#tony_d

If I pay for my wife's implants, will I get visitation rights when we get divorced? I just want weekends and holidays. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 105

The scariest movie monster has to be the Invisible Man. Because he's a naked man. And he might be sitting on your sofa. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

The Miami helmet has a dolphin on it wearing a helmet with an M on it. That bothers me on many levels. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

My three year old just brought me a beer without me even asking, which TOTALLY makes up for the prior 1205 days that he didn't. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 71

I have an uncanny ability to steer clear of potentially awkward situations. I call it "clairvoidance". @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 70

Looking up at the stars, I feel so small, so insignificant. I guess I'll go inside and make my kid shine my shoes. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 67

This weather is so disgusting I'm surprised it's not at a party right now hanging all over Jon Gosselin. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61

Someone on Twitter named her cat after me. This must be how John Stamos feels when a cat gets named "John Stamos." @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 57

I would refill the baby's water dish, but it's all the way in the kitchen and this couch doesn't reach that far. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 56

Profoundly funny tweet #4821747176 (?) @Trick_or_tweet (Unavailable) – 53

Madam, if you can't look happy buying a handle of generic vodka in your jammies at 3 in the afternoon, then maybe you need better vodka. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 52

JAVA DEV 1: This looks like SHIT. JAVA DEV 2: I know! Like a Java app. JD1: Hey! JD2: Really? JD1: No, no, you're right; we make bad things. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50

I can't get a word in edgewise. Not that I have anything coherent to say anyway. At the dinner table, I'm a lot like the Democratic Party. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 49

I don't have male pattern baldness, but looks can be receding. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 49

Obama and the Democrats are now sending so many emails, I half expect the next one to say "Hey, Joe, we added you to our mafia family..." @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 49

Having a girlfriend really interferes with my natural ability to do everything the wrong way. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 49

Sometimes nothing makes me feel better than spooning with my dog. Especially at times like this, when Mattress Warehouse is so crowded. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 48

Somewhere there's an ad agency brief for Jameson, and next to the words "Target Demographic," there's a picture of me in my underpants. @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 47

And we're married now so I won't ever do that other thing ever again. Here, have some cufflinks. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 47

Abercrombie-ish hot guy was actually hitting on me until I used the word "album". May as well have said "daguerreotype". Or "literacy". @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 86

The worst has passed. Hurricane Bill has moved on. I may have been a tad hasty in slaughtering my neighbors and feasting on their flesh. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73

"So, I was, like.." is the new "once upon a time.." @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 72

They're raising the 10-yr budget deficit to $9 trillion. I say we round up to $10 trillion and buy ourselves something nice. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

If Burger King's fries were any shittier, they'd have chunks of corn in them. @tj (Fun Size Bytes) – 56

Oh, yipee... they've got the KissCam on in the stadium. Yawn. Wake me when the FellateCam is on. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 50

Filing a motion to impeach my pants. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

The convenient part of loneliness is that nobody is there to see you deal with it. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 50

Profoundly funny tweet #3493328959 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 49

The only way I could drink more coffee this morning is if there was more coffee. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

In a perfect world, you wouldn't judge me for drinking already and I wouldn't have to use a cat to dry my tears. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49

I've never seen Jesus. But, I've seen Keith Richards, twice. Once, in concert. And, just now, in the wrinkles of my nutsatchel. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45

You know, those sticky roller things are quite effective at picking up Dorito dust from your bare torso. I hear. @biorhythmist (matt) – 42

One in three Americans weigh as much as the other two. @ian_Wright (Ian Wright) – 41

A show I'd watch: Man vs. Gene Wilder. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40

Business Idea: A little store named Awkward Express. You come in, we measure your inseam. That's it. And then you leave. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 39

Profoundly funny tweet #3501535411 (?) @nonsequiturific (Unavailable) – 38

I may not be as showered as some would like. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 37

Each week we play the game where she asks if I need anything from the grocery store, and I go "um..." for 30 minutes and then say "cookies." @dwineman (Dan Wineman) – 36

Passive-aggression: Because it's fine. No. Really. It's fine. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 119

