Okay admittedly I’m not a lawyer or at all really qualified to talk about this but I think it’s important to expand on this with what knowledge I do have and what some of the comments have said.
This advice ^ can only help you so much.
There are dozens of stories in the comments of people who thought their partner would be a decent person in a divorce but were proven completely wrong.
There are also tons of stories out there of people who were wonderful, caring partners, who post marriage unveiled to be abusive.
One thing you should do before deciding to get married is talk with your partner about a prenup (prenuptial agreement.)
Now yes, that sounds awful because you don’t want to be out here planning your divorce at the same time you’re planning to spend the rest of your life with someone, but hear me out.
-> A prenup isn’t a “it’s inevitable that this will fail” but rather a “marriage is a big contract, let’s write down some specifics of what that contract means for us.” A prenup isn’t just about divorce, it’s about writing down some of the agreements you’re making ahead of tying your lives together.
Discussing a prenup helps you contextualize what you’re doing when you’re getting married. Your lives are going to be entirely connected, what do you want that to mean? What will that look like financially, medically, and logistically?
If one person is entering the marriage with assets and/or debts do those become the assets/debts of the couple? Or do they remain the individuals responsibility?
In the event of divorce do assets acquired as a couple get split by approximate value or sold with profits split?
If one person has or makes more money than the other under what conditions do they have to pay alimony? And how does this change if the financial roles drastically change?
For example some people write at-fault clauses (cheating clauses most frequently) into prenups that void certain parts of the contract -such as custody or alimony.
In the event that you have children, what’s are the expectations and terms for each person? -This is especially important in straight relationships where the woman does not want children. idfc if the man “doesn’t want kids” either, you need to write in that you’ve agreed to not have children and what would happen in the event of an accidental pregnancy. (aka come to an agreement about abortion, specifically in your marriage.) In the event that you as a couple change your mind (especially if it’s the man convincing the woman to have kids) then you need to update your prenup with what you’re both agreeing to in regards to kids: if he says he’ll get up every time the kid cries in the night and you won’t have to worry and then he doesn’t do that that is breach of contract. There are too many stories where a man convinces his wife to have kids after they agreed to be child free and then leaves her because she “let herself go after kids.” You deserve to have a safety net.
Even just bringing up the topic of a prenup will show you how your partner handles themself in a high stress high stakes conflict.
A lot of people see prenups as things only rich people/people with high likelihood of divorce have, and it can freak them out, so seeing how your partner reacts to you brining it up can be a good test. I think testing your partner is a crappy thing to do, this is the one exception, mainly because it’s not some hypothetical or false situation, bring up a prenup because you want to talk about writing one, not just to see how they react. See how your partner reacts to the idea of losing you/loosing control over you. If your partner adamantly refuses to listen to why you want one, refuses to consider the possibility that your marriage may end in divorce, or refuses to even discuss a prenup, then that is a red flag, and there’s a possibility that they’re hiding something (financially, personality, etc.) or that you (as a couple) aren’t ready for marriage yet. There’s also the possibility that you’re not an amazing communicator and just approached the convo like “here sign this paper that says if you cheat on me I get all your money” in which case you really need to work on yourself bbg…
If you’re able to talk to your partner and have a healthy conversation about the fact that you’re about to make a big life step together and before taking that step you’d like to get entirely on the same page about some things then you’re on your way to a good marriage. Communication is half the battle.
One way you could approach the conversation is: I’m super excited for us to spend the rest of our lives together, as part of that I want to have a sit down before we get married where we go over some of the legal aspects of what marriage & possible divorce means. I love you, and I don’t see that stopping any time soon but people change their whole lives and in the event that we change too much to be compatible I want us to have already addressed & agreed on some terms when we’re were feeling level headed & in love.
At the end of the day marriage is a big contract, and you want to go into it prepared. Both for the good and for the bad.
Don’t expect the bad thing to happen, but do be prepared if they do. You may think your partner would never cheat but to be fair most people who get cheated on don’t expect it either.
A good prenup protects both parties, both in marriage and divorce. They’re not a surefire guarantee of a good marriage or a good divorce but they sure do make it easier.
