#osdd1a

every day is convincing other parts that YES we DO have to keep living until a natural death. Everyone keeps complaining that its taking too long. girl we have like, millions of millenia to not be alive and youre complaining about an at most 60 more years 🙄 then turn around and say actually thats too short and im scared now. Not to mention not all of us may be concious participants for all of that time.

I’m struggling with blankness while the different ages of myself decide which I’ll be…

I hate agesliding

I hate plurality

I’m stuck between 5, 14, and 25

I don’t want to be 14 but I’m tired of being 25

the backstory:

so a couple days ago, i dissociated hard. not too unusual, but this was much more intense and lasted for about two hours. it has happened like that before, but it is very rare. so after that was over, i looked into dissociative disorders and came to the conclusion that i probably have at least one somewhere which. yeah not surprising considering the *~trauma~*, most of which i have zero memory of, and even more (separate) trauma that i didn't even know happened until my aunt told me :D

so anyway. fast forward to this evening; i've just had an appointment with my therapist a few hours ago. all of a sudden, i look into the mirror and it. feels- i don't wanna say normal because it hardly ever does, but it feels right, like this is who i am, no questions asked. the fact that this is such a rare feeling is concerning on it's own i think. on top of that, i felt shaky and unbalanced like i haven't been in my own body for a while (still am just a bit). then i remember Evelyn. from the ages of about 12-15, i seemed to have vague/brief conversations with someone else in my head, though she never had a name until the later times (while writing this i do remember a time in middle school where i felt like my name was Nyx, not my given name, and went as far as to write it on my homework papers which i have never done before or since).

i have not a clue in the world why, but my mom and i were talking about personality disorders. apparently my guess as to what it looks like from the inside was very accurate (she has a friend with some such disorder), and i told her how that's kind of what i experienced with my own trauma, and told her about Evelyn. now, Evelyn has never been quite so distinct, nor has there been any major amnesia since leaving the traumatic setting, which is why i claim OSDD and not DID. i've read others' posts about how it feels like you're never really separated and instead just more fuzzy parts of a whole which frankly describes my experience very well. i've also become aware of the term facet, which i think is what Evelyn and Nyx are. i think i also have one who goes by Annie-Ruth.

so. what are y'all's thoughts on my situation? not looking to get diagnosed here because it is tumblr and that is a very bad idea but i don't have anyone who can reasonably give me a second opinion at the moment. i've been reading article after article and blog post after blog post (to gain personal insight) on what this might be and if anything, i feel like this might be what it is.

i've started keeping a behavior catalogue for separate 'moods' so i can track it better and try to see what's really going on

(the other option ofc is that i'm deluding myself and spiraling, convincing myself i have a disorder that i Do Not Have.)

HEY UPDATE TO THIS POST: (if i'm not deluding myself) Evelyn is back and she decided to write her own entry in the behavior catalogue. she also hates the word behavior, finds it demeaning apparently. we had a very interesting conversation after which i had a massive fucking headache and i feel mildly sick. so. i have less doubts about this now