you can call me Berry or Mort (he/him)
Despair is simple, and humanity is complex.
I'm not putting my whole age in here because, y'know, privacy, but yeah I'm not a minor, so do with that information what you will
If this blog looks familiar, it's because I'm the guy who Shakespeareifies posts.
Click here for Shakespearified posts
I don't have a "DNI", but fuck terfs
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"i mean yeah it's fine that you're in a monogamous relationship, man, but, like, you're letting her have friends, right? she can go out and you won't freak out? her texts are private? she doesn't just say 'alright sure' every time you want to have sex? you interact with her friends and family without trying to make her look good? i just wanna make sure this monogamy is ethical"
the other week i was talking to a girl and she told me that her boyfriend made her cut off one of her friends (or only see him at group settings) because he was jealous. and in the meantime that man got shot and died. and she missed out on her last two years with him. and i started seeing fucking red
egypt, 4th-1st century bce. the angle here is startling and charming to me and appears to have been standard at the time. at first i had difficulty imagining the lock it would fit into. looks like a guy clenching his big hand at you 🫴. A+
north china, 3rd century bce. hey everyone SHUT up. everyone SHUT UP for a fucking second and have some RESPECT while i tune my ZITHER with my beautiful little BEAR KEY. i said SHUT UP!! i am KISSING HIM. A+
roman, 1st century bce-4th century ce, highly whimsical. this is not so much a key as a whole Creature. i wish he lived in my house. A+
roman, 3rd-5th century. lowkey whimsical. hermetic af. huge fan of the wings. a rustic, functional asymmetry that makes me clench my fists with enthusiasm: it looks like it was made to please the artisan. i picture the keyholder spinning this idly around a finger, perhaps whistling through their teeth. rubbing the feathers with your thumb when you're nervous would feel soooo good i bet. A+
roman, 1st century ce. nonwhimsical. stern and to the point. do NOT whistle while spinning this key. it is for business. someone has probably designed an ancient bomb for a video game using this as a reference. A+
roman, 1st-7th century ce; roman, 1st-7th century ce. you'd think this many pleasing shapes would cancel each other out but they don't. a cascade of excellent geometric figures into which the spirits of various cultures either encountered or subjugated have breathed. A+
roman, 1st century ce. i love a Little Guy, obviously. i do feel like i could pick the lock he is supposed to guard. A+
german, 13th century; french, 13th or 14th century(?); german, 14th century. i'm going to be so real and vulnerable with you guys right now. i would love to lock a beautiful, weeping stepdaughter into her tower room with one of these and then slip it deep into the fitchet of my outer gown, smiling cruelly. perhaps patting it with my long, bony hand to be sure it is secured to my girdle: good, it is. ha ha. she will have to be rescued by birds, who will later peck my eyes out. A+
german, late 15th century. What if you were german in the late 15th century and your girlfriend gave you this key ring with two little guys dancing on it and was like "that's me and you :)". would you cry? probably not actually, because you would be german. A+
german, 15th century; german or south netherlandish, 15th century. platonic ideal north european keys to me, relatively simple yet extraordinarily satisfying to look at and, i imagine, to use. if my front door locked with one of these keys i would never feel bad about myself again probably. A+
french, 16th century; italian, 17th century. i imagine these are the the equivalent of those pens with liquid inside where you can make the lady's swimsuit come off by tilting it. i would be touching those tiny metal boobs and butts so much. A+
french, 16th century. OPULENCE subtype DEMONIC. cenobite ass key. A+
india, 18th century or later; russia, 18th century. these are padlocks not keys but on the other hand: hell yeah! horseys! hell yeah!! hell yeah horseys! hell yeah!!!! A+
french, 19th century; german, 18th century. the elaborate chamberlain/ceremonial keys are not always my thing—the appeal of a key is often in its mystery and i find these keys unmysterious—but i can't knock the craftsmanship. A+
benin, 16th-19th century. now this is a fffucking key! ìgùn érọ̀nwwọ̀n strike again! Little Guy on there perhaps doing a bodybuilder puff up pose: check. pleasing angles: several. an elegant simplicity that gives worksmanship without being distracting: absolutely. tiny top ring so you can attach it to something without covering the guy's face: innovative. A+
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... you know. If I could transform into someone a CEO is ethically obligated to help and then punish them for failing to do so, in such a way that they can only be accepted into society again if they learn basic moral lessons about decency, I don't think I would do anything else ever again.
was at a bar and a 50+ year old drunk white woman complimented me and my friend's outfits, told us there was a campsite up in northern maryland where a lot of gay bears go to have sex in the woods. we asked her how she knew about this and she very aggressively said "because i'm a FAG HAG!!! but i'm not allowed to say that anymore I GUESS!!!"
media: we have an anti-authoritarian story for you!
me: sweet hit me with the good stuff
media: so there's this marginalized underclass of people, right?
me: okay
media: and they're like, stigmatized for something that's mostly an aspect of how they are born, or where they're from, or they're badly misunderstood, right?
me: yup, got it, I'm with ya
media: so these people are rebelling against the current social order, because it's the instrument of their suffering
me: oh good great sure
media: but also they're violent and deranged and need to be stopped
me: ...what
media: yeah they're going too far, they're trying to overthrow the system and assassinate the nice cop trying to help them and also they burned down an orphanage
me: ...why? would they burn down an orphanage??
media: extremism is bad
me: still not seeing what this has to do with their fight though???
media: also now they've shot a dog. oops they shot another dog
me: what?! why? I though their motive was to overthrow oppression??
media: yes but their suffering has also made them evil
me: ...???
media: don't worry though, the good guys will defeat them and restore the status quo
me: the status quo that's been killing people?
media: well it turns out it was only killing the kinds of awful people who burn down orphanages and shoot dogs :)
me: oh. this is actually a pro-authoritarian story, isn't it?
media: nooo of course not don't be sillyyyyyy we're super progressive look one of the cops is a black lady don't be sillyyyyyy
Fun how the bystander effect was coined to cover up how cops are bigoted cowards who let a queer person die and stockholm syndrome was coined to cover that the cops handled a hostage situation so badly the hostages trusted their captors more than the cops.
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The AI boom has changed literally nothing about my day to day life except I now have to work harder to get access to reliable information, all the important admin work is being done wrong, and I keep getting DMs letting me know the perfectly ordinary and plausible photo I liked was actually a fake image generated by a fascist to generate views and churn out ad money for the purpose of funding their tree-powered puppy-flushing toilet
"But how are you living life WITHOUT Doctor Leroy's Magically Invigorating Nerve Tonic? I can't imagine getting anything done without it!" <- old-timey 1800s guy who has been drinking crank and goat piss daily for the price of a shiny nickel
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