#mike_ftw

Remember when Timothy McVeigh blew up Oklahoma City and 80% of the news was about him being a Christian? Yeah, me neither. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 159

Haven't figured out this hotel shower head. I just looked up while shampooing and waterboarded myself. I provided no useful intelligence. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 116

I think when you see how happy Daddy is on his new jet ski with his new chest hair you'll forget all about wanting to go to college. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 113

Look at the bright side of this unemployment report. The number of people hating their jobs is at a 26-year low. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 105

"Goddammit, you bitch! You never backed away from anything in your life! Now fight!" - Me. Just now. To my toilet. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 101

No, Punkin. It isn't candy. Daddy has to take a special medicine pill so he can be useful to Mommy. @Zaius13 (Damn Dirty Ape) – 87

Working my fourth 12+ hour day in a row. On a positive note, I found some cookies in the trash can. I mean break room. Whatever. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 69

How was the walk? Good, except she got into it with the neighbor's dog then crapped in their yard. I think it's time to put Nana in a home. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 62

I have a wild night planned to remove fuzz balls from my sweater vests and not get laid. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 61

This library is great! Free WiFi, comfy chairs, complementary snacks. Little low on books, thoug- Wait. I think I'm in someone's house. @aedison (Avery Edison) – 61

So there I was ordering a latte at Starbucks and hating mainstream music, when it occurred to me that I might be too white. @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 60

I dated the Pillsbury Dough Boy & all I got was this lousy yeast infection. @Trick_or_tweet (Miss Creant) – 58

Show me on this shark where CSI jumped you. @roughdiction (RoughDiction) – 56

Sorry, but when you named your dog 'Ninja' I just assumed you taught him how to catch arrows with his mouth. RIP Ninja. @FriedWords (Derek) – 54

Flying. My girlfriend is scared. Unfortunately she'll need to console herself back there since I only paid to upgrade myself to first class. @JephKelley (Jeff Kelley) – 52

Big Bird turns 40 next week. Just imagine how big his prostate is getting. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 51

I SWEAR! The powder on my face is actually cocaine. I didn't even see the box of donuts on your desk. Oh this? It's blood. Not jelly. @MrBigFists (Jonathan Sloan) – 50

Somewhere In Maine sits a Priest wringing his hands in joy of a political victory, just before he places them on the penis of a young boy. @Beef_Tongue (Canterbury's Tail) – 50

Wife: “I just coughed up the biggest loogie.” Needless to say, there’s now a trail of hastily torn off clothing leading to our bedroom. @smilinbjones (Chris Pinckney) – 49

"Heeeeeeeeeere's Farrahhhhhh!" "Heeeeeeeeeere's Michaellllll!" God: "Dammit Ed. Cut it out." @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 155

It's a whole lot easier to find the clitorisn't. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 120

Dear guy in front of me buying a crossbow and frozen taquitos: Do you want to be friends y/n. Did you know I have Point Break on DVD. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 112

Congress took a moment of silence for Michael Jackson. Which is one moment longer than they took to read the stimulus bill. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 102

BRUCE WILLIS HAS BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME! @giromide (Pantse Macabre) – 97

I once visited the Italian island of Capri. There was lots of sun. But no drinks in little foil bags. Nobody even got the joke. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 90

What's black and white and dead all over? @thedayhascome (Josh Hopkins) – 89

You say I'm coloring outside the lines. I say I'm making new lines. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 79

How do I attach a throatpunch to an email? @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 77

Who died and made you King of Pop? @lisarahmat (Lisa Rahmat) – 76

Does anyone know if Annie's ok? @zolora (Theresa Couchman) – 72

Last night I had the dream again. I'm on the floor eating food from our cats' bowl. I'd get help, but my coat has never been this lustrous. @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 65

If there is an afterlife, the choices are, best to worst: "Heaven," "Purgatory," "Hell," and "TMZ.com scoops everyone on your death." @adamisacson (Adam Isacson) – 63

OH SHIT YOU GUYS I KNOW WE'RE HAVING FUN TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE DYING BUT I HAVE TO GET BACK BECAUSE I THINK LEFT THE IRAN ON. @jasonpermenter (Jason Permenter) – 61

