ArcaneThought

He’s just an old man…he doesn’t have any of the Batman’s gadgets or training or fighting skills!

Alfred: Oh my you’re right

There’s something else of Master Bruce’s I don’t have as well

Alfred:

Woman wielding wool cards and dressed like a very fashionable peasant while a cat cutely prowls around in the background: “But I mean just imagine being in love with a creature who lives inside your own consciousness? I mean, you share your perception with them as if you were one entity. Can you even, can you even fathom seeing yourself through their eyes in the third person, naked and vulnerable and exposed from the inside out, and feeling their savage love for you as though it was your own emotion? Loving the, loving them at all would force you to confront the mortifying ordeal of knowing yourself, of loving yourself, okay? It’s, it’s not just about the, it’s not just about the shape shifting alien sex, okay? It’s about the paradox, it’s about the pining, it’s about the metacognition, and it’s also about the shape shifting alien sex.”

Terran ambassador: "I'm sorry, what? The translator isn't catching that phrase."

Klingon ambassador: "Your Qongbogh chalDaq tlha' Dat loD. You know, the ones who change with your lunar cycles."

Terran ambassador's assistant: "Qongbogh chalDaq tlha' Dat loD? The...wolf men?"

Humans: I'm sorry, what?

Bajorans: the hairy people with the big feet?

Humans: ?!

commissioner gordon: Harley and Ivy have hijacked an AM radio station and taken the employees hostage

batman: what are their demands?

commissioner gordon: they haven’t issued any. they, uh.

batman:

[commisioner gordon turns on the radio]

harley: —you gotta walk away, sweetie. His family sounds completely toxic, if not outright emotionally abusive, and he’s too enmeshed to see it.

caller: no, you’re right. you’re right. I gotta do it.

harley: you got this, honey. now, stay on the line a minute, I’m writing down some the names of some books for you and you can get those from Ivy after we’re done. okay! our next caller —

[commisioner gordon turns off the radio]

batman: what station is this?

commisioner gordon: WGTM.

batman: the one that rebroadcasts rush limbaugh?

commissioner gordon:

batman:

This not only mirrors so much of what’s happening in America, but feeds right into the complex relationship between Spiderman, the authorities and the media. 

Peter Parker is a brilliant student, awkward, a nerd, but is branded a thug, a gang member, a criminal, because of his appearance. The media latch on to that and misrepresent him totally.

like really wants to

and bruce can’t sleep at night, like he was up all night wandering around the manor and like he almost discovered the bat cave while playing the piano 

omg, our son in law is in crisis, let’s move in and take care of him.

Bruce, surprised with Lucius being surprised at his constant attendance in the WE, does a bit of research on his pre-amnesia persona and is DISMAYED to discover that he used to be such an uncaring airhead and wows to change that, starting now! How could he demand of Tim - A BABY! - to full in for him while he cruised with the models???! 

Lucius tearing at his hair because how you keep Bruce Wayne away from his own R&D???

The family dismayed that now Bruce is on a warpath of being a Good Dad and they have no peace to do their jobs, because Be wants to sped time with them and they have to pretend there’s no shady stuff happening!

And Jason! Bruce is perplexed by Jason! Isn’t he supposed to be dead? All the papers said so and his death certificate is read… what?! 

Dick, panicked: “He was… witness protection program!”

Jason: “Yeah! I had to pretend to die and then went undercover! Now I’m a…I- I work for the FBI!”

Bruce: “Oh… I’m so proud of you, Jay!” 

So Bruce always takes the time to reassure Jason that just because his memories are gone and they obviously were in the middle of a fight or something, he’s still his son, he’s glad he’s alive and this isn’t going to change when he gets his memories back

Jason: *visibly trying not to burst into tears and cry on his dad’s shoulder because part of him is still a fifteen year old who just wants his dad to be proud of him and say, ‘I love you,’ out loud*

Alfred: *entirely pleased because Jason is now spending more time at the mansion and Bruce is displaying never before seen levels of emotional intelligence*

OH.

Damian.

Poor Damian with his mother and excuse for a childhood, oh my Lordy, how does one go about explaining Damian’s behavior to civilian!Bruce?

Damian: What do you mean he doesn’t know he’s Batman?

Bruce: You are my son? That I was unaware of until you were ten? And your mother and I don’t speak to one another?

Damian: *entirely speechless because how does one explain the al Ghuls?*

Bruce: You…your first language was Arabic? I apparently speak Arabic, why do you not call me father in your native tongue?

Damian: *still speechless because his father has no knowledge of him and yet it’s very clear that he is still loved beyond Batman and Robin and he’s not sure how to take this at the moment*

Bruce being upset with past him because he went out with all the women- publically- while Clark was at home and entirely aware and he’s kicking himself and promising to be a better partner, a better father and a better CEO.

SO ITS MORE FUNNY THAN ANYTHING

Putting the full text of the NYT article that the first tweet was responding to underneath the cut.

Link to the original tweet: https://twitter.com/speechleyish/status/1275990670663012352

Link to a couple of more serious threads about exactly why the biennial “Durian: the Freakshow Fruit” articles are so annoying:

https://twitter.com/amirulruslan/status/1276088736296472577

https://twitter.com/amirulruslan/status/1276313332492845056

Uncle iroh has Hawaiian shirt energy

Sokka also has the same energy but no sleeves

*During House assigning*

Professor McGonnagal: Wednesday Addams.

Wednesday *begins to get up*

Sorting hat: Yeah no, no, sit back down kid. You’re Slytheren. I have never been more sure of anything in my existence.

*Later at Slytheren dorm*

Draco: Well look, if it isn’t Potter’s little Mudblood sister, listen up you little...

Wednesday: *Shoots Malfoy a glare which instantly silences him.* You will listen to me and listen carefully. I do not like repeating myself. Harry is off limits. In fact, everyone in Gryffondor is off limits, that goes for the rest of you. If you cause ANY trouble for my adopted brother, you will answer directly to me. Is this understood?

Draco:...Yes mum.

*Later in potions class*

Snape: Potter, you were two seconds late, twenty points from Gryffondor.

Wednesday: *Picks up beaker and smashes it on the floor.* Professor Snape. I have wilfully destroyed school property. I believe that is a twenty point deduction from Slytheren house.

Snape: Did you? Well I didn’t see it so.

Wednesday: *Gets up, walks to the front of the class, looking Snape in the eye the entire time, smashes another beaker on the ground right in front of him.* Twenty. Points. From Slytheren.

Snape:..... Alright then twenty points from Slytheren.

Wednesday: *Returns to seat, still glaring at Snape*

Snape: Now before we get on with classes I have the results of last weeks pop quiz, fairly expected stuff, Mr. Weasley you did adequate, but your penmanship was atrocious which is...

Wednesday *Grabs another beaker and holds it up with a look on her face that says ‘I can keep this up as long as you can old man’*

Snape:....Something you should work on in the future.

*Later*

Draco: Can’t you just expel her professor?

Snape: Well I could in theory, but considering her muggle father keeps somehow sneaking in here I think whether she has permission to be here or not is rather Academic. Besides, I’m not crossing her after what she did to Umbridge.

Gomez: well that makes him family, we must invite him over.

Harry: but father, everyone says he's trying to kill me.

Gomez: oh, of course, how thoughtless of me. Lurch, put away the swords for guests and sharpen up the good swords we use for special occasions! A relative visiting is one thing, but a murderous relative needs to be celebrated.

Mortitia with man eating plants

Pugsley with explosives

Wednesday just keeps pulling bigger and bigger weapons out of those tiny pockets on her dress. She has a wand but never uses it!