Tosin Talks

Tiny Tim is a fun picture book that teaches the importance of emotional regulation! As Tim learns how to control his storm of emotions and avoid problem behaviors, he also learns how to separate himself from harmful narratives. The original book provides 8 additional pages for parents and caregivers to learn how to help their children navigate intense emotions and develop a positive sense of self.

The junior edition was created for independent reading with age-appropriate language for young people. This version allows them to learn alongside Tim as he gains control of his emotions and behaviors.

Tiny Tim: Navigating Stormy Feelings and Behaviors is available for purchase on Barnes & Noble.com: $16.99 Hardcover or $13 Paperback and on Amazon: $13.00 Paperback. The junior edition is also available on Amazon: $9.13 Paperback

This mindfulness activity is useful for when you’re having difficulty separating yourself from a chaotic or problematic environment or for those of us that internalize others’ words. This audio includes slow bilateral stimulation to amplify feelings of calm and relaxation (best used with wired headphones).

Oh, how I’ve missed you, my pretty pink echo chamber. 

I haven’t written a blog post in a while because I just haven’t had the mental capacity to write and I’ve been living in fear of judgment from others. But recently, my mind has felt like a centrifuge, spinning and separating a multitude of thoughts faster than I can keep up with, so I thought writing it out here would make sense of things.

There’s 1 of 4 things that could explain what’s going on with me right now: A) I’m having a quarter life crisis. B) I’m having pre-birthday jitters. C) I’m directly reacting and responding to the state of the world or D) All of the above.

I title chapter 26 of my life “No Road Signs” as I’ve felt quite lost and directionless in the weeks leading up to my 26th birthday. I think I know what I want my destination to look like at the end of this annual journey but I have no solid clue of how to get there or if the decisions I’m currently making will lead me that way or if those decisions are being made for my personal journey or mostly for others. I can trust my intuition well enough to know that something doesn’t feel right but I don’t know what to do or where to go after that…I know the basics of what I need but I’m not exactly sure on all that I want and how to go about getting what I want.

For example, I know I need to have a financially and morally fulfilling career but I don’t know the details of how I want that career to go. After 8 months of being a licensed associate counselor, I’ve discovered that this job isn’t how I envisioned it and I’ve been pondering if this is something I could do long-term (or even for the next year). 

I know I need to be around like-minded individuals who value authenticity and caring for others and that unconditionally accept me but I don’t know how to go about seeking those relationships. I think I’ll soon be entering a stage where I shift my focus to “settling down” but I often question whether I truly want to do that or that shift is happening because I feel pressured and I don’t know what else to do.

What is the right thing to do when witnessing the collapse of society? I’m often in a tug of war between pleasure and protest. Part of me believes that I should enjoy and carelessly live life to the fullest while another part believes I should remain steadfast and continue fighting the good fight by dedicating myself to my work.

I don’t always know what’s the absolute right thing to do but I’m usually aware of what feels wrong, so I’m allowing that to guide me. I’m letting go of the need for certainty and control over every single aspect of my life, it’s too exhausting to live like that. I radically accept that everything is as it should be and everything will happen as it’s intended to. Please wish me luck and show me grace as I navigate this new age.

Yeah…that was the clarity I needed…

Background music by Heavenly Haze

I had the wonderful opportunity of being the keynote speaker at the Class of 2025 graduation ceremony for Harmony School of Ingenuity-Houston.

Video Link

Transcript of speech: "Good evening everyone! I’m so grateful to be speaking with you all tonight, especially to the class of 2025. Although I wasn’t present to witness the anxiety you might have had before STAAR tests, the exhaustion you tried to hide when listening to a lecture in your least favorite class, or the dread you might have felt when your alarm clock rang in the morning, I’m honored to celebrate your ability to overcome a multitude of challenges and graduate against all odds. I don’t know any of you personally but I’m brimming with pride for each and every single one of you! What you have achieved today is a phenomenal accomplishment and you deserve to revel in it. 

Your high school career began on the tail end of a global pandemic that dramatically shifted how we learn and process. There was no fool-proof guide or research on how to best adapt to this way of life which caused a wave of panic and despair to wash over the world. Humans don’t usually handle uncertainty well so to be able to make it to the end of this cycle with little assurance and direction is no small feat. You’ve gained beneficial skills and traits during these challenging 4 years that will help you on this new journey.

I remember looking around the room on the evening of my graduation ceremony and thinking, “it’s all over,” but there were multiple connotations to that sentence. On one side of this coin, there was a sense of freedom in knowing that I was finally getting out of here and no longer had to look at that random mural of the presidents in the front office anymore! On the flipside, my entire identity revolved around school; 50% of my week was spent there, most of my friendships were cultivated in the classroom, and I had nothing to my name except an A+ in AP Lit. I got so used to deadlines in school that I placed arbitrary ones in every aspect of my life. Graduation was supposed to be a celebration of my hard work over the past 4 years and the new journey I would embark on but 17-year-old me viewed it as the funeral of my purpose. My young mind placed so many boundaries on life and couldn’t conceptualize just how much opportunity awaited me.

