#zolora

Obama says he doesn't tweet because his thumbs are too clumsy. Which is a polite way of saying he has a real job. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 154

Profoundly funny tweet #5750649539 (?) @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 132

I think the most exciting part of sex is when I turn on the light and the couple finally sees me. @plaid_lemur (Nick Alias Plemur) – 111

Can anyone recommend a therapist who won't "freak out" when you get naked and cuddle with them like you do with your uncle? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 99

I wonder if turtles ever get confused while pooping and squeeze their heads off. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79

Out-of-context phrase your wife can say while on the phone with her mother that can make you pay attention: "Marriage of convenience" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 77

I think it's pretty clear who wears the pants in this family, though be it reluctantly and only because my wife tells me I have to. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 77

I've heard you can dip a nipple in whiskey to soothe a colicky baby. Mine's pretty hairy, but it's worth a shot. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 75

Drove through Real America today. Those people like their Jesus, and have trouble avoiding animals on the freeway. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 70

ATM machine - Machine that makes ATMs. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 66

If Life hands you a bowl of lemons, you look it right in the eye and say, “Fuck you, Life. I’m not your lemonade Wench.” @Beef_Tongue (Squalid Thoughts) – 61

Yes, fat girls need love too, but more importantly; fat girls need FOOD. Write that down. @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 60

I don't see race. That's why I don't like NASCAR. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 59

Caveman advertising: COME THAG'S ROCK EMPORIUM. OUR ROCKS ARE ROCKIEST. YOU FIND BETTER ROCKS, ME SMASH YOU IN HEAD WITH ROCK. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 58

The neighbor called the cops on me because he was so jealous of my new lawnmower and how good I look pushing it, wearing nothing but gloves. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 58

Do not combine a dash & a colon. It will open a portal to the Lost Tomb of Colonel McCormick. Also, it looks like a tiny dong. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 55

OK, just one thing left to do on the pre-move checklist: "Put everything we own into cardboard boxes." @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 55

"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit." @shitmydadsays (Justin) – 53

To reduce the risk of people talking to me, I like to carry around a cover of "Dianetics" to place over the books that I read on the bus. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 51

"Dad, are angels real?" "Yep." "They're watching over us?" "Every minute of every goddamn day." "Dad, I'm scared." "Me too, champ. Me too." @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 172

Flirted with a cute CVS cashier. My smile said "I'm available." The triple pack of maxi pads I bought said "I'm not pregnant." Nailed it. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 162

You say: "You spend too much time online!" I hear: "I have a Hotmail account!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 120

Kirstie Alley is set to star in a weight loss reality show. It's scheduled to run every other year for the next ten years. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 109

I still think of you whenever I smell old books or hear babies crying or get kicked in the nuts or see you on Girls Gone Wild. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 100

At this very moment there are a million homophobic Yankee fans singing along to Freddy Mercury, and that irony comforts me. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 92

I chose advertising to avoid math in school. I'm 80% sure I chose correctly, but I do sometimes ponder that other third. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 89

A young boy: "If we get a dog I promise I'll take care of him!" A grown man: "I'll vacuum all the time if we get a Dyson!" Lies. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 87

"Maybe all the people in Darfur should just move to Darfive." - My son, future twitter user. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 84

Rooting for the Yankees because I love a good riches-to-riches story. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 84

I'm the man of the house and I'll raise my hand to speak when my wife says I can. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 83

Call it creepy if you want, but if I don't wear this clown mask and diapers, the guy outside my window takes forever to finish masturbating. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 77

I don't have an Aunt Flow. I have an Aunt OH-FUCK-OH-FUCK-THIS-HURTS-SO-MUCH-BLOOD-BLOOD-FUUUUUUCK. @damselesque (Beth) – 70

I'm pretty sure if it's still in a wrapper, it can't be considered a "lucky" condom. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62

If X < Y, where X = the number of days until my kids get sick of nuggets, & Y = the number of days my wife has the flu, then I = in trouble. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 62

Jonas: "The Yankees are SO going to win." This game is so divisive I almost told my five year-old to "go fuck himself". @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 60

Son: I were eating— Me: I *was* eating. Son: You was eating? Me: You *were* eating.” Son: Who? Bud Abbott: Both of you shut the hell up. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 60

These beer cans are supposed to change when they're drinkable, but I think mine are defective, after 2 hours they still say Coors Light. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 58

You can't choose your family, but you can choose the mannequins you get to play them in your basement diorama. @FriedWords (Derek) – 55

