#sloganeerist

Canadians Shopping (Day-Before-Hurricane Edition): "You first!" "Oh no, I insist!" "No, I couldn't!" "GO FIRST OR I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

I'm glad they pushed Michael Jackson's funeral back another week because this whole thing has been feeling way too rushed. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 69

Cheap wine is for the birds. Related: CHIRP CHIRP I AM HAMMERED. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

Get thee behind me, Satan. Wouldst thou rub some of this sunblock on mine shoulders? Mmm, thy claws feel good. Oops, my top hath fallen off. @sloganeerist (jtdobbs) – 56

I'm not obsessive-compulsive, but this toilet paper roll is on backwards. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 43

I changed a baby's diaper today and she had a totally shaved vagina. What a country! @SarahKSilverman (Sarah Silverman) – 39

Who's got two thumbs and just sold his novel to Scribner's? Yep, my friend Lou. I hate him so much right now. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 39

My balls are like cotton candy and come in a variety of refreshing flavors. Just ask your mom. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 38

Woke from dreaming the roof was leaking just in time to stop the poodle from throwing up on the rug. I wanted to be a spy when I grew up. @Moltz (Moltz) – 36

Shooting fish in a barrel isn't really that easy. You have to know about Snell's law and refractive indices. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 34

I woke up naked with scratches on my chest, a pocket full of nacho cheese and a midget making me breakfast. Oh yeah, Tequila. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 34

Courage is admitting the fart was yours. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 33

Profoundly funny tweet #3480703315 (?) @stevewhitaker (Unavailable) – 33

If the camera adds ten pounds does that mean Calista Flockhart is invisible? @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 32

Awful lot of door-to-door evangelists this weekend. Maybe they're running a sale on Jesus. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 32

I made the mistake of calling the H1N1 virus 'N1H1' in an earlier tweet. I think we all know that if it was N1H1, everyone would be dead. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 31

My dad-authority gives me veto power over capricious household rules like "Special K is for adults and Chocolate Lucky Charms are for kids." @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 31

The Hasbro Pink Ouija Board for children ages 8 and up. Introducing young girls to Satan for the low low price of $19.99! @damselesque (Beth) – 30

My yak milk brings all the Bulgans to the yurt. @InSoOutSo (insooutso) – 29

The word "tsunami" is not in my phone's T9 dictionary, so if you ever get a text from me that says "Trumang!", get the fuck off the beach. @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 114

Whoopi thinks the moon landing was faked? I hope this doesn't damage all that credibility she built up as the center square. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 107

Ugh I have to write an autobiography?? STORY OF MY LIFE. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 97

First rule of Seal Club is no crying when we say "club". This means you, Jeremy. Second rule of Seal Club is no walruses. *Jeremy*. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 83

I only use extra virgin olive oil. Unsaturated fats really shouldn't have a sexual history. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 76

"I just bought a pedometer." "Cool. So how many child molesters are near you right now?" @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 73

Well SOMEBODY used a scrapbooking knife to cut my face out of all our wedding photos. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 70

Everyone thinks Canadians are so nice and polite. Excellent. Stage One is complete. Initiate Stage Two. Release the Moose Commandos. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 68

I like the idea of liking the idea better than I actually like the idea. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 66

I can't dance, I love mayonnaise and I just maxed my Banana Republic credit card. These Whitestrips must be working. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 65

1) Wake up 2) Brush teeth 3) Feed fish 4) Take meds 5) Notice pill in fishbowl & bad taste in mouth & wonder if I screwed up 3&4. Again. @tj (TJ Luoma) – 61

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. And every time you have sex, this one angel gets his binoculars. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61

Gnats are super attracted to me today. I'm a magnat. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 59

My weekend did not contain nearly enough weekend. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 58

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? A: The pitbull doesn't blame the media for all its problems. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 56

My son told me how nobody at school would play with him last week. My pride swells to see him grow up in my own image. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53

Reading comic books in bed by flashlight. Still pretty awesome. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Wife: "I'm pretty much as girly-girl as a girl can be. Except for drag queens. But then me." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

FACT: The chances a large meteor will hit Earth is much less than the chances that another movie will be made about a large meteor. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51

Will we really see all our old pets in Heaven? Because Carl Feathers was sort of a dick. And he didn't exactly die of natural causes. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 85