Your life doesn’t end once this ceremony is over, in fact, it’s only just begun. There’s more to life outside the four walls of your classroom, the four corners of your high school diploma, and the four edges of your phone and computer screen. Don’t fall into the mental trap that you’re running out of time. Time is cyclical so there will always be more of it, you have the power to choose what you do with that time so you’re not consumed by regret. I really hope none of you are flat earthers because my next sentence won’t land well with you: the world is so incredibly big and round meaning that there’s no end to what you can accomplish and there’s endless possibilities to explore. 

Cycles come to a close as they simultaneously begin. Every year, you and the earth celebrate the end and beginning of another cycle. The end of this high school cycle may mean the end of some of these relationships but the beginning of new ones. You can be a cycle breaker, just as you can be a cycle starter of prosperity for you and those that come after you. Your ancestors lived through gruesome cycles in order for you to be here. You are meant to be here, you are essential to the inner workings of the universe. Every day that the sun rises is another opportunity to pivot your life in the direction that you believe to be best for you. You will experience many seasons of life and parts of you may change but you will still be you at your core. You are your best friend forever so please learn to accept and love yourself for who you are.

You’ve worked incredibly hard. I rarely take a moment to reflect on just how far I’ve come but it's my responsibility as a therapist to teach you all how to do that. We’re going to take a few deep breaths in…and out. Let’s do another deep breath in…and out. Graduates, I want you to take it all in while we celebrate you. Let’s give a round of applause to the graduates as they take a moment to recognize their accomplishments.

The same support that your faculty, family, and friends provided you throughout this cycle should be returned. Your support didn’t just touch these graduates' lives, but the lives of those that they will meet in the future. Thank you for guiding them to the end of this cycle and assisting them as they begin other monumental cycles. While the faculty and audience take a moment to reflect on the impact they’ve made on so many, I want the graduates to applaud them.

I’d like to express my gratitude once more for the opportunity to talk to you all tonight. 8 years ago, I gave my salutatorian speech in front of my classmates and our support systems and although I might have appeared confident, I was actually filled with so much fear and self-doubt. 8 years later, I’ve transformed into a woman that I think a younger me would be extremely proud of. This moment feels like closure; the end of a strenuous but enlightening cycle and the start of a cycle of inspiration. I proved to my younger self that there’s nothing inherently wrong with her and that positive change is absolutely possible. I hope you all are able to experience this kind of contentment, you’ve mastered difficult cycles in the past and deserve to experience fulfillment as a result. I hope who you were yesterday is proud of who you are today and that you're currently making choices that will lead you to a rewarding and memorable future.

This is a guided mindfulness activity for the spring, it's intended to help you feel grounded and calm. This audio includes slow bilateral stimulation to amplify feelings of calm and relaxation (best used with wired headphones).

This guided exercise is called Light Stream, it’s intended to help you feel physically and emotionally relaxed when you’re experiencing tension or overwhelm. This audio includes slow bilateral stimulation to amplify feelings of calm and relaxation.

On my 2025 ins and outs list is community service being in and inauthenticity being out. I’ll be honest…this is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do hard things.

This past year, though remarkably rewarding, was so dramatically difficult that I ended up developing resentment for the city I live in because of it. 

I’m very resilient so I’m usually able to tell myself, “you’ve been to hell and back, you’ll make it through this,” but facing a wrongful eviction, fraud, and a car accident all while getting through graduate school seemed too big to tackle at the time of each event. I think it was most difficult feeling unsupported and receiving little recognition for my perseverance. I felt like I was fighting to keep my head above water and most people were just watching me and judging my inability to swim like Katie Ledecky. Despite all these metaphorical water obstacles, I still found the ability to give my all to others, even those that never reached a hand out to help me. I guess I expected a little more appreciation and applause when I still managed to make it out victoriously. Graduation felt pointless when I had to walk across the stage to my name being announced incorrectly (twice!). I feel like I gave so much of myself to a community that I might not belong in and that might not really care about me. And I think to protect myself, I built my walls up and I’m harboring animosity towards the community.

I’m a big proponent of fostering community as I believe that humanity can’t survive without supporting each other. I, myself, am in need of community and I’m currently experiencing the disadvantages of not having that close by. I know I have a strong set of people in my corner but I think I’m going to need a little more surrounding support and fulfillment in other ways besides my career in order to be the woman I want to be.

There was a time when I would say that I hated my hometown, Houston, but I have a lot of pride for the city. It brings me an unexplainable feeling to drive by the downtown Houston skyline, and I was surrounded by people who loved me for who I was, so in a way, I loved Houston. There was a time when I would say I hated Austin but I had the freedom to discover myself, I was surrounded by creatives and thinkers, and I cultivated my love for nature there so, in a way, I loved Austin. I’ve experienced more isolation than connection in the city I currently live in so I’ve become closed off to the possible positives. However, I became a counselor and essentially confirmed my purpose while living here and that’s no minor occurrence. But I feel like I’m not being my true self, I'm constantly masking and performing. I feel so out of place in every position except for when I’m counseling or working with children. And I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about my experience either because that only isolates me further.

