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Rosa melanthia. An innocent enough name. The Greek literally just means “black flower.” Apropos for a blossom that once had such dark petals… and a dark purpose. Trust Hell to try and cultivate it, to harness its insidious power in other forms.

Hell tricks Crowley into drinking mead made from the melanthia flower, one with pollen that keeps a person from being able to find release until they succumb to their deepest desires, no doubt expecting the former demon to crave something, well, demonic, and humiliate himself or hurt the people around him in search of that release. Fortunately, Aziraphale comes immediately to help him. Unfortunately, Aziraphale is going to have to get out of his own head before he can really give Crowley what he wants and needs.

Words: 11,434

Status: Complete

Rating: Explicit

@fishey-me

now, i was wondering if you had any more crack, silly fics that you recently read and really enjoyed? I somehow read every single fic that yall had on #crack 😭

anyway, thanks again! <3

Hi! Here are more fics to add to the #crack tag...

it's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights by quitequaintrelle (T)

Something strange is happening to Anthony J. Crowley. Well, more accurately, something strange is happening to everyone other than Crowley.

Sorry, Right Number (aka The Dick Pic Fic) by Thavron (E)

Crowley sends an unsolicited dick pic to the wrong number. Adorably awkward textual flirting ensues. Good evening, I am sorry to inform you that you seem to have sent this message to the wrong number. Your genitals are quite lovely, and I am sure that the intended recipient will be disappointed to have missed out. As I am not the intended recipient, I have deleted the image. I hope that offers some peace of mind. Regards, AZF

The Greasy Pole by AppleSeeds (T)

Furfur gets promoted to Temptations and seeks Crowley's help to learn the necessary techniques. Crowley performs a demonstration with Aziraphale's help, and, thankfully, the angel turns out to be a very good actor when it comes to being receptive to Crowley's attempts to tempt him, but will Furfur have any success when he tries to deploy the same techniques on his own?

what's the name of the game? by Anonymous (G)

Crowley, as an occult being, a former angel, and a causer of chaos has a very attuned sense of shifts in the celestial fabric. He’s no angel, so he doesn’t sense love, or charity, or any of that. But, he knows when the celestial fabric shifts several millimeters to the left. He knows he has a sense for this because Adam’s refusal to finish Armageddon moved the universe four and a half meters to the right. It wreaked havoc on Crowley’s sense of direction and his balance for a good month after it happened. All of that to say, Crowley should have noticed something was up well before the cassettes in his Bentley all started turning into ABBA Gold: Greatest Hits.

and they were tumblrinas??? by everydayistuesday (T)

Look. Crowley didn’t mean to inspire Eric Kripke to write Supernatural. He certainly didn’t mean to get invested, or to have a blog about it on tumblr. And no, he’s definitely not crying over that last episode. What are you talking about? Or: it’s November 5, 2020, and one Anthony J. Crowley is just along for the ride. OR: the gomens November 5 fic absolutely nobody asked for.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual Caffeination by DiscombobulatedBard (M)

Ghostwriter Crowley loves going to Give Me Coffee or Give Me Death and ordering his usual six shots of espresso. Aziraphale, the shop’s new barista, refuses to indulge his unhealthy habit any longer. Crowley will not give up his favorite vice; Aziraphale will not stand by and let him caffeinate himself into oblivion. When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object, who will win the standoff?

PART 18/18 of “Falling”

I’m sorry

PART 6/? of “Falling” (#fallingalicerovai)

BEGINNING/PREV/NEXT

We know that Crowley began wanting holy water as a result of the aftermath of the night in 1827 when, as a result of over-miracling in upset over Wee Morag having been shot and accidentally sending the grave guards to Hell, Crowley was later dragged down there himself.

The only good thing to come of that night was that he and Aziraphale saved Elspeth from killing herself, right?

In the future, Crowley kept the holy water Aziraphale gave him that, like the money they gave Elspeth, reduced his own suicide ideation and provided him with some sense of security and safety, in the safe in his flat.

The safe, hidden in the wall, was covered up by a painting of a person whose smile contains the hint of a secret famously known only to her. The choice of art was a version of the most recognizable painting in the world: La Gioconda.

Why might Crowley have chosen this particular painting? Maybe because...

La Gioconda is popularly known as The Mona Lisa.

Elspeth is a Scottish variant of the name Elizabeth. One of the nicknames for Elizabeth?

Lisa.

a scene from chapter 18 of 'how do we turn on the light' by @moonyinpisces

full nsft-ish comic on ao3!

a scene out of chapter 9 from @moonyinpisces 'how do we turn on the light'

Slowly, enticingly, Aziraphale reaches around to press his hands on either side of Crowley’s spine, fingers pushing into his shoulder blades. His palms warm, until they begin to glow a soft, balming, divine gold. Crowley’s breathing speeds up against Aziraphale’s lips, his pulse thudding thickly between the press of their bodies. He bears the both of them firmly down into the mattress with a cut-off groan.  Aziraphale murmurs, smile growing, “Perhaps I should show you, then.”

hand stuff from chapter 18 of how do we turn on the light? by @moonyinpisces!

“No, go on,” Aziraphale tells him. “Tell me what you’re going to do to me.” 

“Did you know,” Aziraphale eventually says, voice breaking the quiet, “That the vestal virgins of Rome had to abstain from sex for thirty years as they tended to the sacred fire of the goddess Vesta, lest they be buried alive?” 

a scene out of chapter 9 from @moonyinpisces 'how do we turn on the light'