Yeah? Well if I'm using alcohol as a crutch, then how come I've fallen on my ass like six times tonight? Riddle me that, Dr. Penisface. @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 81

"It wasn't my best handjob, but it was the most memorable. For us and everyone else in the campground." That's how I avoid small talk. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 74

Wife: Did you shower? Me: No. It's my birthday. I don't have to. W: We're getting massage. Nude. M: So you're saying I should've wiped, too? @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 70

Is there a surefire way to remember people's names after I meet them? I've heard "empathy for others" works well, but I'd prefer a shortcut. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 69

Thanks, Americans. Your years of massive, ill-conceived home loans have made it impossible for me to get a massive, ill-conceived home loan. @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 68

He was cool with the surprise stripper I sent him until he noticed her receding gums, proving why you never look a gift whore in the mouth. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 67

I now assume every man in NYC is gay unless he is in my vagina. And even then I'm suspicious. @Yayaa (Yaya) – 67

Instead of another first-person shooter, they should make a game where lions hunt gazelle. Because a lion with a rail gun would be AWESOME. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64

We've officially reached the point where a 750ml bottle of wine is thought of as "fun sized." @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 61

Can you imagine having your hands and feet tied and being lowered into a pool of spiders? Yeah, that would be scary. Anyhow, goodnight, son! @samhey (Sam Hey) – 54

Profoundly funny tweet #2636946111 (?) @srslainey (Unavailable) – 53

My boss has rudely informed me that “Storming the Imbecile” is not the same as “Storming the Bastille.” Whatevré. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 53

The 1st time you elbowed me was an accident, the 2nd time cause you are clumsy. The third time is why I stabbed you with the screwdriver. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 53

Picking the urinal next to mine, eh? Careful! I'm a sprayer! Whee! @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 52

Do these fishnets make my balls look like the catch of the day? @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 52

Sure, nothing may taste as good as being thin feels but it also feels great to eat a lot of cheese and be loved for your personality. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 51

I'm in an unfamiliar city. I hope they have restrooms. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

"Snatching mediocrity from the jaws of moderate success since 1970" is my new subtitle. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 46

On this date, a young Michael Bay watched his father light fireworks reeeeeeally slooooowly and realized: "This is the greatest thing EVER." @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 60

The president of Honduras is risking arrest - or worse - just to finish his term in office. Sarah Palin must find that vexing. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 59

Trying to celebrate America but this stupid Navajo family won't give up their picnic table. That's it. Hold my flag, I'm going over there. @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 56

July 5th. When Americans put away their hotdogs and beer and flags and love of blowing shit up for another year. Lol. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 53

Happy Light Things On Fire Day, idiots and assholes! @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 52

Notice how no one ever says "I'm gonna soda a cap in your ass"? Just saying. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 49

Who's got one thumb and can't properly light fireworks? I'm drunk. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 47

There's nothing so heartwarming as your child's laughter. Except for when they finally fall asleep because, seriously, enough already. @3hoss (Eric Hoss) – 47

I'm lounging in bed to support whatever it was John and Yoko lounged in bed to support. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

My wife would probably appreciate the 4th of July a lot more if I didn't insist that she wear a Benjamin Franklin mask during sex. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 46

I hate when one nipple gets as hard as a diamond, but the other remains as cold and disinterested as Gwyneth Paltrow in every movie ever. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 46

Good: I've been able to avoid dropping f-bombs in front of my kids. Bad: they gasp in shock when someone says "fudgesicles" or "fishsticks." @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 45

Watching my son watch fireworks is ten times better than watching fireworks. @seanhussey (Sean Hussey) – 43

You know that one guy in high school who was really sporty & smart & good looking & Swiss & he'd always win Wimbledon? I hated that guy. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 38

This is the best night to have gas in public. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 38

"Why are there egg shells in the sink?" "That's where they put them on cooking shows." @poeks (Poeks) – 37

Has anyone seen my gloves? They look exactly like my hands, but slightly bigger. @rsmallbone (rsmallbone) – 37

What a hangover! Where's the... OMG! WE BLEW UP THE BABY. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 36

Today I found that many Colombians actually believe you when you say that July 4 is when George Washington stormed the Bastille. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 35