The 12-14lb. weight marked on a diaper refers to the size of the baby, not how much it can hold. Good to know. That explains a lot. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 73

I would get off the couch to help around the house, but I'm playing that game where the floor is made of lava and I don't want to die. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 67

I'm glad that professor and policeman are meeting Obama for a beer. Proves my theory that alcohol solves any problem. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 63

You know what this booze needs? Wait, I did that wrong.. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 61

The guy next door asked me to rub my genitals on his ankles. It seemed kind of weird, so I only did it for a little while. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 56

First Crow: "Caw!" Second Crow: "Caw!" First Crow: "Caw!" Third Crow: "Caw caw!" First and Second Crow: "Caw!" Ooo. Third crow got BURNED. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 54

Weird how no one tries to break into my house and kill me on the nights I'm not up watching horror movies. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 53

"Each condom is electronically tested." I'd love to tour Trojan's factory just to see the room where the robots fuck. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 52

I just ran fifteen miles, which is my unit of measurement for eating two pies. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 52

This weekend is going so fast. It's like a racecar driven by someone other than Danica Patrick. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

My love for Target has nothing to do with the fact that it's just Walmart with breast implants. @OverlandParker (Michael Pierce) – 48

why am I an athiest? beats me. ...I guess god just made me that way. @theduty (duty) – 46

If you can't be with the one you love, you could at least not shout out their name just this once. @biorhythmist (matt) – 46

You know what really pisses me off? Everything. Just like all girls. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 46

I don't think there is any way to get my grass cut before the rain starts, particularly because I don't feel like trying. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45

I've got a video camera, some catnip and a baby. I hope this wins America's Funniest Home Videos, because I'll need it to make bail. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 45

Ah, the circle of life. A baby's life begins, and I never get laid again. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 45

Stupid gym gawkers, laughing and pointing like they never seen a guy run on a treadmill with an erection before. @GPappalardo (Soap Box Liberal) – 43

Kids are like boobs - I don't have my own, but they're fun to play with. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 119

Thank you, Greatest Generation, for your bravery at D-Day. And best wishes for next week's digital transition. Godspeed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 71

I thought Nickelback was having a concert on my street, but it turned out to be my neighbor shouting over the sound of his wood-chipper. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 71

I bought gold bouillon instead of gold bullion. My investment portfolio is a shambles, but my soup is delicious. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 70

Thanks to Twitter, I no longer have to hold a press conference every time I eat a sandwich. That was a drag. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

Noticing that your neighbor got a boob job is something you shouldn't bring up in conversation with your wife. Well, they felt fake to me. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, because this is the shitty future and apples didn't get jet-packs either. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 55

Take it from me. If you want a beautiful lawn, the first step is hating your family. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 54

If I investigated sex crimes, I'd always start by questioning the guy in Adidas shower sandals. Because this job's all about instinct. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 54

USPS package tracking has two states: 0. "What? Nope. Definitely never heard of it," and 1. "How about 'when-EV-er?' *Chill*, broham." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 50

The only thing worse than waking up and thinking your roommate *really* needs a shower is realizing that you don't have a roommate. @tj (TJ Luoma) – 48

A Canadian in America. Day 1 (cont'd). To quell the pangs, every time I want to apologize I say, "THAT'S SO RAVEN!" The charade continues. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 47

Q: How many bicycle gears does it take to change a hipster? A: He roasts his own coffee beans at home. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 46

After this, my 3,000th tweet, I'll be offering nothing but trenchant political analysis. Just kidding. 3,000 tweets! Off to Jiffy Lube. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 43

The trick to parenting is to get drunk before the other parent does. I won. She's at work. @lukeinvan (living in a van) – 43

So if I eat something called a "slider", that refers to how it slides down my throat- Oh no. Oh dear god no. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

Fuck you, Pixar, for making me cry in a theater full of confused children and an even more bewildered boyfriend. (Again.) @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 40

Some things are like fine wine and need to age. Others are like cheap wine, so finish quickly. If everything seems like wine, get a sponsor. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 39

