Tom's Writings

I’ve always liked building puzzles.

Something about taking scattered pieces of a whole,

and putting them back together is fulfilling. 

-

As I open the box,

and dump the contents out. 

I stare at the pieces before me

wondering where to start.

I try to not look at the box art for any clues 

as I get to work on the edges.

I feel it’s a good place to begin,

so I’ll have a good framework

to work within.

-

After the border,

the first couple pieces, can be a little hard.

But eventually

I start making progress.

The picture starts to come together,

and resembles what I thought I bought. 

-

Towards the end though.

I notice some pieces are missing throughout, 

and I have no more laying around.

When I look under the table and carpet

I can’t find them.

-

So I have this puzzle

sitting on my table, incomplete,

and it’s destined to remain there.

As I’ll never be able to finish it,

The past,

as its name suggests,

has passed, 

and the future 

we have no claim over.

Only by grace

are we allowed tomorrow.

The present,

the right here,

the right now;

this is the only thing

we are guaranteed.

-

It would be foolish

to not consider either.

For the past has shaped today, 

and the future 

is on the horizon;

but, 

if we are to cast our focus to them;

we would be forfeiting our present,

in which we are confined.

We would be forfeiting our chance

for its pleasures.

-

Why would we want to throw that away?

Why would we want to soil that chance

with anxieties, or delusional false beliefs 

that may never come true?

-

To live in the future,

or the past.

To believe that the past can be changed,

or that the future can be altered

in your image alone.

These actions are nothing

but follies of fools.

I had never tasted raw honey before.

I had never had it straight from the source.

I was missing all the benefits honey had to offer,

and I had no way of knowing 

that you were giving me processed poison;

while telling me this is what honey tasted like.

-

You were my first supplier of honey,

and even though the taste was foul; 

I had no reason to mistrust you.

You ended up using that trust to your advantage,

and kept feeding me more and more poison.

-

I began to like the taste.

I had become so accustomed to poison

that real honey tasted bitter on my tongue.

I had come to believe that poison was honey. 

-

By this point, unfortunately for me,

I had been consumed by poison. 

It coursed throughout my entire body;

it flowed through my veins, and

it had corrupted my heart.

I had turned into someone so void of honey;

you couldn’t find a drop in my body.

-

That’s when you decided 

you didn’t like the person I became.

Even though you helped transform me.

That’s when you determined that 

I was no longer of any value to you.

Then you left me 

with all that poison still inside. 

-

After you cursed me;

returning to myself was hard.

I had to fully drain the poison.

That took awhile,

and it took me awhile to realize

how much damage had been done.

It also took someone new 

to start showing me the difference

between honey and poison.

-

As your curse began to lift; 

my taste buds returned. 

It was sickening to realize how foolish I was.

I believed you the whole time, 

and now the thought of you was revolting.

-

I couldn’t believe I mistook honey for poison. 

But, at last, 

I was finally free of your awful taste,

and now with the curse you put on me lifted. 

I could finally taste honey for what it was worth,

and now knowing the difference between the two;

I used to hold grudges

against people 

I believed had done me wrong;

who had caused me pain.

-

I would often dwell 

on these grudges and pain.

This never seemed beneficial,

and it would often manifest

into something worse.

-

That resentment 

would turn into a hatred,

and that hatred

ended up being consuming.

-

It played a role

in all my thoughts, 

and those thoughts

influenced all my actions;

my perception of reality.

-

All I could think about

was getting revenge 

on the people 

who made me feel this way.

-

I wanted them to feel

the same pain and grief

they had caused me.

The world seemed unfair, 

and I wanted justice.

-

It felt like 

I couldn’t rely on anyone 

but myself.

It felt like

I would have to be

my own avenger.  

-

Due to my ignorance, 

and being consumed in wrath.

I couldn’t see

that this vile mentality

was only causing more harm.

-

The worst part was 

I was harming myself, and

the people around me

who loved me and didn’t deserve it.

-

As I lost myself, my heart,

and my mind,

brewing in self-made toxicity.

Nothing changed 

for the people who hurt me.

-

It didn’t affect their lives.

They couldn’t care less. 

It only affected mine, and

I should have cared more.

-

All this taught me 

to let grudges go.

It took me a while, 

and cost me a lot 

to learn this valuable lesson. 

-

I won’t forget the harm

those people caused me,

but I have learned 

to forgive and let go.

-

Others can dwell on the past,

and agonize if they want.

But I won’t allow myself 

to suffer anymore 

over things I cannot change.

-

All I can do is move forward 

trying to become a better person,

and try to influence 

Tell me about your day.

I want to hear it all

even if you think it is mundane.

I will listen to every word

with open ears, mind, and heart.

I have read what you think is private.

It terrifies me

if that is how you really feel.

How do you keep it all inside?

-

Please, tell me about your day.

Do not stay trapped in your head.

I know you sit there consuming yourself.

Instead of telling me what is wrong.

I know you are afraid of what I will think.

I have walked in those shoes before.

