#bcompton

1933: My grandfather kills a stag with his bare hands. 2009: I eat a whole thing of cookie dough and fall asleep on the toilet. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 171

We hate what we do not understand. I'm not really sure what that phrase means, but it's a stupid whore. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 116

I like to poop with the door open, but it makes it hard to drive. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 104

"I have something to tell you, Dad," my son whispers as I buckle him into his carseat. "Guess who has two pairs of underwear on?" He smiles. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 96

Doctor: "While you're on this medication, you'll need to use an alternate form of birth control." Me: "Other than my personality?" @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 90

You know that amazing scene in Entourage when just kidding. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 84

Show me on my penis where the bad man touched you. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 82

Life is so short. Get in there and live it. Write a bible. Invent a new kind of ham. Retweet something you don't fully comprehend. @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 81

"I think I've seen this episode of The Nanny before" would make for a pretty succinct suicide note. @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 74

Unbelievable. Starbucks made me pay AGAIN for the exact same coffee I just paid for YESTERDAY. Please RT. @gruber (John Gruber) – 74

Being an observational comic in the 17th century must have been hard: Comedian: "What's the deal with Puritans?" Heckler: "HE'S A WITCH!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 72

Now Dennis Hopper has been hospitalized. Not a great week for people who have been in Jack Nicholson's hot tub. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 72

After eating half a box of cereal for breakfast, my blood type is now BooBerry. And clinical depression. But mainly BooBerry. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 67

I'm pretty sure kettle chips are just burnt, deformed chips nobody would buy unless they cost more. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 65

Why didn't any of you tell me that a kitten is like having a baby animal in the house? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

You know what this traffic needs? A dragon. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 61

Oh no! I've offended Canadian politicians! They're gonna come over and be ineffectual! They're gonna be ineffectual IN MY FACE! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 61

"Send a landing party down to Zyrtec." "Ask your doctor about Tattooine." Pharmaceuticals use the same part of our brain as fake planets. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 60

Jon Gosselin's new rap music video, "Doin' Just Fine, Since I Dumped My Nine" is one of the best videos of all time! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 59

Finally, people on the internet are talking about me. Let's see my mother-in-law look disappointed now. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 187

Thanks for the birthday wishes, everyone, but all this attention is making me uncomfortable. Please favorite and retweet this. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 91

It's 9:00 and I'm going to bed with my wife AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I have to watch the small tv. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 80

Profoundly funny tweet #2164534225 (?) @awryone (Unavailable) – 63

I'm writing on my iPhone. I just got a latté at the farmers' market. When the revolution comes, they can use this tweet at my show trial. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 55

I'll be off the grid and unable to tweet because I'll be at a 3 day retreat for a seminar called "staying connected through social media". @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 54

How to make an omelet. 1) Get an egg. 2) Draw a smileyface on the egg. 3) Name it Eggy. 4) Eggy and I are getting engaged!! @myracles (myr) – 52

Profoundly funny tweet #2159397801 (?) @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 49

We made it back to town without a major incident. We lost one child to Gypsies but luckily it was the one that nobody liked. @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 43

Profoundly funny tweet #2168106558 (?) @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #2169979132 (?) @zolora (Unavailable) – 41

The ironic slow clap does not work at a baseball game. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 41

Celebrating the last night in my thirties the traditional way. By wishing I wasn't. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 38

Profoundly funny tweet #2164479611 (?) @CranberryPerson (Unavailable) – 34

I'll be back in a couple of days. If my mom calls, tell her I'm... Oh, who am I kidding? We both know she'd be calling for you. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 34

Yesss! I found a beer from last weekend! Shit's about to get crazy! I bet I'll wake up tomorrow and not remember which chapter I read up to! @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 34

I scheduled my photo blog to auto-post a satellite view of Manhattan just as my plane landed at LaGuardia. It's amazing I'm not a virgin. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 34

