#crispycracka

I'm in the front yard, running through the sprinklers. I feel like a kid again. A crying, drunk, naked, hairy kid. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 141

"Have you seen my denim jacket?" "No. But it's ok, I just checked the weather & it's not going to be in the 1980's today." @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 123

Looking back at Michael Jackson's life, I think there may have been one or two red flags. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 101

The most surefire way to get me to eat an entire box of chocolate chip cookies is to give me a box of chocolate chip cookies. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 80

The best way to show how much you missed your girlfriend is by FORGETTING TO PICK HER UP AT THE AIRPORT. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 79

Which came first, the Greyhound station or the shitty neighborhood? @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 73

If kids really wanted to be emo, they should think of emus. Because being a flightless bird would really be depressing. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 70

If I owned just ONE more pair of pants, the people in this laundromat would be feeling a lot more comfortable right now. @EightBitsShort (Unavailable) – 68

I will fight global warming, come hell or high water. Although I guess if there's high water, I've kind of failed. I need a better motto. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 68

Parenthood is a very expensive way of saying "I've had sex at least THIS MANY times". @toldorknown (Arch Stanton) – 66

My glasses fell into the toilet. Oddly enough, I couldn't see shit. @MODAT (Modat) – 65

Gluing silhouettes of the Grim Reaper on the rear windows of old people's cars did wonders for my commute. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 63

6 yr old: I know the "S" word. Me: Oh really? Then what's it rhyme with? Him: "Pit." Me: Shit, I guess you DO know it. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 61

If at first you don't succeed, fall to the floor & shriek. Lady, don't judge me: it worked for your kid & all I want is one of his M&Ms. @sniffyjenkins (Justine Kilkerr) – 60

Does this watch make me look late for work? @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 60

Shut up, crow. I don't have to listen to you. You don't even have lips. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 57

Thus begins a rather unfortunate multilevel pyramid scheme involving Bernie Madoff's mouth. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 57

Monday and rain go together like your parents telling you they're getting a divorce and then kicking you in the nads. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 56

i just suggested to the 4-year-old that we sing "The Itchy-Bitchy Spider." Ah, sleep deprivation. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 56

Nearly everyone at the airport is shiny, obese, furious, and, according to numerous 90dB phone conversations, they are now at the airport. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 69

If everyone wore noise-canceling headphones, ninjas could eat more crunchy snacks. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 64

BREAKING: Fox News is reporting that Obama's pick for family dog has never filed income taxes. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 64

I have so many chocolate eggs inside me I feel like Octomom. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 61

Me: "How did I end up with the cracked wine glass?" Grandma: "Because you've made bad decisions your entire life." @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 52

It wasn't funny at the time, but now I can look back on it and drink. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 51

I don't get it. Why did "Top Gun" and "Risky Business" have their Amazon sales rank pulled? @scottsimpson (Scott Simpson) – 49

He yells "get it off get it off get it off" when I kiss him and I laugh, wondering how much money half of his 401k will be. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 47

I see: you've got a $300 cell phone that costs $70/month for service, but $4 for a nice app, that's fucking ridiculous. @gruber (John Gruber) – 46

Every Monday Twitter turns into a Ziggy cartoon. @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 45

What do Easter, Halloween, Christmas, and Thanksgiving have in common? Diarrhea. Don't act all shocked. You know. You all know. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45

Profoundly funny tweet #1509179611 (?) @luckyshirt (Unavailable) – 45

The sexes will never be truly equal until there's a way for men to masturbate without looking like they're angrily shaking a spraycan. @indefensible (Indefensible) – 43

Update: One gentleman, who looks like a rib roast that fell into a golf shirt, has updated his status to "still" at the airport. Developing. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 42

I drew on her face with a magic marker because she was fast asleep, but that doesn't make me a bad parent. I mean, this isn't even my baby. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 40

Mother-in-law, referring to a particularly egregious hairdo she saw today: "That is the worst blowjob I've ever seen a man give himself." @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 40

[Pagecrusher is now following you on foot!] @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 40

When there's a Nuremberg-style trial for lite jazz, I'll be there every day, holding a picture of Monk, and throwing shit at Kenny G's cage. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 39

If I was a spy, I'd store my cyanide capsule in bubble wrap. Oh no! *popopop* Heehee! You'll never take me alive! *popopop* Heehee! *thud* @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 38

If newspapers fail, all journalism will die forever. Same way every U.S. business had to close when people stopped using Yellow Pages. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 93

If you were just gonna hand me your gum, why the hell did you ask where the garbage can was? Four-year-olds are douches. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59

At the Children's Museum. During spring break. Just took 3 extra birth control pills. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 57

I found a tiny fake mustache downstairs. They're probably fucking with me but I wonder if the cats might have finally come up with a plan. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 55

I can tell I'm getting old because ugh, college kids. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 52

In honor of iTunes dropping all DRM, I'm dropping my pants. Whoops, already down. OK, I'm gonna drop this pen and look back seductively. @Moltz (Moltz) – 49