I'm growing facial hair in November to raise awareness for how creepy I can look. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 125

The fact I have a 64 pack of crayons and *still* have to go to work is a crime against humanity. IT HAS THE SHARPENER IN THE THE BACK. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 99

A conference call is like a bus ride. I want it to end as quickly as possible, preferably with nobody talking to me. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 96

If you say "it is what it is" one more fucking time, I'm going to shove a sartre so far up your camus you'll have to wear a kierkegaard. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 90

I better not hear any Christmas music at the mall tomorrow. If I do, so help me, I will bop my head and sing along with such anger. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 85

iPhone App Approval Manual: 1. If the app floats it's a witch. Kill it; 2. If the app sinks it's not a witch. Kill it; 3. Titties are fine. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 84

There are recipes on cartons of Whoppers. I repeat: RECIPES. THERE ARE FOODS OF WHICH CHOCOLATE COVERED MALT BALLS ARE MERELY A COMPONENT. @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 74

Hey nerds: 1) Make a blog that's just pictures of your muscles. 2) Buy a dumptruck to carry all the poon you're gonna get. 3) And I'm out. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 73

My wife and kids are getting the H1N1 vaccine so I'm out picking up shotgun shells in case they "turn". @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 71

Brevity is the soul of wit. Which explains the chuckles in bed. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

You know who sucks? Aggressive drivers. And cowardly drivers. And slow drivers. And drivers who are not me. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 65

After I exfoliate, I'm going to have a latte and maybe drive a little faster than the speed limit, because I'm a man, I think. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

"I've got an appointment with the world's oldest gynecologist." "You mean a gynosaur?" "I hate you." @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 58

Ugh. If there's anything I hate more than Sports, it's probably some other Huey Lewis album. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 57

At first I didn't believe the next building was on fire. I mean, I didn't hear it on Twitter first, so how could it be true? @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 54

I always forget the difference between "succubus" and "incubus". Succubi hang *down* from the roof of caves, and incubi stick *up*, right? @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 51

"Buggy jockey" is an insulting term to the Amish and should only be used in the online edition. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 50

Wife: "Did you honestly eat all your kids Halloween candy?" Me: "Can you repeat the question without the word 'honestly'?" @lukeinvan (Vancouver's Luke) – 50

Replace "situation deteriorated/worsened" with "shit [just] got real." Ex: On day three of the hostage crisis, shit got real. @FakeAPStylebook (Fake AP Stylebook) – 48

Is that a banana in your pocket or are the fruit flies indicative of an even more alarming problem? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 108

A U.S. destroyer is tracking a North Korean freighter in the South China Sea. The North Koreans craftily placed it at F10, G10 and H10. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 106

Coffee: "Ha! I'm on your pants!" Me: "Ha! I'm not wearing pants!" Coffee: "Ha! I'm scalding hot!" Me: "Ha! I look fetching in blisters!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 94

I really want a signature scent. Anyone know of a perfume that captures the essence of wasted potential? And lilacs? @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 89

I apparently draw the line at going to the store and paying money for a Klondike Bar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 83

Whenever my wife tries to wake me up in the night to get the baby, I tell her she needs to practice for when she's a single mother. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 81

Internet and cable down. I have no idea which celebrities are still alive! @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 81

Overheard in Starbucks: —Does The New York Times print *every* day? —Yes, of course. —Oh my god, why would they do that? @gruber (John Gruber) – 71

They say one of the perks of home ownership is the swell of pride you feel maintaining your own lawn. They lie. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

Ninth World Problem: "I'm not a planet?! YOU'RE not a planet. Gaywads." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

Is that a banana in your burka or are you going to blow us all up? @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 66

Profoundly funny tweet #2359644286 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 63

I thought you were just kidding about Michael Jackson being dead, but the 8 days of coverage in the 2 days he's been dead has convinced me. @Moltz (Moltz) – 63

If only there were some way to know if I'm a smug cunt. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

Playing a doubleheader on a hot day sounds exhausting. What do baseball players think about when they need to last longer? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 57

Once, they shocked the older generation with "Make Love, Not War." Now, they alarm the younger generation with "Are You On Facebook Too?" @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 55

That Jehovah's Witness really didn't hold up well under cross-examination. And I'm no Sam Waterston either. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 52

What part of 'La vérité vaut bien qu'on passe quelques années sans la trouver' do you not understand? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