So, I just concluded that I hate it here. But I might have to live here longer than I anticipated and I can’t live in a place that I hate so I have to find things to love about it. I know I’m partly responsible for the lack of connections and community that I’m experiencing—having a negative attitude definitely doesn’t open me up to positive opportunities and being inauthentic will only bring false friendships. 

This year, I’m hoping to find a place to be my authentic self and build a community around that authenticity. I’m hoping that one day, I’ll be able to say, “in a way, I loved Corpus Christi.”

Background music by Dan Darmawan

You know when you’re really upset about something and someone tells you that you’re being a little dramatic? Has that ever made you feel less upset? 

I’m guessing it probably made you want to actually be dramatic or it completely broke your heart. You weren’t trying to get them to completely understand your experience and deeply feel your emotions—that invalidation only created another dilemma for you to have to deal with. Now you’re questioning if you really are overreacting about the matter or you’re thinking that person’s just an asshole that is sabotaging you or you’re afraid that maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with you…

Notice how fast we spiraled? That’s how impactful invalidation can be. Constant invalidation of our experiences dramatically influences the way that we tell our stories to others. The story is no longer “I was hurt and taken advantage of”, it’s “this is why I’m dramatic and don’t know how to handle anything”. Sometimes the invalidation begins during our formative years and from the very first people we met when we arrived in this world. 

What’s that label that your family gave to you that you just can’t seem to get over? Crybaby, loser, weirdo, “the fat one”, “my problem child”, “the mean one”, “the one I don’t talk about”, etc. The creation of that label significantly changed how they talk to you, speak about you to others, treat you, and perceive you. Most importantly, it changed the way that you see yourself. Now you hold back tears because you don’t want the crybaby label to stick or you hold your tongue while they say things that disrespect you because you want to get rid of the mean label. The invalidation continues when you bring up the past to them and it seems like the only person that remembers the story even vaguely is you. Then you really start believing those messages that were said about you.

Did the invalidation actually make you stop feeling sadness, out of place, alone, unheard, misunderstood, frustrated, or whatever the original emotion was? 

When I was a young child enduring trauma, I wanted to tell someone about it but when I did, I was met with, “you talk too much”, “you say the wildest things” or “you’re being a baby”. I was no longer just feeling sad, unloved, unwanted, confused…I became sad, unloved, unwanted, and thought I was legitimately going insane. It was no longer just a traumatic experience, what happened to me had found a way into my personality. 

Had I not just experienced something devastatingly difficult? Did that event not hurt my feelings or cause me some sort of pain? Even if it was a minor thing and from the outside looking in, I was being a little dramatic…I still felt that pain, and telling myself that I shouldn’t have, didn’t make the feeling go away. 

I often wonder how things would be if I was adequately validated when something happened. I wonder if I would be better at managing my emotional responses or overcoming challenges. Because instead of the situation intertwining with who I was, maybe I could fully feel my feelings, validate them, and possibly move onto actually solving the problem. 

Nonetheless, the past is the past and I am now responsible for doing my best to end that cycle of invalidation.

It can be difficult since we become accustomed to belittling our emotions and the emotions of others. You hear “you’re such a crybaby” for crying about losing something you really loved so often that it becomes easier to say the same thing to an actual child crying over losing their favorite blanket. It’s a skill that takes practice, I’m not always the best at it either. 

You’ll need to first become comfortable with acknowledging and identifying your feelings. I don’t know how else to explain this but you have to feel the emotions fully so that the emotions don’t consume you. If you feel sad, just feel sad and find a non-harmful way to express that even if it's bawling in bed or recording voice memos where you pour your heart out. Validate that emotion and the experience that brought it up. Now that emotion doesn’t feel as heavy as before and you might actually be able to combat the feeling with one that you’d prefer to feel.

We can’t change other people and their perception of us but we do have control over the way we speak about ourselves and our experiences. I challenge you to validate one feeling and experience that you have this week. And because I know you’re capable of doing difficult things, I additionally challenge you to validate someone else’s emotions and experience. Create more productive narratives about yourself and about those you care about.

Background music by Mat1k Beats

It’s been a long time and a lot has happened within that time frame that’s taken a lot of my attention. There’ve been significant new developments in my personal life. There have also been fun things going on in my professional life. I began my practical experience as a student counselor in February. Being a counselor has surprisingly been the most comfortable role to shift into as well as one of the most meaningful roles. I’m immensely grateful to be entrusted with such an important job and thankful to those who have shared a piece of themselves or their story with me. 

I have just 5% of my master’s degree to complete! When I began the program two years ago, I wholeheartedly thought that it would take me forever to finish and there were days that I really wanted to drop out…and by that, I mean every single day! I received a passing score on the exit exam on my first try so that was a relief! I’ve been consistently receiving good grades these past few semesters.