This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46

Wielding this giant hunting knife makes me feel unbelievably macho. Using it to gently halve a peach tartlet on a doily: less so. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43

AND NOW WE'RE GONNA GAY UP NEW YORK, AND NEW HAMPSHIRE, AND CALIFORNIA, AND NEVADA... YEEEAARRRGGHHH! @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 42

So help me, Fail Whale, I will kill you right in the face. @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 41

Sonicare®: For more than just brushing your teeth. OK? Don't make us come right out and say it. Just, you know, explore the possibilities.™ @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 41

Ever notice that if you type "LOL" in small letters that it sort of looks like a TIE fighter...? I'll understand if you unfollow me now. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 40

My waxer just used a wax that smells like freshly brewed expresso. My vagina is extremely focused right now, ready to tackle a big project. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 39

11% of Americans still say Obama's a Muslim. If this is a ruse to scare us coastals from coming inland and poaching squirrels, it's working. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 39

Twitter has revised their question to "What were you doing 9 minutes ago?" to more accurately represent current conditions. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 39

I wish I was still young enough to wear vibrantly striped tights in public without looking like a retarded barista. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 38

In honor of gay marriage in Vermont, I'm going to guzzle a gallon of Vermont syrup. Which suddenly sounds like a euphemism for gay sex. @Moltz (Moltz) – 37

Why is it that the best crack is always in the worst neighborhoods? Oh, First World! You're impossible. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 37

No, but seriously. Prison should give me plenty of time to write my parenting book. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 36

Tweet #1181263445 (?)

Tweet #1181267782 (?)

Pro Tip: If someone asks you if you "have a sec" and you answer "I have lots of secs", they will forget their original question. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 89

The checkout clerk called me Mr. Allen. I chuckled and said, "Mr. Allen is my father! And dead. To me. And the reason I'm buying this beer." @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 59

So everybody is writing nerd pick up lines today? And this is different from normal Twitter how? Oh, the hashtag. I see. @superfantastic (superfantastic) – 47

Let's say we skip the small talk, go back to your place, and I'll prematurely ejaculate as you take off your bra. #nerdpickuplines @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 43

I thought today was Friday and came to work in a hoodie and jeans. From the reaction, you'd think I showed up in assless chaps and Vaseline. @Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 42

My mother spoke to your mother and now I'm supposed to speak to you. #amishpickuplines @HotAmishChick (HotAmishChick) – 41

Young boy at the store points at me and whispers to his mother: "Is that one of the *blue* guys...?" True. @Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 40

Profoundly funny tweet #1177113616 (?) @crispycracka (Unavailable) – 70

Fast, cheap, or good. Pick one. No, not that one. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 61

Listen. When the cops finally find out about Twitter, you guys just be cool and wait for my signal. @sloganeerist (sloganєєrist) – 55

"I'd like a panic room." "In my world, every room is a panic room. Living room? Panic room. Sunroom? Panic room." "Shut up and take a pill." @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 49

Dear Jesus: Remember The Doors? What was their deal lol. Anyway please make the cat fall off the TV again because that was hilarious, amen. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 48

Jesus, I need to stop fucking around on the internet at work so I can go home and fuck around on the internet. @EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 43

The phrase really should be "Don't look a gift horse in mouth - look in the belly, BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE THE FUCKING GREEKS ARE, YOU TARDS!" @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 43

Was dreaming about eating a pillow. Woke up and my marshmallow was gone! Also I wet the bed. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 43

I'll stop drinking my wife's breast milk after I switch to solid foods, so don't you judge me. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 41

The 2yr old tried to change his own diaper today. It was a mess. I ended up w/ poo in my ear. Cleaned it though, so now I can't hear shit. @crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 56

"You have nice teeth" is an OK compliment once. The more you say it, the more I worry that you plan to kill me and make a necklace. @superfantastic (superfantastic) – 49

As if my day wasn't crappy enough, I just walked into Christian Bale's shot. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 47

Liberty and justice for all. (Offer not valid for poor people, brown people and cunts.) #tcot @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 46

I'm not even that nerdy but today I had a weird spot in my vision and my first thought was, "Damn, I have a blown pixel." @AmyJane (Amy Jane Gruber) – 42

Whenever I hear Barney Frank's voice I close my eyes and picture him holding a lollipop and wearing a little sailor shirt with no pants. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 42

Oh, hey roommate's ridiculously hot friend. Yeah, you know, just watching Heroes, eatin' stew, unbuttoning my jeans. Wanna make out? @phyllisstein (Daniel Shannon) – 41

The woman in front of me at Kinko's dated her check as "2/3/1938". She didn't laugh when I told her I'd come from the future to correct her. @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 39

When I use my Sonicare toothbrush I yell "THIS IS NOT A VIBRATOR" through the wall...a phrase often followed by "NOT FOR 10 MORE MINUTES". @gordonshumway (Jelisa Castrodale) – 38