#interpersonal effectiveness

this is a link to my personal google drive, it has lots of dbt stuff, some random other resources that either i or my friends have found helpful incl. DID/OSDD/dissociation resources, & some handouts from a personality disorder program i did (was aimed at pplwbpd officially but the staff all refer to it as the "personality disorder clinic", fwiw)

bunch of other stuff under the cut including video content if that's more your thing

If your sex drive or libido is lower than your partner’s, you may feel obligated to “keep up” with them to make them happy. But you have a right to say no, or not be in the mood, or be too tired, or just not want to right now. Your partner(s) should respect your right to say no and your bodily autonomy.

If your partner(s) try to harass, manipulate, or coerce you into having sex when you say no, they’re an asshole. Having said yes in the past does not mean you can never say no. It is not your responsibility or obligation to provide sex. You do not need to violate your own boundaries to make someone else happy. Your partner(s) should respect your right to say no, and if they don’t, they don’t deserve you.

This interpersonal effectiveness skill helps you assert your boundaries, and get yourself heard and understood.

D: Describe

Describe the current situation (if necessary). Stick to the facts. Tell the person exactly what you are reacting to.

Example: “You told me you would be home by dinner but you didn’t get here until 11.”

E: Express

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Don’t assume that the other person knows how you feel.

Use phrases such as “I want” instead of “You should,” “I don’t want” instead of “You shouldn’t.”

Example: “When you come home so late, I start worrying about you.”

A: Assert

Assert yourself by asking for what you want or saying no clearly. Do not assume that others will figure out what you want. Remember that others cannot read your mind.

Example: “I would really like it if you would call me when you are going to be late.”

R: Reinforce

Reinforce (reward) the person ahead of time (so to speak) by explaining positive effects of getting what you want or need. If necessary, also clarify the negative consequences of not getting what you want or need. Remember also to reward desired behavior after the fact.

Example: “I would be so relieved, and a lot easier to live with, if you do that.”

M: stay Mindful

Keep your focus on your goals. Maintain your position. Don’t be distracted. Don’t get off the topic.

“Broken record”: Keep asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over and over. Just keep replaying the same thing again and again.

Ignore attacks: If another person attacks, threatens, or tries to change the subject, ignore the threats, comments, or attempts to divert you. Do not respond to attacks. Ignore distractions. Just keep making your point.

Example: “I would still like a call.”

A: Appear confident

Appear effective and competent. Use a confident voice tone and physical manner; make good eye contact. No stammering, whispering, staring at the floor, retreating. No saying, “I’m not sure,” etc.

N: Negotiate

Be willing to give to get. Offer and ask for other solutions to the problem. Reduce your request. Say no, but offer to do something else or to solve the problem another way. Focus on what will work.

Turn the tables: Turn the problem over to the other person. Ask for other solutions.

Example: “How about if you text me when you think you might be late?” “What do you think we should do? . . . I can’t just stop worrying about you [or I’m not willing to].”

More tips

Describe the current interaction.

If the “broken record” and ignoring don’t work, make a statement about what is happening between you and the person now, but without imputing motives.

Example: “You keep asking me over and over, even though I have already said no several times,” or “It is hard to keep asking you to empty the dishwasher when it is your month to do it.”

Not: “You obviously don’t want to hear what I am saying,” “You obviously don’t care about me,” “Well, it’s obvious that what I have to say doesn’t matter to you,” “Obviously you think I’m stupid.”

Express feelings or opinions about the interaction.

For instance, in the middle of an interaction that is not going well, you can express your feelings of discomfort in the situation.

Example: “I am sorry I cannot do what you want, but I’m finding it hard to keep discussing it,” or “It’s becoming very uncomfortable for me to keep talking about this, since I can’t help it. I am starting to feel angry about it,” or “I’m not sure you think this is important for you to do.”

Not: “I hate you!”, “Every time we talk about this, you get defensive,” “Stop patronizing me!”

Assert wishes in the situation.

When another person is pestering you, you can ask them to stop it. When a person is refusing a request, you can suggest that you put the conversation off until another time. Give the other person a chance to think about it.

Example: “Please don’t ask me again. My answer won’t change,” or “OK, let’s stop discussing this now and pick it up again sometime tomorrow,” or “Let’s cool down for a while and then get together to figure out a solution.”

Not: “Would you shut up?” “You should do this!”, “You should really calm down and do what’s right here.”

Reinforce.

When you are saying no to someone who keeps asking, or when someone won’t take your opinion seriously, suggest ending the conversation, since you aren’t going to change your mind anyway. When trying to get someone to do something for you, you can suggest that you will come up with a better offer later.

Example: “Let’s stop talking about this now. I’m not going to change my mind, and I think this is just going to get frustrating for both of us,” or “OK, I can see you don’t want to do this, so let’s see if we can come up with something that will make you more willing to do it.”

Not: “If you don’t do this for me, I’ll never do anything for you ever again,” “If you keep asking me, I’ll get a restraining order against you,” “Gosh, you must be a terrible person for not doing this / for asking me to do this.”

We used to be such good friends at the beginning of our friendship. We went over to each other’s houses all the time and would talk for hours about all kinds of non-work stuff. Romance novels, music, baking, general gossip, etc etc.

Now it’s like we see each other at work and don’t talk beyond… well, I try to talk, and she doesn’t reciprocate.