I just ate a McGriddle and drank a large McCafe iced coffee, so I should be enjoying my first McAneurysm before lunch. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 34

I'm preparing for Father's Day by getting fat on the couch, growing ear hair and can you look at this weird mole on my back? @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 33

At some point, each and every one of these people had to say to themselves "You know, I think I'll start carrying around a tiny dog." @Remiel (Gabriel) – 68

Adulthood ultimately means becoming a hypocrite on your own terms. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 66

Words which I have been informed should not be used to describe bowel movements: "bourgeois", "effervescent", "hometown favorite". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 62

Woke up this morning to find my son doing Sudoku puzzles while listening to NPR. This bodes poorly for the NFL career I chose for him. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 53

I want to order a latte from my iPhone but my entire village got dysentery from a tainted water supply. Haha, total third world problem. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 49

To funeral home lady: "Guess I'm kinda a buddhist. To me, this thing's a meat bag; once the battery dies, just cut me up for bait. Go nuts." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 46

Fact: Boats are called "she" because they protect cargo like a mother and wouldn't mind you getting off your fat ass to help sometimes. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 46

I love pawing through Easter grass in search of the uneaten black jelly beans. Makes me feel like a baboon searching his mate for parasites. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 46

Jesus died for your Peeps. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 46

I’m hoping the resurgent fail whale is an “Are the new people gone yet?” trick. @gruber (John Gruber) – 45

Brown Fox: Look at that dog lying there. Grey Fox: So lazy. Brown Fox: Think I can jump him? Grey Fox: Totally, but be quick. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 44

Oh, I can find a way to make fun of you for liking something I also like. Trust me. This is the internet. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 44

I just got a text message that read, "ASS FOUNTAIN." I hope I'm not a spy or something. I don't like the sound of this mission. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 43

If you have to ask your doctor if you're healthy enough for sexual activity, the answer is probably no. Save the co-pay. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43

Well, hellooo, sexy homepage music. This is one high-end site. Let me just shut my office door, unzip my pants, and read your annual report. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 43

Based on the trending topics, I think Jesus got voted off American Idol. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42

Seder?! I hardly even oh forget it. @Moltz (Moltz) – 41

Comp Sci majors have no problem understanding things like infinite set theory, yet can't seem to comprehend the Every Other Urinal rule. @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 40

"Sometimes I buy a latte and don't take a cardboard sleeve just so I can feel something. Anything."rThis performace review just got awkward. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 39

Apparently, there are 2 kinds of commenters on the web. Those who see comments as a platform for anonymous, drive-by illiteracy; and first. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 83

It's amazing how much material some of you guys can squeeze out of twitter being slow. It's like the War and Peace of Shut The Fuck Up. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 74

Evidence suggests if Twitter worked perfectly a sizeable percentage of users would have NOTHING TO SAY. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

Lotta people use "surreal" like my Mom uses, "interesting." Except, they mean "I didn't get that joke," and she means "Those guys look gay." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 58

It's weird how pro-family groups go after people with families instead of attacking, like, orphans. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54

Ladies, you don't have to hate other women just to make men like you. Honest. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54

An itinerant preacher ran afoul of authorities in a Mediterranean province of a long-dead empire. So. Chocolate bunnies for everyone, then. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52

"You ready to Karate?" "I'm ready to Karate." "Let's Karate the shit out of this motherfucker." "Consider it Karated." - internal dialogue @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 49

First they came for the #tcot people, and I did not speak up, because they are idiots, and I wanted ice cream. It was a pretty good day. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 47

Damn you, brilliant Tweet whose wording cannot be made... wait, who I cannot... the wording correctly... whose doing... oh, screw it. @katefeetie (Katie Rose) – 43

Yo momma so recursive, when she looked up fractal in the dictionary there was a picture of her looking up fractal in the dictionary. @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 41

Her friend was let go from Hooters; for good this time. I've never been to a Hooters but it probably sucks to know that you failed there. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 41