I love my wife. She brought me coffee in bed. And said "This is all you're getting unless you want to suck up what I spilled on the stairs". @Moltz (Moltz) – 48

What Ahmadinejad needs right now is Katherine Harris, some hanging chads and Chief Justice Rehnquist. Oh yeah, and a totally docile public. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 134

It's sad when parents put their kids on that leash thing. Even sadder, though, when the kid lacks the smarts to start clotheslining people. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 107

You do have to say this about Mordor: at least it's a dry heat. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 84

Dropped the boy off at summer camp and got a little emotional. I think the Germans call this emotion schadenfreude. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 82

I wish I could use my electric razor without worrying that my roommate's wondering what I'm up to. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 77

There are no atheists in foxholes or firmware updates. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 73

No, Officer. I was *not* texting while driving. Does this crossbow look like a fucking cellphone? Can I go now? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 70

Profoundly funny tweet #2178015177 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 66

How do you tell a friend his girlfriend is awful? I mean, besides a passive-aggressive tweet. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 65

Science lesson from an 8-year-old: "If you smell my fart, that means molecules from my butt are in your nose." Class dismissed. @irreverend (Kim Lisagor) – 62

I don't want to set expectations too high, but so far today I've composed an email and photocopied my hand. Upper management, here I come. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 59

It's official, I have a mullet. I hope we can still be friends. If you need me I'll be over here dropping the g at the end of everythin. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 58

Me: I need to move, all I do is sleep, eat, and then run on my treadmill all day. Mom: So, you're a hamster. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 57

See, when you said you wanted a "friend with benefits", I assumed you meant a dental plan and paid vacation. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 56

Nice day to be outside and do a little people watching. Glad my neighbors left their curtains open. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

Well, I've still never operated an ACTUAL vagina, but surely I get some points for driving that Prius. @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 54

Facebook quizzes highlight the exact traits I hate in each of my friends. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 54

Me: "I love you mom." Mom: "Like a mule loves its wagon." This message brought to you by the makers of Menopause. @Yayaa (Yaya) – 53

Ahmadinejad's brother Jeb can't feel too good about his chances now. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 52

Good thing you beeped at me, Guy in Van, or I never would've realized how much I want to have sex with you. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 68

Working on a presentation called, "Productivity Meets Twitter." It has one slide so far. I think it's finished. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 66

To: Spring. From: Snow storm. Subject: SURPRISE BUTT SEX! Message: LOL!! PWND!!1! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 65

DANGER! DANGER! APPROACHING PROCRASTINATION LEVEL: GOOGLING-EX-GIRLFRIENDS! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63

I've been in more car accidents than I can count! Because the crash destroyed that part of my brain. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 53

A scene from a marriage. Wife: "Stop it." Me: "What? Stroking you?" Wife: "Yes. It's creepy." Me: "WHAT?" Wife: "I'm complicated." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 50

I almost smacked a girl for calling my dog ugly but she ran away before I could grab her. Oh sure, GO CRY TO YOUR PRESCHOOL TEACHER. Bitch. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 50

I'm sure it is a really good episode of CSI but it took me an hour and a whole thing of Gold Bond to get into this latex suit so PAUSE IT. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 50

The nurse would prefer that I not use my cell phone. I would prefer that she not listen to Regis or wear so much fucking eye shadow. Draw. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 48

Oh, sure. The stock market is shooting up now that I've converted my entire portfolio into a Subway footlong. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 48

Kicked off my day with a cadbury creme egg white omelette. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 44

Visiting the parents is great. All you have to do is say something like, "Oh, this economy..." and BAM! You're going home with a pineapple. @yowhatsthehaps (Sarah) – 39

How do I tell my cat that he's the reason I drink? @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 38

Gonna set the Roomba up with the washing machine, light a few candles, put on some D'Angelo, hope for something that folds laundry. @jimray (Jim Ray) – 37

Hundreds of dollars in lingerie and he gets humpy when I wear this ratty old race shirt from 1992. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 37

Many people at Whole Foods have a healthy, vibrant glow that says, "Hi. I've got no passions or interests. I have lots of time to exercise." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 36

Sometimes, I hit enter too fast and I know I have more to offer. r r I then sympathize with 16yo boys everywhere. @eoporto (Elizabeth Oporto) – 36

In the distance, I hear the junior high boys. And I sigh. They grow up so fast. So young. So douchy. So *very* douchy. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 35

The thing about getting older is that you realize there are way more embarrassing, cringe-worthy moments in your past than you thought. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 34