i fucking hated your shoelaces this entire time
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@ivybladewitch
i fucking hated your shoelaces this entire time
for the uninitiated

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https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cwydx34kzlvo
"Vanderhorst had been under the influence of MDMA and three litres of vodka she had consumed on the night of the offence last September, her lawyer Michael Hill told the court."
three. liters.
i support women's wrongs
I love this post especially the rat part
going on me feed
what do you mean there are exactly zero rats i. this post
DOES IT NOT STOP
stop. analyse that text through the lens of its author's intentions and original historical context. okay now take the author out back and kill them dead and analyse that text as though it were published by your mutual yesterday and is in direct conversation the contemporary discourse that's most relevant to your life. okay now pick your favorite angle of interpretation and come up with the strongest possible argument against it. now imagine that the text is your best friend and that it means you well and that you naturally give it every benefit of the doubt because you're on its side and you want the best for it. now imagine that the text wants you dead and it'll eat you if you don't eat it first. now pretend that you found this text locked away in a cave with no evidence of when or where it came from and you have to divine its meaning solely through its internal coherence and nothing else. okay now address the elephant in the room aspect of the text you've been ignoring because you find it boring or confusing or uncomfortable and become the number one expert on it. now spend forty minutes assigning all the characters dnd classes with at least three sentences of reasoning each. okay now do the cha cha slide.
in conversation about white people who go to Japan and expect their knowledge of anime to culturally carry them, I was once posed with âitâs like if there was a Japanese guy who was obsessed with spongebob and came over here and thought he could get by just communicating in spongebob quotes.â This is a false equivalence because if such a man existed we would crown him king. Weâd love him. Americans would fucking love that. sometimes I get sad that this isnât a real guy I can invite to a party.
The only recent insult to American culture that I can recall causing any kind of mass offensive was The Great British Bake-Off's description of s'mores as something one can make with gourmet digestive biscuits, chocolate ganache, and a lightly caramelized Italian meringueâand that shit wasn't even meant as a deliberate attack.

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the artemis ii mission reminds me why i love humanity so much. they play pink pony club for the astronauts. they have issues with microsoft outlook. one of the astronauts named a moon crater after his late wife. a jar of nutella just flew by. they make 67 memes because theyâre big nerds with huge hearts who say that we look beautiful from there. they call dibs on sleeping arrangements and the mission specialist likes sleeping like a bat. the pilotâs daughter shows her dad off on her social media.
dunno just sometimes helps to think that we can do things like that.
The thing that blindsides me every time is how heavy a crochet project quickly becomes. 2kg of yarn weighs 2kg but I always somehow feel like when it is absorbed into The Project it should no longer weigh 2kg.
Each ball is only 100g which is very light so crocheting 20 of them together should also be very light.
Me, holding a 50g ball of yarn: surely knitting 15 of these into a sweater won't weigh more than like. 100g
Me, later: by Talos this can't be happening
ME AND MY 6KG AND COUNTING GIANT BLANKET!!!!!
They got new photos of the moon,
I knew she had colors hiding in there đĽš

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did i tell u guys i got into an argument on twitter bc i said foxes are dogs and someone tried to bring up their actual fuckin. classification or whatever and i just said âfoxes are dogs cause they are fluffyeâ and they kept arguing with me. the entire time i was like âyou will not survive the immigration to tumblr you are lucky we are not there right nowâ
This is especially funny because they arenât even right. Foxes *ARE* dogs.
No they arenât.
yes they are. because they are fluffye.
OK yes they are.
Different family, but same order as @pictures-of-dogs
No, they are the same family. They are the same kingdom, phylum, order and family. They separate at the genus.
Theyâre a dog.
yeah theyâre fluffye
theyre literally not dogs theyre not even fluffy. can we get science tumblr over hear or what!?
checkmate athiests
fluffye
okay but they literally are dogs, for those who are confused
If foxes are dogs, then so are wolves, coyotes, dingoes, jackals, and several other extant and extinct species.
Behold! A dog.
of course itâs a dog you buffoon. itâs fluffye.