A @comcast bot says to use my dead cable to visit their site I can't login to. I'm now experiencing a higher than normal volume of stabby. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 40

At least I know that someday I'll make a dozen cats very happy. @Aimee_B_Loved (Aimee B) – 40

I would like to see more concessions before America normalizes relations with Cuba Gooding, Jr. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 39

I have been asked to speak at the Optimist Club today. Now I know how an atheist feels in church. @hoosiergirl (hoosiergirl) – 38

Have you ever gotten so carried away by a project that it scares you a bit? I've been sewing all night and made a little vest for a pear. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 38

The second cup of coffee is always the cutest. Look at him, trying so hard. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 38

This burrito is leaking, or maybe it's foreshadowing. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 37

If you're choking and the waiter gives you the Heimlich maneuver and your wedding ring pops out onto the table, the date's pretty much over. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 75

Well, I brought the noise, but I'm having the funk catered. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 61

I love that you guys like doing these memes and having fun on twitter, but I'm sad that I can't punch you all in the face when you do. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 57

"I told my bf I don't want anything for Valentine's just to see if he'd get me something anyway." This is why we can't have nice boys. @superfantastic (superfantastic) – 56

Her: "I like your necklace." Me: "Thanks!" Her: "Are those real?" Me: "...The plastic beads?" Her: "Yeah." Me: "...Yes." Her: "Cool." @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 51

I bet if we made tiny pigeon saddles, squirrels would RULE THE SKY. Maybe that's not a good idea. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 48

Thought I heard the people downstairs doin' it, but it was really just the cat breathing oddly. Fine, but I'm still turned on. @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 46

Odd how people who come in to work sick are celebrated like martyrs when they should be treated like terrorists wielding biological weapons @nictate (nictate ) – 45

I bet everything gets voted down in horse committees. (Wait for it...) "The neighs have it." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44

A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, and my libido walk into a bar. Confused, the bartender turns out the lights. "Less dangerous," he thinks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Whenever I get in the shower, I marvel at all the girly bath products my wife has. Then I grab my cleaning rock and bash myself clean. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 55

I got 99 problems, and bitches are problems 2, 7, 44, and 79-90. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 53

"I just wanted to surprise you." "You never surprise a man in the nuts." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 51

All day long I've been resisting the urge to make a gratuitous, unfunny REO Speedwagon reference. But I can't fight this feeling anymore. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 47

So nice to have him home, snuggling all morning in bed, the big spoon to my little spoon and OH MY GOD STOP BREATHING ON ME. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 42

Adding "Go out on a Saturday night" to my bucket list. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 42

Hard to get to sleep with the tweet-up tomorrow. Always keyed up right before I meet new people. I calm down after I get them in the van. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 37

Showed off some of my basketball skills to the kids today. The highlight was when I drained a 3-pointer mid heart attack. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 36

I missed my appointment to get "SHRUG LIFE" tattooed across my shoulder blades, but whatever. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 55

Every time a church cancels service because of snow, God convinces a straight guy in college to experiment with dude-kissin'. @bcompton (Doom Nibbler) – 47

She's no Mike Tyson, but you should see her box. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 44

Years of being told Caps Lock is childish and immature. And then comes Twitter. WHO'S CHILDISH AND IMMATURE NOW? LOOK AT MY BUM! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 41

Hey, let's make our secret CIA names for fun! You take your social security number and add your mother's maiden name. Then send it to me! @nick (Nick Douglas) – 40

Extra-strength Immodium and a box of Magnums? Madame, I envy the sexy night you've got planned. @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 39

I'LL GIVE YOU MY CAPS LOCK WHEN YOU PRY IT FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 36

I'm banned from being a scout-master ever since I created that 'Merit-badge Making' merit-badge and those kids got sucked into a black hole. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 36

Sometimes I call my mom from the bathroom just to tell her I'm on the shitter. I can't believe she let me live to adulthood. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 35