Seeing the inlaws for the first time since my MIL saw pictures of me shirtless at the beach. Hope we can get past all that sexual tension. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 58

The internet was invented so that people could feign nonchalance until they explode in a fit of butt-hurt. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 58

Everything sounds like a euphemism today: Get some meat from the freezer. Put a load in the dryer. Trim the bushes. Masturbate for an hour. @abigvictory (Michele Catalano) – 58

GoDaddy expiration notices are anniversary cards for that night you got Zima-drunk and thought of a very, very clever domain name. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 58

Sorry, Iranians, but it's not like you sold 70 million records or something. @joeschmitt (Joe Schmitt) – 57

Joining a Facebook group about creative productivity is like buying a chair about jogging. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 147

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool thrice, I start to get nervous because I don't know the word for "four-ice". @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 82

Me: Start Video Chat. Her: Hang Up. Me: Start Video Chat. Her: Hang Up. Me: ?? Her: Just talk to me. I can see you fine from across the bed. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 56

Boy: This volcano is an 'explosive diorama'. Get it? You get what I did there right?!? Me: I'm getting you on Favrd. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 52

Why are there no atheists in foxholes? Is it because they're in college? @Remiel (Gabriel) – 48

During sex, where should my legs go? During cuddling, where should my arms go? Intimacy is a Woody Allen movie starring an octopus. @AinsleyofAttack (Ainsley Drew) – 47

Me [naked]: Aw yeah, you might want to put your glasses on to take this in. Wife: You look like Clive Owen. Me: Keep the glasses off. @essdogg (Essex Mortimer Dogg) – 45

Telling someone about Favrd is like giving them their first joint and then later watching as their teeth rot out of their head from Meth. @LidMo (Unavailable) – 42

While there are many good reasons to despise Mac users, our unearned smugness about malware is the most cockpunchingly annoying. @hotdogsladies (Merlin Mann) – 41

RT @THE_REALTOR_SHAQ whoeva touches me gets 3k off 4br/2bath fixa uppa n da 602. daaaam @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 39

i just yelled at an apple. i'm at the point where i need to "get a life" -or- where i "got a life" for not taking that apple's shit anymore. @baileygenine (Bailey Siewert) – 37

Moved a couch. From the basement. To the attic. By myself. Without swearing. It's like I don't even know myself anymore. @Moltz (Moltz) – 37

"...and that's how Snow White ended up w/ 7 little men that couldn't satisfy her." At this point I was asked to leave the kid's bday party. @Yayaa (Yaya) – 36

A guy outside my window is preaching in tongues to another guy perched on a bucket. I think it's my bucket. I'll be back in a few minutes. @trelvix (Trelvix) – 35

So proud of myself for not having that 18th pancake this morning. I am a model of self-control. I'll treat myself to some ice cream later. @Moltz (Moltz) – 34

I set the BBC News site to the UK version to see what they *really* say about us. And folks, it's a lot like sitting in a Korean nail salon. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 33

Logos I'm sporting on my run: Underarmour, Nike, Adidas, Reebok and Asics. Puma, call me if you want to jump on this slow-moving billboard. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 32

Making fun of your wife for having a big fat guy in her relationship history is not nearly as effective when that guy was you. @CranberryPerson (N/A) – 31

Sometimes I use the air blower to dry my hands. Sometimes I just walk fast. HAVE FOUND NO DIFFERENCE. OTHER THAN BEING CLOSER TO DEATH. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 30

Dear parents, Michael Phelps didn't sign up to teach morality to your kids; YOU did. He DID what he signed up for. Do the same. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 69

Yes well if I'd KNOWN I was going to be strip-searched outside of the Cinnabon today, I wouldn't have WORN your thong. Oh stop crying. @fireland (Joshua Allen) – 62

I accidentally told my Mom text messages come from the internet. Oh well. She once convinced me an invisible sky man gave a shit what I did. @Remiel (❑) – 57

Unless they've been training 15 hours a day for the last six months, I'm guessing Michael Phelps wasn't your kids' role model anyway. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 55

Almost three million jobs lost during David Cook's reign as American Idol. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 50