Another super cool thing that I did since my last Tosin Talk was publish a children’s book! I wrote a children’s book called Tiny Tim that talks about navigating big feelings and creating positive narratives about your emotions and experiences. It’s being sold on the Barnes & Noble website and on Amazon. It’s still surreal to say that I have a children’s book published on websites and storefronts that I frequent…it feels even more of a dream to know that people are actually reading and enjoying it! It’s so rewarding as a creative when your work gets noticed. The book was initially a class project and with some encouragement from my professor and colleagues and collaboration with a brilliant illustrator, I published a book! 

Anyway…what’s next? 

That’s genuinely how quick I move on from my accomplishments sometimes. I don’t sit in my success for long enough, I even make myself feel bad for not having a seemingly bigger accomplishment. I remember sobbing when I won a silver medal at an international science fair because I diminished its importance and only focused on how I could’ve done better.

The week after I released Tiny Tim was spent self-loathing. I was so hypercritical of the work that I put out into the world. I was beating myself up for not making it “perfect” despite not really knowing what the perfect children’s book was. I imagined the faces of people I loved and admired, reading my book and saying all the mean things that my mind made up to make the thoughts seem more true. I was fearful of letting people down because it wasn’t as amazing as some of you made it out to be. I didn’t believe that I was deserving of the praise and excitement that I received. And as a result, I discredited my work and told myself to do better. 

Something I noticed and others pointed out is that I’m constantly moving the goal post. As soon as I score one phenomenal goal, I’m on to a new strategy to earn another goal. I didn’t take a second to do a dance, wave to the crowd, or anything. Doing this creates the belief that nothing I do is ever enough. It’s a bad habit that I think I picked up from my culture and the way I was raised. It’s almost endearing to keep playing this game with myself because it means that excellence is my standard and I know that I can achieve it. On the other hand, it’s so unnecessarily exhausting and honestly unproductive to live this way. What good is it truly doing for me to tell myself that I wrote a “bad” story and no achievement is ever “good enough”? Am I really motivating myself to work harder or am I just making myself more susceptible to burnout? 

I’m extremely grateful and lucky to have received validation and praise from many others these past few months, it makes my accomplishments feel more real. However, I’m trying to remember that this is a real milestone and achievement, whether or not others say so. I did a really cool thing and I’ve done really cool things in the past as well! 

I don’t need the validation to make that true and no amount of criticism will ever make that untrue. At the end of the game, the most meaningful goal is making my younger self proud of who I am today. Another goal that’s important to me is helping at least one person with my words and actions. I don’t need to move those goal posts dramatically because I think I score those goals everyday. 

Background music by creek

This past year simultaneously flew by and lasted too long. I have an immense amount of gratitude concerning every emotion and event that I experienced in 2023. I’m glad to have experienced a wide array of feelings and states of mind such as disappointment, loneliness, contentment, bliss, ennui, confusion, confidence, appreciation, and many more. I am thankful to all the reminders that I am human, for better or for worse.

One of the greatest lessons I learned over these last 12 months in addition to the last 24 years of my life is how resilient my mind and heart are. My mind can undergo pain—trivial or tumultuous—but it can and will heal. My heart can be poked at or violently pulled in various directions but it can never be destroyed and the love I have for the world and its inhabitants will remain. I admire the perseverance and efforts of these organs. Despite all the horrors that they have witnessed, both still work their hardest everyday to keep me alive and well. I’m grateful to your hearts and minds as well for trying even when living seems like an overwhelming chore. 

The importance of community was greatly emphasized this past year. The idea of showing up for others and being grateful to those who show up for you presented itself to me in various ways. As a counselor-in-training, I’ve learned just how impactful it is to sit with someone as they process emotions. Sometimes bearing witness to what one may be going through is enough. Many around the world, notably those in nations such as Palestine, Congo, and Sudan, are experiencing inhumane treatment and suffering—it is so crucial for those in positions of privilege to speak up for the voices that aren’t being heard. I believe that we hold the responsibility of caring for and helping each other in ways that are in our individual power. Society is experiencing a loneliness epidemic (this might be an after effect of the ongoing COVID pandemic), we need to collaborate with one another to combat this issue. Individualism will not save us so community is important now more than ever.  

I believe that the most important lesson I was taught this past year was to exhibit unwavering authenticity. Being genuine to myself, to my beliefs and morals, and to the world became my top priority. There came a period during the year when I realized that I was feeling so down and despondent because I was struggling with being myself. I decided to step away from everyone else and discover who I am in this moment of time and love her so much that I refuse to hide her. The woman that I have become and the impact that she has made has been the most rewarding piece of 2023. I’m hoping that as I meet new parts of myself and evolve in my many identities that I don't lose who I am at my core.

Time is real but it isn’t real…obviously, since I’m sharing this halfway through January and haven’t written a blogpost since July 2023. It’s no biggie though, the writing is done on its own time. The concept of a new year is a social construct so don’t feel pressured to transform during this first month. Give yourself grace as you continue life at your own pace. 

