny? Me: [crying] @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 49

You can't actually order 'barista tears' in your latte, but if you make fun of their hair you don't have to. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 47

I'm not lazy; I'm a performance artist. I call this piece Girl In Bed. It's a commentary on how awesome my bed is. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 46

Dude. You gotta learn to flush. And apparently chew. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 86

Superman: "You asleep?" Me: "Am I talking to you?" Superman: "Yes." Me: "Then yes. I am asleep." Superman: "Cool. Let's fight bad guys!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79

Sorry son, an after-dinner game of catch is only offered on Dad Premium Edition™. I'm just Dad Basic™. Wanna split this funnel cake? @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 77

I accidentally turned to the smooth jazz station and was naked by the time I could change the channel. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 71

Once bitten, twice shy, thrice starting to like it, four-times the safe word is "luncheon meats". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

Every time I watch Mythbusters "debunk" MacGyver, I find myself thinking, "Yeah, but MAYBE it didn't work because You Are Not MacGyver!" @tj (TJ Luoma) – 56

Every time y'all talk about your kids I imagine how cute, and fulfilling they must be to raise. Then I go back to doing anything I want. @pheend (P. nutigusti) – 54

I would be enjoying this apple so much more if it were nachos. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 53

Today they gave me fries with paprika on them. Then a cookie with raisins in it. I ate them anyway. I think I'd hold up well under torture. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 50

Monday Eve is pretty much the lamest Eve. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

6 year old just went on a nude rampage against an inflatable Bozo. Not for fun- this family believes in preparing for the clown wars. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 48

Isn't this the best rhetorical question ever? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 48

My father caught me crocheting a diaper for my kitty. The doctors give him two weeks, tops. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 47

If you turn all your Mini-Wheats frosting-side down, you can pretend you're a much more health-conscious person. Mmm, whole-grain goodness. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 47

If this hurts me worse than it hurts you, I'm doing it wrong. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

"Benedict XVI Defends Women in Mideast." I assume the pope has traded in his funny hat for a mesh trucker hat, what with all the irony. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 46

People who used to say "globalization" every 3rd sentence now seem to say "global economic crisis." I assume the angel still gets his wings. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43

Some days I think about my four years in college and all the wild, frenzied sex I like to believe I had back then. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 43

It's nice that my wife let's me act like I'm the man of the house sometimes, even though she has a better mustache OW OW UNCLE! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 40

U.S. presidents in character map form: ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☺ ☻ @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 56

Yelp.com: Explore Where Local Illiterates Have Recently Stopped Eating.™ @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

His answer to Trivial Pursuit question “What do huntsmen call out upon sighting a fox?” was “Hey baby, want some fries with that shake?” @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 52

You go out of your way to secretly make someone a necklace from their own hair and they don’t even have the decency to write after moving. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 50

My son thought he’d grown as tall as my boobs, but then I put on a bra and now he can’t figure out why he only reaches my waist. @hoosiergirl (hoosiergirl) – 50

Why would you take names after kicking ass? Are there forms to fill out? Some sort of registry? Is ass-kicking unionized? I’m so confused. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 49

When is someone going to make a sex doll that doesn’t always look surprised? She should know it’s you by now. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 49

The Taliban has claimed responsibility for the new Pepsi logo. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

Headed out to track down and party with whoever just drove by blasting Kris Kross. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 44

A gaggle of little princesses mill around Cinderella. Plus one five-year-old in full Wonder Woman regalia. So young to have won at life. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44

My office is so messy, I think just found Jimmy Hoffa. He was under a pet rock, 2 macramé books, and this 30-year-old Jimmy Hoffa joke. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43

The American Experience at Epcot: Where Americans vacationing in America go to immerse themselves in America. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41

It’s fitting that Iowa has gay marriage. If I remember that Ken Burns documentary correctly, that’s where Lewis and Clark first made out. @Moltz (Moltz) – 41

"Come to Iowa for the gay marriages, stay for the pig poop smell." @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 39

Any minute now my daughter will ask for pastries and I will pretend to speak only Portuguese. It’s complicated but how we roll. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 37

With all the calories I saved from not eating that pain chocolat, I was able to drink 14 beers! And then I had some delicious pain chocolat! @Moltz (Moltz) – 37

You can lead a unicorn to whiskey but don’t leave them alone with it, they’ll drink it all. Fucking alcoholics. @FanEffingTastic (Kara) – 37

Disney. Day 4. Body and mind destroyed. I look in the dead eyes of my compatriots and wonder: “Is this Hell?” Oooo… free refills. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36

My cat refuses to look at me when I talk llike Flavor Flav. Do all cats exhibit this odd behavior? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 36