If newspapers fail, all journalism will die forever.
Same way every U.S. business had to close when people stopped using Yellow Pages.
@hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 93
If you were just gonna hand me your gum, why the hell did you ask where the garbage can was?
Four-year-olds are douches.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 59
At the Children's Museum. During spring break. Just took 3 extra birth control pills.
@crispycracka (Christy Ann) – 57
I found a tiny fake mustache downstairs. They're probably fucking with me but I wonder if the cats might have finally come up with a plan.
@trelvix (Trelvix) – 55
I can tell I'm getting old because ugh, college kids.
@CcSteff (Stephanie) – 52
In honor of iTunes dropping all DRM, I'm dropping my pants.
Whoops, already down.
OK, I'm gonna drop this pen and look back seductively.
@Moltz (Moltz) – 49
This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar.
@badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 46
Wielding this giant hunting knife makes me feel unbelievably macho.
Using it to gently halve a peach tartlet on a doily: less so.
@hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 43
AND NOW WE'RE GONNA GAY UP NEW YORK, AND NEW HAMPSHIRE, AND CALIFORNIA, AND NEVADA... YEEEAARRRGGHHH!
@EffingBoring (I. Ron Butterfly) – 42
So help me, Fail Whale, I will kill you right in the face.
@zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 41
Sonicare®: For more than just brushing your teeth. OK? Don't make us come right out and say it. Just, you know, explore the possibilities.™
@fireland (Joshua Allen) – 41
Ever notice that if you type "LOL" in small letters that it sort of looks like a TIE fighter...?
I'll understand if you unfollow me now.
@Tony_D (Tony Delgrosso) – 40
My waxer just used a wax that smells like freshly brewed expresso. My vagina is extremely focused right now, ready to tackle a big project.
@Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 39
11% of Americans still say Obama's a Muslim.
If this is a ruse to scare us coastals from coming inland and poaching squirrels, it's working.
@adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 39
Twitter has revised their question to "What were you doing 9 minutes ago?" to more accurately represent current conditions.
@joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 39
I wish I was still young enough to wear vibrantly striped tights in public without looking like a retarded barista.
@Jessabelle2o7 (Jess) – 38
In honor of gay marriage in Vermont, I'm going to guzzle a gallon of Vermont syrup.
Which suddenly sounds like a euphemism for gay sex.
@Moltz (Moltz) – 37
Why is it that the best crack is always in the worst neighborhoods? Oh, First World! You're impossible.
@SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 37
No, but seriously. Prison should give me plenty of time to write my parenting book.
@thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 36
One minivan + two screaming children + one plastic lightsaber to the eye = birth control.
@sween (Jason Sweeney) – 35