Why on earth would someone think âBUT IF THEYâRE DOGS SO AR -â
Like yes of course wolves are dogs, where have you been. Jackals are excellent doggies! So are coyotes. Why is this confusing.
I love that this is literally two completely different arguments running simultaneously.
That guy up there who said theyâre not even fluffy was thinking of sharks
sharks are also dogs. ravenous water dogs, but still dogs
Sharks can NOT be dogs they are SMOOTH
Tags via @jenroses
sharks are smooth dogs
BEHOLD, a SHARK
17 clown car pileup 84 injured 193 dead
I think that when you're overstimulated you should appear kind of grayed out and no one should be able to interact with you like a locked character in a video game
I love how tumblr users play with Jorge I mean jpegs not Jorge who the fuck is Jorge
Spiders jpg
Woah dude
â â
like a solid 60% of weird fandom tropes were invented by women who needed slightly more avant garde ways to fuck spock.... wanting to fuck spock is in many ways a load bearing pillar of fandom like if u took it away the source code would just break theres like a molecule of wanting to fuck spock or reaction to everyone wanting to fuck spock within the heart of fanfic all fanfiction is about wanting to fuck spock except fanfic about wanting to fuck spock which is about women in stem
No thoughts just sex worker!soap doing a house call for reader....
It's not unusual for soap to be specifically requested for by clients, he's one of the top earners and a quick favorite for people all over the spectrum.
It is, however, unusual for him to be requested by a client with whom he has zero rapport.
You've never even used the service before as far as soap is aware, a completely blank slate of a client. Soap considers, maybe, you're some stalker or murderer. So he grabs an extra knife before pulling up your location. One of those apartments near the university full of trust-fund kids. Typical.
Soap expected many things when he knocked on the door. None of them including this.
"Oh thank god you're here! Get in!" A young thing with stained sweatshirt and messy hair practically hauls him into the room.
You're already across the small apartment by time soap registers his surroundings. Takeout in the trash, papers all over any flat surface, an ungodly amount of energy drink boxes in the corner. Finally, soap looks back to you standing sitting expectantly on the couch, "uhâ you marked 'other' on the request box. So...?"
"Yeah, come here." You wave soap over, and he tentatively steps around various textbooks open on the floor. You look him up and down, not appraising, but curious "you know chemistry, right? My friend had you, and mentioned you said something about a chemistry major, right?"
What.
Hardly is soap ever thrown for a loop. But, sure, he's been hit with weirder. "Yeah, actually. Graduated top of my class."
"Great! Sit down." You pull soap onto the couch, them promptly shove a notebook into his hands covered in messy notes "pleaseâ please help me. I'm barely passing and I need this credit!"
Oh.
Well. Money is money.
Soap sits down, skims over your notes, then announces "okay, I see why you're failing. See, you need toâ"

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Fun little thing about medieval medicine.
So thereâs this old German remedy for getting rid of boils. A mix of eggshells, egg whites, and sulfur rubbed into the boil while reciting the incantation and saying five Paternosters. And according to my profâs friend (a doctor), itâs all very sensible. The eggshells abrade the skin so the sulfur can sink in and fry the boil. The egg white forms a flexible protective barrier. The incantation and prayers are important because you need to rub it in for a certain amount of time.
Itâs easy to take the magic words as superstition, but theyâre important.
The length of time it takes to say a paternoster was a typical method of reckoning time in the Middle Ages. Itâs likely that whoever wrote this remedy down was thinking of it both as a prayer and a timespan and that whoever read it would have understood it the same way.
I wonder if this shows up in other historical areas besides medicine?