It’s such an odd situation and I am NOT naturally skilled at interpersonal communication even without taking into account all the baggage/trauma I have.

I’ve been talking about it with my therapist for the above reasons lol and it really all comes back to the situation last spring when S told me at the last minute that she wouldn’t take me to and from the hospital for GA surgery—meaning I would lose $10k if I couldn’t find someone else to take me within a day. Not only was the money part a HUGE deal (if I lost 10k I’d be homeless), but it also left me feeling so deeply scared and lost, because I didn’t have anyone else near me to help. It was theee most vulnerable situation I have EVER been in, and she just treated it like an annoying scheduling issue in her workday.

I don’t think S necessarily understands how different our family situations are. She has an unshakable level of security that is hard to explain back to her.

Anyway, my therapist helped me to articulate that was I felt was that S lost my trust in that moment, and that little things ever since then have reinforced that sense of being abandoned over and over. That really hit home.

Like when I met S’s sister and she immediately told be that she and S had gone to the cool event that S and I had planned to got to together the following day. My stomach just dropped in that moment because I knew in my heart that S would cancel on me (not wanting to go to the same event twice) without telling me why, and indeed she did.

Or like when we go to a coffee shop together to hang out and a minute or so into my talking, she’ll ask, “sorry, did you say something?” It has happened three separate times that I learn that what I thought was a mutual conversation was in fact fully one-sided, with her not paying attention even a little bit. (Apparently the hmmms and mmhmms and yeah?s were just filler for her—whereas I took them as signs she was listening.)

I just have to wonder if she even wants to be friends with me at all. She honestly couldn’t make it more clear that she’s not interested in hearing what I have to say about… anything. And eventually she’s going to run out of me! I am not an infinite resource. There is a limit to the number of times that I can be dropped like a hot potato without starting to resent it. I feel like I’m hitting that limit.

My therapist says I should tell her how the incident last spring made me lose trust in her, and offer her the chance to repair by doing things like “actually paying attention when we’re talking” and “not doing things with other people that we already agreed to do together and then cancelling on me with no explanation” and suchlike.

Idk. I guess I just have the hard-to-shake belief that the baseline status is no friendship at all, and that any amount of friendship is something I need to be grateful for, even if it hurts.

Because what if I bring it up and she decides she’s just done with me completely? Wouldn’t that be worse than the situation as it is now?

Idk. I wish I was better at *DBT voice* ~Interpersonal Effectiveness.~ I feel like all I have are Cow Tools.

Depersonalize others' comments & actions

Perceive the person's intentions – are they seeking war or peace?

If their intentions are sound, enter the conversation with the mindset of two individuals vs. a problem – decouple their humanity, emotions, wants, and needs from external factors & situations

Seek to understand, not win through your conversation

Approach the conversation from a solutions-oriented POV

Remember that compromise means both parties walk away happy or at least content with the outcome – self-sacrifice has no place in conflict resolution or negotiation

I've had this friend for the last few years, and he's one of those people who just bully and insult his friends as like a playful thing. It's not really good for my mental health at this point, since I already criticise myself so much, I don't need someone else to confirm my insecurities.

I don't want to tell him outright that I just don't want to be friends anymore, because I don't want to hurt his feelings with the truth. I ghosted him for like a month, but he's coming by today to pick up his DND stuff that he lent me. I'm so not looking forward to having to interact with him, to answering any of his questions.

So! Since it's not actually possible to interact with others without tripping over triggering stuff sometimes, gotta figure out some emergency brakes. Also I somehow got it so being asked "are you ok?" is specifically triggering, so that's fun. I rationalize that this is bc it's usually a useless question, like if you're asking you already think something is wrong so let's be more specific bc if you ask a yes/no question when I'm already struggling you're going to get a yes/no answer with no embellishments. And if I am ok, well now I'm not bc I'm wondering what I did wrong to make them ask me that. So in most cases asking something other than just "okay" works, is it too loud, are you sleepy, does something hurt?

That still relies on the other person to notice something is off. And in a lot of cases my people will notice I'm a little off balance before I do, which, amazing 🙌 But sometimes they don't notice for any number of reasons that aren't something to fix (they're driving, we're texting, they're having their own emotions, we're watching tv so I'm being quiet anyway), so it's my responsibility to advocate for myself. Which is hard when my words are the first thing to go when I'm dysregulated.

So I was thinking zones of regulation, traffic light safe words, but how can we add some nuance? (Both of those are very googleable but traffic light is obv red/yellow/green, zones of regulation adds blue) Why not just make it a whole rainbow? I propose:

Orange: almost red, we got like 2 minutes tops before I'm out. Sometimes hard convos are necessary and we're all working on our own distress tolerance skills. Or it's some environmental trigger pushing me over the edge.

Purple: miscellaneous positive emotions not adequately communicated by green. Silly, stoned, hyper, snarky, competitive, etc. like anything I think would cause someone to be like "you good bro?" when I am actually fine and actively enjoying myself.

So, with this framework, I can check in with just a couple words (and colors are easy on my AAC app if talking isn't happening). Also can ask for check in if I'm unsure where the other person is at - usually in text or they're trying to hide/downplay something.

Like if I ask what's wrong, then I'm pushing them to talk about it rn and it's maybe not the time. But if I just ask their color/zone, that doesn't have to come with a defense/explanation. Much more neutral stance to ask what they need. Or if I'm not in a place to help, I can still check in to see if they have capacity to help me at the moment.