#poeks

I was escorted out of the funeral before I was done high fiving everyone. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 142

If you think I'm creepy, check this box: [ ]. Then pass this note back through your bedroom window. @poeks (Poeks) – 110

When I was your age we had to stand behind a microphone in front of a brick wall to find out that drunks didn't think we were funny. @biorhythmist (matt) – 97

Like many Americans, I had to take a second job to put my mistress through high school. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 91

Drinking tea with a cat on my lap no homo ok a little homo. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

It's been five years and you still don't understand why we put a pine tree in the house once a year? Cats are such idiots. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 78

Profoundly funny tweet #6319984548 (?) @carrmah (Unavailable) – 75

I wanna punch my self-control in its stupid smug face. But I won't. And it knows that. AND THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUNCH IT MORE. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 74

Jim was mad about the plastic surgery that made him look like Mr. Potato Head but no one could tell because he didn't put in his angry eyes. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 69

A sincere request: can we quit it with the "Lady Gaga is a man" jokes? Because I've asked all the other trans people, and we don't want her. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 69

Typos are God's way of saynig, "You shoudln't be masturbating adn tweeting at the same time." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 68

This Holiday Season let's all come together as one and pray for all the disease and famine of the world to strike Farmville. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 67

Lots of Life Coaches on Twitter but not a single Lowlife Coach. I sense a market opportunity. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

Remember when twitter was less about stars and more about alibis? BTW, you all saw me at Burger King right about now. Not covered in blood. @kolchak (The Night Stalker) – 59

GOOD NEWS: Our three year old no longer wets his bed. BAD NEWS: he crawls into ours to do it. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 56

My son wants to join little league this spring. In preparation I already doubled his allowance & will start the steroid injections Monday. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 54

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain. The snow in Chicago falls slowly on the hos. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 53

Tiger Woods wants to know what's par for your mom's hole. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 51

Truly became a boring, mature adult today when I chose not to fart near my wife because I knew it would derail our conversation about cats. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 50

Neat! If you shake your head REALLY FAST, you forget calculus! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 92

It's important to stop and remember sometimes that Coolio was an actual living, breathing human being and not just a salutation. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 85

It's as though people on the west coast have never seen someone smoking and jogging before. Fucking hippies. @poeks (Poeks) – 83

I would be grateful for the little things, but I'm not with that boyfriend anymore. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 80

I'M ON A GRAVY BOAT! @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 77

I don't know why people think Lady Gaga is unattractive. He is very good-looking. @damselesque (Beth) – 72

After I feed my cat, he goes off and ignores me for hours. If that worked for people, I'd keep sandwiches within reach at all times. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 69

Thanksgiving is a time for coming together with family and pushing old people down at Walmart for a good deal. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 69

It took a while, but I finally convinced my nephew that West Virginia is not a state. Being an uncle is hard work. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 67

Ever look back on an ex and think, What the HELL was I thinking? Post-Traumatic Yes Disorder. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 65

Jim missed the exit for a major highway, adding 2 hours to the trip. To be fair, his PhD was not in Knowing Where The Fuck I'm Going. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 64

Profoundly funny tweet #6065578399 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 59

Tonight, we're having turkey and 'turkurkey', which is turkey made entirely of turkey. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 59

A spider crawled across the floor. I called my 9yo in from the next room to kill it because I couldn't reach it while standing on my chair. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 59

Happy "(Delete Browser History And Caches) OK Now You Can Use My Laptop" Day @biorhythmist (matt) – 53

Happy Thanksgiving, America! If you are American, stop reading now. Ok, the tryptophan has kicked in. Let's go play with their toys! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

At a loss for gratitude? Consider that you have a computer, web access, and the freedom to say ANYTHING you want. Then, maybe try again. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

The great thing about the battle against staying home and masturbating is that whatever happens, you're still a winner. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 48

Profoundly funny tweet #6072498480 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 46

I like my women the same way I like my coffee: Ground up and stored in the freezer. I MEAN HOT AND STRONG OR SOMETHING. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 163

This chick threw her drink in my face but I caught most of it in my mouth so it's like yay free cosmo I win I'm the winner here goddammit. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 115

They said that even if "Ass Pastor" had been spelled correctly on the tattoo, the job interview was over the moment I took my shirt off. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 94

What's so special about Canada? None of the other states get their own day. @poeks (Poeks) – 94

The Saudi flag has a sword. It practically says, "I will cut you." Canada's flag has a maple leaf. It says, "More syrup on your flapjacks?" @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 91

Profoundly funny tweet #2425341089 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 80

There's a thin line between hipster and hobo. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79

If I can't lay out on the patio and get an ass tan without the Applebee's waiter screaming, then I'm certainly not paying for this mojito. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 79

In honour of Canada Day, rocque with your cocque out. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 71

Tonight I ate prime rib and went to Home Depot. My man stock has never been higher. Sell, sell, sell. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

Wife: "Say you have a crooked penis and you peed on your face." Me: "But I don't have a crooked penis!" Wife: "They don't know that." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 67

As the old saying goes, "You can't unfuck a monkey." @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 67

Happy Canada Day to my wife and to the half of each of my children that I love very slightly less. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 66

Profoundly funny tweet #2413903725 (?) @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 63

July is named after Jules Verne, the man who invented the Orange Julius. #twitterpedia @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

Nothing echoes louder than flatulence in the ladies room at work. (I saw your shoes, Denise. I know it was you.) @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 63

OMG, you guys! The baby used the litter box! @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 62

Washington isn't "out of touch" with America. We adore "John and Kate," shooting stuff, football, or whatever it is you people do out there. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

In honour of Canada Day, I apologise. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Blue blazer, button-down shirt, tie, and khakis. I am the sartorial equivalent of Times New Roman 12. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 112

When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. Because that doesn't work. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 87

You'll all be so embarrassed when you find out unicorns are total dicks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 77

Do these bed sores make my ass look like it needs to get a fucking job? @poeks (Poeks) – 77

I'm finally caught up on Twitter, Tumblr, Google Reader, and email, but now my legs are asleep and someone keeps banging on the stall door. @tj (TJ Luoma) – 76

Insomniac sheep: "Me... me... me... me... me... me... me... me... me... me... *sigh*... me... me... me..." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 74

By 2:30AM, my writing starts resembling Decemberists lyrics. My last email reply ended up being about a bootblack, a fishwife and a sparrow. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 69

Nothing against Harley-Davison guys but we get it; you have very loud penises. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 68

Inadvertently invented the Kobayashi Maru of sex acts this morning. It was a no-win scenario for everyone involved. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 61

Don't think of it as leering, lady. Consider yourself imagiboned. Then thank me. For the imagiboning of your life. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 60

Real men probably don't run from dandelion fluff. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

If you put the word "birthing" before any noun it instantly becomes disgusting. Try it: Birthing chair. Birthing trowel. Birthing cupcakes. @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 58

My son is clearly the best dancer on the soccer field tonight. @apelad (Adam Koford) – 57

If everyone in Iraq held hands at the same time, all those amputees we made would feel really left out. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55

I try to improve the life of one starving child in Africa and now I need to stay at least 500 yards away from Madonna at all times. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

I'm not a racist. I have a friend who's Canadian. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 53

My wife asked me to install Windows so she can use MSPublisher. Related: I changed my Facebook relationship status to "She's Dead To Me." @tj (TJ Luoma) – 53

If you think being pussy-whipped sounds bad, you need to think outside the box. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

Birdhouse Zero™. @gruber (John Gruber) – 50