Twitter maintenance on a Friday night? They really haven't been listening if they think we won't notice because we're all out having a life. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 38

Neighborhood kids just mowed my lawn and all I gave them was porn. LOL!! Just kidding! I *loaned* them the porn. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 73

Oh sure, a guy in NJ robs a store while wearing a Snuggie and now I can't go anywhere without people looking at me weird. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 68

Just had to turn the volume up because the crunching of these nachos was drowning out "Tron". LADIES. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 66

There are 11,455 confirmed cases of free Coldplay album downloads. Two dead. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

Things I learn from infomercials: everything is 10x more difficult when you do it in black and white. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 61

It appears the swine flu virus has mutated into free Coldplay album downloads. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61

Don't know which amazes me more: that my older daughter is such a good kid or that I still keep in touch with the gypsies I sold her to. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 56

A Mini Cooper cut me off. That jerk is clearly undercompensating for something, if you know what I mean. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

One day there will be a dance craze that requires biting your lower lip. And white guys will *still* look stupid doing it. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Seated next to med student who wants to be a surgeon and his girlfriend. Every thing he says rhymes with "I'm a narcissistic asshole." @tj (TJ Luoma) – 48

I'm standing in a crowded men's room. My daughter is in a stall loudly humming Vivaldi's "Four Seasons." Thanks, Little Einsteins. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 48

No matter what the song says, never shake your moneymaker. You could damage the hard drive. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 45

when life gives you lasers, make pew pew pews! @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #1812555554 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 41

It's always brightest before the stupid. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 40

My horoscope was right. I just startled a duck. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 39

At Jersey Turnpike rest stops, keep in mind: Sbarro Pizza may cause sbstantial sffering. Sbway is a good, though not a sblime, sbstitute. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 38

Whichever one of you degenerates told me I could find the Obama "fist bump" picture by Googling "fisting", I will find you, and hurt you. @tj (TJ Luoma) – 37

One thing that'd make me happier than this weight loss show is SOMEONE getting off her lazy ass to bring me a pizza. Don't sass me, newborn. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 36

Rest of the world: Happy Labor Day. Enjoy your 3-day weekend and your free healthcare. Americans: Happy May 1st. Get the fuck back to work. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 104

For the first time, my boy just told me that he loved me. No, there's nothing in my eye. I'm crying. @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 71

Baristas must think I'm a curt, brusque, inarticulate, poorly socialized person. Alas, they will never know me after I've had my coffee. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 71

My new book is "After the Colon: How to Work Ridiculously Long Descriptions of a Book's Content Into Its Subtitle for No Good Reason At All" @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 69

I have reached a level of exhaustion usually reserved for people who stand up and/or move around during the day. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 62

Mixing metaphors is more fun than a barrel of squeaky penises. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Each person in Manhattan is starring in a slightly different film about everybody trying to screw them over. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 56

I told this chick I was gonna rock her Casbah and she called Homeland Security!!! Just kidding I am terrified of women. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 47

An 8 year old Saudi girl has been granted a divorce from her 50 year old husband due to irreconciable creepiness. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

You kiss your mama with that haircut? @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 47

Look at me! I wear big boy pants! I have a computer! I sit in a cubicle! I talk too loud on the phone! I bang my mouse when I get mad! @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 46

It's never a good idea to eat and watch "Bones" at the same time. Especially if you're eating a charred human face. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 46

Never take candy from strangers. Only sickos don't eat it all themselves. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 44

My Time Travel Dream: "Guys! I invented a new feature for electronic mail! I call it 'Reply All'!" [I step through time portal.] *punch* @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

I think I'd make a great Supreme Court justice. For starters, I've always liked the idea of wearing a robe to work. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 43

"Did you just make gross-face at me?" "No, that was sweet-guitar-solo-face." @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 41

My power animal is an unemployed alcoholic. @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 40

*ding* Ninth Level of Hell! Last stop! Traitors and people who sing 'Paradise by the Dashboard Light' at karaoke! Everybody out! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 40

Profoundly funny tweet #1667013370 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 40