I ask because I have a very Italian, very Catholic friend who was once describing how she makes pizzelles. Theyâre cooked in a specific press, similar to a waffle iron, long enough to get light and crispy but not burnt, and in her own words: âI donât know the exact time it takes to cook them in seconds, but I usually do either two Hail Maryâs or an Our Father and a Glory Be.â
I would be extremely surprised if medieval people didnât use prayers while cooking. You donât want to roast an egg for too long, have it explode, and get hot yolk in your eye. :PÂ
I know that church bells were definitely used as timekeepers.Â
Before oven thermometers existed, one way to check the temperature of your oven was to stick your hand inside and recite an Our Father. The length of time before you snatch your hand out was timed by how far youâd gotten in the prayer. The shorter the time, the hotter the oven. So you knew that if you wanted a hot oven to bake bread, you wanted your hand out by âkingdomâ (for example) but to slow cook a stew, you might want the oven cool enough to get to âtrespassesâ.
This popped up in âNanny Oggâs Cookbookâ as well, though there the timing method wasnât prayer but X verses of âWhere Has All The Custard Gone?â
Other timing methods are âa whileâ (approx. 35 mins) and âa good whileâ (variable, up to 10 years, which the book suggests is a bit long to let batter rest before making pancakesâŚ)
All absolutely standard, and also varied from region to region. The use of prayer was more common than most, since the Catholic church had a monopoly on⌠well, pretty much everything. And all the prayers were in Latin, and at a specific cadence, so the effect is similar to watching the second hand on a clock today.
itâs important to note that to the medieval people the prayers were important because of timekeeping AND god. like, i think as modern people we do tend to want it to be âjust timekeeping, they werenât just superstitious idiots, they had a good reasonable scientific reason!â but itâs also important to remember just how culturally steeped in a mystical religion they were, a relationship with christianity entirely unlike the modern relationship found in modern american culture even amongst the most religious people. i have no doubt that in the medieval mind, they were aware of the prayer being the time it took but also if there had BEEN another way to measure that time, the prayer would have been held to be preferable and important in its own right because of the importance of spiritual assistance in worldly things like bread-baking
Definitely, this is a great point! I was talking to somebody in the comments who was saying that medieval medicine was mostly bunkum because it involves spirituality, supposedly meaning it couldnât also have logical basis behind it. But thatâs a really modern way to see it. To the medieval worldview, those things arenât contradictory. Theyâre part of each other. Think about how many medieval Christian scientists were monks, nuns, and priests.
*INHUMAN SCREECHING*
M YÂ Â T I M EÂ Â H A SÂ Â C O M E
You guys donât understand how excited it made me to read this post, I literally wrote my masterâs thesis on this exact topic.
STORY TIME
Sometime in the 10th century in Anglo-Saxon England (for context, this is before the Norman Conquest and near-ish to the reign of Alfred the Great), a dude named Bald asked another dude name Cild to write a book. Not just any book. A leechbook, which was essentially the medieval version of WebMD for practicing doctors. BUT NOT JUST A LEECHBOOK. This leechbook was gonna be the damn Lamborghini of leechbooks. This thing was going to be split into two parts, the first dealing with external medicine and the second dealing with internal medicineâsomething that was unheard of at the time. It was going to be organized (head to toe, like all the good leechbooks were). It was gonna be nice (leather and vellum). It was gonna use all the best ideas (from all over the known world). And the whole thing was going to be written in Anglo-Saxon. Now, a few medical books had been compiled in Anglo-Saxon before, but none like this. This one was going to be EPIC. And it wasâand still is.
Baldâs Leechbook (also goes by the more boring but more informative MS Royal 12 D XVIII over in the British Library) contains a lot of medical remedies. A lot of them rely on things like prayers and chants and odd charms, like one for a headache, which recommends plucking the eyes off a living crab, letting the crab back into the water, and wearing the eyes about your neck in a little sack until you feel better. However, itâs worth pointing out that the really wild remedies, the stuff that makes absolutely no freakinâ sense, is most often recommended to treat ailments that are hard to treat even todayâmigraines, toothaches, cancer. These things are really painful or deadly and, without modern medicine, almost impossible to treat. So are you going to make up some nonsense to make your client at least feel like theyâre doing something, and hey, if it sort of works, it works? Of course you are. You want to help people. Even if it sounds crazy, what else are you going to do? You have to try something, and the people who are suffering are willing to try anything.
