#myracles

I'd be a horrible drug mule. I'd spend all my time making balloon animals with the condoms. This is also why I am a horrible lover. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 114

My primary objective in any meeting is to end the meeting. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 108

How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth. @myracles (myr) – 88

On hot days, the pantsless comforts of the self-employed become something like a sacrament. "Transubpantsiation," if you like. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 76

As the only girl in my group, I'm the designated emotional counselor. Coworkers don't know my emotions are limited to sadface and winkyface. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 74

I have a feeling my intuition sucks. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 71

You said you liked the movie "Amadeus" but you meant "Beethoven." So, when I said "that's nice" I meant "you're an idiot." @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 67

This hotel's Internet connection is like sucking pudding through a coffee stirrer. That is, if pudding could log you out every 5 minutes. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 62

Don't chew angry. DON'T CHEW ANGRY. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 58

Stoners shouldn't have picked a day that's reducible to 1/5th. It's confusing to the alcoholics. @poeks (Poeks) – 52

I do less before 9 AM than some people do all day. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 51

I'm not an optimist or a pessimist, I'm a critic. The glass is half faulty. @pagecrusher (Simon Goetz) – 51

Daughter is eating pickles and peanut butter. She's either pregnant or has been celebrating 420. Either way: grounded. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 49

When I eat carrots I get impressed by how strong my teeth are, and then I get sad because I'm comparing myself to rabbits, again. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 49

My love life? Let's just say there's a lot of page impressions but very few click-throughs. @secretsquirrel (Ryan Bateman) – 48

The best thing about having my six-year anniversary on 4/20 is remember the Little Rascals? That shit was racist, but so adorable. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 48

Hoo boy I got a BAD case of spring fever. That's gonorrhea, right? Yeah, sure, I can give you a ride to the free clinic before homeroom. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 47

Is that your satellite radio transmitting over my favorite frequency? You may as well have rolled down my window and farted into my car. @lonelysandwich (Adam Lisagor) – 46

The perfect tweet combining "gas station" and "fart". It is my white whale. I am... consumed. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 45