I’m wishing you all a year of joy, abundance, love, and success!

Background music by jeongsin

Alright…I’m done being angry. I’m over being sad. I’m sick of being a victim. I’m tired of being distant. I’m letting go of resentment, defeat, insecurity, worry and wondering, guilt, and every other emotion that has plagued me these past couple of months. I’m releasing control and rephrasing the way I view things.

I’ve been away for a while, both on my blog and outside of my pink themed laptop. I experienced some personal challenges that called for me to retreat for a little bit. I was finishing up the school semester with what felt like my four last brain cells so focusing was a tremendous task. A few end-of-semester assignments were surrounding the topic of BPD so I think that brought up some shame for me. Work was becoming quite overwhelming and tiring. A few of my recently made friendships abruptly came to an end and once the Spring semester was over, it felt like most of my school friendships were headed that way too. I’ve felt really alone recently but that might've been the point.

I don’t think my hermit phase was necessarily a bad thing. I think I needed to learn to be alone and comfortable with my own company. This period alone allowed me to do some shadow work and uncover the parts of myself that I still need to confront and forgive. I additionally felt like the energy and effort I put into school, work, and relationships amounted to nothing and that this has always been the case. I needed time to put that energy and effort into myself so I could stop feeling like I was losing in every aspect of life. I was spiteful of the world and everyone in it. I felt undervalued, unappreciated, unimportant, abandoned, alone. I asked myself, the universe, and intuitive readers the same question, “I’ve done everything right, I’ve put in so much, I’ve suffered enough and I’m not suffering anymore so…why do I still hate my life?!” 

The answer has always been within myself. I just wanted it to be clearly written out for me, but where’s the lesson in that? I often assume that because I’ve endured trauma at a young age that every bit of hardship should cease and I should be living an absolute fairytale. I expect to never experience an obstacle that provokes personal development after just getting through the last one. But that would defeat the purpose of personal development. If I never faced a single challenge ever again, how would I become my best self? 

I consider myself a “forever student”, I love learning new things and refreshing or expanding my knowledge on things I already know. Rephrasing life’s challenges, even the ones I’ve experienced before, as opportunities to learn and grow has significantly impacted the attitude I have towards them. I’m not too scared of Tower moments anymore because I know that these experiences are for my highest and greatest good. They’re difficult changes to go through and I’m allowed to feel whatever I want to feel but remaining in the negative headspace seldom allows for progress outside my head. It’s hard to hold onto hope but it feels better than holding onto hate. 

I guess this was all part of my most recent life challenge and I was going to keep going through the same obstacles until I learned to view them less as barriers and more as moments to be better. I was going to keep holding onto hate, anger, shame, bitterness, and doubt until I was finally ready to freely feel love, peace, forgiveness, empathy, and confidence. I was going to keep asking every therapist and psychic the same questions until I listened to my intuition and found the answers in myself.

Here I was thinking some of the answers would come to me while meditating in nature…but they came while rejoining Instagram to post silly memes and while adding kombucha to my grocery list and while preparing my outfits for the Barbie movie and…when I just stopped asking.

Background music by Arcane Beats

“i am either a mighty tsunami or i am a calm ripple in the sea. i am either a blazing wildfire or i am the quick spark of a matchstick. i am either a violent tornado or i am a steady and gentle breeze. i am either a shattering earthquake or i am a small rock, crushed into sand. i am either too much or i am too little.”

I’m on a balance beam of emotions but rather than actually attempting to make it to the end of the beam, I’ve been standing still and refusing to try. Sure, this method prevents me from falling but it also prevents me from reaching the end. I’ve recently been restricting myself from feeling because I’m afraid of having my emotions consume me. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to feel emotions on an intense level. Anger becomes rage, sadness becomes sorrow, love looks like obsession, joy feels like euphoria. That current emotion takes over your entire being and it truly feels like you’re held captive by your feelings. I’ve been so scared of being trapped on an emotional rollercoaster again that I’ve barred myself from feeling anything at all.

During my last therapy session, my counselor told me that she observes that I’m engaging in emotional bypass but she’s not surprised since I’m a counseling student. I’ve been intellectualizing my feelings and trying terribly hard to convince myself and everyone around me that I’m too cool to experience emotions. As a counseling student with a lived experience, I feel pressured to uphold an extraordinary level of stability and poise. I worry that if I ever feel down, it means that I’m not actually getting better and that I’m not fit to be a counselor. However, I have to remember that I’m a human, first and foremost, and that means that I’m going to feel a wide range of emotions. There’s no shame in being sensitive. 

