You know I think that one thing I struggle with a lot is being resentful of other people. And, I don't mean the innocuous stuff like being resentful of cis women becsuse they can just... Be women and so on. I mean being resentful of other girls like me. (Though it's very much there.)
I think a lot of us struggle with it, and I never actually act on any of these feelings, but they're there you know? Like... Girls who had access to HRT early, girls who had access to puberty blockers, girls who have the money to afford GAC and treatments..
And, it's really hard sometimes. I don't hold anything against them, I am happy for them really, but that... Pit is always there. That resentful longing, that like, feeling of what could have been.
People might think lesser of me for talking about it, but I think it's actually really normal, and I think the... Shame of feeling says a lot about society and how you just have to walk on egg shells especially as a trans woman. You're not allowed to complain, you're not allowed to show any negativity because you have a responsibility to be strong for the others like you.
Like, idk, it's been on my mind a lot. I started HRT a bit later in my 30s, and being poor means I just have to deal with a lot of things like having to shave every single day and of course... My voice. Some days I think I'd rather go mute than hear it ever again. Things I may never realistically be able to afford to deal with.
Or another prevalent resentfulness I'll feel is like... I've been stuck in this rough spot for a long time now. Being unemployed due to being unhireable because I'm an out trans woman in conservative place, a state denying disability, the usual hurdles you'll see. But, every so often I'll see another girl like me with a donation post. And, unlike mine, they make a lot of rounds and inevitably hit her goal because she's managed to build a platform over time.
Its no one specific, like, there's several I'll see going around and this is by no means a condemnstion. Those girls need the money and I'm happy someone who needs it IS getting it.
But, it's still so fucking hard not to be resentful. And, then you get the inevitable wave of feeling like shit for being resentful. Or, worrying how you'll be crucified for daring have these feelings. And, I don't know. I'm just kind of saying it at this point to get it out.
I hate it. I hate feeling this way, no matter how normal or healthy it might be. And, I think I hate even more how people will often respond to these things negatively, because like how dare you have these human emotions. Which wraps around to another form of dysphoria that is unique to TMA people, being given the old you shouldn't feel talk. Or you shouldn't feel THESE things talks, like you got when you "were a boy" and dared have emotions at all. It brings up all of that bullshit again.
I have these feelings about other things too, like anyone doing well off who doesn't have to deal with the trauma of being poor at large. People who've never had to struggle for a thing in their lives, abled people who don't have to deal with worrying about being accommodated, the usual. But those are the ones that hit me the hardest I think.
And, the shame of feeling these things is just bullshit. From others or even yourself, but it's there, and just... Fuck. You know?