Fortunately, for the both of us,

I already know why you are hiding

as you sit in the shower crying.

You try to gain warmth from the water

because of how cold you feel inside.

That warmth will only be temporary.

You need a permanent source because

eventually you will feel nothing;

no matter how far you turn the knob.

-

Tell me about your day because

it is okay for you not to be okay.

No matter what they might say.

They are not you, so

how could they know 

what you are going through?

-

Some people do understand.

Instead of being stuck

try to open up 

I know it is hard, but I ask you to

please tell me about your day.

I have been searching

for someone like you.

Someone to help me

make it through.

I have been searching

for all my life.

So will you tell me

it’ll be alright?

-

Because

even when I try to sleep

you like to follow me into my dreams.

I can’t catch a break from you.

You’re all that crosses my mind.

Someone like you is so hard to find,

so I can’t let you go without a fight.

I’m going to try with all my might;

day and night.

-

I have been searching

for someone like you.

Someone to help me

make it through.

I have been searching

for all my life.

So will you tell me

it’ll be alright?

-

Because

I won’t treat you like those other guys.

I don’t want to play games with you;

this isn’t just some woo I’m trying to spew.

Maybe I’m coming on too strong,

but when I’m with you nothing feels wrong.

I’ve been waiting to feel alive.

I’ve been waiting for a love to arrive.

I just want to be apart of your life.

I’m not trying to bring you any strife. 

-

I have been searching

for someone like you.

Someone to help me

make it through.

I have been searching

for all my life.

So will you tell me

it’ll be alright?

-

Because

I have been heartbroken

on my search for you,

and I know you’ve been broken too.

If you give me the chance

I can show you

how lover’s should dance.

I want to mend your heart

not tear you apart. 

Let me know when I can start.

-

I have been searching

for someone like you.

Someone to help me

make it through.

I have been searching

for all my life.

So will you tell me

it’ll be alright?

{revised}

Somehow I survived the crash.

Though, I have been mortally wounded.

The effects have yet to reach me.

-

I feel bitter, adrift, and dazed.

I know I need to stay on the move, but

I do not know what to do.

-

It feels like I am living on borrowed time, so

I need to take every second I am granted

to give you something you have never seen.

-

I know you have been waiting for me.

I will not try to escape my fate.

Just sit back and watch patiently.

-

I need time to get the choreography down.

I want my last dance to be perfect. 

I will not make you settle for lesser.

-

All I need from you is your attention, and

I will make sure it is worth it in the end.

Spare me the time to put on my final show.

Do you no longer want to be in pain?

I have what you need to take it away.

You will not have to suffer anymore;

you will be able to cast away

all your problems. 

-

I promise you will love it.

You will be instantly hooked.

As long as you take what I give

your mind will be distracted 

from whatever issues bother you.

-

Are you also feeling alone? Well

I can be your new best friend.

You can call me anytime, and

I will come right on over.

-

You will need to pay me.

That is just how this deal works.

Have you not heard that

nothing in this life is for free?

-

I am a very busy person, and

I have other friends to meet.

If money is not on the table

I simply cannot spare any time.

I will stay in touch though, so

-

let me know 

if the effects stop working.

I can put you on something stronger.

If that is what you truly desire.

It will carry more of a risk, you might die.

You do not need to go elsewhere.

I can get whatever you need.

-

The day you see through me

you will finally be set free.

I am only manipulating you.

While you are under my thumb

you will never be able to heal;

unable to solve your root issues.

{revised}

When I was a child, I still am, but 

when I was much younger.

Whenever someone asked me

what superpower I would want,

if I had the ability to choose,

I would almost always say, “Immortality.”

How foolish of an answer that was.

After answering 

I would sometimes be asked,

“How would you cope

with losing the people you loved?”

In my hubris and ignorance

I would often reply,

“I would learn how to lose them,

and learn how to love others

in their place.”

Oh, if only love were that simple. 

-

What I did not understand, and

could not grasp, at the time, was that

some people you just cannot replace

no matter how hard you try.

No matter how many other people

you go through trying to find

that same love you previously shared.

You will not be able to replace it.

You will be able to love again, and 

with other people, but

that love will not be the same.

It is hard for me, now, to imagine

a life of constantly losing loved ones, 

for an endless amount of time, and

being able to remain happy

with myself and the choice I made.

I would not, and do not wish to be Immortal. 

{revised}

You’re acting like

I would have never found out

what you were saying

behind my back.

-

You would brag about 

pulling a fast one on me.

How foolish could you be?

I let you just so I could see.

-

You’re acting like

I didn’t know 

that you were reaping

on my generosity.

-

They say you can corrupt a heart 

with a simple gift.

Well,

I found out who 

I was dealing with.

-

You’re acting like

I didn’t receive clairvoyance

to see through all the lies 

you tried to spew. 

-

I believe none of your words, 

and only half of what you do.

I know exactly 

how you like to move.

-

You’re acting like

I would have never found out

what you were saying

behind my back.

-

Why couldn’t you say it 

directly to my face

Were you too afraid?

