Doc

Even in the house it was LOUD.  Probably the loudest thing I have ever experienced but at a normal, predictable interval.  You would begin to time your sentences with little pauses with the rest of the lighthouse crew so you would talk like this while making your………..HORN…………. tea and then carry on talking because you knew when it would go off.  It rattled the walls and the dishes in our cabinet.

At least one girl had died there. They kept photos of her everywhere “in honor of her sacrifice” because she had decided to take the winter watch alone and died in a storm where bounders the size of mini vans had been lifted out of the ocean and left scattered across the island, to say nothing of the ice chunks.  People weren’t allowed to be alone on the watch after that.

One day a dead moose washed up on shore and it took my entire crew all day but we managed to rig up a line to hang it up to dry because we thought having a moose skeleton in the house would really spice the living room up a bit.  It did.  Weird shit happens when six of you are left alone, like ALONE ALONE, no cell reception, no wifi, just a radio to contact the real world and not a lot of reason to do that.  People don’t go on lighthouse jobs if they want to stay connected, I’ve found.

can you imagine small romantic bean lucanis hearing about the crow from house arainai who fell in love with the hero of ferelden? of course the talons are furious. and even the older crows are annoyed (because now their targets are going to try to seduce them and they'll probably be terrible at it and it will just be embarrassing for everyone). illario calls aranai a sucker and a sap and possibly tells lucanis about the rumors that house arainai buys children from whorehouses for next to nothing and "you get what you pay for"

but while lying in bed late at night after a brutal day of training (i.e., abuse), maybe lucanis finds himself thinking about the stories and songs. arainai fell in love with a hero. he helped saved the world. he had friends. maybe he even saw a wyvern. it doesn't sound so bad to lucanis

but of course, he would never abandon a contract. he would never leave the crows. he would never turn his back on his house and leave caterina and illario behind

so imagine his surprise two decades later when he gets his chance. he falls in love with a hero. he helps save the world. he has friends. (and after the veil is guarded, rook absolutely took him out wyvern watching)

and he didn't even have to leave his old life behind. he doesn't have to live in exile away from treviso. he doesn't have to turn his back on caterina and illario and teia and viago. for once there is no price to pay or sacrifice to be made

for once he can just be happy

someone will

someone out there will see you and say "yes. the world is scary. but let me hold your hand and show you how to do it anyways"

curious what this will tally out to. if you've played multiple choose your favorite. please reblog for wider scope!

Fuck staying hydrated by drinking enough water - eat! more! wet! food! (watermelon, cucumbers, SOUP!)

Feels great to be really high up in your house where you can see the whole place (loft bed loft bed loft bed loft bed!)

Express yourself as clearly as possible when people are touching you and you don't want them to.

Optional, but you can also express yourself clearly when your people are not touching you and you want them to.

Sometimes it's important to just go "hmm. actually, I don't care" and wander off.

You don't have to be the strongest or toughest to defend yourself, it's enough to just be difficult enough to not be worth the trouble.

and poor lucanis, romance reader that he is, is probably hyperaware of it all. so when rook starts flirting with him (especially a rook who is not a crow), he's probably thinking, "ok. this is what they're expecting. i can do this. i can be this for them"

and then he just... can't. it's not in him. it's not who he is. and you just know he beat himself up over it. he'd see it as just another failure, just another way that he isn't what he is supposed to be

he has spent his whole life walking the razor's edge of caterina's expectations, and now he is plummeting to earth. he failed to kill ghilan'nain. he failed a contract. and now he can't even manage to forge a romantic connection with someone, even when he wants to

(it makes me wonder if caterina even pressured him to take a partner, to have children, to carry on the dellamorte name. and did anyone in that family model a healthy relationship? were his parents in love? did caterina's expectations lead her children to marry whomever she deemed fit? or was she more forgiving when her legacy seemed more secure? does lucanis even remember his parents? and what about caterina's spouse? what were they like?)

lucanis managed for more than thirty years to be the perfect assassin, to be caterina's perfect grandson, the perfect dellamorte. he has kept any doubts, any imperfections, any spite locked tightly away inside himself. and now it's all spilling out into the open