#ossd1b

Some notable changes are:

- Silas. It's a great change and I'm glad that he's here. But it's still a change and I think I can take just one at a time. I wish I can pick only this one.

- Hugo and Anne tried to fuse together, as if they could do that as a choice? But Hugo ends up transforming into whole new person, like his whole ass face, voice, age and outfit changes and now we got two fictive and two factual in the system. He's got soooooo much older and I don't know how I feel. I already miss his old smile tbh.

- Cas experience insecurity for the first time in his existence.

- I got panic attack, fucking how? It sucks. I don't want that anymore.

- Anne's depression seemed to eased down the more we work together. And for the first time ever we asked about her age (since she's frontstuck we just assumed that she's the same age as the body) NOPE. SHE'S THE YOUNGEST OUT ALL OF US. And she managing life as an adult. No wonder she's depressed.

The other reason why we decided to do it, it's because our history is much deeper and richer than what we got with others. It was just the two of us for a year. We got through the trauma together. And over time, we share the same dream job. Same values. Same way to process thoughts. It seems like the only difference is that I am not funny at all, and she got severe depression. A depression that was seems to eased quickly when we co-fronting. So why not merged into one consciousness together?

Of course other headmates opposed to this idea, especially Mish. It seems like this past month is the best time in our system. Oscar finally stop changing his identity and become a fully developed alter who's now called Silas. We talked so much and even having games and stuff in an app called Antar, truly recommended for our fellow plurals. Anne finally accepted that she's an alter too and that she can't do this alone. We worked like we're in military, distributing duties and giving a lot of advice from the headspace when needed. It's truly the best time. But it's making me realize too that I'm ready to move on to the next step.

There, I said it.

It's like you are in the backseat, watching the frontseat getting crushed by another car, and the driver (anne), bleeding all over the place, gave you thumbs up and muffled "hey it's okay it's another Tuesday for me don't worry, you guys need anything?" and you can't do anything about it.

And that's why I'd do anything for Anne.

It's me Hugo. I am sorry but I think I am going to take over this blog. This blog is not going to be about van gogh anymore, but our journey, mainly me, as an alter who won't be able to fully front and got no other place to be myself but here - other than my headspace obviously.

Today is Misha's day, which means he got to co-front with Anne. They did a great job today, fixing things around the house, doing laps at the lake, eating healthy - things that Misha's wanted and Anne just being dragged in a healthy way.

But I can't do that on my day. It was yesterday and it sucks. We spent too many times on the phone because Anne is fully fronting most of the time. We had our fight that night, but quickly I found that I am at fault. I think about Anne too much. I let her do stuff I want to do but I am just watching, observing from the headspace. That's not how Misha's spent his day. He told me to "dragged her ass into your bidding". That sounds a little bit sus, but Anne agreed 100%. She said that she won't be here torturing her body by doing exercise. Misha is the one who did that, she just sitting beside him, "enjoying the ride".