#ruthakers

That Indian dinner was so authentic I think I hate Pakistan. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 190

Superman wears a cape and underwear and everyone's all "yay" but I do it and you're like "don't ever touch my son again"? @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 162

The Iraqi shoe thrower had a shoe thrown at him today. Somewhere, George Bush is smiling. Because 'Curious George' is on. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 141

After we spend billions on security and good governance in Afghanistan, can we move there? You know, for the security and good governance? @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 106

Any man who cuts in front of a woman wearing sweats buying tampons, a bottle of vodka, Midol, and double stuff Oreos Doesn't Want To Live @ruthakers (ruthakers) – 82

I'll make you a deal. I will stop expressing my disinterest in what you have to say if you stop talking to me. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 79

Red condoms might help more than red fonts. The yellow ribbons didn't stop the killing. Or the green for Iran. Colors don't work. People do. @Beef_Tongue (Comic Dick Cheney) – 69

When you wake up and a cat is kneading your bum, are you supposed to tip? Or is it a scam? @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 69

In our Tempur-Pedic marriage, I am the bowling ball, and my wife is the glass of wine. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 68

I'm pretty sure Mensa hands out bumper stickers as a test. If you put it on your car, you fail. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 62

Why did the hipster cross the road? To tell the chicken that he totally crossed the road first. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 59

My abs are so firm, you could bounce a Quarter Pounder with Cheese off of them. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 58

I refuse to worry about wrinkles anymore. Besides, the botox I used on my scrotum burned and just made my balls look surprised all the time. @FriedWords (Derek) – 57

'Passive-aggressive' is just a way of saying you not only want to behave like an asshole, but you also want credit for being a saint. @debihope (Notorious d.e.b.) – 55

I suspect she'd make marginally more sense if she were named Lady Dada. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 55

I would tell my wife she makes a better door than a window, but I just saw her take a couple of Midol. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 55

I'm glad the ex-wife is raising our son vegan because sometimes I run out reasons for wanting to punch her in the face. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 54

Outfit by Victoria's Secret. Body by McDonald's. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 53

"Daddy, tell me about your first date with mommy." "Sure, son. We were at a bar... Hey, all you need to know is that it had a happy ending." @iamnotdiddy (iamnotdiddy™) – 53

Ruth losing her phone at the airport and crying while people stared at me like I had just beaten her

drinking roughly 20 beers Friday night and subsequently puking in Matt's shower the next morning

Jordan, AKA the Finger Tickler

Rachael's 2:00am comedic dissertation on Canadian government

Josh, drunk on bourbon, calling all manner of people "stupid assholes" and "dumb motherfuckers"

Stephen telling me how pretty I am

bedding Ruth two nights in a row

corn

Matt's gay pizza

Joe drinking a 5 Hour Energy at 2:30am

Lisa's nipple tassels

everybody pulling together and working as a team to prevent Amanda from making salsa

going to a movie with many awesome people