The masking of my emotions came immediately after exposing a bit of my heart. I was vulnerable in my last three Tosin Talks—I discussed the shame I have about rushing relationships, feeling lonely while needing love, and still experiencing some minor symptoms of BPD. I also revealed certain feelings and shared emotional intimacy with those in my personal life this past month. An alarm went off in my head as if I had bared too much of myself or let people too far into my heart and I went into lockdown as a result. I became too afraid to cry because I didn’t want to be the depressed girl anymore; too afraid to love because I didn’t want to love too hard and be abandoned; too afraid to have needs because I didn’t want to be seen as needy or too much to care for; too afraid to be happy and hopeful because I didn’t want to eventually be heartbroken.

I’m going to experience those feelings whether I want to, expect them, allow them or not. To still maintain some level of control of my emotions, I try to feel them as they come. I try not stuff them all into a box until it finally explodes. I learned the hard way that avoiding emotions altogether will only bring a flooding of feelings. I thought the way to balance my intense feelings was to not feel at all but what I truly needed to do was to experience and validate my emotions in the moment. And honestly, it’s really not that bad to have an emotional breakdown every once in a while, as long as I’m keeping myself safe and utilizing healthy resources and coping skills. It’s okay to be affected by others, to feel emotions and respond from the heart, to have needs and vocalize them. Feel bliss, heartbreak, passion, gloom, peace, worry, yearning, and everything else in the emotions archive—it is your right as a human to feel and you shouldn’t take that away from yourself.

Background music by Arcane Beats

I haven’t really directly talked about symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder on my blog because I haven’t felt ready to discuss the real horrors of the disorder; I wasn’t even sure where to start and how to talk about my story. Additionally, I just haven’t been as affected by my symptoms as I used to be. For years, I have been working hard to recover from the diagnosis that I received in 2018 and undiagnosed symptoms that I experienced before then. Recovery is possible and I believe I’ve survived some of the worst parts of the disorder but BPD is a mental illness that greatly impacts one’s thought processes and perception of the world so I still experience the long-term effects of it.

I haven’t had a typical “BPD episode” in about 3-4 months. I don’t think I’ve self-harmed in about 6-7 months and I don't have constant urges to do so either. My reactions and responses are a lot less intense these days which probably means that my mental health has improved. Now that the life-threatening and extremely destructive symptoms aren’t a main issue, I am working on my issues with emotional impermanence, interpersonal relationships, splitting, and chronic emptiness.

I still struggle with the well known BPD concept of a “favorite person”, especially since a long-term relationship recently ended. I try to be cognizant of when I may unconsciously make someone else my new favorite person but it can be difficult to notice since my symptoms aren’t that intense anymore. Now that I process and evaluate my feelings towards someone, it’s not as easy to realize if I just really like and admire them or I’m idealizing them. The downside to when I realize that I might have idealized someone that I’m close to is the devaluation and emptiness that follows. The shift isn’t as grandiose as it used to be and rather than switching from black to white, I move between dark grey and light grey. I’ve been working really hard on not letting others’ thoughts, opinions, and worldviews become my own or heavily impact the way I perceive myself. I used to shapeshift to become whoever I assumed my favorite person wanted me to be. Now, I’m discovering my true self and learning to love her and choose her every time.

I definitely still experience mood swings but the highs and lows aren’t very high or low and they mostly occur on or around my period. Something that’s frustrating to still experience is emotional impermanence. I wish I had a better hold on an emotion and did a better job of remembering that a certain emotion will return. Another symptom that I still occasionally experience is chronic emptiness. I feel what Charles Baudelaire called “ennui”. I feel extremely detached and like I’m watching myself live this silly game of mundanity. I feel disconnected from the city I live in and some of the people I interact with and have little hope of this issue improving. I haven’t yet discovered what triggers my feelings of numbness and emptiness, it’s almost like I’m splitting on life itself. However, I’ve been combatting the emptiness by creating and stimulating my mind. I’ve been reading, learning new things, and writing a lot more.

Sometimes I get disappointed in myself for still experiencing minor symptoms. I understand that BPD can be a lifelong journey even if/when I no longer meet diagnosing criteria but I am fearful that I may never have a healthy, happy, long-term partnership or have my emotions completely in check or feel at home anywhere that I move to. I’m learning to give myself the same grace that I would give a future client or my younger self. I’ve come so far, my progress is definitely observable and I can acknowledge my effort and the results of that hard work. I’m not expected to completely rid myself of over a decade of mental health challenges in just a day. If I’m being honest, I didn’t expect myself to even live this long so I’m simply proud to be alive and sharing my story with you all. 

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or emotional distress, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or text “HELLO” to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. For more education, advocacy, and support about BPD, visit the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (neabpd.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org).

Background music by Mist3r

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’m a Leo venus or because I have BPD and attachment issues but I tend to fall for people too fast. I’m prone to idealizing people if they hold a few traits that I admire and give me the slightest bit of attention. I relate to the Chet Baker song “I Fall in Love Too Easily” and find myself falling “in love too terribly hard for love to ever last.” It’s especially complicated when I did all this idealizing so early on and as I’m actually getting to know a person more, I discover a trait that I dislike and switch to devaluing them. I always described myself as “bad at making and keeping friends” but I’m only now understanding the behaviors that I engage in that may have caused that. I take responsibility for the part that I played in unhealthy and failed relationships.

