Den of Yarn

Mother and Daughter

solomon mccombs (1913-1980), mvskoke/muskogee/creek, pʰəynt kʰapa pipa-laplash

and you go home and you're just trying to exist but it really is everywhere. you're trying to watch a movie when it dawns on you that pretty much every single powerful woman in media has to spin the wheel on if she's a "sad lady who can't handle her own emotions/power and eventually goes crazy" powerful woman or if she's a "sexy lady who is already crazy but in a male-gaze approved way" powerful woman or if she's a "going to sacrifice herself/her power for others/a man" powerful woman. and of course you're a human being so you'd have to admit you do love when a powerful woman is sexy and powerful, but it does sometimes make your skin crawl when you think about it too hard. because wait if she's sexy the way men find women sexy; that takes away her power somewhat, doesn't it. there always needs to be a way that men think they could somehow overcome her.

and you think of your extended family and how they confidently tell you that women can't be leaders, that even when men mess up, it's because they had an evil woman in their ear. even other women do it - your aunt, while generally a sweetheart, also has asked you to be "less loud" about being feminist and queer. she offers to lend you makeup when you don't wear any, as if being unshod was horrifically unbecoming when you're in front of your actual family.

and you think of how when you say he took credit for my work the response was - well, we're all a team here. you think about how most of the people in the "lower" ranks of your job are women - but the further up the ladder things go, the less you see yourself represented, until women blip out like a dot. a single white lady smiling in front of the CEO - because she can be a boss, but not the boss, after all.

and you think about how you just want to buy a new dress for the wedding you're attending in the fall but instead you're staring at the men in the mall rolling their eyes while they hold bags and look performatively uncomfortable.

online is getting bad. the other day you typed up a whole answer to some body builder who was saying if strength is toxic masculinity, okay, i'm toxic. you had citations and resources essentially to only say you have no idea what that term even means, do you. but what would the point be. his post has fifty-five thousand likes, and you have under 300 followers.

there's a good man in your life and you tried to talk about the fear once, about how when you're in the city alone you have to quiet your music and keep a lookout in the reflections on windows. he said it was dehumanizing on the other side of things, to see a woman get scared when he didn't do anything. in the moment, you have to admit that is probably fair, it would break your heart if someone was scared of you, after all. you end up comforting him.

but late at night you stare at the ceiling and think - what else do you want me to do? simply give up my personal safety to make you more comfortable? i'm not doing that because i like it, i'm doing it because i am trying not to get followed.

in the morning you think of sending him: the patriarchy hurts all of us, even those that benefit directly from it. you think again of the post you almost made, how it felt like you were holding your breath while you typed it, how afterwards you just felt drained and exhausted. what's the point, even.

MULTIPLE BYSTANDERS TRIED TO HELP IN THE "Bystander effect" ANECDOTE

"Stockholm Syndrome" WAS A THEORY BASED OFF THE SPECULATION OF A SINGLE PSYCHIATRIST WHO MADE NO INTERVIEWS OF ANY VICTIMS

KonMari is not going to tell you to get rid of the stash of ink pens you bought because you just love ink pens so much

I had issues with defining my personal meaning of 'spark joy'--if you put any item from my hobbies in my hands, I can think of something to do with it. I had to learn to ask if it's something that I, specifically, would/could/wanted to do.

I had to learn to ask if, yes, I could/would/wanted to do it, was I willing to do it for the finished item, or just the joy of doing the craft? Because, I had to remind myself, I could get that Joy Of Doing just as much from things I'd want to keep as from things I wanted to do Just Because.

And maybe that's not an issue with your own way of doing hobbies, but, absolutely, it is for me and mine.

So I had to redirect my brain from a generic "What would happen if..." to a more specific "What would happen if...with these materials I actively like," and not just with stuff I have around because it was a bargain/gift/something I've had in the craft stash so long that my tastes have changed

And, yes, there is a big tendency to think, "But if I use The Good Stuff, then I might ruin it!" I had to prod my brain back with "But you probably won't ruin it, and then you'd have something you could use made from this Fantastic Craft Component, instead of just sitting in storage where you admire it while looking for something else to use that you won't mind if you ruin."

And, also...sometimes I'd use 'lesser materials' and end up with something I liked, but, mostly, I'd end up with something neutral to actively regretted.

I do know that I have had enough experience with most of my hobbies that I can, most likely, make something without ruining it--and if I do mess up, I also have the knowledge to salvage it. And I learned those skills by using 'lesser materials'...but, also, I learned those skills in a time when my tastes weren't as focused as they are now, and the things I had then that I might consider not suitable today--either due to the actual item quality or just the color scheme--were completely suitable for me then.

It's not changing tastes as much as refining them, based on getting to know yourself, and knowing what makes you happy to have around.

That's the basic idea behind KonMari: learn what you like to have, and what you will actively use in the future, and keep that, and make its place in your life more prominent, so you will have and use it. Everything else can go, but KonMari is not about figuring out what to let go, it's about figuring out what to keep.

And, yes, there is often deep guilt about getting rid of things--I paid for that, so getting rid of it is the same as wasting money! (even if paid for it ten years ago from a bargain bin.) Someone gave it to me, getting rid of it would disrespect their generosity! (even if it was never quite my style.) It was a once-in-a-lifetime thrift find, if I hadn't bought it it would have languished, unappreciated for what a spectacular (probably vintage) thing it is! (it is not your job to 'save' things from the thrift store.) But what if I want to make something for someone else whose tastes it matches exactly! (c'mon, Brain, you know that's a reach.)

Telling myself that letting it go means that it can get into the hands of others who are more likely to use it has helped me a lot. And, yes, I admit, having the thrift store specifically dedicated to crafts helped convince me to let go of a lot of craft stuff (especially fabric) last year, too, and I know most people don't have access to that kind of thrift store. (My brain would rather roll up to a thrift store and drop things off on my own schedule than have to deal with arranging to meet someone via Freecycle or research what individual groups are accepting that kind of donation.) (And, yeah, I still have two huge bags of fabric scraps, because the craft thrift store won't take those but my brain insists they're still useful...just...not to me. I have a smaller, curated box of fabric scraps for me.)

A side effect of learning to analyze what I already have in terms of "do I genuinely like this, and will I ever actually use it" has been that the same filter is in place when I consider a hobby-related purchase now, too, and I have been able to stop myself from buying things purely because there's an impulse of joy when I first see it. Well. Mostly. The 10¢ patterns at the craft thrift store I have been somewhat reckless with... But they still fit in the storage space designated for patterns, so they haven't yet rolled over into Clutter That Erodes Daily Happiness.

Then KonMari is not for you.