But thereâs also things that make complete sense. To echo concepts that have been mentioned by commentators above, there is a recipe that calls for the recitation of the paternoster while boiling a honey-based salve meant to treat carbuncle. The book instructs the physician to bring it to a boil, and sing the paternoster three times, and remove it from the fire, and sing nine paternosters, and to repeat this process two more times. A century ago, historians read the use of the paternoster as a magical incantation, but today, most agree that in lieu of a stopwatch, the paternoster is just meant to make sure you donât burn the honey.
BUT THAT ISNâT NEAR THE COOLEST THING.
Now, this book was compiled by a master physician (we donât know if it was Cild himself or if Cild was the scribe for an unnamed author) who was compiling recipes that had been written down for some time, and had, as many things do, gone through various permutations over the years. Many came from Greece or the western Mediterranean, and had been adapted for local English horticulture and herbs. Some came from around what is now Germany, and some ideas came from farther away in the Middle East (King Alfred was a sickly king; some scholars believe that he had his physicians seek out cures from all over the world in an attempt to treat himself). But there is one recipe that has only ever been identified in England. Not only has this recipe only ever been identified in England, itâs only ever been identified in this one manuscript. When translated into modern English, it reads as follows:
Work an eyesalve for a wen [stye], take cropleek and garlic, of both equal quantities, pound them well together, take wine and bullocks gall, of both equal quantities, mix with the leek, put this then into a brazen vessel, let it stand nine days in the brass vessel, wring out through a cloth and clear it well, put it into a horn, and about night time, apply it with a feather to the eye; the best leechdom.
For those who donât know and/or are lucky enough to have never had one, a âwenâ or a stye is a bacterial infection that manifests like a boil or a cyst that on the eyelid. They hurt something awful, and can cause larger infections of the eye. They are usually caused by Staphylococcus aureus.Â
With me? Okay. Fast-forward to 1988. A former biologist turned historian called M.L. Cameron decides to take a look at this old medical leechbook to see what he can see. He takes a good look and says âLads I do believe these Anglo-Saxon leeches werenât nearly so daft as we thought they wereâ (he did not and probably would never actually say that, Iâm paraphrasing). Cameron was particularly interested in the recipe above. As a scientist, he knew a few things:
Garlic and cropleek (leek or onion, or another related plant) have been known to have antibacterial qualities for centuries.
Wine (alcohol) also has antibacterial qualities.
Bullocks gall (literally bile taken from a bull) is known to have detergent properties, and has long been used as an additive to soap for particularly tough stains.
A brazen vessel, or a vessel made of brass, contains a good amount of copper in it. And that copper, when left to sit around for, I donât know, about nine days, would have plenty of time to react with the acids in the onion and garlic and the tartarates in the wine to create copper salts.Â
Coppers salts, as it happens, are cytotoxic, meaning they kill everything: tissue and bacteria.
What an interesting find.
Fast-forward again to 2015. A paper is published by a team from the University of Nottingham, whoâve been working on an âAncientbioticsâ project to investigate ancient medical remedies and see if they actually work. Theyâve turned their sights to the Anglo-Saxons, and are, as was Cameron, particularly interested in this recipe for an eye salve. Without boring you with the finer details of the experiment and its various trials (read it yourself!) I will spoil the ending by telling you that they discovered a few things:
This recipe, which was over 1,000 years old when they tested it, worked.
It worked well.
It worked extremely well.Â
So well, in fact, that (in a lab setting) they even got it to kill Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus, or as itâs more commonly known, MRSA. MRSA is a modern superbug that has built up a resistance to the antibiotic Methicillin. And this goddamn Anglo-Saxon witchesâ brew freakin murdered it.
Now, as an advocate for modern medicine and sound scientific method, Iâm not about to say that we should go throwing this salve on everything in 2019, because it is, if anything, just a starting point for modern scientists. This salve is still incredibly crude by modern standards and comes with a lot of potential problems. But as a historian⌠it works, you guys, it really works.