I recently watched a TikTok video by @dyllllly where she discusses treating strangers like strangers and not feigning a deep connection with people who you’ve just met. Dylan says, “You can meet someone and just have amazing chemistry with them right off the bat, that’s already an amazing thing. Don’t add the extra pressure of that meaning you know who they are at their core.” Being a hopeless romantic, I’m always trying to make deeper meaning out of the ordinary. I’ve always had difficulty with just letting things be and not tying some romanticized meaning to an interaction. I’m so used to expediting connection due to my desperation to be close with someone, anyone. I feel for my longtime friend who has had to listen to me talk about how I know people that I just met or how I feel so deeply connected to a person that I’ve only known for a few days. I think this is why I used to overshare so early on into meeting people, it reinforces the imaginary connection that I made. I also think this is why I used to sleep with people without truly getting to know them, it reinforces that connection for them but once the situationship has ended and they claim that we shared good times together, the times they’re referring to are solely sexual. I realized that I feel unfulfilled in a lot of relationships because I don’t allow them to move at a natural and healthy pace, I’m taking instant intimacy and gratification over true connection.

I’m actually very ashamed of the way that I used to behave. I’m judging myself for interacting so immaturely in relationships and for victimizing myself when I didn’t help the situation much either. However, I’m trying to keep in mind that I’m only 23 and I’m healing from numerous years of trauma and mental health challenges. It’s impressive enough that I’m aware of the way I behave and even greater that I’m doing the work to change. These aren’t lessons that I was taught as a child; I never learned about boundaries, or how to prioritize my needs, or not to people please, or how to stop giving when I feel like I’m not getting enough back. Even if my caregivers briefly mentioned these lessons, they seldom modeled it in the relationships I had with them. As a teenager and young adult, the fact that I fell so fast and imagined a connection when there was little-to-nothing there made it easier for others to take advantage of me. An additional benefit was being able to pin the fault on me for being so “emotionally attached” or “naive” or “nice but dumb to only see the good in people”. 

I’ve only recently become aware of this problem and even more recently, have been thinking of ways to solve it. I think the reason I say I miss undergrad so often is because it was acceptable to fall into friendships and romantic relationships so fast and not truly get to know each other. But it’s evident that this method didn’t create strong friendships as I’m no longer close to any of those people. I don’t want to continue fast-tracking friendships and sacrificing true, long-lasting connections. Now that I’m a little older and being more present in my relationships and intentional about the ways I connect with people, I’m learning to take things slow. I’m understanding that true connection takes time and effort, even if there is something that instantly attracts you to another person. The friendships that I’ve made recently are teaching me these lessons and I’m immensely grateful for that. I’m learning to get to know people as they are in each moment and not necessarily for their potential or the potential of our relationship. I’m being respectful of others boundaries and learning how to set and respect my own. I’m indirectly being taught how to just let things be and not always feel the need to discover the intention or meaning behind everything. It’s actually been extremely rewarding to live this way, not only does it take away this overwhelming amount of pressure but it also makes me feel more secure in my relationships. Getting to know people and letting others get to know me at a healthy pace creates safety, security, and stability that I’m not used to having but I’m very thankful to have earned. I don’t have constant anxiety that they may abandon me nor do I overthink what I said and how they reacted because trust and intimacy were being built as we became more vulnerable with each other over time. 

This is still very recent progress but I’m proud of myself for finally becoming aware of this and putting in effort to be better for myself and with others. I’m hoping for more opportunities to learn and grow and more rewarding experiences. Thank you to my long-time friends for not giving up on me and staying in my corner. Thank you to my new friends who have influenced my growth. Thank you to my therapist and those that share their healing journeys. Thank you to my angels, guides, and mentors. And most especially, thank you to myself.

Background music by Edward Timershin of "I Fall in Love Too Easily" by Chet Baker

I haven’t been very vocal on this blog in a long time because I’m slightly ashamed of it. A lot has happened in the recent past that I’m still actively recovering and growing from. It’s been difficult to be myself—if I even know who that is—and accept most aspects of who I am. I desperately want a space to be my authentic self and where else is better to do so than the blog that’s dedicated to me talking about my somewhat unfiltered thoughts.

My first semester in this counseling master’s program is coming to an end! The most difficult part was adjusting to higher education in a new city all by myself; however, I’ve been in this situation during undergrad so I think I handled it better the second time around. I’ve done well in terms of academics and I’ve developed positive relationships with my professors and peers. I’ve learned so much fantastic information including various therapy modalities, qualities of a good counselor, and how to navigate being a counselor with a lived experience! It’s so cool to be part of the club after years of dreaming of this. I’ve wanted to be a therapist since I took AP Psychology in 9th grade; I give tons of thanks to my amazing teacher for fostering my love for the way the mind works. I’m learning what it’s like to be in the other seat during therapy; finally being in this position is a testament that things do get better. I don’t say this often but I’m glad that I didn’t take my life at 10 or 17 or 19. I’m honored to still be here, learning how to help others remain here. I wanted to get better so that I can help others get better and I’m getting closer and closer to that point.

