99 Problems & Forever Alone

Firstly- we're talking about domestic abuse, domestic violence, and physical interpersonal abuse, so just googling the definition of “abuse” doesn’t work because that definition includes everything from abusing drugs to a judge abusing his power. The definition is simply too broad, and we’re specifically discussing domestic abuse.

So let’s use a few trusted sources to define domestic abuse. “Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.” -The National Domestic Violence Hotline

“Domestic abuse, also called "domestic violence" or "intimate partner violence", can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or maintain power and control over an intimate partner.” -The United Nations

“Domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain power and control over another intimate partner.  Domestic violence can be physical, sexual, emotional, economic, psychological, or technological actions or threats of actions or other patterns of coercive behavior that influence another person within an intimate partner relationship.” -The United States Department of Justice

“Domestic abuse includes any attempt by one person in a marriage or intimate relationship to dominate and control the other. Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you.” -HelpGuide

“Interpersonal violence, often referred to as intimate partner violence, domestic violence or battering, is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence.” -Boston University

Notice something about all those definitions. Domestic abuse ALWAYS has a purpose. It’s about maintaining power and control over another person. I’d also like to note that the justification the abuser uses does not matter. If they are being controlling, they are being controlling. Period.

With all this in mind, is Tamlin abusive in ACOMAF? Yes. 100%. But is Rhysand abusive? Also yes.

The National Domestic Violence Helpline (first source above) has both a list of red flags, and it redirects to another source loveisrespect.org to list types of abuse. Let’s review the red flags Tamlin displays first.

Red flags:

Telling you that you never do anything right.

Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. ✅ (Jealous of Lucien, ACOWAR)

Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers.

Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. ✅ (The High Lord's meeting, ACOWAR)

Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. ✅ (Locking Feyre up, ACOMAF)

Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. ✅ (it’s not really discussed and I don’t think Feyre cares so much but I’m still putting it down, ACOMAF)

Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.

Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol.

Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. ✅ (Generally throughout ACOMAF)

Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.

Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.

Destroying your belongings or your home ✅. (All three books)

But here’s my question. Does RHYSAND display any of these red flags? Yes.

Telling you that you never do anything right.

Showing extreme jealousy of your friends or time spent away from them. ✅ (Yes, in ACOMAF, to the point where once the mating bond is consummated Rhysand attacks Cassian)

Preventing or discouraging you from spending time with friends, family members, or peers. ✅ (yes, Rhysand strongly dislikes Feyre's sisters and despises her interacting with them, ACOMAF)

Insulting, demeaning, or shaming you, especially in front of other people. ✅ (yes, making her lap dance in ACOTAR which Feyre refers to as being “disgraced,” talking about her breasts looking like ripe apples or whatever to Tarquin in ACOMAF, reading off Nesta's spending in ACOSF to embarrass Feyre, per Feyre's own words)

Preventing you from making your own decisions, including about working or attending school. ✅ (yes, he gives her “choices” that are either what he wants her to do or something she hates)

Controlling finances in the household without discussion, including taking your money or refusing to provide money for necessary expenses. ✅ (yes, to Nesta in ACOSF)

Pressuring you to have sex or perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with. ✅ (yes, groping Feyre in ACOTAR)

Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol. ✅ (yes, in ACOTAR)

Intimidating you through threatening looks or actions. ✅ (yes, all throughout ACOTAR and especially with the mind rape)

Insulting your parenting or threatening to harm or take away your children or pets.

Intimidating you with weapons like guns, knives, bats, or mace.

Destroying your belongings or your home. ✅ (to Nesta, ACOSF)

They both display a slew of red flags. Note who displays more.

Now, as for types of abuse:

Physical abuse is any intentional, unwanted contact with you or something close to your body, or any behavior that causes or has the intention of causing you injury, disability, or death. Examples of physical abuse include:

Scratching, punching, biting, strangling, choking, or kicking.

Throwing items at you like a phone, book, shoe, or plate.

Pulling your hair.

Pushing or pulling you, or forcibly grabbing your clothing.

Threatening to use or using a gun, knife, box cutter, bat, mace, or other weapon against you.

Touching any part of you without your permission or consent.

Forcing you to have sex or perform a sexual act.

Grabbing your face to make you look at them.

Preventing you from leaving or forcing you to go somewhere.

Ironically enough, by this definition of physical abuse, the study scene is NOT physically abusive, as it was not intentional. I’m not saying I think that’s true, I’m just saying that by this definition, Tamlin was not physically abusive in the study scene or in any other part where he loses control of his magic. It also means Feyre losing control of her magic is not abusive, as it’s not intentional. However, this does firmly render Tamlin locking Feyre up abusive. Additionally, it also means that Rhysand is abusive for locking up the Inner Circle for 50 years, and Rhysand and Feyre are BOTH abusive for locking Nesta up.

Emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors such as threats, insults, constant monitoring or “checking in,” excessive texting, humiliation, intimidation, isolation, or stalking. Examples of behaviors that qualify as emotional or verbal abuse include:

Calling you names or putting you down.

Telling you what to do or wear.

Yelling or screaming at you.

Intentionally embarrassing you in front of others or starting rumors about you.

Preventing you from seeing or communicating with friends or family, or threatening to have your children taken away from you.

Damaging your property (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)

Using online communities or communications to control, intimidate, or humiliate you.

Blaming abusive or unhealthy behavior on you or your actions.

Being jealous of outside relationships or accusing you of cheating.

Stalking you or your loved ones.

Threatening to harm you, your pet(s), or people in your life.

Threatening to harm themselves to keep you from ending the relationship.

Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.

Making you feel guilty or immature when you don’t consent to sexual activity.

Threatening to expose personal details, such as your sexual orientation or immigration status.

Before anyone says it: it was Ianthe who controlled Feyre's clothing, not Tamlin. He’s still emotionally abusive, though, as he is jealous and possessive, he damages property, and he embarrasses her at the High Lord's meeting. HOWEVER, Rhysand is also abusive, as he watches Feyre through the tattoo (stalking) and makes a point of gaslighting her ALL throughout ACOMAF. Like half of the things I’ve pointed out in my retcons aren’t even retcons. They’re just things Rhysand gaslit Feyre into forgetting. For example, he makes Feyre forget that Tamlin couldn’t save her because he was… stabbed. And that he couldn’t rescue her beforehand because, by his own words UTM, Tamlin was being watching and monitored UTM. Rhysand also makes her feel guilty about not wanting his sexual advances UTM, and Feyre mentions wishing she’d “smiled at him” when he was groping her. He's also jealous of her flirting with Tarquin.

Sexual abuse refers to any behavior that pressures or coerces someone to do something sexually that they don’t want to do. Examples of sexual abuse include: Unwanted kissing or touching. Unwanted rough or violent sexual activity. Refusing to use condoms or restricting someone’s access to birth control. Preventing someone from using protection against sexually transmitted infections (STIs). Sexual contact with someone intoxicated from drugs or alcohol, unconscious, asleep, or otherwise unable to give clear and informed consent. Threatening, pressuring, or otherwise forcing someone to have sex or perform sexual acts. Using sexual insults toward someone.

Hope I don’t gotta explain this but yes. Rhysand was sexually abusive when he groped Feyre under the mountain and drugged her the whole time. I’ll also add that I have mixed feelings on Calanmai after reading this post by @longsightmyth. So idk if I can characterize Tamlin as sexually abusive.