Medieval physicians were not idiots. They believed in magic, they believed in all things supernatural, they believed in all those things that are âunreasonableâ or unpopular today, and they practiced them too. But they also interacted with the real world with brains and intellects as sharp if not sharper than yours and mine. They were smart, they studied, they talked to each other in Latin and Greek and Arabic and Anglo Saxon. They made old recipes better and came up with brand new ones. They tried dumb stuff and they tried smart stuff. They didnât have access to even the smallest fraction of the information we have at our fingertips today, and yet they created things like this.Â
To this day, no one knows who created the eyesalve recipe. And no one truly understands why this is the only copy of it. If it worked so well, why isnât it plastered to the headings of every medical textbook from Alfred to Victoria? Speaking personally, I would argue that it has to do with language. Not so long after Baldâs Leechbook was written, the French invaded England and took over. Latin and French became the language of the court, and while Anglo-Saxon lived on throughout the country, and certainly lay doctors would have used Anglo-Saxon books daily, the language of formal English medical education was Latin. Oxford and Cambridge were late to the medical ed game after Salerno, Bologna, Paris, and Montpellier, and naturally fell in step with continental schools as a result, using Latin almost exclusively, and sometimes Greek or Arabic.Â
Point being, by the time medical licenses and medical college degrees are a thing in England, not only does almost no one of university-eligible class speak Anglo-Saxon anymore, no one has use for those Old English texts, because they donât get you your degree, and you canât make a living as a doctor without a degree and doctorâs license. And no oneâs going to translate an old Anglo Saxon text into Latin when Avicennaâs newest old hit, now in Latin, is fresh off the boat from France.
All that to say: Never write something off because itâs old. 1,000 years is a long time ago, but human ingenuity and intelligence are hardly modern inventions. The science of the world hasnât changed; only our tools and our perspective.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk
Further reading:
The 2015 Ancientbiotics report:Â A 1,000-Year-Old Antimicrobial Remedy with Antistaphylococcal Activity
NPR: âAncientbioticsâ Researchers Look For Old Fixes To Modern Ailments
Mental Floss: 20 Anglo-Saxon Remedies from Baldâs Leechbook
Read a paper about how scholars are building on the work of the Ancientbiotics project to better understand how to apply ancient ideas effectively to modern medicine.
Look through Royal 12 D XVIII for yourself! Baldâs eyesalve recipe is on f. 12v and looks like this:
hamlet dashboard simulator
đą elsinore-confessions Follow
widowed queen gertrude is crazyyyyy fine
(submitted-via-anonymous)
364 notes
đ´ââ ď¸ tragical-prince-of-denmark
.
#personal #to be or not to be UGH that is the question #like is it nobler in the minds to suffering slings and arrows of outrageous fortune??? #or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them #:( #to die #to SLEEP #no more #and by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to #tis a consummation DEVOUTLY to be wished #to die to sleep #to sleep perchance to dream?? #ay THERES the rub #for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil #that gives me pause tbh
2 notes
đ horatio.the.truant
can we please stop fear mongering and spreading misinformation about what has been going on lately. take it from a wittenberg uni student: there is no such thing as ghosts, and there is not one roaming around elisnore castle. there are literally guards patrolling 24/7. if there were ghosts we would know.
đ horatio.the.truant
hey guys! so turns out there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in my philosophy
#actually shaking right now #what the fuck is going on
43,576 notes
đť ghost.tracker Follow Â
spotted last night, marcellus and myself, when yond same star thatâs westward from the pole had made his course tâillume that part of heaven where it now burns. the bell was then beating one
(submitted-via-bernardo-the-guard-o)
200 notes
đ average-dane-20 Follow
omg murder of gonzago is touring here this month!! i just got my tickets im SO excited
âď¸ im-orsick-of-this
honestly don't get your hopes up about this production. i heard they're changing the whole story around and it's kind of a weird modern retelling :( sounds like it's gonna be a waste of time unfortunately
#i signed an nda at work so i cant really say how i know this #but trust me guys you do not want to be there when this happens
16,312 notes
đą elsinore-confessions Follow
it's actually so fucked up that people are just on tumblr blogging about how hot they think the queen is. does no one care about the fact that she literally has a son who is probably really uncomfortable seeing these comments on his dash. is anyone thinking about him. does anyone care that he's probably having a really hard time right now
(submitted-via-anoynmous)
#one can literally smile and be a villain in denmark this place fucking sucks
4 notes
đ´ââ ď¸ tragical-prince-of-denmark
im actually going to kill my uncle
đ´ââ ď¸ tragical-prince-of-denmark
im not joking like im really going to do it
đ´ââ ď¸ tragical-prince-of-denmark
guys should i kill my uncle????