Along with being in a new city all by myself came the difficulty of making friends. Most of the times that I’ve cried recently have concerned feeling alone and being worried about how others will perceive me. Since my last Tosin Talk, I’ve deactivated my personal social media accounts and I don’t really talk to anyone from college. A lot of my personality relied on social media and although the person I am online is almost identical with who I am in person, I feel like I don’t know how to be a person anymore. I find it difficult to know myself outside of my relationships and social interactions so the loss of those friendships felt like losing myself too. After two years of virtual school and a year of being back home, I’m desperate to make friends. News flash: making friends in your twenties is hard! I’m still not in a place where I feel like myself; I’m still in the process of finding myself and recovering from the damage that the pandemic did to my social and emotional development. I’m trying to balance being myself but being cautious of how much of myself that I reveal to people because I don’t want to “scare them away”. I’ve spent many nights crying about how my friends may not feel the same way about me or they think I’m annoying or they think I’m too fucked up to be a counselor or I talk too much or talk too little or that I don’t make any sense when I do talk. Fortunately, I’ve made a great group of friends and I admire many things about each of their personalities. I’m grateful for their presence in my life and the fact that they include me; I appreciate them more than they probably know. It warms my heart that they want to get to know me and spend time with me. 

I often worry that my desperation for friendship and connection is obvious to everyone. I try not to ask others to hang out or have study sessions too often. Grad school is very different from my freshman and sophomore year of undergrad when if I was having a bad day or wanted social interaction, I could just walk to campus or down the street to my friends’ apartments. We were all at similar points in our lives too so there was plenty of relatability and encouragement for friendship. Time and again, I find myself reminiscing on undergrad and thinking, I miss having friends…I used to do fun things with my friends…I miss exploring and engaging with the world…I miss dressing up and going out…I miss connection and intimacy…I miss myself, I miss being myself…I miss being full of love and light…I miss hugging friends and holding hands as we cross the street…I miss sleeping on the couch after having a day of picnicking or a night of drunk karaoke. But those times are over and I don’t know if I’ll ever get those kinds of connections or feelings again. Granted, there were some pretty god-awful events during undergrad but the highlights were some of the best moments of my life. It’s been implied by others that I need to grow up, be professional, and deal with the way life is but there’s this incessant call telling me that what I really need is to be myself and live a life of fulfillment.  

I have a particular intrigue with Jungian therapy; I’m fascinated with the idea that we have a desire to become our whole Self again. I truly feel like I’m in the middle of a journey back to myself. This roadtrip to my whole Self has been filled with many flat tires but beautiful sunsets; overheating engines but delicious food at local diners; heavy rain but lovely conversations. In an article about Jungian group therapy, Justin Hecht mentions that at some point in an individual’s life, there is a call from their psyche that their life is “felt to be devoid of meaning” (Hecht, 2011). I’ve recently become dissatisfied and even angry with my life—I’m finally at a point where I’m not constantly experiencing trauma and intense symptoms of a mental illness…so why am I still unhappy with my life? What am I missing? What am I still doing wrong? I feel that I have suffered enough and worked extremely hard to pull myself up from rock bottom; I deserve to live a life that I enjoy. 

I think I’m in the stage of finally acknowledging the call but feeling unsure of what to do next. I assume that I’ll figure out the next steps soon, as I’m completing my master’s and even beyond, so I’m hopeful. I’m excited to learn more about the formerly repressed parts of myself and more about the world. I'm excited for the life that I’ll live in the future. I know there are still some tire bursting potholes ahead of me but the opportunity to enjoy the scenery or get to know someone new will make the pit stops worth it. 

References

Hecht, J. B. (2011). Becoming Who We Are in Groups: One Jungian’s Approach to Group Psychotherapy. Group, 35(2), 151–165. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41716127  Background music by Eric Godlow Beats (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msNh_Ou_nwU)

The only personal social that is somewhat active is my Tiktok but I rarely post and use it mainly for viewing/communicating with close friends. I don't think I'll be coming back to my personal Instagram and I'm definitely done with having a personal Twitter. It's been difficult for me to feel comfortable/safe sharing my authentic self and since graduating, comparing myself to others is an almost daily occurrence. Maybe therapy will help with the paranoia, self-loathing, and perfectionism I experience with social media and I can eventually return to Instagram or join a new site.

Hello anonymous friend,

I'm not sure of who you are but I want to apologize about our friendship. I often get carried away and more recently, I've felt the need to disappear. I've been trying to work on being a better friend, I think I owe quite a few people apologies for the way I've been recently. I'm very sorry.

I was actually about to disappear from this account as well but this message is making me reconsider. It means a lot to me that you're hoping well for me and my words resonate with you. Thank you for still having kindness in your heart about me. I hope you're doing better as well. I hope that soon you'll be surrounded by genuine friendship.