Tell me what you told them.

I want to hear every word.

{Stanza 6 is inspired by Edgar Allen Poe’s quote, “ Believe nothing you hear, and only half that you see.“}

{revised}

Once you pull that trigger; 

the firing pin will strike the bullet 

causing an unstoppable chain of reactions.

What do you think happens next?

-

Do you believe all your suffering

will just suddenly end?

I know that is what you hope for, but

have you actually thought this through?

Are you absolutely positive

you won’t end up somewhere worse?

How can you be so sure?

-

All you will be doing 

is transforming your temporary pain

into a permanent suffering, and

passing that curse down  

to everyone around you; 

to anyone who has ever cared for you. 

Leaving them to pick up the pieces of

a life you just left scattered.

-

I know you’ve held that barrel

to your temple before.

You know how

cold and hard that steel can feel

digging into your soft flesh.

-

Could you please put down the gun?

Your hands are trembling.

You can’t see clearly with all the tears

clouding up your view, and

I wouldn’t want you to miss your shot.

If you did;

you would end up in a worse state.

-

You will still be conscious.

You won’t be able to hear a thing

for hours. You will just be lying there

surrounded by smoke.

The smell of sulfur and charcoal

will be so intense you can taste it.

You will be lying on the ground

in a pool of crimson blood

waiting for someone to

discover your limp, soaked, body.

-

I ask you, once again, to 

put that gun down.

Take a long look at the person

who has their finger on the trigger.

Then look at the person

who they are aiming at.

Even though they share a body

they are not the same person.

{revised}

I went to sleep

that night

with a screwdriver

under my pillow.

-

As if that screwdriver could 

protect me from him.

It did give me some comfort.

I didn’t feel completely defenseless.

-

I ended up crouching

at the corner of my window.

I was trying to peak

through the blinds

without being detected

by him.

-

I was terrified he’d show up.

My heart pounded

as I sat there watching;

clutching that screwdriver.

-

For most of the night

I sat there and watched.

Luckily all I ever saw

was the patrol car

stationed outside our house.

-

Could you also not sleep?

Were you just as terrified

as me from the abuse, and

his hidden use?

-

Why did you ever

let that man in our house?

Could you not see

what he was?

-

You kept a gun

from thereon out.

-

You showed me where it was,

how to load it, and

how to shoot it.

In case he ever came back

forcing us to use it.

-

I went to sleep

that night terrified

with a screwdriver

under my pillow.

-

I’m sorry

I couldn’t help you.

I was just a child, and

I didn’t know what to do.

{childhood memory}

When you’re ready

I’ll be right here.

I’ve been waiting for you

this whole time.

-

I cannot force you

to come to me.

You will have to come

by your own accord.

-

I will never cast you away

if you seek me

with an open heart;

I’ll be here to receive you.

-

If you’re closed off

I won’t be able to reach you

no matter how much I want to. 

I won’t be able to show you.

-

How desperately

I wish I could show you.

You have so much potential

locked away.

-

You have so much 

you can offer to

everyone around you.

I’m here to help.

-

I’ve been waiting for you

this whole time.

When you’re ready

No one looks at me

the way you do.

No one sees me

the way you do.

-

When you look at me

it’s as if you don’t see

all the evil

I have done.

-

When you look at me

it’s as if you only see

my most virtuous parts

that others are blind to.

-

When others are disgusted

to see me;

you are always excited

to see me.

-

Whenever I feel alone

you are there to prove me wrong.

Whenever I’m feeling down

you are there to pick me up.

-

Even when I neglect you,

you stay by my side.

Even when I mistreat you,

you only give me love.

-

I wish I could view myself

the way you view me, but

you don’t know how hard it is

to see myself

the way you see me.

-

No one looks at me

the way you do.

No one sees me

the way you do.

-

I’m grateful for you, and

I don’t deserve you.

I thank you, and

{This is based off a dream, so if it is nonsensical that might be why.}

I had another opportunity

to meet you. I was thrilled

because I fumbled the first

chance to actually see you.

-

I had to go home first

to prepare myself, 

so that I looked

my best for you.

-

As I was getting ready

I felt this force bear down

on me. I had never felt

something so strong before.

-

It was as if the gravity

suddenly doubled down.

Every movement I made

was hindered by this force.

-

I kept trying though;

I kept on moving. 

-

I saw someone watching

me struggle. I asked 

if they could help me;

if they could turn off

this intense gravity.

 -

They said, “No,

you have to keep moving despite it.”

-

I became a little irritated,

but I accepted it, and

I kept trying to get ready.

I wanted to see you.

-

Every movement felt like

I was like wading through a sand trap

with a boulder strapped to my back.

I kept on moving though.

-

By this point the gravity 

had reduced me to a crawl.

It just kept intensifying.

I was trying to make my way

towards the door, but

I could barely move an inch.

-

This feeling of desperation

washed over me.

It seemed like

I wasn’t going to make it.

-

That didn’t stop me though

I was determined to make it out. 

I didn’t stop moving,

I kept trying to reach you.