RT @Salmon RT @Naasson RT @Aminadab RT @Aram RT @Esrom RT @Phares RT @Judas RT @Jacob RT @Isaac RT @Abraham "You want me to do what, God?" @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 104

Lazy Twitter: Is "fucknugget" hyphenated? I've got some cars to key and I don't want to look silly. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79

Wife: "No, honey. You are attractive. I wouldn't have married you if you weren't. I'm really that vain." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64

That jerk got what was coming to him. If I knew the German word for "schadenfreude", I'd use it here. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 59

1. Forget whether I rinsed off soap in shower. 2. Rinse. 3. Repeat 5 times. 4. Exit shower never having applied soap. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

If foreplay is my wife accidentally touching my balls when trying to push me away because I'm humping her leg, then consider me turned on. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

It's sad that kids today have no idea that Prince was once known as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 58

NARROWLY missed running over a deer and a crow this morning, both of which looked suspiciously like they were not adequately insured. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

Another email newsletter from that hotel I stayed at once. Cancel my appointments, I have reading to do. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

Good thing you got your looks from your mom. We're not sure who your dad is but c'mon, have you ever seen a handsome crackhead? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 48

When pigs fly we'll all need stronger windshield wipers. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 46

Profoundly funny tweet #1644183007 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 46

Missed Connex: Me, braless, getting mail. You, holding a box of kittens, human shit on your pants. You said "I love you". Let's make it work @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 45

Say what you will about MOO cards, but they've done wonders for the tiny wallet industry. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 45

Sweetness ends every one of our calls with "I love you. Go get a fucking job." Now that's love. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 43

My disporportionately attractive, smart, kind hearted, sexy, successful and hot wife says she'd like to read my tweets more. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 43

If you insist on repeating "my son is abroad" over and over, I will insist on pretending he's now a girl. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 42

If you don't blurt it out on Twitter, how will everyone know how brilliant you feel? @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 41

Oliver Stone is planning a sequel to "Wall Street". Because there's never been a better time to slam capitalism for a buck. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 41

You guys are hard on Ashton, but he's showing thousands of simple folks how to ruin things they half-understand with nothing but raw tedium. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 88

If you believe in "intelligent design," isn't your faith shaken every time you cut a pineapple? Because that's some crap design right there. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 79

My older brother came home from the monastery and asked me to hang onto his notebooks. I am my Trappist brother's Trapper Keeper keeper. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 74

The genius of Twitter: you pick who you follow, so every illiterate in the world can join (and they are) and it doesn't change your stream. @gruber (John Gruber) – 72

Seriously, guys. I am so in love with my new daughter. Who knew that 14 seconds of sex could turn out so amazing? @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 71

When is the last time I actually used my sneakers for sneaking? Being a grownup sucks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

I wish I could measure how much of my life has passed me by while I played with my iPhone. Maybe there's an app for that. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 67

You know, some days... I just want less cowbell. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

Todd gets email from coworker: "Someone lost a brown sidekick. If you find it, please return it to me." So he sent her a picture of Tonto. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 50

The best thing about having children is blaming farts on them. Just kidding, that's what pets are for. There's nothing good about children. @weselec (Shane Cyr) – 47

Weird part about being a parent isn't that I'm living all the clichés I ever hated; I'm just startled by how much I'm enjoying them. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 47

The sign at a local church reads, "God wants full custody; not just weekend visitation!" So apparently God wants to break up now. Dick. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 47

Meant to buy 1 domain at GoDaddy; receipt also shows 3 yachts, a skank in a tanktop, and 11 yrs of "WebPlus+ Turbo SomethingSomething™." @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 47

Although they have the same physical properties as the female version, manboobs retain almost none of the sexiness. Almost. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 46

Over-population would be solved if they just outlawed Axe body spray. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 46

Woke up in a terrible mood, so it's time for Angry Yoga. I am going to salute that motherfucking sun so hard. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 44

Socialist airport: long lines, rude personnel. Capitalist airport: long lines, rude personnel, Cunnabon and Brookstone. That typo stays. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 42

Profoundly funny tweet #1548839087 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 41

Put that in your trucker hat and punk it. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 40