yes
no
#FUCK what an ass am i #this is most brave #im literally the son of a dear father murdered #prompted to revenge by heaven and hell #and im out here like a whore unpacking my heart with words #fuck thisssss #hmm ive heard guilty creatures sitting at a play have by the cunning of the scene #been so struck to the soul that they just proclaim their malefactions #đ
10 notes
đ´đť p0l0nius Follow
goodbye son @ laertes and good luck in paris! the wind sits in the shoulder of your sail and you are stayed for. i send my blessing with thee and these few precepts in thy memory Read more
1 notes
𤺠laertes
au revoir bitches ya boy is on his way to parissss
#FUCK this court #not really sure what is going on here but i am not sticking around to find out lmfao #also does anyone know if the ghost stuff everyone is reblogging is real
498 notes
đ§Ş not.king.claudius
stop reblogging that post about the king's wedding
okay buckle up because i have been seeing a LOT of people talk about how the timing of the king and queen's marriage after the late king's death was weird. but first of all, the picture that has been going around alleging that they used the same food from his funeral to furnish the wedding feast is NOT real and has been debunked multiple times by @ also-not-king-claudius. so please stop reblogging that. second, i've been seeing posts saying that the late king hamlet was way hotter than claudius (like hyperion to a satyr etc) which is honestly so disrespectful when claudius threw an awesome wedding feast that a lot of you all benefitted from and all king hamlet ever did was wage war on fortinbras. also gertrude and claudius were NOT having an affair before they got married. i dont even know how that rumor got started because there is absolutley no proof. it's incredibly irresponsible to spread rumors like that when they are so destructive and hurtful and i cant believe people never check their sources before reblogging. and btw @/elsinore-confessions is NOT a reliable source. sorry but i will be blocking anyone who reblogs posts claiming there was some kind of affair. anyway i dont know what i expected from this hellsite but tbh it was more than this :/
#claudius was literally just in equal scale weighing dole and delight #but of course thats controversial now #đ
25,785 notes
đź opheliaaaaa
view from my walk this morning!
#nature #flowers #wildlife #aesthetic
1,657 notes
đđťââď¸ concerned.danish.mom
hey guys. does anyone have tips on how to connect with your teenage son when he keeps accusing you of unchastity and incest :(
422 notes
đš rose.n.crantz Follow
yayyyy king claudius gave us free cruise tickets to england
âď¸ youre-looking-guildenstern Follow
it's actually been forever since we hung out with hamlet. this is gonna be so fun
âď¸ youre-looking-guildenstern Follow
does anyone know how to send a distress signal
74 notes
đ remembering-denmark-54 Follow
Today we remember Yorick, a former court jester of the late King Hamlet who passed away several years ago. He is now buried in the Elsinore Castle Graveyard, and is remembered as a fellow of most excellent fancy.
đ´ââ ď¸ tragical-prince-of-denmark
omg poor yorick :(( @ horatio.the.truant i knew him!!! a fellow of infinite jest
#he hath borne me on his back like a thousand times!! #and now how abhorred in my imagination it is! #my gorge straight up rises at it #here hung those lips that i kissed i know not how oft #where are ur gibes now? #gambols? #songs? #flashes of merriment that were wont to set the table on a roar?
15 notes
đź opheliaaaaa
ummm ok hiiiiii <3
2 notes
đ young.fortinbras Follow
anyone else been lowkey thinking about invading denmark lately
78 notes
đą elsinore-confessions Follow
not to insult the crown prince or whatever but does anyone else think he seems like a fucking loser
(submitted-via-anonymous)
9,845 notes