They should make a Matlock reunion special where the plot fully explains the upcoming digital TV transition. @badbanana (Tim Siedell) – 49

I finally figured out how to make long URLs Tiny. Go to: www/http:thebestwaytomakelongURLsintolittletinyURLsfortwitter.com/wehavethetiniest @rainnwilson (RainnWilson) – 45

Jim and I are going to make a podcast. It will be 20 minutes of us making fun of each other followed by 10 minutes of make-out noises. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 45

Perfect spelling is overraped. @texburgher (Geoff Barnes) – 44

America should apologize to Michael Phelps for being fat, underachieving, lazy, self-loathing and jealous of success. @Mike_FTW (Mike Monteiro) – 54

Good. Clean. Fun. Pick two. @SeoulBrother (SeoulBrother) – 51

I guess there's a reason they don't call them "Just The Right Temperature Pockets". I want my nerve endings back. @detweiler (Detweiler, Brian) – 48

When you fall ass over elbow on the ice at 28, what hurts most is your pride. When you fall at 38, what hurts most is your ass & your elbow. @hoosiergirl (hoosiergirl) – 47

I would like it more if instead of just wearing lots of dark clothes and eyeliner, gothic teenagers dressed up as giant cathedrals. @emilybrianna (Emily) – 44

Live-tweeting the Super Bowl is still less lame than anything Kawasaki uses Twitter for. @CcSteff (Stephanie) – 40

Listen. I don't know what yours is all about, but my Hokey Pokey is all about social alienation and cold war anxiety in 1950s America. @sween (Jason Sweeney) – 38

The alarm is going off in the science lab, and all these idiots are running *away*. #questforsuperpowers @aedison (Avery Edison) – 37

To be fair, Michael Phelps thought he was smoking the dried and ground adrenal glands of baby seals. @awryone (Josh Donoghue) – 37

I signed an online petition.

That's not something I usually do. But this is a White House petition and it deals with something close to my heart.

Create a national holiday to celebrate First Responders.

Created by Mike Monteiro, the petition is described as this:

First Responders are selfless, brave, and heroic. They are us at our best. In times of crisis their actions save lives. They walk towards danger without thought to their own safety. And their actions remind us, time and time again, of what we are able to achieve for each other when we are being our best possible selves.

They deserve a day of recognition. Every year.

My father was a fireman. He worked in Bushwick, Brooklyn at a time when Brooklyn was mostly on fire. He has also been involved with the volunteer fire service here on Long Island and runs a firefighter's museum. 

I grew up with a bona fide hero in my house. For no matter how much it frightened me that my father ran into burning buildings for a living, I admired him for it. When he came home with tales of putting out raging fires or rescuing children from those fires, I couldn't help but think that my father was a true hero.

He taught me to appreciate all first responders. The firemen and policemen, the EMT personell, the doctors and nurses and all those who run to a scene that everyone else is fleeing from. 

These are the people who put their lives on the line every day in order to help their fellow human beings. They are there at car accidents, at medical emergencies, at fires and scenes of crimes. They do small heroic things like rescue cats from trees and large heroic things like head into a dangerous scene of terrorism without regard for their own safety so they can help victims. 

They put everyone else before them. They risk their lives so that we may live. They do this for a living and they do it voluntarily. 

We all know by now that Mr. Rogers quote about finding the helpers. The first repsonders are the helpers. They are the people who rush in as we rush out. They are the good we find in bad situations. They are the people who warm our hearts when we are feeling despair in the midst of a tragedy. They are the people we look to when the chaos and confusion of a disaster takes over. 

First responders are reminders of the possibility of good in all of us. When tragedy strikes, it is usually photos of the first responders that we keep in our hearts to remind us of the positive we strive to find in a tragic situation. They are reminders that while people can do horrible things to each other, there are more people who will rise to the occasion and be selfless and giving and heroic.

Let's set aside a day to thank these brave heroes. Let's honor them and let them know we appreciate the sacrifices they make, the time they give and the risks they take so that when something tragic and horrific like a bomb at a marathon happens, we know we can look for the helpers and they will be there. They will always be there.

First repsonders don't seek out praise. That's not why they do what they do. Which is all the more reason to give it to them.