#self confidence

your reality/3d literally depends on you. you are it's source of validation. i'm sure you hear this all the time but probably don't understand, and that's fine because i didn't either despite my super intensive, long background in manifestation/shifting. here's how i realized that:

i've been stressing out so much over this war to the point i've disassociated terribly multiple times. yes, i admit it. i may seem knowledgable, and i absolutely am, but i too have my human moments where i react to circumstances. everyone does, and that's okay. give yourself grace because as human, you will slip.

anywho, while disassociating i was still robotically affirming everything works out for me and that the war has no choice but to be over. my circumstances were suffocating me, like my old awareness decided to come back from the dead and choke me for revenge of killing it off. my dad was planning an evacuation to the US this thursday because of the previous 48 hour ultimatum tr*mp had given to iran, and iran threatning to b*mb desalination and energy infrastructure. that would mean no clean water (keeping in mind the middle east is surrounded by salty sea water and the plants filter that to become drinking water) and no electricity, so i wouldn't be able to cook, do my laundry, or have internet and so many more issues. mentally i still stood on business as much as i could, affirming to myself it was going to work out. then, tr*mp pushes it to 5 days.

but what did i want? did i want just a temporary pause or a permanent ceasefire, peace and safety for myself and others? i had to ask myself that, and without a doubt it's the latter. then why was my reality (which is a direct mirror of my internal world) showing me breadcrumbs? why was it showing me slow and bits and pieces of progress? it was quite literally because i had one foot in my desired reality (telling myself the war was over) and one foot in my old (obsessively checking the news, youtube comments, content creators' predictions which obviously were full gloom and doom). i was, as neville says, serving two masters. and when you do that, your brain gets HELLA confused. "girl, is the war fucking over or not?!!!!" the brain can't see the way our eyes do mind you, it's just running off of whatever story we're telling it.

not only that, my 3d was negotiating with me. while i was telling myself i'm not going back to the US and i'm staying right here in the middle east, i got another breadcrumb. my dad who is a massive worry freak managed to calm down by the evening, and told me "hey, you will come back here, because the war will end. and you can come back whenever you want - you don't have to stay there until august. but let's just go for now," while it was something, it wasn't my desired end. and then yesterday, my dad pushed for next thursday. "let's not go now since it's too soon, and let's see how these 5 days play out. let's go for next thursday instead," again, another breadcrumb.

but is pushing the deadline for the US back what i signed up for? is a temporary 5 day pause what i signed up for? fuck no. but at the same time, i noticed the 3d negotiating with me. my old awareness showing up in my dad like "hey, be me again. pay attention to me again. look it's something!!! at least it's something, won't you pay attention to this breadcrumb?!!! didn't we use to accept breadcrumbs?!! oh my god look i'll give you a 10% discount. 20%? 40%?!!!!" when i know i'm the fucking queen and everything for me is a 100% off discount.

why would the 3d try to negotiate with me like a seller and buyer situation? because it noticed me not identifying with it. me still having the audacity to say "nope, not my story. i don't accept this. i'm not going to the US," even while having only 48 hours to pack. think about it fr: what business would your old awareness have showing up in the 3d begging you to settle if you weren't rejecting it and were identifying with your circumstances? it wouldn't care. it would have you right here in it's lap. it only panics when it senses you leaving. that's why it throws breadcrumbs at you, so you'll settle for the cheap ass 10% discount when in reality, everything has always been 100% off for you. and if it's this desperate for your attention and validation just a few hours into persisting in a new identity to the point of negotiations, well then guess what it has to do when you keep denying, choosing and being your new identity. it has to give in to you. reality has to give in to you. entirely.

i finally got sick and tired of playing around and simply said "you know what? i am in my desired end. i am in my desired reality. it unfolded faster than i expected - everything always unfolds faster than i could ever expect," and stopped giving a fuck. because if i am the identity in my desired end/desired reality (which includes literally everything, not just the war ending), what would i have to give a fuck about? i'd blast music, do my makeup and hair, cook, go to the gym, love myself and live life as usual.

sometimes you have to experience something that makes it click for you. hands-on is how we learn as humans. my post may make it click for you, or it may not until you experience and realize it yourself. either way, i hope you can see: reality has always been YOUR bitch. it has always been desperate for YOU, because YOU ARE the validation. and if you are the source of validation for reality, then you are the validation for what you decide true, that you are instead seeking from your external.